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Step-parenting

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Original poster

A nice piece of Disneying

19 replies

HormonalHeap · 21/07/2015 15:18

I've seen it all now... Dsd 16 has been staying with us for a couple of weeks and is now going home by inter-city rail to her dm. She is making dh leave an important meeting early just so that he can carry her bag for her (only a small wheelie) on the underground to reach the station. It's a straight line to the main station, with no change. WTF?!!!

Thanks for letting me get that out- feel better already!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HarrietSchulenberg · 21/07/2015 15:23

Perhaps she just wants a final minute or two with her dad?

Theoldcauliflower · 21/07/2015 15:29

If there not going to see each other for a while I can't see the problem really, it's quite nice in fact I know my Dad would do it for me.

TheMushroom · 21/07/2015 15:34

Learned helplessness is not something I'd want to reinforce in my daughter.

At 16 she can wheel a cabin bag onto a direct tube journey.

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 21/07/2015 15:37

No Harriet, she doesn't want a final minute with her dad. Her first choice was for her dad to order a cab for her which would be a ridiculous expense due to the distance and it being rush hour.

I'm going to be v amused next year when all her friends are going inter-railing through Europe. Who's going to carry then?

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/07/2015 15:38

This doesnt sound like Disneying. More "princessing". More fool DH.

PeruvianFoodLover · 21/07/2015 15:56

It must slowly chip away at your respect for him, OP - and I can't imagine his colleagues are too thrilled, either!

hampsterdam · 21/07/2015 16:01

How did she make him exactly?

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 21/07/2015 17:00

She just nagged and pulled a pouty face- Didn't even have to resort to threaten not to come any more.

Perhaps it is princessing not disneying as dh seems to be pre-disposed to it with all the women in his family, myself included. But I have a dd the same age and would just laugh at her in this case!

OP posts:

Kkaty · 21/07/2015 18:49

I find that kind of thing all a little uncomfortable! I mean, would they do that with a son? Is that how his daughter will act with men in the future? Bit ikky!

DontMindTheStep · 27/07/2015 17:04

There arent only Princesses. My 3 step sons want this sort of help and reassurance from dad. Money, bookings or Dad going out of his way for them. I call them Princes or Emporors. They can still get DH to do things despite being older. They are 1 post grad, 1 undergrad and one 16 and DH will drop friends whilst out or entertaining at home, work meetings, me (at dinner, or with plans to go out), or anyone, in order to see to their needs. He comes home afterwards in a buoyed mood. DH was needed by the boys! He doesn't care so much about the snub he gives to others. DH wants to lay red carpet for his sons. So they ask for it to lain for them.
It puts a wedge between us when he opts to drop me, but I forgive him. I can't change DH.
So what, I say. Your DH is a bit pathetic. But his father/daughter relationship is his to manage. Good on you ranting here! Smile sweetly at the teen and comment that she has a very lovely dad and you hope she has a safe journey.

swingofthings · 27/07/2015 17:08

Daddies love to feel needed and treat their special girl. Wouldn't you feel special too if he did that for you? Sometimes it is nice to treat someone. In the end, it was his choice, he didn't have to do it.

Why not laugh about it?

Wdigin2this · 28/07/2015 20:45

The reason Hormonal needed to rant about this, is because it's yet another example of how her DSD can control her father! And yes Peruvian, this kind of expectation of entitlement does indeed chip away at your respect for your husband/partner! You watch him saying yes to outrageous demands - because he cannot bring himself to do the right thing and say no....and you think, what kind of wimp am I married to! It's even more frustrating when every other aspect of your relationship is great!!!

cappy123 · 03/08/2015 02:50

She'll hopefully grow out of it, especially when boys are on the scene. My DSD's parents are way too protective, by their own and DSD's own admission. I read somewhere that when parents are ever present with their kids, and doing everything for them - deep down the kids actually experience that as absence, emotional absence I guess. And there's definitely some princessing / saviour stuff that goes on when DSD and DH are together - we all live together. But I've started having some really interesting deep conversations with DSD, who's 15. She's started telling me how frustrated she gets when her dad's too easy going and not firm. She gave me permission to be firm with her and I said dad and I will work on that. Is there any chance of you agreeing similar with your DSD? Can you build rapport so that you can say "do you want me to tell you if you're being unreasonable?"

