DSCs ignore me but I am now accused of making them unwelcome!!!

[Ilikemangoes123]

This seems like a recurring theme in step families, I am just so sick of it!

I've spent the last 10 years with 3 DSCs and my own. Moved into their house. Took them on all trips cinema/fairs etc, cooked for them every weekend. Like a lot of SMs I hoped for a blended family but ended up accepting that I am just a background toleration.

For example - Invited all 3 DSCs on holiday last month, organised it all, they spent the whole time interacting with each other, never said thank you, eldest clung to her Dad so I had no time with him. Me and my DC mostly in the background. But I didn't complain, just got on with it.

And yet - have been accused this year through subtle and not so subtle pressure from DSCs and DPs Ex that I am not making them welcome?! DSCs are increasingly ignoring me and I just give up - I initiate every conversation, they take no interest at all in me, and they are all late teens now.

I tackled eldest DSC about ignoring me but saying it was me that was rejecting her - asked her why and she just told me to keep out of her life and walked to her mothers house and moaned about me. No specific why.

Now my DP is feeling guilty and the unsaid assumption is that he feels because he has to make up for me 'rejecting them' (how exactly?!) . We still have all kids every weekend, yet in weekdays, he is now going round to Exs house twice a day, to pick all DSCs up, take them to college, collect them, even though they are 17 to 19! With a clear bus route. It's their mum who doesn't want them any weekends but of course, she never gets any stick from anyone! (Their mum only works part time, has a car, but refuses to take them/collect them anytime ).

What is the point?!

They sound spoilt, and your DH sounds spineless. You have gone above and beyond and yes, they should be bloody well grateful.

For what it is worth, I have no stepkids, but I have three stepmothers. Two were fucking horrible. One was really nice, and I still love and appreciate all she did. Which was much, much, much less than you have done. I would have been blown away by a SM who behaved as you have done. If only, really.

They have no idea of their own luck.

I can understand you would "invite" kids of that age because many would not want to holiday with parents or step-parents. I am the major earner and pay for all our holidays. I invite my grown up DSC on some of them but others are just with our son. They also had holidays with their mum so did not miss out but when they were younger there was sometimes a bit of jealousy directed at our DS. I think this,was really because he lived with their dad full time and I could understand that. Now they are older they get on great. OP you sound like you are doing a good job.

pictish sleep - I think they feel that it is OK to be rude or ignoring. Two of the DSCs were so bad when I first moved in that even their Mum (who is quite difficult and rude too) agreed - as they were being AWFUL to her new boyfriend - who I've met and he is the nicest bloke ever! So Ex and DP pulled kids up. Worked for a bit.

But now EX is resentful of me - why? Who knows! I've only looked after her kids for the last 10 years. And so is fuelling the kids too - who are probably being off with me for a million reasons - probably not to do with me personally but it still is too much.

sandgrown - thanks - if only someone else would see this! DP does... sometimes... but then gets his kids acting out... :-(
I also have a step mum, who sees me only as a distant relation and isn't nice at all. For example my step mum has never remembered a single birthday of mine - yet I remembered every one of hers and sent her flowers for years. I do something on every one of my DSCs birthdays - even the ones who are being a bitch to me! I just think that unless I am content with being the background and not 'making a fuss' - having no opinions and letting DP being treated like a mug - that I am made to feel really unwelcome by them.

Believe me - no EX wants to hear that the new step is horrible.

Whilst there may be an element of exaggeration from the children, there is also often an underlying element of truth, sometimes v big element of truth.

It means your children are being subjected to usually emotional or verbal abuse by an adult - it is gut wrenching, to know you can do nothing to protect them.

Perhaps your DP needs to grow a pair, I sense we are not getting the whole story here.

Yes where is your DP in all this? Why were you taking his children on holiday when he wasn't coming? Why isn't he arranging a holiday for them? Why hasn't he arranged more conducive access? Normally every other weekend would be a starting point. What is he doing about his children's behaviour?

"when he is practically at breaking point trying to fit a stressful job into a now shorter day." Welcome to the world of working parents. Not sure why he is a special in this particular area?

Bigfeet er... are you saying I'm emotionally and / verbally abusive?!

scallopsrgreat - DP is pretty exhausted and finding it hard to get a balance - he takes on everyones needs. He's not a bad man, and I can see it from his point of view. Doesn't mean that I can cope with it though.

I took each DSC for weekends away with me - low cost - on their own as I really wanted to get to know them/do some fun things. DP would look after all the other kids when I did that - I tried to encourage him to do the same and he did 'day trips' with each.

We haven't had a holiday as a family in a few years because money is really tight.

DP tried to organise more conducive access - EX was not happy - particularly with eldest DSC who at the point had NO overnight stays at all with her mother for almost a year - her mother sent her to us because she couldn't cope with her.

