The book, Stepmonster

[Piratespoo]

My step daughter is 16 and now does not speak to me at all. Completely ignores me when she comes to our house every other weekend. (A whole other thread with loads of issues)

Anyway, I book the bought Stepmonster as recommended on here by many. I left it in the kitchen ready for when I had time to read and last weekend she took the book and started reading it.

She then texted her father saying:
" I started reading that Stepmonster book. It truly is awful! It's just a load of women wallowing in self pity for ages!!!"

I'm not a step mother thank god but DD might be one in the future which got me reading books on the subject.

I don't spose there's any chance that the DSD would read or discuss teh book with you if you asked her. To get her point of view. I would say she is old enough, if she did bother to read it (unlikely), to take what she read on board and find some of the info a bit of a shock. Which might be a good thing, for her to see the SMs point of view, - she could be one in the future after all!!!

It's hard (or impossible) as a teenager if you have stated you hate someone/something to go back on it and admit you were a stroppy moo and unreasonable. But is there anyway you can build bridges with her, OP? for you own sake.

Scooby, I would say at 16 the OP's DSD is very unlikely to decide she is wrong, and to change her attitude! The best/only thing Pirates can do is manage the situation as best she can until...hopefully her DSD grows in maturerity, and has more to interest her than ignoring/being rude to her SM!
She may well go off to uni/abroad, and come back with a very different attitude to life and her family, she may even behave normally to Pirates and act like this time of bad manners never existed!

Lets hope so Wdigin, if that happened, i would marvel!

Yep I would agree with Wdigin - having two older DSDs (now adults) - to admit their resentful feelings is probably never going to happen!

Probably because it's such an awkward, emotional time anyway, as a SM you probably will bear the brunt of any antagonism, and to admit that and try to resolve it isn't the issue. Because, I believe anyway, WE are not the issue - it's all sorts of other stuff, probably loyalty, grief about their parents not being together, someone else in 'their' house, with 'their' Dad. You could be Mother Theresa, it wouldn't matter. Because it's not about you as a person.

My oldest now pretends her being horrible about me never, ever happened. I think for her to really realise how hurtful and upsetting it was for me would be too much for her, in a way I'm so 'distant' to her emotionally, that she thinks that I'm a kind of 'brick wall'. Does that sound in any way like your situation?

I suppose I'm trying to say, don't expect too much of your step daughter. Don't expect her to understand, or treat you well. Expect your DP to understand though. And if he doesn't, and your 'home' is getting too stressful, then clearly put a time limit on what you will put up with and why to your DP. Spend a couple of months going away weekends, doing your own thing, creating your own life away from a toxic environment. If your step daughter ignores you say how you it makes you feel right away, to her, to your DP, but be prepared to eventually live somewhere else if it doesn't get better as it's really draining.

Bananas has probably, but sadly, got it right! If things continue and you find that the atmosphere your DSD brings to the house is too toxic, peprhaps taking yourself out of it is the only answer!
Nobody wants to vacate their own home every other weekend, but you could do it maybe once a month, even if occasionally you just go off to a spa by yourself for the weekend, if that's your thing.....I know women for who this is a monthly treat!
I'd ensure that your DP really knows why you're doing it, and pays for it too, and I know how petty that sounds! But, if he cannot or will not take charge of this situation, and actually consider how this is affecting, not only you, but the stability of the marriage....then you have to be proactive in protecting yourself!

Resurrection in Progress

Is it worth buying this book? OP, did things ever get sorted for you?

I have a 22 yr old sd who has refused to have any contact with me (SM) for 5 yrs. I've had years of being ignored, lied about, ostracised. I gave up long ago. However, much as I don't want to "go there" any time soon, I adore my other sd and get on well with SS. It's just the youngest. All my attempts at resolving the issue have been flatly refused.

She recently graduated fro Uni. DH didn't attend graduation as he has said he will not attend anything I'm not invited to. I feel there's years ahead of weddings, parties, christenings where, I don't want DH to resent me for his non attendance.

Might this book help? Could it help me to resolve anything?

Yes I also wonder about the OP. I found the book brilliant. I was sick of all the other books or articles that kept saying 'Don't make any waves, keep being like your step children's best friend, take any abuse they are only children, give it a few years it will great'. So good to finally have someone being honest, and for me it made me feel like I was not going crazy. It gave me the impetus to stick up for myself. I'd become a bit of a 'step mum martyr', gradually sinking and being ignored into a corner in my own home.

Eliza - refusing contact is pretty awful. It is a form of attack, and an insidious one at that, as it implies an awful lot to others. It is like putting up a big banner saying 'SM is awful'. Now, if you were awful, OK, but I seriously doubt that you were considering your posts!

