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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

am i wrong?

58 replies

WSM123 · 13/09/2015 23:43

My partner and I Have his two boys every second weekend, we have an agreed time that they can come in to wake us up of 7.30, they can play in their room until then and have a coloured clock (green to go, orange to play and red to stay in bed) so its easy. Every morning the 6 year old makes up a reason to come in early and if I tell him to go back to his room until its on green my partner says im a nasty bitch and mean to the kids etc. My point is why have the clock if he doesn't enforce the rules?

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riverboat1 · 14/09/2015 00:12

Well he shouldn't be calling you a nasty bitch, that's for sure. You shouldn't be standing for that.

I think he should quietly and swiftly get up and deal with his child if he's coming in early. Fine if he feels he can't be told to go back to bed, in that case he needs to follow through and do something more productive than calling you names.

DSS used to do this for ages, I think it's probably very normal but that doesn't mean it's mean to try to encourage sticking to the rules as long as you are not actually saying it in a nasty way. Luckily for me DP was very firm about not waking us up until after the designated time. I really do think it needs to come from the parent.

The thing that cracked it was leaving out a tablet with cartoons on that he could watch in the morning in his bed with headphones. He didn't like the idea of going downstairs all alone and watching TV, but the tablet was a novel and very effective solution.

Bellebella · 14/09/2015 00:26

Certainly should not be calling you a nasty bitch, was this in front of the kids?

To be honest though if they do get up early does it have to effect you? Tell your oh to deal with his children and you easily go back to sleep. If he does not mind them getting up early then let them crack on. As long as you are sleeping in.

Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 00:30

Thanx, there is heaps he can do quietly in his room, books, toys etc, and his father does tell him to go back to his room and he argues every time, by then we are awake so makes the whole think pointless. His Dad seems to think that giving him 3 warnings between the "but daaaaaad" counts as reinforcing the rule and still even gives him a sticker on the sticker chart because he eventually goes back to bed.
I think that should be a big cross on the chart

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SurlyCue · 14/09/2015 00:34

What is it he is actually wanting from being in your room? Does he want to get in the bed or does he want his dad to get up and get him breakfast, get him dressed etc?

Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 00:48

Thanx Bellabella, no it wasnt in front of the kids, He wants them the be able to jump in the bed and climb all over us etc. I tried sleeping in the other room on the weekends we have them but they would come and find me or run around the house yelling etc. That's why we made the clock and chose an agreed time. Ironically the 3 1/2 year old stays in the room playing happily. Now he thinks I am nasty and shouldn't be around them at all. I am basically a maid for them all weekend, cooking, washing, laundry etc that he conveniently "forgets" and never discipline them because he wont allow it, which I could deal with if he didn't ignore the bad behaviour (compensating for time he doesn't get with them)

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Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 00:53

Hi curly sue, he comes up with great reasons, he just wants to get up, the other day the clock was broken, another time the other son was supposedly being annoying (he was still asleep) I get up and make their breakfast eventually but I will not do it at 6am. He can dress himself etc hes 6. there is no reason he cant sit in bed reading or playing with toys in the room

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SurlyCue · 14/09/2015 00:56

I am basically a maid for them all weekend, cooking, washing, laundry etc that he conveniently "forgets"

Why? Why do you do it? You have a choice. Stop doing it.

The dad needs to get up with them. Some children just naturally wake early and sitting in their room quietly is just not going to satisfy them. He needs to get up and bring them downstairs/to the kitchen/sitting room, feed them, and engage them in something, a book or lego or tv. He is only seeing them once a fortnight, its not much to ask him to give up his lie-in to see to his own children.

Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 01:13

He should but he wants a sleep in too, and thinks I should also want them the jump into bed with us etc (which they can at 7.30 but not before) and im the "princess" for wanting to sleep and not wanting them to jump in bed etc at 6am.

And yes I have thought of not doing it but they wouldn't be fed, they would have muddy clothes, etc all over the furniture and carpet (rental so cant be trashed) and if I don't do the washing it stays in the basket.
I work 7.30-5.30 4 days and 7.30- 12 the other day (grocery day) so I need to get housework done on the weekend and I need a bit of a sleep in

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SurlyCue · 14/09/2015 01:19

I have thought of not doing it but they wouldn't be fed, they would have muddy clothes, etc all over the furniture and carpet (rental so cant be trashed) and if I don't do the washing it stays in the basket.

Are you seriously telling me that you voluntarily, of your own free will choose to be with a man who wouldnt feed his children the one day a fortnight that he sees them? Really? And you are happy with that? Do you plan to procreate with this waste of air?

SurlyCue · 14/09/2015 01:20

I mean raise your fucking standards.

I dont understand why so many women set the bar so fucking low.

Todayisnottheday · 14/09/2015 01:27

SurlyCue is right. To the point but definitely correct. This is your future. Imagine when they are 15 and have years of you not being able to say anything about the behaviour and of expecting you to skivy. Not to mention seeing how dad treats you. All that before you even introduce the idea of your own dc.

