DSCs ignore me but I am now accused of making them unwelcome!!!

[Ilikemangoes123]

This seems like a recurring theme in step families, I am just so sick of it!

I've spent the last 10 years with 3 DSCs and my own. Moved into their house. Took them on all trips cinema/fairs etc, cooked for them every weekend. Like a lot of SMs I hoped for a blended family but ended up accepting that I am just a background toleration.

For example - Invited all 3 DSCs on holiday last month, organised it all, they spent the whole time interacting with each other, never said thank you, eldest clung to her Dad so I had no time with him. Me and my DC mostly in the background. But I didn't complain, just got on with it.

And yet - have been accused this year through subtle and not so subtle pressure from DSCs and DPs Ex that I am not making them welcome?! DSCs are increasingly ignoring me and I just give up - I initiate every conversation, they take no interest at all in me, and they are all late teens now.

I tackled eldest DSC about ignoring me but saying it was me that was rejecting her - asked her why and she just told me to keep out of her life and walked to her mothers house and moaned about me. No specific why.

Now my DP is feeling guilty and the unsaid assumption is that he feels because he has to make up for me 'rejecting them' (how exactly?!) . We still have all kids every weekend, yet in weekdays, he is now going round to Exs house twice a day, to pick all DSCs up, take them to college, collect them, even though they are 17 to 19! With a clear bus route. It's their mum who doesn't want them any weekends but of course, she never gets any stick from anyone! (Their mum only works part time, has a car, but refuses to take them/collect them anytime ).

What is the point?!

OP your language does suggest that you do not consider them to be part of your family unit, so perhaps they are picking up on that?

You (what about their dad?) "invited" them on holiday and got no thanks. Did you invite your kids too, or was it a given that they were going? Generally speaking it is assumed that the children of a family go on holiday with their parents, there is no invitation.

You moved into their home, but they only come at weekends. I am assuming your DH kept on the family home and his XW moved out? They may resent the fact that you took over their "territory?" I know when my SM moved in with my Dad and changed decor, put up her pictures etc I felt pushed out, like she was trying to put her "mark" on things. That isn't particularly rational, but as a child (I was early teens) you see things very differently.

It seems you resent the time they spend with their father, him collecting them etc, but that is an issue you need to take up with him and not vent your frustration/anger on them. You need to sit down with him and say your piece and listen to what he has to say before working out a plan on how to go forward.

Although the teenage years can be difficult and many teens are stroppy/ungrateful/rude etc perhaps you need to take a step back and not put so much effort into "blending". I feel for you and your children too, my own childhood set up was similar ("blended" family that practically were two separate families living under the same roof) and it was really quite horrible, I really wanted them to split up!

Yes but if I step back - I am then accused of being separate families.

I think, having had them almost every weekend for 10 years, and accomodating that, having two live with us for some years, accomodating that - that I have been more than unselfish when it comes to time with my partner. Their mother insisted on every weekend alone with hers and yet got no ill feeling from anyone. Why would I be singled out?

I moved in - but was so sensistive that to this day I haven't put up one picture, or one piece of furniture.

I do resent DP doing both 'college runs' because he is doing it because of stirred up ill feeling that he is not 'doing enough' when he is practically at breaking point trying to fit a stressful job into a now shorter day. No one else sees this so they don't care. I don't vent my fustration on anyone. I just don't see the point anymore and think it might be better just be out of the situation really. It's just so soul destroying.

And yes, I came from a step family situation myself - it was hard so I made a special effort to be kind/patient etc. Again - why bother when there are no benefits at all?!

p.s. I 'invited' DSCs on holiday as it was originally to be just time with me and my DC visiting relations - without parter or anyone - as we have little money for holidays but I needed to see my relations.

But I felt sad about things being seen as 'separate' and really wanted to try and do some things together to help feel more like a family. I paid for it and organised all the stuff for the all the kids - particularly bearing in mind my DSCs to help them feel that it was a positive experience.

Er No!

You have not accommodated them every week - they have been living in their own home.

You did not invite them on holiday, they went on holiday with their family.

2 days per week, albeit at the weekend is not a lot of time to see their Dad and was that so he got quality time with them - because little point if he was at work Mon-Fri.

they are 17-19 - surely for the past 5 yrs - you did not need to babysit them.

you might be pissed off, but you come across quite poorly.

Your DH might need to put his foot down and say catch the bus, not unreasonable but that is his choice.

I did invite them on holiday - as if I hadn't there would have been no holiday at all with their DP. It was me who wanted them all there. 'Their family' - who is that exactly? Their DP? Who wasn't going on holiday in the first place? I have also taken them away with me without their DP.

Yes I am pissed off. Sick of things. So sure I am not being the calmest.

I did accomodate them - we all do. My DP accomodates my DC. I think it is an OK term. Teenagers, as we all know, are pretty tricky to live with so yes it wasn't easy at all and they need a lot of emotional minding.

If their own mother had posted here saying she'd been there for her teenage kids who were then turning around and telling her she wasn't making them welcome - despite being a consistent and kind person in their lives - would you tell her that she came across 'poorly'?

I think the problem is that you just don't really like each other. You might make an effort to act as if you do, they are teenagers, so they don't.