Ok but your DP is still being incredibly passive in all this. How do you think his eldest child feels being passed from pillar to post because her parents can't cope with her?

scallopsrgreat - DP feels guilty and basically wants to do everything he can for his kids. I understand. But it does mean he doesn't ever step back and leaves me out in the cold.

I think eldest DSC was totally rejected by her mum, and I tried to make up for that - but of course she didn't want that which is understandable - she wanted her mum to be her mum - not her step mum!

sounds like the eldest dsc is playing both ends against the middle. Her mum sends her to live with you because of her behaviour. She has you as her servant and pointedly ignores you. She clings to her father and keeps you away from him. when you try to talk to her about her shunning you , she slags you off and goes to her MUM to complain about you and and also cooks up to her dad that you make her feel unwelcome-and he says it to you too? Are you going to continue cooking and cleaning and running the free hotel she is living in + organising holidays for her to cling to her dad and keep you separate ? WOW! How dare she? YKW- she will probably end up as a step mum too and get the same treatment. Not that that makes your sit any better. How much longer are you going to put up with it? Your P is using you.He is not making sure that he treats you right far less his cc.

OUCH! Things must be at breaking point for you. You'd have to be a robot to not feel pain in your situation.

Step daughters are harder than step sons, I think. Do you think so too?

Step children feel a need to distance themselves from the step parent as acceptance feels disloyal to them. Especially if their birth mother wants to snub the step parent too. But sometimes they soften. Maybe it's harder that they are with you less than the mum.

You need some tlc where your needs are met (by your husband).

I know a (second) wife who's husband tells her she is awesome, the kindest, most caring, the most beautiful woman in the room, when they are at events which include her young adult step children and his ex wife. And all those things are true. He understands she feels insecure, isolated, slightly hated, disapproved of, judged and found lacking, at these social occasions when she is damned for being there and would be vilified for not attending. So husband reassures her. He knows what his wife needs to hear, to feel supported and strong.

I hope you can calmly express how it is for you, to these hurtful adolescents and their parents. Might it help if the ex wife knew you would consider leaving, and if she was choosing to undermine you then it won't be helpful to you continuing being supportive. Could you get husband to tell her that she might not get as much help with the children of you weren't as supportive as you have been?

amarmai - There do seem to be a lot of dynamics, half of them I don't reallly get - as no one speaks to me plainly. I have to say, at least one of DSC is not like this with me - they have always been fair and there are no problems there. But this DSC is the one out a lot, sorting out own life and not clinging to DP so they keep outside of whatever is going on!

As an M to 2 step children I send for you OP

Don'tMind Yes I think step daughters find a step mum a more threatening figure - replacing their role with their Dad - DSC being a 'parent' / or clinging to DPs side, literally leaning against him most of the holiday is an example - role clash!

I wish I had that DP of your friend!

It's not a bad idea to let EX/DSC know that this is serious - ignoring/spreading ill feeling without good cause does have consequences. I'm a bit afraid that my goodwill has soured - I no longer want to give and I wonder if I can really forge a family that works anymore of it is all just a bit late.

I've already written a long email to DP just saying how tough I've found the whole experience - tried to make this non blaming. He replied that this sounded like a very sad and unfair situation for me to be in. But no practical change as yet!

castle thanks...

Scallop the reason this case is special with regards to a working parent having to do condensed hours to pick up drop off and generally run around after dcs is because the dcs in this case are actually young adults who should be capable of getting themselves to school and back without putting on daddy. Of course that will have a knock on effect on the rest of the family.
Op I think you will have to detatch and admit defeat as you call it, the situation as it is is hardly a roaring success anyway.

I'm really confused here. You say in your first post that you've shared your life with your step-children for 10 years, moved into their home.

10 years together and you're inviting your step-children to your family on a holiday and they should be grateful? Sorry but can't get this at all. Surely, that's visiting family, end of?

You say that you paid for everything, but after 10 years, wouldn't be paying for travel to see family part of what would be considered joint finances? And what were these additional costs that you paid for that you wouldn't have paid if you'd stayed home?

swing of things I tried to make it a special holiday to bring everyone together in something positive - as we could stay with relations I made it a couple of days with my family - and then booked a whole load of other things - lots of days out with just me, DP and kids - asked DSCs what they wanted to do - and then included all their suggestions. Paid for day trips and travel from an unexpected money that came my way (long story). I'm not sure if that makes it any clearer. It is all a little complicate for sure.

I would love for DSC to have felt part of my family enough to just come and visit my relations, but they wouldn't have gone for that - tried!

I suppose it isn't whether or not they were over the moon gratefulfor me taking them away. If that were the only thing that is liveable with. It's the general undercurrent of ill feeling from some (not all) of the DSCs filtering through.. which results in DP feeling guilty enough to start ferrying his adult children twice daily.

