Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Am I wrong for saying my partner can't have his son for a whole week in summer holidays when I'm due to give birth by csection at very beginning of summer holiday?

114 replies

Paige2354 · 26/06/2015 14:10

Basically I want to know if I am being selfish in saying that my partner can't have his son for a whole week during the summer holidays after im due to give birth to his daughter by c section right at the beginning of the summer holidays. I've said its ok to keep to the arrangement of having him every other weekend at this time but I've never had a c section before I don't know what its going to be like and how il be. I also don't know how my baby will be with sleep etc and we live in a tiny flat with hardly enough room to swing a cat. Am I being out of order?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 26/06/2015 19:03

Your DP is going to have to take time off, or get someone to cover for at least the week DSS is there.

How old are your older kids?

Oh, and OP has her DSS every other weekend, it's 3 kids in a two bed most of the time and possibly hers go to their dad sometimes.

Damnautocorrect · 26/06/2015 19:03

I had a c section and a dp that couldn't take any time off either. I'm not going to lie it was really hard, chuck in a 4 year old to the mix. No he needs the time off. Poor kid stuck in the middle.

lampshady · 26/06/2015 19:30

It's not patronising, it's stating the reality of the limited sub section of teenagers I worked with. Anecdotal at best, so I'm sure it won't apply to Paige. I have stated that it may be beneficial for someone reading this that they may have something additional to consider when deciding whether to bring an additional child into over crowded housing with little money. It's hard and there are consequences.

Is sds's mum booked the holiday without prior consultation regarding sds's care, of course she is being unreasonable, however, shutting the barber's during the week outside of office working hours will probably have a limited impact if the business is already running close to a loss. Does your partner have anyone who can cover him so he can be around during the day and then close as normal for bedtime? If he batch cooks for the week it may be more manageable.

lampshady · 26/06/2015 19:31

*If not is

lampshady · 26/06/2015 19:32

And within office opening hours.

Should proof read.

HoneyLemon · 26/06/2015 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step · 26/06/2015 19:37

Paige, in the nicest possible way it won't "all work out in the end" unless you make it very clear to your partner that you are having major surgery. This means that you physically can't look after his son by yourself.

I recommend staying in that hospital as long as possible.

lampshady · 26/06/2015 19:42

HoneyLemon, I can assure you the children feel like shit too.

There's no easy answer for parents or for the children, but at least there are professionals to help if things go wrong. And that's all we can do, as I'd never have the audacity to assume I know the best course of action for anyone, but thankfully there are people who can offer support if needed.

CalmItKermit · 26/06/2015 19:48

The title of your post is misleading, it says am i wrong for saying my partner cant have his son.....it should read am I wrong to not have dp son for a week when I have had a cc and other children to care for, alone!

Ive had a cc, my dd was in scbu for 10 days, I was not well at all.. YANBU

HoneyLemon · 26/06/2015 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lampshady · 26/06/2015 20:02

Which is why I went out of my way to say it was anecdotal in the previous post. By the time professionals get involved you can probably guess something has gone wrong somewhere.

SitsOnFence · 26/06/2015 20:07

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Your partner, however, has a responsibility to his son that it doesn't sound like he's doing a very good job of fulfilling.

wheresthelight · 26/06/2015 20:07

I think it would have been helpful to have all the pertinent information in the op so that we didn't have to read a load of nasty comments before getting all the facts

Based on your posts then no yanbu to refuse to have dss. Due to issues at work my dp had his paternity leave declined which never mattered originally as his exw had told us she had booked to take the kids away for the fortnight starting from my due date (I was booked for induction the day before due date due to complications) she changed her mind last minute - like day of my induction - and then flipped that I refused to have her kids so she could work. She then expected my dp's dad to have them when his wife was dying in hospital so was not impressed when dp had a go at her for being a selfish cow

Some ex's will always be a nightmare but having her kid on your own straight after a c section is ridiculous. Either your dp needs to save money weekly and put some aside to fund his week off or he needs to find an alternative that isn't you or your mum.