I'm quite amazed that your DH refuses to go to anything that you are not invited to, as it is so unusual for a Dad to have the strength to refuse his own daughter. I wish my DP did the same. One of my DSDs, now 19, did similar, but unfortunately my DP indulged her, sulked at me, and now we are trying to untangle the whole thing in counseling to rescue our flagging relationship.

I wish my DP would read the 'stepmonster' book!

Bananas... I guess you've seen my many (many!) posts on the issue with youngest SD. A big part of me wants to just carry on, as we are. In a "no news is good news" kind of way. We had my sister in law up, over the weekend. We have never discussed the subject but, she said to me, unprompted "I can only imagine how awful it's been for you. It doesn't surprise me that it went the way it did; it's so unfair when it was her (DH's Ex) that had the affair and left him". It's the very first time anyone has referenced the situation and said (kind of) "it's them, not you". I felt huge relief because as you say (and DH doesn't get this) it's like SD holding up that banner and saying "Eliza is just so awful a person, I have not set foot in my home for over five years.....That's how dreadful she is!"

I have ordered the book on Amazon, by the way. It can only help, hopefully.

Oh, and as for DH's support ... Yes, he is adamant re: "If Eliza doesn't go, neither do I" but his daughter knows how awful that is for her dad. So, she STILL gets to punish him. And I then see his upset and that's how I get punished. I wish he'd just go to stuff and leave me out of it. I really cannot imagine I've anything (anything) to say to SD now and I just need to stay away from her, ad infinitum.

I'm really pleased that your sister-in-law said those things to you.

I had exactly the same a few years ago, with my DPs sister. And of all the things that have really helped me as a SM, that also counted as one the top. I didn't realise how much I needed to hear, from someone else, who knew the family, that I wasn't assumed to be an evil SM. She said that she also found DPs EX very difficult, wasn't surprised at all by DPs head in the sand attitude, and also said that she found it hard to bond with her nieces (my DSDs) too. This she said, was the attitude from their mother that it was OK to be indifferent and rude.

Whatever the ins and outs, just to have someone validate that you are OK really, Eliza, is pretty important. As both of us have a bit of a sad situation really. Luckily my DSDs aren't quite as brutal as your DSD, they have all admitted that I am OK. But the ignoring does continue.

Chin up, best foot forward and on we go, then!

Thanks for replying Bananas

She recently graduated fro Uni. DH didn't attend graduation as he has said he will not attend anything I'm not invited to

With that action, he probably made sure that any relationship with him, let alone you is over for good.

However sad that your relationship with her broke down, especially since her siblings have no issue, I find your OH's attitude shocking. I didn't get on with my SM as I grew up and wouldn't have wanted her at my graduation, but if my dad had told me that he wouldn't come without her, I would have written both of them off my life. As it is, my dad remained closed as time passed, my SM and I made up and now in my 40s, we are very close.

SwingOfThings I understand what you're saying there. When I say that for 5 + years we have invited, cajoled, written to her and she has flatly refused contact, I wonder what else could have been done. The fact that the other two "kids" have remained close and have each tried their best to help resolve matter, also reassures me that as far as youngest goes, there really is nothing else to be done.

I think (sadly) that she didn't want dad to remarry. All was wonderful for 4 yrs whilst DH and I dated long distance but when it was suggested we would marry, it all went badly wrong. DH's ex had an affair which ended the marriage. She suggested that they continue to live together but only on the condition that she could have her extra marital relationship alongside. Obviously, DH would not agree to this.

As a young teen, and for years after, many many allowances were made and that was the right thing to do at the time but now, a line has been drawn.

Sd will not forgive dad for marrying anyone. It wasn't about "me".

We are not wanting her forgiveness. She has behaved badly. As a young adult, she must understand that you cannot treat people badly without consequences.

Oh, and DH does have contact with her. He has never ceased, despite her ignoring him for years. They do lunch/dinner meet ups etc. It's crap, I know but she has said she won't come here and will never accept me so, what exactly should he do? What she wants .... Mum and dad together again, will never happen whether I'm here or not so my guess is, she will always be disappointed.

I love my other SD. She is a delight and it's lovely when we see her. Same goes for step son.

I feel there's years ahead of weddings, parties, christenings where, I don't want DH to resent me for his non attendance.

Is there any way that you can persuade him to change his approach and to treat his relationship with his youngest DD as a part of his life that you are not involved in?

Because if you've made your peace with the situation, then him holding out for your presence at these events is setting you up for a whole raft of emotional turmoil in the future. Let's Say you are invited to her wedding in order to secure her dads attendance. Will you go? Or will you decline? Because if you don't accept, then your DH loses the moral high ground he currently may have and may well lose the support of his other DCs as well.

I completely understand your DHs position, but, rather than expect his DD to change, it would be more effective to change your own and Your DP's behaviour.

I guess, TimeForA it comes down to two things.

