The book, Stepmonster

[Piratespoo]

My step daughter is 16 and now does not speak to me at all. Completely ignores me when she comes to our house every other weekend. (A whole other thread with loads of issues)

Anyway, I book the bought Stepmonster as recommended on here by many. I left it in the kitchen ready for when I had time to read and last weekend she took the book and started reading it.

She then texted her father saying:
" I started reading that Stepmonster book. It truly is awful! It's just a load of women wallowing in self pity for ages!!!"

I am not a sm, so maybe I am out of line being on this thread, but in your position I would insist my dh called her and told her she had no business taking your property. It 8s the equivalent of snooping - If she didn't like what she has read, then perhaps she needs to think about why you feel that way! If your dh won't say it to her then I think you should. Your household needs to stop tiptoeing around this behaviour.

I wouldn't disappear into my room either, when she came. I would quietly and politely pull her up on every bit of rude behaviour. You can't control what your husband does but you can insist on respect and manners in your own home. He is failing you as a husband in allowing this to go on and the time has come to challenge it.

My rule would be very simple - she is either civil or she doesn't visit. If h wants her to be welcome in the house, then he has to actively parent his child. He is doing no one any favours by ignoring this - it won't go away.

Letgo....I absolutely agree with your points, but if my DH is anything to go by, I think Pirates would have a hard job implementing that plan!
Thankfully, I don't have rude or bad mannered DSC, but being a SM is (IMO) one of life's difficult and thankless jobs!

LetGo, I appreciate your thoughts, but the bigger picture has to be considered. If I did that, who do you think would be blamed if she then said you wouldn't come? Dh would blame me for tackling it and dsd would blame me even more. Being a step mother frequently means you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

So for those SM who aren't supported by their partner, have any of you actually tried to question why that might be?

I am asking this because again, it is definitely something my SM complained about and the reason why that he just didn't agree with her attitude and behaviour towards me. Most of the time, he wanted a quiet life, so tried to avoid any discussion, sometimes it escalated into an argument and she would feel unheard and uncared for, but not once did she actually considered what my dad say.

My dad would come to me and ask me to make some efforts, and I would, but after a couple of years of feeling that she just didn't like me and deep inside wished I stayed with my mum and didn't come to what she considered her house, something that she didn't need to say because I felt it every time I opened the door, I just didn't see the point as I just didn't believe that anything I did or say would make her like me. Even at a young age, I knew that it wasn't so much me she had an issue with, but the essence of me, ie. the fact that my dad had a child who he loved from another woman, a child she couldn't discipline the way she thought was the right way, and who just got in between her and her husband.

I can as an adult see her perspective now and I do know that she felt rejected. However, she was the adult then, I was the kid, she was supposed to be the more mature one, the one who did the self-reflecting and drove the change. Yet all she could focus her energy on was how she could try to change me and I think that's what was her error.

Pirate, have you actually reflected how it all came about? What lead to the situation being the way it is?

And just one question that came to mind? How come you go to see the text that was sent to her dad? It clearly wasn't addressed to you, so why would you know about it?

Swing....your points from a SD's view were eloquently put, and it made me stop in my tracks and think a bit about my own SMing attitudes! We have never had any of our DC living with us, as DH & I got together when they were all grown, (which was deliberate as I did not want to live a blended family life)! And I'll be honest, I am frankly in awe of all you SM's who do have their DSC with them all/part of the time!
I have issues with one of my DSC who, as those you who've read other posts will know, still considers her DF to be totally financially responsible for her, a fact which causes me to fume, and DH and I to argue...on the few occasions he will even respond to my requests to discuss it...all of which fail miserably!
But having said that, I know it isn't really DSC's fault, it's her DF's fault for allowing the situation to develop to this point! So, I am never unpleasant or abusive or even cool with my DSC, I have over the years slightly disengaged with all of them, but there is, to my knowledge, no bad feeling....in fact I was this week talking to a distant relative of theirs who marvelled at the good relationship they tell her we have......who knew!!!

but he can (if he chooses) insist that she behaves respectfully. He is not doing her any favours by allowing this. Everybody needs to be respectful towards others, and this includes his dd.
But how do you know that it is not OP being direspectful too? I don't know. Which is why I've been saying everybody in the household needs to behave in a respectful way towards each other.

PS: Swing, I know why my DH will/can not discuss any problems I have with his DC...he sees it as criticism of them, (natch) he simply cannot say no to any of them, (afraid they'll stop seeing him as number one person in their lives) and he is incapable of dealing with any kind of confrontation, (typical male head in the sand attitude)!!
So, after decades we soldier on, and I let as much go over my head as possibly can!!

I get the feeling from the OP's posts that the DSD knows that she holds all the cards and if her father wants to see her, he will have to play by her rules.

I know how it came about, we went on holiday all together, it was dreadful from beginning to end and since then she has never moved on. It was five years ago.
I have tried to get on with her, but I get one word answers if I am lucky. Nothing I do is ever good enough and she rewrites history like she's tony Blair. We used to get on when she was very little, but unfortunately it didn't last. It hasn't helped that me and her dad have had a very tumultuous relationship and obviously she emotionally takes her dads side, which is to be expected, but it means she can never like me, I expect. Who knows. It has meant though that she has lied about many things and I find that very hard, but I have never confronted her about it. Her dad has, but we go nowhere.... If she starts crying, which she does, her mum says no more or my dh doesn't know what to do so nothing is ever resolved.

So, after decades we soldier on, and I let as much go over my head as possibly can!!

I think the problems is that when you take this pov, and accept that this is just "part of who your DP is" then as a stepmum, there is nowhere safe for you to let off steam.

