The book, Stepmonster

[Piratespoo]

My step daughter is 16 and now does not speak to me at all. Completely ignores me when she comes to our house every other weekend. (A whole other thread with loads of issues)

Anyway, I book the bought Stepmonster as recommended on here by many. I left it in the kitchen ready for when I had time to read and last weekend she took the book and started reading it.

She then texted her father saying:
" I started reading that Stepmonster book. It truly is awful! It's just a load of women wallowing in self pity for ages!!!"

Very interesting and it is true that it is only accepted because she is not living here full time. For those that have said her father Disney parents, yes he does. He is afraid of rocking the boat cos then she will say she won't come here, which she has done for several months in the past. So he does whatever she wants . It is true that he can't make her talk, but I have argued that I wouldn't accept my dc ignoring people in their own home.

This thread came up in active convos and reminded me of the awful years of being a stepparent. DSD is now 19 and at uni and life is so much easier! But when she comes back to stay - which is fairly regularly as uni isn't v far - she still doesn't even do the basics like putting a cup in the dishwasher, making her bed, rinsing her toothpaste out of the sink etc. Now I just ignore it and don't even mention it to DH for an easy life. I absolutely hated the 12-16 years the most and the forced politeness we had probably feels just as bad as the silence you have. No advice but you have my sympathy.

Can you imagine a resident grandparent saying that they take themselves off to their room when their teen grandchild is home, because the grandchild completely ignores them?
Can you imagine a grand parent keeping in their kitchen when they visit a book about being a monster grand parent which states that it is ok not to love your grand children?

Honestly, how can the two be compared!

It's terrible parenting from your DH. I cannot imagine my kids or my dss refusing to speak to someone.

Can you imagine a grand parent keeping in their kitchen when they visit a book about being a monster grand parent which states that it is ok not to love your grand children?

So grandparents must love their grandchildren unconditionally, too?

At what point are DCs held accountable for their own actions, and their parents held accountable for their DCs behaviour?

The reality is that rightly or wrongly, she just doesn't like you. I agree with your OH, he can't make her do so. No, but he can (if he chooses) insist that she behaves respectfully. He is not doing her any favours by allowing this. Everybody needs to be respectful towards others, and this includes his dd. Of course she doesn't have to like you. And you don't have to like her. But you still all need to behave decently. He needs to explain this to her. You need to establish your own boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate and accept as behaviour towards yourself in your home, and stick with them. And your DH and you need to establish yourselves in partnership about how your joint household works and what is expected from everyone. Letting dd dictate the rules is harmful for her, not good for her. He needs to understand this. To feel secure, DCs need to know where the boundaries are. Not having decent boundaries feels unsafe and insecure. Your DH needs educating so he can bring his dd up properly.

Fantastic, I have said all this but it falls on deaf ears. He is so scared of her not coming, that he won't be strict about anything.
I have cried so many times over her and the situation, but now I have had to take a step back and disengage for my own sanity. I presume soon she won't be coming every other weekend and then maybe things will be a bit easier. How it will end up in the future though, I have no idea.
Has anyone ever sorted a decent relationship with a step child when they hate you as a teenager?

FantasticButtocks I completely agree with you. She still needs to be respectful to the OP.

As a teenager I didn't particularly like my stepdad. He is very outspoken and called my dad a lot and he played a part in my parents' divorce. did do a lot for me and he was really nice to me until I became an adult, when our personalities clashed. I was still respectful and decent towards him as a kid, and I don't and never will agree with teenagers being arsey towards their stepparents just because they feel it's their right to act that way. And I'm talking about the stepparents that are respectful and decent towards their stepchildren- it's all a two way street.
Now that I'm an adult I can't stand him and I thankfully very rarely see him. When I turned 18ish he suddenly started being horrible to me and upset me a lot.

I will happily answer him back now if he says something that winds me up. I don't respect him at all.

Thank you so much for your post and for persisting with your thread.

I have an almost identical situation with my 17 yr old DSD and things are getting that way with her 15 yr old sister.

What my DP doesn't get is that it's my home and they are welcome visitors. DP seems to think that means it is their home and I am the visitor so they can treat me anyway they like.

DP's excuse is that life at the ex must be horrible for them to act like this that we. Eyed to give them some slack.

My opinion is the opposite, because they have no rules at the ex they need some at our house.

We could both be right, or both wrong. But I feel trying to make up for some imagined deficiency at the ex's is wrong. They should know the rules and expected behaviour.

Re the oldest, it's the age where she is learning to be an adult not an old child, there's a world out there that doesn't know or care too much about her background.

I'm talking about the stepparents that are respectful and decent towards their stepchildren- it's all a two way street.

That's very subjective though isn't it; some would say your stepfather didn't deserve your respect because no matter how he behaves towards you, he played a part in the breakdown of your parents marriage, and that, to many people, is a form of child abuse.

This is the fundamental problem - there are no shared reference points when a family blends. What is rude in one family is commonplace in another; what is expected without question to one household is unthinkable to the other.

