As a step parent I feel like I have post natal depression/Im being a bitch..

[avocadosarentmiddleclassed]

All of the symptoms match how I feel in relation my DSD (8 years old)

I am feeling a lot like I want to escape and get away.

She tends to just want to either play on her dads iPod (Minecraft) or watch TV literally all the time.

I feel like I can't connect with her and very small things annoy me. e.g Today I bought some sushi and offered her some, she took some salmon off the top of a piece, played with it smelled it then said she didn't want it. I said that now you've played with it you have to eat it- she looked really upset and said it smells weird. In the end I told her to give it to her Dad.

I don't tend to respond with anger or irritation externally, I tend to just hide in the bedroom when she is here.

This weekend's been particularly bad.

I went into town to meet a friend earlier and when I got back suggested going around a local lake on bikes.

DSD was very excited about this but when we got there she wanted to stop every 2 minutes. DH is very patient and kind and he kept stopping but I wanted to have a bit of a work out so would go fast then when they caught up with me I sat on a bench to let them have a rest.

We headed for a cafe as DSD wanted ice cream but they were lagging behind, DSD shouted wait wait but I was so thrilled to finally be getting some exercise that I said "NO." I felt uncharacteristically irritated and inflexible and kind of like these 2 (usually) couch potatoes were cramping my style.

She shouted back; "you don't know what it's like for an 8 year old" and I said "I do" (when I was 8 I used to cycle miles with my dad.)

In the end I said to DH "why don't you two go back home and I'll bike back?" He agreed and off I went.

Since I got back they've just been watching TV for hours on end and Ive been staying away as I feel so bad that I can't integrate with them and I'm just this background figure in our house.

I just went down stairs to watch TV with them and after 3 of DSD's cartoons I took the remote and said I would choose something. (to make a point more than anything)

DSD and DH wined and wined that I had skimmed past a programme about the Clangers so I just put it on and left the room feeling pissed off.

Im just being an irritable grumpy bitch (my step mother was bordering on abusive) I feel an absence of love which really disturbs me.

To avoid messing this kids head up, I'm thinking about leaving. Literally leaving for good.

Bearing in mind that not everyone is cut out for stepmotherhood (or stepfatherhood) and keeping exit in mind as an option can't possibly be a bad thing.

It's possible your DP is seeing red flags after the events outlined in the OP, in any event.

If I was cycling with my DP and my 8 year old child and he charged off petulantly on the grounds of "wanting a workout!" when she couldn't keep up, I am afraid I would cease to find him attractive immediately and that would be the end of that

^^ this!!

Perhaps the OP was using MN to vent in her earlier posts, but she did herself no favours with other posters, for which she has only herself to blame! No she shouldn't have ridden off in a temper, no she shouldn't have changed TV channels to make a point, and yes she should have more patience and act in a more grown up and understanding manner! I'm certainly not praising her, because the behaviour she described was unpleasant. But I'm not totally condemning her out of hand, or calling her names because firstly, none of us know the full back story, and secondly we all make mistakes...big mistakes sometimes! She has given herself a hard enough time over it, (and rightly so) and is aware she needs to step up here, so hopefully her relationship with her DSD will improve!

True Maggie. I'd be a shocking stepparent and as know I would get very irritated by other people's children even if only for a couple of days a fortnight.

The OP hasn't given herself a hard time at all she has only justified her actions that is clear from her following posts. I also couldn't give a toss about the back story there is never any reason to treat a child with such contempt and I for one will not be in the there there camp when it comes to treating children like rivals.

Regina is right, particularly about backstories. Every abusive person in the history of civilization had a 'backstory'. Allowing yourself the indulgence of thinking 'But my backstory..' is a bit worrying.

There are just some complete no-nos, aren't there? Venting personal frustration at an 8 year old sounds like one.

I agree regina

And the no shame policy that allows every emotion to be aired - well I think it's just op that would apply to while her dp and DSD just look on and think 'wtf' again.

£2000 spent on therapy because you have a DSD? Wtf?

OK, right she behaved badly, but in her OP she's accused herself of being a grumpy bitch, so she is aware that she should most certainly not have not treated her DSD so abysmally! I definitely don't condone her behaviour, and tbh I think she should think very carefully about whether a life with a DSC in it is right for her....but I don't feel the need to name call!

I called her a spiteful bully because her behaviour was spiteful and she was being a bully. Spiteful during the bike ride and a bully for changing the TV channel for no other reason than to be mean to a child. Would you not say this was an accurate description? If I was name calling I would have agreed with her and said yes you are a bitch.

What the OP did was not because she was a grumpy bitch that day she was calculated in her thinking and everything she did was to either upset her SDD or put her at a disadvantage. That is very very different to just being a bit moody. In fact it is worrying.

I agree Regina, that her behaviour was not appropriate when dealing with other people's children....which is why I think the OP should be reconsidering her future!

....let me re-phrase that, any child!

