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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Bottom of the pile

55 replies

wheresthelight · 07/07/2015 19:01

Don't get me wrong I expect dp's older kids to come first in his priorities and actively encourage it, but why do I have to play second fiddle to absolutely everything and everyone in his life?

I do more caring for his older kids than either of their parents and get no thanks and yet when I ask for sow thing to alter I get told I hate them and am putting him in the middle.

All I have said is that I am not running them around to some trip on Saturday because we told her it wasn't possible before she booked it and it means that although they are here for the weekend they won't actually see their dad so I really don't see the point in them coming of that is the case. Is that so wrong? I am forever reading on here that mum should get priority of sad can't do the care so why do I feel like a bitch for saying no?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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hampsterdam · 07/07/2015 20:25

Why can't he run them around?

Original poster

wheresthelight · 07/07/2015 20:28

He will be at work

OP posts:

hampsterdam · 07/07/2015 20:30

How often is dp at work when kids are over? Who said you were a bitch?

hampsterdam · 07/07/2015 20:33

Sorry just realised nobody called you a bitch but you feel like one. If you told them the activity wasn't possible it's not unresonable for that still to be the case.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 07/07/2015 20:36

Stuff like this happens here all the time I'm absolutely taken for granted. I want to scream.

And I know me and dp will tal. About it we will make changes then 2 weeks later it's all forgotten. Nightmare. No advice just sympathy. xx

BlueBlueSea · 07/07/2015 20:36

It is not on, if you said that you would not be able to take them and it was booked anyway. Then not your place to have to sort it out.

I know how you feel, and it is not fair.

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 20:41

What's the point in the dad having contact if he's going to be at work? How is contact arranged in that way?

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 20:42

What I mean is, if you weren't there, what would contact look like?

DoTheDuckFace · 07/07/2015 20:45

It's shit when it is just assumed that you will do X without even being consulted but to be asked and then they book it anyway when you say no is even worse!

Original poster

wheresthelight · 07/07/2015 20:45

He works a rotating shift pattern so he works about 50% of the time the kids are here. It used to be that we only had them when he was off by this ex through a wobbler at mediation and demand eow which has since gone up to that plus one night a week and more when it suits her.

The activity is on a town 10 miles away, starts at a time dd has her nap and means that dp won't see the kids all weekend as he works nights so will be in bed till 2 on Saturday afternoon and will have left for work before the kids get home which is why we said no. It's not anything that they can't miss if you see what I mean.

She has booked it regardless so my argument is she should take them and pick them up. Which dp agrees with but then my point is also what is the point in them coming at all as she won't allow us to pick them up before 6 on Friday which means dp will have already gone to work and he then won't see then tol Sunday lunchtime if they go so no point in them coming as they aren't here to see me!

OP posts:

hampsterdam · 07/07/2015 20:50

The contact needs rearranging. What is the point If dad's not even there? Does mum work?

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 20:54

Get him to meet up with her with his rota and work things out for the next few months. You're not an unpaid babysitter!

Original poster

wheresthelight · 07/07/2015 21:25

She is fully aware of his shifts imperial! He did the same job and same shifts when they were together. She used it as the reason she had an affair.

It works out that he does 3 weekends at work then 3 off so we used to have them the weekends he was off plus nights in the week but she said it wasn't fair on her and she was doing bulk of the care. So she wanted eow and then had a fit that it meant I would be looking after them. By the mediation lady pointed out she couldn't have it both ways either I looked after them or the arrangements stayed the same. She opted for eow and me looking after them which most of the time I don't mind because dp takes over for a few hours in the afternoon and I get a break but when she then plans stuff knowing we have said no and why we have said no it beggars belief.

She works 3 days a week and always week days but her dp is the rp for his kids and they go to their mums the weekends that the dscs come here and he won't have them In The house when his kids aren't there.

I don't mind having them but they aren't here to see me so if they are going to miss the time with their dad because she has booked it in anyway I don't see the point in them coming this weekend at all

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 22:14

He won't have them in the house when his kids aren't there? Now that sounds like a healthy relationship!

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 22:14

I know this sounds tough but if her husband and she are playing hard ball, so should you.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 07/07/2015 22:32

Imperial I know all second partners say the first one is crazy but in this instance is is genuinely true. The whole set up is mental and totally unhealthy for the kids God bless them. Unfortunately not batshit enough to win a custody case against her

OP posts:

Quesera21 · 07/07/2015 23:38

Ignoring this issue aside - which I agree with you on, she is wrong.