What seems to be commonplace is the expectation that the stepmother, and resident DCs, are the ones who should compromise. If they move into the stepdads home, then he and his (NR) kids already have routine, and changes to there are palmed on the WSM. If the stepdad and NR DCs move into the stepmums home, then the stepmum and resident DCs need to "make them feel welcome" and not expect them to fit in with their existing routine, boundaries and traditions.

*blamed, not palmed

Many years ago, I had a similar problem. It got so that on the days my dsc were going to be there I didn't want to go home after work. My lovely DH was blinkered and guilty and afraid they'd vote with their feet. So not doing any real proper parenting. I was so desperate, even thinking I might have to leave DH for my own sanity, I went and got counselling. After two sessions my counsellor said it would be a good idea if DH came to the next session. He agreed. The great thing was, he wanted to sort the problem and was willing to be there. And he was open to the idea of changing things. When the counsellor explained things to him he admitted that it made sense and that she was saying the same stuff as I'd been telling him for ages. She drew us diagrams on the dynamics etc and gave us strategies and homework. And, after a while it worked. So I sympathise op, I really do. But you can't go on living like this. It isn't working for you and you need to say so and do something to change things.

What my DP doesn't get is that it's my home and they are welcome visitors. DP seems to think that means it is their home and I am the visitor so they can treat me anyway they like.

My dps children are not visitors in my home. They are family. Dps family. If they were treated as visitors I'd expect them to take the hump.

I also agree with the point that it seems to be SM who always has to change and or make allowances.

Back the oriiginal post I Still think it was silly leaving the book in the kitchen for her to find. She clearly didn't like it if she had text her dad. He maybe shouldn't have ignored her text but did he speak to you about it? Did he tell you why it went ignored? Was it to avoid confrontation and potentially her stopping coming over or did he disagree with her or not want to take her side? I mean he could have text her back saying 'oh I know that books shocking' then it would be like the 2 of them are against you if you see what I mean. Maybe dp just didn't want an arguement over something quite trivial.

If dsd won't speak to you at all if I were you I'd make sure to always say hello and goodnight. I'd also try engaging in conversation ( I assume you have done this tho) in front of dp . If she ignores you then dp should be saying something. If he doesn't then I'd be having words with him. I find the jugnoring thing unacceptable. My dsd doesn't speak to me but Im always courteous and I ask questions. She doesn't totally blank me though- I get one word answers which is almost as bad.

he played a part in the breakdown of your parents marriage, and that, to many people, is a form of child abuse

Seriously? That seems a very inappropriate use of the term 'child abuse' to me. Are you saying just the fact of being an influencing force in the breakup of a set of parents can make you a child abuser? Or specifically being an 'other woman/man' who then later becomes a stepparent can make you a child abuser?

RE the OP - maybe it's a good thing that she read the book, even if her initial reaction was to belittle it that doesn't mean she hasn't read things in it that will stay with her and give her food for thought.

I'd certainly be on the lookout for any signs of softening to towards you and ready to try to maximise any opportunity that might give you to build bridges.

Ideally her dad would actually talk to her about what she read and take it as a chance to talk to her, as a young adult, about the problems both you and she have in your relationship, that it's not easy for either of you.

But I suppose that won't happen...

riverboat it's not an uncommon belief on MN and if oft quoted - playing a part in the breakup of a marriage is viewed, by some, as emotionally abusive to the DCs of that marriage, and indicative of someone who will go on to abuse them further.

acceptable and unacceptable behaviour on the part of DCs and adults is so subjective that what one person expects another won't.

Did you miss my questions Piratespoo?

It's hard to help without knowing a little more background as to why she's being like this towards you.

I havent read the book bit maybe what she is saying is right. I was also going to say similar to riverboat - perhaps her reading the book would be a good place to start a discussion with her. Your dp could read it and talk to her about it and see if there's any give in her.

And perhaps if you read it, you might agree with her that they do wallow in self pity and that would be a good place to start too.

At what point are DCs held accountable for their own actions, and their parents held accountable for their DCs behaviour?
It's nothing to do with being 'accountable' and frankly, just the use of this word says it all. It's not about scoring points, or holding someone responsible for a bad situation. It's about looking at changes that can be made to make the situation better. When this involves an adult and a child, then yes, I do believe the onus is on the adult to make the first move.

but he can (if he chooses) insist that she behaves respectfully. He is not doing her any favours by allowing this. Everybody needs to be respectful towards others, and this includes his dd.
But how do you know that it is not OP being direspectful too? That's the problem, many disrespectful people have no idea that they are, but they are so focus on expecting others to change their ways that they don't have an insight clue that they are not better than those they accuse.

My SM could have come here years ago if such a forum had existed and gone on and on about how disrepectul I was as a teenager. She wouldn't have been wrong because yes, I reached the stage when I was. What she wouldn't have bothered to mention though are things such as that despite be being petrified of the dark when I was 10ish and asked for my bedroom door to stay open and the hall way light on, she made a point of going to the toilet and turning the light off and closing my door despite my dad saying that it was ok. She also wouldn't have mentioned the day she came in my room and told me when she was clearly angry 'Well Miss X (my mother's surname rather than my dad's and hers'), you don't belong to this family'. Those are the main things that have stuck to my mind because they upset me greatly, but there were many other actions that had a significant impact on my feelings that led me to wanting nothing to do with her.