Dss might've a half sibling to your new baby but he is not your responsibility to look after just because your dp is a twat

K888 · 26/06/2015 21:25

You aren't being selfish.

But it sounds like it might be good for you all if your step kid could stay a whole week at some point - so that he doesn't lose out on a longer stay with his Dad.
But not if it just because you are being used for 'babysitting' - his Dad should be the one - maybe 5 weeks or longer after a C section - at the end of the holidays?

Bellebella · 27/06/2015 08:16

Why on earth would you have a baby with this man Confused glad you are happy about the baby but God I would be dumping the man. If you have handled being a single parent to 2, one more won't make a difference!

He sounds like a right twat. To be fair the ex wife is fine to expect her son's dad to have him for a week. She has him all summer and then the dad has him for 3 fortnights?
I would too expect him to have him more regardless if his new girlfriend had a baby. That's nothing to do with his parenting responsibilities to his other child.

The problem is clearly your partner but no doubt it makes you feel better by blaming the ex instead.

Quesera21 · 27/06/2015 09:12

Too much dripfeeding after the original post for me to believe half of what yous aid.
Do you have a date for the c section?

Very nebulous beginning of the summer holidays - depends on when the beginning is and when the week his DS needs to stay.

If you are as nebulous with the facts with his EX, not sure why you should think she should plan her life around you and your impending arrival.

Yet another example of how the DSS is not really considered part of the "family" and can be flicked off when ever.

COI : c section is not that bad- had 3. For the last two, the DP was out of the country and not back for sometime. You cope because you have to. In those 3 I had one child on NICU, 1 on sCBU and an infection....

YonicScrewdriver · 27/06/2015 09:15

Sometimes people complain that the opening post is too long. It's unfair to accuse the OP of drip feeding, she posted about her specific issue then posted more as info was requested.

RandomMess · 27/06/2015 09:15

I would say you can have him anytime 4 weeks post op. Before that why not offer the compromise of every weekend as I presume your partner doesn't work Sundays so it would only be one day coping on your own.

whiteiris · 27/06/2015 10:24

You are NOT being unreasonable.

Ifonly4oneday · 27/06/2015 12:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable Smile

VerityWaves · 27/06/2015 12:18

You are not unreasonable at all!
God forbid you have complications.. this set up is absolutely ridiculous of course you can't look after a 4 yo you Will be bonding with your new baby and recovering!!

Your bf is not looking after you at all in this scenario. You just need to say no. I'm sure the ex has timed this on purpose, what a vindictive woman.

clam · 27/06/2015 12:28

Of course you're not being unreasonable. And actually, I think people are being unfair to accuse your partner of being a twat etc.. when he's struggling to keep a business afloat in order to provide for his family.

You must stick to your guns on this one, OP, as if you do too much after what is undeniably a major op, not to mention coping with a newborn, it could have major repercussions on your health - and sanity. Tell his ex - or rather, get him to tell her that you cannot have his son at this point. Let her kick off about it if she wants, but disengage. You are not available facilitate her holiday plans.

YonicScrewdriver · 27/06/2015 12:31

Ex may be going on holiday with a friend - she may not be 100% flexible.OP if your DP books in appointments can't he book more the week before and week after DSS's visit? Explain why to the customers and he should retain at least some if his potential revenue.

SylvaniansAtEase · 27/06/2015 12:34

In this particular situation - you just say:

'Yes, it should be no problem at all. In fact it will be ideal bonding time for my DP and his son as they will have the flat all to themselves - me and the baby and the other children will be at my parents' home for the week having a bit of TLC. So glad I could help facilitate not only your holiday and evident delight in last minute changes of plan, but also quality one-on-one time for DP and little X!'

Your partner is just as much of a dick as his ex, by the sound of it.

ohhello · 27/06/2015 12:37

Yabu. Perhaps if it's just logistics you could ship one of your older children to grannies for a week to make space. You can't pick and choose which children matter enough to be 'in the way', this is a sibling.

Swipe left for the next trending thread