1. I will NEVER be invited. So it's a battle of wits. SD wanted dad to choose and he chose to stand by his original declaration which was that he loves his children and will always love them but....he does not need their permission and approval in choosing a partner.

2. DH is a very "do the right thing" kind of person. He saw how hard I tried. He could not (and neither could his other kids) criticise my behaviour. I treated them all the same. I tried very very hard for everyone; him, his 3, my child and me to feel wanted and settled. He knows absolutely that I did nothing wrong and his youngest was jealous. It got to the stage where he couldn't buy me a bunch of Sainsburys flowers without a massive sulk and the whole weekend being messed up. So, it might be easier if there were one justified reason for her estrangement as this would allow him to say "I think it best/I understand why she wants nothing to do with us "as a couple" but as it is, there IS no reason and his rationale is that SD needs to see us as a couple. We will attend things together or not at all.

So, that's where we're at. Personally, I think to stay away from her would be safest for me.

I am speaking from the step child perspective, and whereas as a father, you consider yourself one in terms of husband and dad, as a SC, you see your father totally different to the man who is married to someone.

So his attitude is, if she can't accept me as a married man that I am and who therefore come as a package with his wife, then she is not getting the dad.

I think this is very wrong. He does have two separate relationship and role and he needs to recognise this. She doesn't have to accept his married status to accept him as her dad. Really, it is him losing out from not recognising this. He really isn't doing what is right for everyone, he is standard stubbornly on a principle that he think is right which is doing nothing else but ruined the little chance he has left to have a relationship with his daughter.

By not attending her graduation, he has given very strong vibes that he is punish her for her stands. It has nothing to do with you and the fact that you don't deserve her attitude. That's clear between the two of you and that's what matters. However, perfect or not, she is still his daughter and should take her as she is, even if it means still having an issue with the past.

Using my situation as an example, I started to make peace with my SM when I became a mum. It was very simple, when my DD was born, I decided that she would come into the family considering my SM as her grandmother since she was married with my dad and had no reason to consider her differently just because of my own experience. When my SM realised that this was position, she was extremely touched. That with changes that took place in her life, she realised that she had treated me quite unfairly when I was a kid (mainly treated me like a kid who would amount to nothing as an adult when time showed that I actually did very well as an adult despite difficulties). Thankfully, I am the type of person who never forgets but who can move on, so I put behind my before feelings and focused on the present and this way managed to build a new relationship with her.

If my dad however had refused to have anything with me without her before I was 28 and pregnant, I am pretty sure that they would never have been invited to meet their grand daughter and we would probably still be in non speaking terms 16 years later.

SwingOfThings, it's good to hear you've resolved things with your SM. I think as you say, having children yourself does change things and you also attest to a change of attitude yourself and the fact that your SM treated you badly, as a child. My situation is quite different. SD was treated no differently to the others; in fact, she was allowed certain things as "the youngest" etc that the others were not. Nothing bad happened. And we have over the years continued to include her/encourage her. Never, ever has she been left out.

DH is a good man. An excellent father. He has tried and continues to try, to do the right thing. Having his adult daughter tell him who he can and cannot be with is just not on. At the least, it's atrocious manners. She is NOT a little girl. When her sister gets married, will I not be invited because she will pull her "I won't go if she's there?" DH has set a precedent and it is the right one. It is this...."if Eliza is persona non grata, I will not attend".

One Christmas all the family was here. Leading up to the day, SD was asked over and over to please come and enjoy the day with us. In the day, she came and when I said "Merry Christmas SD" she turned in her heel and left. A few months later it got back to us that she had told people "I went to dad's on Xmas day and they made me stand on the doorstep and I wasn't allowed in with everyone else". Her presents sat under the tree and we were all upset. So many times, this has happened. Enough.

My Stepmonster book arrived today....

You say:
I feel there's years ahead of weddings, parties, christenings where, I don't want DH to resent me for his non attendance.

Yet, you don't want your DH to change his stance:
DH has set a precedent and it is the right one. It is this...."if Eliza is persona non grata, I will not attend".

I'm positive that there will never be a magic wand that will change his DD's behaviour/attitude. She may change over time, but there is nothing you, or your DH can do to influence that.
Either, you will have to live with the fact that your DH refuses to attend family events without you, or he changes his own behaviour.

I cannot see a way of giving you the reassurance you are seeking (that he won't resent you) without your DH changing his approach.

I think the precedent I spoke of, was at the time the right one. For SD to say that she would not come to our home/do special occasions/be the only "child" absent unless DH guaranteed I was not involved, for no good reason as far as he (and I, and her siblings and some of her friends and family) could see was pandering of the worst kind.

We hoped, with patience, encouragement and time and maturity it would resolve and that precedent would no longer be necessary. It's never gotten better. It's actually gotten worse. I wrote to her, a lovely card asking that we out any misunderstandings in the past and move forward and stating that really, there was no earthly reason we couldn't rub along. SD didn't reply.