Time has gone by and we have amazingly rekindled our relationship and get along brilliantly. Last year, she told my husband that she had massive regrets with the way she handled the situation, that she was young and way to focus on my behaviour, which was actually nothing but typical kid/teenager, but she couldn't see this at the time. However, she has forgotten the above events, probably because they were not significant to her and quickly forgotten, whereas they stuck to me for many years.

So indeed, when there is conflict between a SM and a child, and the child is accused of being disrespectful, I don't always assumed that it is only in one direction.

Are you saying just the fact of being an influencing force in the breakup of a set of parents can make you a child abuser?

When you knowingly get involved with someone who has children, you are without a shadow of a doubt contributing to the break up of a family. Is that child abuse? Probably not. But it's piss poor behaviour and shows an absolute disregard for anyone else's needs other than your own. I have no doubt there are step parents out there who have entered their step children's lives in this way who are decently behaved towards them. My own children, however, experienced nothing but abuse from the 'other woman' - physical and emotional. She is now many years gone from their lives but the mere mention of her reduces my eldest to tears.

I struggle to understand why women (I know it's not always women) behave in this way, particularly when they have their own children. Without exception, all the women my ex has had a relationship with have introduced their children to him within weeks of knowing him. The latest hadn't even met my children when she had agreed to move in and marry him. She couldn't have known what impact my children could possibly have on her own child yet she went ahead with it all anyway. Personally, I'd say someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about the well-being of their own child is never going to care about the well-being of mine

It's nothing to do with being 'accountable' and frankly, just the use of this word says it all. It's not about scoring points, or holding someone responsible for a bad situation.

I'm not talking about being accountable for a situation, I'm talking about being held accountable for their behaviour .

At what point, if ever, can a child be told "your behaviour towards your stepparent is unacceptable?" Or, is the nature of the relationship justification enough to suspend any boundaries regarding standards of behaviour?

Pirates I really get your point about your partner being afraid to properly parent his child, because there's always the veiled threat that she'll stop visiting. My DH is a prime example in that his (grown up) DD has played him like a fiddle for all the years I've known him!
Anyway, basically each time DSD visits, you are ignored and frozen out to the point you retreat to your bedroom...that's so wrong! I realise that trying to have a calm discussion with your partner about this, is like spitting in the wind....but something's got to give! And in this case I don't see how you as a SM can be blamed, you've tried to be civil, and got nothing but rudeness back!
Is there any possibility that your partner could, at least very other visit, take his DD out for the day, lunch/shopping/a show etc? Then, she gets her DF to herself, which seemingly us what she wants, and you get a stress free day at home/day out/time with friends & family?

Obviously there are SM's who are less than kind to their DSC, (which is unacceptable especially if the DC are young) just as there are others who give their all to make life happy, happy, happy for their partner's children!
But I would say there is also a lot of middle ground, where SM's try to be as accommodating, and fair as they can, and generally make a decent fist of the job! But, they are not your own children, and no matter how much you do for them/care about them/put yourself out for them.....you will probably never have the unconditional love for them that you have for your own! And when your efforts are treated with rudeness and contempt, it must be very hard to deal with it! I would go so far as to say, it's not really the child's fault, even at 16, because it has become learned acceptable behaviour...due to the NR parents inability to properly parent their child!

Therearegoodtimes, it has been like to for several years, me trying, no response from her. But it had graduated now to complete ignoring. For what it's worth, as another story seems to be being played out here also, I was not the OW. I met him two years after they split up.
My dh is quite emotionally stunted, so him trying to understand more points of view than his own is quite difficult for him. He just wants to brush everything under the carpet but as my dsd keeps on bringing up things she is unhappy about that happened over four years ago, when we were on holidays, she was incredibly naughty, her father would not tell her off, so I had to as i parented my own younger dd, and it all kicked off from there. She was cross with him too, but it all worked into me being to blame and she just won't move on. And she has repeated the lies she told about me so often, I think she now believes they are true. She has repeated them to her mother and to other, so they believe I did what she said, when I didn't. Nothing bad, she says I shouted at her when I didnt. It is all so ridiculous I feel like I can't be bothered with it anymore.

I don't even know why I bought the book, maybe for my dh to read so he can see I am not mad when I say he treats her like she is his wife. He will ask where she wants to go and then tells me where we are going. I now don't go, but it often means they go out with my two dc and I am left at home cos I don't want to go.....

Asking the kids then telling you what's happening... Happens all the time in my house. Does my box in.
I totallystmpathiae with you so I hope you dont misread anything I say. My dps kids aren't the mostforth coming with me and I find it easier to just not speak to them.

Maybe next time hide the book though if you don't want dsd involved.

Pirates, I know what that feels like because, over the many years I've learned that the DSC, really only want their DF's company. They are never, ever rude to me, but there's that unspoken feeling of., 'Oh yes Widgin, we were just going to have some time with dad, but you can come...if you really want to!'
Well, you don't in the end do you?!