STEPMONSTER.... YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK!!

[howtodowills]

I've been in DPs kids lives for almost 2 years and have just read the first half of this book... wow!

It's so insightful and brilliant to read and know i am not alone. Once I have finished DP will read it too. Full of helpful advice and commentary! Wish I'd read it a year ago!!

Yes I read this recently - I found the last bit a little waffly. But the first bit was great if you are a struggling step mum - it says things that are spoken on these boards but not generally acknowledged. Like it is really tough and the Step Mum role is very tough - that everyone elses needs are 'OK' but not yours - and that the least successful partnership is one with teenage girls and a permissive, guilty Dad who won't work with the step mum. She says put the marriage first as without that stability there is no hope for overall happiness for everyone.

This is one of my favourite books - despite not being a stepmum anymore!

It's not a handbook or self help book as such - it is more a summary and narrative of the psychology of stepmothering, and an analysis of the scientific studies that validate many of the experiences that stepmothers share.

Wednesday Martin's description of how the media portrays stepparents, along with evidence of how the language and tone of the medias attitude towards stepmothers influences society, is very inciteful.

It includes details of studies that have been carried out on isolated tribes with no western influence, and corrolates the experience of "stepmothers" in those environments with western stepmothers.

All in all, it is an incredibly interesting read, and one which I often refer to when reading the MN step-board, if only to remind myself that the attitudes and assumptions being made here are validated by the descriptions, explainations and evidence in the book.

It covers a lot of the "situations" which a lot of stepmums must find themselves in and gives useful pointers on how to handle them. Overall is re-asserts the belief which some have (although not all) that the stepmums feelings count too! and that the relationship should be at the heart of everything. It's helped me realise i should work on me and DP and my own DS and not make everything about his DDs.
It is a really great read. Also makes me feel "heard" and that because it's in a book and not just my feelings i can make DP listen more. I don't have any stepmum friends so it is a little isolating.

I was thinking that too 3cheeky!!

I would really recommend it for partners too.. Mine is good in that he isn't too Disney but we have both been guilty of putting one of his DDs needs above all of ours and letting our relationship come second because she's been so tricky.

southamerican just seen you are not a stepmum anymore.... Mind me asking what happened? Was it kid issues?

In a way, wills - DHs DCs decided a few years ago that they didn't want a stepmum, so I'm no longer part of their life.
I have some fond memories of holidays and fun times, and more traumatic memories of allegations and drama. But it's not my call and as far as I know, they are both healthy and happy.

I stick around this board as my DD has a stepmum - it's useful to be reminded of stepmums perspective on life now and again!

I am soooo NOT surprised that the least successful partnerships, are those with teenage girls and permissive guilty dads....they should add grown up daughters to that list!

South, if you don't mind me asking as well, how do you manage that? Presumably DH still sees his DC, so does he go to them/take them out, or do they come to your house whilst you're not there?

DHs ex went to court to prevent contact and Because of the DCs age, the court placed contact in the DCs hands so DH sees his DS as and when his DS wants to. Usually it's an afternoon out, but I think they have come home here sometimes when I'm not here and DH takes DS to classes sometimes, too. I don't really know to be honest - I'm no longer a part of that aspect of his life, which I'm afraid to say is welcome when compared to the stress I experienced prior to this.

DHs DD is an adult and afaik she has moved away.

I've not had any contact with either of them for over 2 years.

We have, of course, talked about what would happen if his DCs decided they wanted to rejoin our family. They are, after all, his DCs, so would always come first in his life.