Honestly, I'd be seeing red flags here if I were you.

Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 01:35

He would feed his kids, but it would prob be chicken and chips (home made) he is a good dad he its just a terrible part time dad, want so see them more than he does but his nasty ex wont let him, she convinces him they will hate him when they grow up because he is from a separated family so he over compensates buy being too soft. (no im not defending his treatment of me)
I get your point though, I guess there is some serious thinking to happen.
And NO WAY am I having kids, I never wanted kids and that is why he thinks im just a horrible person. Because I never wanted kids im just nasty to children in his mind.

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SurlyCue · 14/09/2015 01:43

He would feed his kids, but it would prob be chicken and chips

So? Its once a fortnight. Its fine. They'll wolf it down.

he is a good dad he its just a terrible part time dad

and youre helping him be a better dad by doing it all for him? Catch yourself on. And if you wont catch yourself on then you dont get to whinge about doing everything for them. You do it out of choice. No-one forces you.

he thinks im just a horrible person

why would you be with someone who thinks this about you? When you were growing up did you dream about being with a man who thought your were a horrible personand calls you a nasty bitch? Is that what you wanted for yourself?

And someone who would let their DC be cared for by someone they think is a horrible nasty bitch who is mean to his kids? Dont you want to be with someone who thinks more of their children?

AvaCrowder · 14/09/2015 02:02

I agree completely with SurlyCue

But as far as practical advice goes, I would say pretend to be asleep. Then he has to deal with his ds. Then maybe leave the man who calls you a nasty bitch.

Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 02:03

ok thanks

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Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 02:08

Tried the pretend to be asleep thing, then I'm too mean to even say good morning (he knows I can sleep through being climbed on)
I guess its time to become a cat lady

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Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 02:11

Cant (oops wish it was can)

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Todayisnottheday · 14/09/2015 02:23

All the rest aside the treatment of you is pretty abhorrent. Perhaps he treats you like a queen the rest of the week but the things he says about you around children (and your decision not to have any does not make you a child hater) are, frankly, disgusting.

I have dc, lots, but I don't like children much. My own are fabulous but other people's... meh. I couldn't be a step parent - even with someone who was prepared to allow me a parenting role (which you aren't). The fact that you have taken on a step parent role despite not wanting to be a parent should command massive respect from him. Every time you have his children in your life you are showing him just how important he is to you. What does he do to show you how important you are?

anklebitersmum · 14/09/2015 02:32

I don't understand. He's desperate to see his children more often but once a fortnight he finds it impossible to drag his carcass out of bed to deal with his children in the not so early am?

Wow.

I'd be applying a swift elbow to sleeping beauty and suggesting that if he wants adult company whilst he organises his children that the kettle had better result in a large brew heading my way at speed preferably with a winning smile and biccies

In all honesty his attitude has to change across the board I'd say-his children, his responsibility, not yours. I do understand the 'scared parenting' phenomena but he has to 'man up'. His children won't thank him for being a pushover long term and you should not have to put up with insults regardless.

In short he needs a up his behind!

Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 02:38

he is pretty awesome most of the time, in fact one weekend he even thanked me (all be it for being nice for a change) when I had done nothing different but the kids had actually stayed in their room until the clock was on the green section.
That's the hardest part, I do the same thing every weekend and one day he thinks I'm nice and the next he thinks i'm nasty and I cant for the life of me figure out what I have done differently/wrong.

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Todayisnottheday · 14/09/2015 02:42

He said "thank you for being nice for a change" really? And you hold that as a good memory? Honestly, you are setting the bar too low for yourself.

What would happen if you raised this with him outside of the children time? Would he listen to and hear your concerns or would he use it as another forum to belittle you?

Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 02:43

Anklebiters, yes he does want the morning time with them however he expects me to want them climbing all over me too so he can have his cake and eat it too. he wants them to jump in on around the bed with us. I tried the me sleeping in the other room so he can but they would hunt me out.
His main issue (which makes me nasty and mean) is that I don't want to be jumped on at 6.30 am

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AvaCrowder · 14/09/2015 02:45

WSM you have not tried the pretend to be asleep unless you are, I think, in America.

He's horrid to you. Are you OK with that? I would not be. And you don't even sound like a wicked step mum, you sound like a normal person. What do your friends think about him? I like the sound of you but I think that you should ditch his sorry arse.

SurlyCue · 14/09/2015 02:46

Hes awesome because one time, he thanked you? Because he was in a good mood. Honey, would you do me a favour and read your posts back as if it was a friend of yours writing them. What would you say to her? Would you think she was getting a fair deal? Would you tell her she'd found a great guy?

Original poster

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 02:49

Todayisnottheday
At the time I said I wasn't any different to usual and he somehow thought I was, then this weekend he said I was back to being nasty, I spent most of Saturday hanging out with the younger one so he could have time doing older stuff with the older one, and both of them were normal with me (not grumpy or sulky or anything to make it seem like they thought I was mean to them). I really don't know what I have done that's so terrible other than expect them to stick to the set rule of playing in their room until 7.30

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