As a step parent you do get a lot of nice 'firsts'. I was the first she turned too re: earring advice when she got pierced, saw her open her first bra, taught her how to shave her legs etc. The latest first was putting her on a train by herself. I'd arranged work experience for her at a theatre near my work so she was travelling in with me on a 10 min and 4 stops train journey. I had reminded her on the eve of the 3rd day that I was coming to the station, but going in the opposite direction for a meeting. Did she remember the next day? No. And I'm sooo glad she forgot because her parents would have dropped everything to take her in by car. Imagine my joy when I waved her off with the other commuters on the train. No time for her "What if people are looking at me? I'm scared. What if I get off at the wrong stop? Will you come to the door with me?" etc. I just said call me when you get off. She was fine.

Just two weeks later my DH and I had dinner in that town whilst she went back to the theatre for an audition. As we parked up it was so refreshing that DSD jumped out and walked across town to the theatre by herself with a "see you later guys". I was expecting "Will you come with me? Will you wait with me?" It was also so refreshing seeing DH relax and not cut our meal short to meet her afterwards; she simply strolled back and joined us after.

It's not easy when you witness princessing / rescuing (I have to work on my own rescuing my DH too!). But I do warn DH not to infantilise lovely DSD, whilst reminding him she'll always need him but in an age appropriate way, so he shouldn't just back off towards the other extreme either. Have you and DH spoken about it that way?

Thinking of you.

Wdigin2this · 04/08/2015 00:17

Cappy, that word 'infantilise' is brilliant! It exactly describes how my DH treats one of his grown DC who has learning difficulties! I've tried to explain that he is holding DC back...and this has been confirmed by proffesionals, but he cannot help himself 'babying' his DC, I don't know what the answer is tbh!!!

pinkbraces · 04/08/2015 11:12

Seriously, this is such a non issue. So what? If your DH cant, or doesnt want to say no, surely that's his problem, why such a downer on your DSD.

My DH has been known to drive an hour each way to take my DD (his DSD) something she has forgotten when going back to uni, I said no. He does the same for his DD and DS. Its not disney its just his personality. He is far to lovely.

Save your rant for something of worth.

howtorebuild · 04/08/2015 11:15

I don't understand how anyone could get so worked up by the scenario in the op.

Quesera21 · 04/08/2015 11:31

well done pink braces and howto rebuild.

This is not disney, nothing to do with step children, this is normal family dynamics - I am 40yrs old and can still wind my father round my little finger. Recent example, was at my parents house with the DCs, realised I had forgotten to bring a certain specific type of food for one of the DCs. My Dad, gets in his car, drives in rush hour traffic to go and buy said item, (15 miles away) and returns also with something he knows I like. That was not disney.It was sweet.
My brothers could do the same with my mother.

Bigger fish to fry and this is so irrelevant.

PeruvianFoodLover · 04/08/2015 15:58

If you had a colleague who walked out of a business meeting unexpectedly, in order to give his teenage daughter a lift, would you think it "lovely" or "irrelevant"?

If one of my staff, a colleague or even my boss did this, it would have an impact on the way they were treated at work - considered uncommitted, overlooked for promotions, subject of banter and mocking.

Making prior arrangements, or having flexible working hours, is one thing - walking out of work at the whim of a teen daughter is quite another. I think the OP is quite right to be scathing of her DP - it's not the behaviour of a rational, competent adult.

You can only wonder if the OPs DP would be as willing to "walk out" of a business meeting to meet the OP for a coffee when she fancied it, or whether he'd prioritise work during his working hours.

Wdigin2this · 04/08/2015 17:42

As the SM of one DSC who can and does 'wind father around the little finger' I can tell you, there are times I despair! In the past I've been left sitting alone in a restaurant because said DSC 'needed daddy' ! The last time it happened (admittedly many years ago) DP at the time left his credit card 'just in case'! After an hour, I paid the bill, walked into a nearby hotel and booked a room for myselfm on his card....he hasn't done it since!

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