"Scallop the reason this case is special with regards to a working parent having to do condensed hours to pick up drop off and generally run around after dcs is because the dcs in this case are actually young adults who should be capable of getting themselves to school and back without putting on daddy." Yep. And whose fault is that? He's making a rod for his own back.

Tbh Ilike, you are between a rock and a hard place. And the only people who can sort this out are the parents. One of whom has no responsibility towards you whatsoever and over whom you have no influence. So if the other parent isn't willing to sort out the situation, backs down, keeps taking the easy path to keep the peace (with everyone but you) what can you actually do about it?

Scallops - that is how I feel, like there is nothing I can do. Talked to DP again - he said that 'being nice is like a bank account - keep doing it and you will get it back' he tells me. Except I don't! But you are right. Nothing I can do.

Oh dear, Ilikemangoes123, your goodwill is not all gone sour. You can keep going if you can hit the reset button and wipe out all your fed up-ness caused by these insensitive teens. You've done ten years already. The next ten WILL be easier and worth striving for.

You've vented your frustration here. At home, you're not listened to.

You have been VERY accomodating.

It is now TIME
Something has to give.
So, for your sanity : Detach. DETACH DETACH !
The teens want Dad...so he and they can work things out between them. Cooking. Days out. Laundry. Etc.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IMPLIED JUDGEMENT FROM EX. NOR HERRUMPF FROM THE TEENS. Now you need to alter things to suit you.

Now you've sent an email to hubby, and his reaction was no - action, tell him you will have to tweak things a bit at weekends just so you can shake off feeling unloved. Because you are loved. It's just all gone a bit disfunctional.

Divorce costs thousands and thousands. Avoid divorce, it's so sad and painful and regrettable. Try to fix home life.

My advice is, if you or hubby have any spare cash, get hold of it for building a runaway fund, which you don't intend using but makes you feel supported in terms of having a back up choice.

Then, also...Throw money at having a part time, independent life style from the DSC and their DF. Coffee shop visits with your two. Family trips. Revisit the family that the DSC sulked over going to. Make Christmas plans or half term plans.

Get some furniture and pictures up in the home. You can choose new bits inexpensively (thinking ebay). A Mum's chair? Things which you like (As stepmum, I like Candles...and so we have candles. To start with I didn't do this type of thing because their previous house didn't have them. Ditto there aren't photos of my family, but I'm putting that right. The step children buy me candles nowadays)

Perhaps the hubby's children would respect you more if you were more determined, less self depricating, and so try 'being true to yourself' and forcing your views more. Being soft and kind, it seems...well, they have walked all over you. Teenagers will do this (even your own) but you are allowed to be empowered as teens decision taker, the adult. It's your home.

I get what you mean, funding his children on trips their D F doesn't organise. I do that too and the DSC don't know it comes out of money I have to play around with, and how I loathe to waste it on unappreciated gifts. You have learned a lesson. Don't fund things that are unappreciated just because in the round, it is good for them. You and their DF aren't a team on this aspect, so the DF can invest in the slog of do gooding. Only give in areas you are super positive about giving willingly. And because you are a good step.mum, this will sometimes be benevolent giving, without expectation of anything in return. I gave stockings to my DSC at Christmas, as always. They know I bought them but pretended I didn't. This year they opened them at same time, same room, but separately, to my DC, and huddled together and didn't share the experience with us. I was hurt, but shrug it off as it was their need. They needed each other and needed to exclude me, steps, and actually DF. I have moved on. I gave willingly. Next year I won't buy for the young adults because they don't need stockings and it wasn't a joyous addition to Christmas. I learned. Their Dad can do them if he wants to.

Crucially, for you, giving must now be on your terms, when you are willing. And you must be more selfish and you might luckily gain some respect. It's not as scary as you think, and things can get better.

By the way, do you own half the home?

10 years is a long time to see no return on your investments. More like a bottomless pit.

Don'tMind - wow your post practically made me cry!

Thanks you and others for taking the time to even just listen to me going on - it's probably the first time I've felt listened to in months.

It has all just crept on me in the last few months - and I think my anger has surfaced!

Some very good advice. I need to take a huge step back - even if it feels like living in two families instead of one. Or moving out. I don't own half the home. My DP will not put me mortgage even though I contributed financially until I had to stop work due to our child. I think he is wary of giving away too much as he did with his first wife. I will just do as much for me and my own kids etc for a short time and regain, hopefully, a bit of myself in the process!

after 10 years of contributing in every way possible your p still ahs not put you on the mortgage. He is going to leave the house you are maintaining for them to HIS cc. This is a huge revelation . Are you computing that this means that you are also contributing not just on a daily basis but in the future after you are both gone, to his children getting a step up in life at the expense of yours ? Can you live with that?

OP; the mortgage issue is a FAR greater concern that what is happening with the DSC. Please seek legal help ASAP. Sorry but from what you have said your husband wants a live in helper (that he doesn't want to pay)