Yes I agree wdg as a SM and a teacher of young children

Nope, I've re-read it and cannot see how OP was 'bullying'.

Anyone care to explain, using the facts as presented and without any embellishment?

It looks to me like OP was just grumpy. I have been grumpy with dss and dp for watching shit on TV when I don't want it on. I can recall a bike ride about a year ago, it was maybe five miles and about halfway dss refused to go any further and started mock gagging and saying he was going to die. I lost patience with him and cycled off, leaving his dad to deal with him. I guess I'm a bully too.

We had, of course, been jollying him along and going slowly for him up til then.

dss is always refusing to eat things, in fact he barely eats anything and whines about any food he is given (bizarrely sushi is one thing he claims to like but we don't eat it often!) and I have often been known to tell him to stop whining and eat his food as it's perfectly good and we're not made of money. More bullying.

No, any child needs to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them and that if we're doing things together we all have to compromise.

"I wonder how many would praise her if she was the stepmother to your 8 yo. "

And there is the crux of it isn't it? It wasn't your 8yo and you weren't there.

The OP was grumpy and I think the reference to PND is extreme and unnecessary, and her later responses have been divisive, but using the opening post and saying she was bullying etc is just over playing it.

Having said all that - I'm not sure what the OP wanted from the forum.

I'm a bit confused about that too Melon! Is she looking for approval, conformation that she was wrong or advice? Although I don't agree with
OP's treatment of her DSD, I don't call it bullying either...and I definitely agree with your point about not encouraging children to think the world revolves around them!

Well I disagree with you, sorry you wasted your time posting such a lengthy reply.

Maybe you do bully your DSS who knows, do you think you do? Are you purposefully mean to him?

I simply cannot see where you get this stuff from:

"I called her a spiteful bully because her behaviour was spiteful and she was being a bully."

In your view.

"Spiteful during the bike ride" - or just getting pissed off and not realising a child won't ride as fast as you, it's all learning. The actual interaction with the child didn't sound very bad. The dp was there, maybe OP was annoyed with dp.

"and a bully for changing the TV channel for no other reason than to be mean to a child." - or, you could use her words "to make a point" - maybe to her dp? Again, I just see this as adjusting to having a child in your life. I am now more used to dss watching stuff I'm not interested in but it drove me mad to start with - and again, people, children included, should learn that no single person controls everything without compromise.

"Would you not say this was an accurate description?" - no. The OP's was a description, yours is a judgement on her description.

"What the OP did was not because she was a grumpy bitch that day" - how can you possibly know this?

"she was calculated in her thinking" - again, you have zero evidence for this judgement. She could have been just getting grumpy.

"and everything she did was to either upset her SDD or put her at a disadvantage." - According to you, but again you are attributing motives that are simply not described in the OP.

Oh and I am so pleased it wasn't my 8 yo I am just sorry that it has happened to some bodies 8 yo. My mind is unchanged and I have not one ounce of empathy or sympathy for somebody who has first hand experience of a poor SM then goes on to treat her own DSD with such contempt.

Again with the lengthy post. I don't care if you think I am wrong it won't change what i think of the op. You can continue to try and make your points to me as to why I am wrong but at the end of the day it won't change a thing.

OK...end of then!!

"Maybe you do bully your DSS who knows, do you think you do? "

No, of course not but I also don't expect random strangers on the Internet to judge me as such by one day's activity reported by me.

Well, when I say "I don't expect it", obviously I do expect it, I'm not stupid, I know people will always be judgemental when they can bash at a keyboard.

And say dismissive things like "Again with the lengthy post" - I didn't know there was a limit, I'm a fast typist, and I hadn't seen your previous dismissal and refusal to engage so please don't think I was courting your approval in any way.

Yep I am judgey especially when it comes to adults treating children badly just because they were having a bad day.

I find your posts too long to read and given that they are not going to change my mind I wanted to save you the trouble of writing further lengthy posts.

Haha do you feel the need to have the last say? Just to say that? Reginafalangie?

I don't really think it's necessary to be judgey - if someone is already admitting they feel bad after doing the wrong thing. To carry on with the name calling and holier than thou attitude... And casting huge aspersions on a whole wave of people you don't know at all.. Is that not bullying?
In some cases people only need someone to listen and a bit of encouragement to make the right choices..

The OP "tends to hide in the bedroom" when her DSD comes to visit. It seems pretty clear that this is an ongoing thing. Are some posters purposely ignoring this because it doesn't fit their own personal agenda.

I agree with Regina that attempts to minimise this situation probably indicate that some of those posters probably are quite unpleasant to their own step children and an OP like this helps them justify that.

Call it what you like call me what you like for that matter. Personally I think those of you who are on side with the OP are no better than her and if any of you are SM I worry for your SDC.
Also my holier than thou attitude has enabled me to be a good SM who has a loving and respectful relationship with my now adult DSS's for over 14 years without once being a nasty spiteful person. I don't take it as an insult tbh.