Whereas women can vent to friends, and annonymously on forums, about their DH's attitude towards their work, hobby, sport, even their shared DCs, when it comes to a women venting about her DP's attitude towards her stepDC's then social conditioning affects the way in which the audience responds.

The "Stepmonster" book describes this really well by presenting the way in which the media changed their tone and atitude towards certain women whose DSC had experienced tragedy. When it was established that these women were not the DC's mothers, but their stepmothers, the sympathy was withdrawn and it was replaced with suspicion.

Stoically soldiering on as a stepmum is an incredibly isolated place to be.

You're telling me it's a lonely place Pretty!!
I have one very close friend in whom I can confide, but I don't really like burdening her too much as she is not a SM, so can't fully understand...which is why I'm glad of the likeminded (and opposite) viewpoints on this forum!

I remember you situation wdingin and I think you are dealing with it the best way you can. As you say, you are not holding your SD responsible for it, and even though you don't agree with your DH, you don't hold it against him. I think by doing so, you are showing to be a caring SM and wife.

Then only to play devil's advocate Pirate, maybe she has been much more affected by the conflict between her dad and you than you think. If she's seen her dad genuinely upset and somehow believes that it was the outcome of your doing, then it is going to be hard for her to forgive you, even if her dad did.

Could it be that she was taken to party to some of the things that happened and hurt in the process of it? It can be very similar to adult parents when they see their children emotional hurt by their partner having to comfort them. They usually do find it hard to welcome the partner back in the lives and they are supposed to be more mature.

Swing, she has seen her dad treat me like utter shit, not upset. I have never seen him upset, just angry. She may well blame me for our arguments or atmosphere, but she has never said that. However, I am not responsible for her fathers behaviour to me, which at times has been awful, I am only responsible for my own behaviour, and I have only ever treated her like I would treat my own dc.

Ah. Well now that's different. If she's seen her father treating you like shit, then of course he can't speak to her about everyone behaving respectfully towards each other in the house! She is learning from him how to behave. Now it's easier to make sense of your situation.

So he's treated you badly and she's witnessed this. And when she treats you with disdain or whatever her father does nothing about it. So treating you with a lack of respect is acceptable to both of them. He's shown her it's absolutely fine. And he can't start telling her off about it now he's shown her. Because he hasn't got a leg to stand on if his behaviour towards you isn't what it should be. Things not being harmonious between you and DH would naturally mean she's taken up a position.

Do you actually still want to be in this relationship and putting up with this?

However, I am not responsible for her fathers behaviour to me, which at times has been awful, I am only responsible for my own behaviour This is, of course, true. But your own behaviour has included staying with a man who has treated you badly. So in that way, you are accepting poor treatment from DH, which DSD sees. You've been accepting poor behaviour from her as well. She's in battle with you. He's in battle with you. She knows perfectly well there's not a thing you can do about it, other than to end the relationship. Unless you are inclined to do that, they both have you over a barrel I'm afraid.

I do think that puts a whole different slant on things. She's already seen her mum and dad split up, and now her dad in a relationship where things have been rocky and he treats you like shit. That can't be easy for her. And even if you had a point about telling her off, the trouble with being a SM is that the children project their unhappiness onto you because it feels disloyal to be being unhappy with their own parent. And who is she going to model her behaviour on? His. She's seen him treating you like he has, so to her it's ok. I think the person whose behaviour you need to be tackling here is your dp's, not your SDs.

I think the person whose behaviour you need to be tackling here is your dp's, not your SDs.

To be fair, the OP seems to have been trying to address the issue by reading a book about her own role in the family. There is no sugestion that she is blaming her DSD, and seems very aware that her DPs lack of robustness is a factor in her DSD behaviour. "Stepmonster" will further reinforce that.

It doesn't take away from the fact that the OP has to share her home with a 16 year old DC who, for whatever reason, is over stepping boundaries, is rude and disrespectful.

Even if the OP knows why that might be, it's not suddenly going to make it acceptable.

Thank you Swing!

I know it doesn't make it acceptable. My dh, in all honesty, doesn't know what else to do. And neither do I. I suppose I have just accepted things how are they are for now. She hopefully will find a boyfriend and get a life and not want to come so often. My dh speaks to her and texts her everyday, so she has plenty of contact with him. How it works for the future though, I don't know. My dd loves her and it is hard to explain to her why things are how they are and why mummy doesn't come out with them. I also feel quite annoyed that I am the one left out and they can all go out, dsd, dss, my dd and ds together, without me, and play happily families like I don't exist and am not important.

Pirates, that's a terrible situation for you and your DD, how unfair that your DSD's attitude towards you, colours the rest of the family's view of life!
Tbh, having a DSD myself, who quite frankly doesn't give a toss about anyone else or their opinion/view....I really feel for you!

Yes, I've read the thread too Pretty. But the main focus from Pirates has been what she can do to improve the relationship between her and her SD, about the text and the fact that she ignores her and other behaviour. Not about how she could get her dp to change his behaviour.

Pirates, what if you were to go along on one of these trips?

But the main focus from Pirates has been what she can do to improve the relationship between her and her SD, about the text and the fact that she ignores her and other behaviour. Not about how she could get her dp to change his behaviour.

That seem eminently sensible to me. The OP can't change anyones behaviour but her own. She is owning the problem that is present between herself and her DSD, rather than trying to change her DP.

If I were to go, it would just be terribly awkward. She not speaking to me and me to speaking to her. There is no point. I feel terrible the whole time.
At least if I don't go I feel annoyed but in the comfort of my own home with some child free time.