I've read the opening of The Stepmonster....something of a revelation and I feel better already.

SD was treated no differently to the others
I don't think I expressed myself well. At the time, my SM thought all the issues were my doing and that she was treating more than fairly. For instance, when she felt like it, she used to get me nice things and she felt that these nice gestures deserved to be acknowledged and appreciated. However, for me, it made things even worse because I saw it as her way to expect me to forgive her for things she did that hurt me deeply. I definitely know that at the time, my SM would have said that nothing bad had happened to me and she did everything to include me in the family (yet I felt completely marginalised as a teenager).

Of course your SD shouldn't impose who her father can be with or not, but yet you seem to think it is acceptable for your OH to impose you on her if she wants to see him. I don't see the difference.

As you say, she is an adult, so no, you shouldn't be excluded from event that are organised by other family members, it becomes her choice to join or not, but similarly, she shouldn't be forced to have to invite you to her events to have her dad there.

Frankly, I don't understand why you care. She has moved away from your life, you don't need to have anything to do with her any longer, so why do you care if her dad goes to see her in his own time? Or more importantly, why would you care to get that book when you don't have to be a SM to her any longer?

You don't see why I care? Really? My goodness, *SwingOfThings" are you saying this is a healthy dynamic? I was brought up to believe that if you treated people with kindness and respect, that's what you'd get back. I don't like that I'm thought of so badly, that his daughter has felt it necessary to boycott our home. And I care because I have a (I now see unlikely) vision of us all just getting on. Not best of friends, not a second "mum", just a person who is there .... not a big deal. As it is now, it's a big black cloud. And I have never objected to her seeing her dad, as it's nothing to do with me. DH wants us all to get on. She is adamant she will not. I give up. That's where we are.

I'm willing to read the book in an attempt to maybe, possibly see things from a different angle. You seem adamant that the SM is "in the wrong". Not always. Sometimes, the "kids" do behave badly and parents do their best, out of love, to work around it. I think 5yrs plus is a good attempt at this. You obviously disagree.

Thank you for your comments but really, if you can't understand that I may have wanted a better outcome than this for the remainder of our lives then I feel your view can't offer anything constructive.

As it is now, it's a big black cloud. And I have never objected to her seeing her dad, as it's nothing to do with me. DH wants us all to get on. She is adamant she will not. I give up. That's where we are.

And that is where you'll always be unless she changes her mind.

You can do no more than you've done. Your DH has made some choices that leave you feeling vulnerable, but you have said that you support his approach.

I did loads of reading to help me understand the reasons why the dynamic is the way it is - but eventually, I made a conscious choice to put it to one side and accept that my life with DH would never be exactly as I'd anticipated. Despite that, it's pretty awesome, so I don't find myself dwelling on it too often.
Hopefully, you'll reach that place too and be able to enjoy what you do have fully, without those niggles in the background.

Eliza I think your DH is absolutely doing the right thing and you also have done everything possible. Refusing to acknowledge or see your fathers new wife is emotional blackmail at its worst. Your DH had only two options, go with the emotional blackmail, which would probably have got worse and also alienated you. It could even have driven a wedge between you and DH.

My DP chose the other route, of wondering if his DD had a point, by ignoring me, and is now in the extremely sad position of possibly losing me, his other child (with me) and basically his future happiness. His DD, having got her Dad to only see her without me, has caused no end of bad feeling but doesn't care. She's not a bad person, but was rewarded for her manipulation. I actually even encouraged my DP to have a separate relationship with her as I was concerned that he wouldn't have one at all. But it really didn't help. She can't bothered to see her Dad much anymore, or her mum for that matter, she's found a BF and gone off for a bit. So my DP is left now, almost completely alone, as he got pulled away from me with the bad feeling and resentment.

It is a shame as now all parties, including DP, and DSD, admit that there was not really a problem with me. However the damage is done, and me and DP are left with a big hole where trust between us should be.

So I think that I am living proof that a DH allowing his DC to cut an SM out of the picture will never end well. And swing if you did this you were not being very nice to your SM either or to your father. I have had two step parents, neither or which were great tbh, but I have never, ever, refused to see them.

Time - I agree that we, as SMs and parents, can desperately want a good relationship with our kids or step kids, so much so that we can end up almost begging to be accepted if any of them decide to reject our partners.

Once a child has made that decision, it is impossible to get it back by just running after them and accepting any tiny morsels of acceptance back.

And yet, particularly as parents, step or not, as the huge burden of responsibility or blame falls on us, we think we should fix it. I have spent a couple of years feeling like I am to blame. That is a long time and very damaging. Eliza you are not to blame, and thank goodness your DH backs you up on this. As Time says, now is the work of trying to accept what has happened, is happening, but totally limit the impact it has on your life with your husband. You both deserve it.