Why should she arrange her life around his work pattern. I have this because of the shift work my EX does - it is used as a control mechanism to continue controlling my life and it sucks. I agree she can not have it both ways - but believe me it is controlling when you have to plan your life around your EX and his partner. For example, I have known since January that my EX has next week off work, has he told me until today - no. He is now demanding that I bring the DCS to him for the weekend lovely motorway drive on a Friday afternoon at 1600 ( not earlier) that last time took me 2 hrs there and 3.5 back and no I was not allowed to have a pee! Having saud that 3 days notice is good because usually it is 1400 and he is picking them up from school today - OK!!

K888 · 08/07/2015 02:37

wheresthelight - I sympathise greatly, I too feel like I am the one caught in the middle of arrangements with the parents. Like you said, it is a world of difference if you are appreciated and included, but not if you are just an unpaid babysitter.

But you do say that you agreed to look after DSC? Maybe you need to play it tougher and set some of your conditions for agreeing to this to both your DP and the Ex. She should have no say at all about what happens on the agreed time with DP - why do you need to take them on this trip at all? It isn't convenient for you and at that point you are the carer and it is your call.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 08/07/2015 08:31

Quesera no one is expecting her to or even asking her to. In fact it is the complete opposite of what you are saying.

K888 I have no objection to looking after the kids, what I object to is saying no to running them all over because it means they won't see their dad at all and her going ahead and booking it anyway and telling me I will be running them about. I have point blank refused and have left it with dp to sort. I won't be taking them and I agree she should not be dictating what happens in contact time with their dad just as we wouldn't dream of dictating to her what she does with them when they are with her!

OP posts:

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 08/07/2015 08:45

Are you taking them there and then bringing them back? Or is she dropping them there and you collecting, if it's the former then simply don't do it? If it's the latter tell her she will have to bring them to you.

Or better still, re arrange the contact rota to when dad can actually see them, let her have a hissy fit and stop contact (I think she's threatened that before) they'll soon be back as, from reading all your other posts she wants her free time (and rightly so).

This situation has been like this for a while OP but it won't change unless you make it

hesterton · 08/07/2015 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 08/07/2015 08:53

It sounds like she was told it wasn't possible but mum just booked it anyway

Original poster

wheresthelight · 08/07/2015 21:39

Hesterton I totally agree! She is entitled to her free time and a fair balance of the shared care which is why I agreed to being their carer on the weekends dp is working but ultimately what is fair and right for her is not necessarily fair and right for the kids. They are best seeing their dad for the piss poor amount of time that she grants him ( he went asking for 50/50 and she refused) but as she has seen fit to ignore their discussion re this event then I don't see the point in them coming as they won't see him at all tol Sunday lunchtime

Fluffy - she is expecting me to do ALL the running about so 40 miles by the time I have been there and back twice plus petrol and parking which is a min of £3 each time. I don't see why I should!

Dp has tried to call her a couple of times this week and she is refusing to answer so he has text her and she has ignored that too. It's quite simple if she doesn't answer, they simply won't be going!
I have plans on Saturday and as dp works nights I frequently plan trips out to local parks or events and there is a help the heroes event in one of the local country parks on Saturday which I had planned to take them to til dp was up which I will be going to and conveniently forget the time if needs be!

OP posts:

K888 · 09/07/2015 00:54

wheresthelight - good for you for putting your foot down. And also I hope that your DP does appreciate you looking after the kids - you didn't have to and I understand it is because you want to support him.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 09/07/2015 02:24

K888 mostly he does. He occasionally forgets but a swift kick in the nuts (metaphorically speaking obviously) reminds him!

We have our issues with the kids like all families do but most of the time they are great kids. Dss is turning into a mouthy gobshite but part of that is his age and part is the fact that his mother treats him like he shits gold and allows him to do whatever he chooses ie play computer games 24/7. Now that is her choice and in her home she can do what she likes but they are banned here and he doesn't like it. He also gets pulled up on his attitude and behaviour which he also doesn't like so there are strops etc. he speaks to me like shot and occasionally refuses to speak or acknowledge me at all which I have to admit drives me nuts and usually results in a huge row because I will not stand for being disrespected. But again she views it as me being a bitch because I dare to tell her poor little baby off. Mind she is the same when the school complain about his behaviour so that pretty much tells you everything you need to know!

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