When you say you invited them on holiday, do you mean that you paid for it? Were they told that you paid and they should be grateful?The whole ins and out of adults financial arrangements are not really for teenagers to get involved to, so I would doubt they would have picked it up as them needing to be grateful for a holiday with their dad they wouldn't have had if it wasn't for your generosity.

I don't know about dislike. I found good in each of them and used that a basis to get to know them. I think I'm just totally despondent. It's like hitting a brick wall. There is only so much rejection I can take.

I've said here that I've included them in everything that I do with DC - and more, over a number of years. I'm not sure why everyone ignored all of that in my post and just pounced on 'invited'. It was my one time visiting relations with my DC, and I did 'invited DP and DSCs'. I paid/organised. I say this because I really am not seeing the point. I love my DP but after all this time, with nothing but ignoring and ill feeling now I'd rather just check out. Why would I stay somewhere where I am constantly being made to feel that I am not wanted? I've given it a fair try!

3Cheeky - yes I was just visiting relatives but wanted to give all the kids a 'holiday' if I could so I asked if they'd all like to go and that I'd organise some day trips and cook for everyone / treat everyone etc.

Part of me would like to just sit down with everyone, include EX, DSCs, DP and just say - come on what is going on here? None of us are perfect but what exactly is the problem? Stop slagging me off behind my back when I can do nothing about it! Don't you know your Dad needs a partner who loves him and I'm not the Devil! Of course I know that is mad.

Yes it is nice that they were invited; you didn't state the circumstances in your OP hence I thought it was strange that they were "invited" rather than going on a family holiday.

Take a step back OP and have a serious talk with your OP. It seems that there are deeper issues here than the "rejection".

Teenagers are perfectly capable of understanding that you are not obliged to find their holidays, that you paid for them and that was a generous thing to do. After all, they are making it clear that they don't consider you as a parent; so how can they expect you to act as one?

I am going through similar. Whatever I do, there is an undercurrent of resentment from dh's teenage children whenever anything nice happens to me, such as moving to a new house or dh buying me a gift. I deal with it by detaching (as best I can), one of them hurled a torrent of abuse at dh because he dared to enjoy our holiday to which sd was invited but chose not to come.

As another step mother wisely pointed out on another thread, step parenting isn't a natural situation- animals don't do it. I'm in awe of people who actually are able to make it work.

Fund not find their holidays!

Madmum thanks, there are all sort of issues but I think I've just become pretty cynical. DP did try and nicely 'cajole' them to make even an effort on 'holiday' - resulting in tears from 17 year old saying 'you pick on me' and of course, everything then revolved around her from her siblings to the extent my relations wondered why the hell they were all sullen faced and ignoring them as well.

Hormonal I don't think even the loveliest DP can stop his kids underlying resentment once it sets in. It's easy to do, who is going to challenge their child and get them to step up if they are either an Ex you would LOVE to hear how awful the step mum is, or a guilty Dad who feels torn and pulled in all directions.

But what can we do? I will seriously pull back but that kind of feels like complete defeat. How can it ever get better if I just separate from the step kids?

What are the ages of your DSC compared to your DC? I know all teenage but do they overlap or are yours a bit younger?

at anyone at college wanting to be dropped off by their dad!

fastdaytears DSC 16, 18 & 19 - All get dropped off and picked up from college! My DC 14 & 3.

My DC 14 yrs gets dropped off but comes back from school by bus (furthest away too from any other kids!) And DC never complains and always makes an effort with all family, bless him, even when ignored!

Well I don't know why some people are being critical of you, because in your position I wouldn't be able to stand it. I wouldn't want to live somewhere like that and I couldn't cope with sullen step children.

How would you feel if you and your DC moved out and had a peaceful and happy time for a while?

I'm amazed. I'd have thought it was so uncool to be dropped off by a parent. I'm a bit out of touch!

So 3 yo is with your DP I assume (or a hot milkman...). Have things been harder since the little one was born? Has that made them feel more "replaced" do you think?

ImperialBlether yes am at that point - would love to move out. Considering options.

fastdaytears - They get DP to do everything for them. He did all forms for 19 yr old college - got all her books - clings to her Dad yet doesn't treat him very kindly. Ex wife is always texting DP to pick them up as 'too tired' or whatever too. He's basically the bank account and taxi.

fastdaytears for a little while it helped, they were all over toddler in a way that they have never been to me or other DC. So a double edged sword - my DC felt hurt as they would ignore him for the baby.

Then they kind of got bored and ended up not making any effort - then eldest DSC went through a phase of trying to parent and criticising my parenting. Bit stressful.

Yes stressful would be one word for that!

Well, I really feel for you Ilike! Teens are notoriously up their own a*s, thinking the world revolves around them, but it sounds like you've been making a great effort with and for them over the years, getting very little respect in return! It also sounds like the Ex has a controlling hand in the mix, and your DP is between a rock and a hard place!
I think you have two options, detach make no further efforts with them, let them go their own way even if it means DP spends more time with them alone....or rethink your future!

how long have you been doing this thankless work? How much longer do you think you can take this shunning?

Gosh I feel for you too. What, as you say, is the point?
It sounds like a miserable time.