As a step parent I feel like I have post natal depression/Im being a bitch..

[avocadosarentmiddleclassed]

All of the symptoms match how I feel in relation my DSD (8 years old)

I am feeling a lot like I want to escape and get away.

She tends to just want to either play on her dads iPod (Minecraft) or watch TV literally all the time.

I feel like I can't connect with her and very small things annoy me. e.g Today I bought some sushi and offered her some, she took some salmon off the top of a piece, played with it smelled it then said she didn't want it. I said that now you've played with it you have to eat it- she looked really upset and said it smells weird. In the end I told her to give it to her Dad.

I don't tend to respond with anger or irritation externally, I tend to just hide in the bedroom when she is here.

This weekend's been particularly bad.

I went into town to meet a friend earlier and when I got back suggested going around a local lake on bikes.

DSD was very excited about this but when we got there she wanted to stop every 2 minutes. DH is very patient and kind and he kept stopping but I wanted to have a bit of a work out so would go fast then when they caught up with me I sat on a bench to let them have a rest.

We headed for a cafe as DSD wanted ice cream but they were lagging behind, DSD shouted wait wait but I was so thrilled to finally be getting some exercise that I said "NO." I felt uncharacteristically irritated and inflexible and kind of like these 2 (usually) couch potatoes were cramping my style.

She shouted back; "you don't know what it's like for an 8 year old" and I said "I do" (when I was 8 I used to cycle miles with my dad.)

In the end I said to DH "why don't you two go back home and I'll bike back?" He agreed and off I went.

Since I got back they've just been watching TV for hours on end and Ive been staying away as I feel so bad that I can't integrate with them and I'm just this background figure in our house.

I just went down stairs to watch TV with them and after 3 of DSD's cartoons I took the remote and said I would choose something. (to make a point more than anything)

DSD and DH wined and wined that I had skimmed past a programme about the Clangers so I just put it on and left the room feeling pissed off.

Im just being an irritable grumpy bitch (my step mother was bordering on abusive) I feel an absence of love which really disturbs me.

To avoid messing this kids head up, I'm thinking about leaving. Literally leaving for good.

Melon...3CM's has just voiced my exact thoughts!! Why should you be expected to give everything up, your career, income etc so that DSC's mother can work full time...he's not your responsibility?! And how would your DP continue to financially support his child if he gives up work?

....and by the way, financially supporting DC does not end with childhood, not in my experience anyway!!!

Only read the OP. Yes please leave the relationship, she's 8, she doesn't need the kind of spiteful resentment you describe permeating her living environment. Everything you wrote there about her sounds similar to my own 8 year old dd, however I do not react negatively to that kind of thing because I get that's just how 8 year girls can be, it's normal. Clearly you do not wish to make the required allowances so remove yourself from the situation for everyone's sake including your own.

Wow! You sound like a horrible bully who likes to belittle a little girl. She's hardly being a madam by not wanting sushi or she can't keep up with you on a bike ride. I suffer with depression but do not go around being spiteful to an eight year old so please don't use that as an excuse.

I don't think they specifically meant for me to give up - they really meant him. But this was someone who has two children, doesn't work, has a DH who earns masses (at least 40% more than my dp who is a high earner) and works loads of hours, they relocate all over the world, and she sees her role as being to simply support him - well, fine.

Considering the current behavioural problems, dp and I have considered paying the ex more on the condition she goes back to p/t work. But in reality it wouldn't work - she's not good with money so she'd still be complaining she was broke (and gifted money is so much easier to spend, isn't it?), her dp wouldn't want dss there more (they really don't get on), we couldn't trust her not to be dishonest about it, and when he is there she doesn't really deal with him - they never do anything*, so it's not like she's a great mother and him spending more time with her would be beneficial, it would be no better than paying an untrained babysitter really.

*the other day I was asked to have him after school because she was 'working'. He didn't get the message and there was a flurry of texts in which it appeared dss had gone to his mum's though we think he actually went to a mate's. So dp texted and said "no, you're coming to ours, Melon is coming to get you, stay there". When I got there her car was there but no-one answered the door - I didn't know if dss was there or not, so was ringing the bell, banging the door, went round the back, phoned dss, texted dss, in the end I called dp and asked him to phone dss. Meanwhile, after aaaages, ex answered the door, claiming she had been 'on the loo' - yeah, right (she was hiding from me). So I went in to wait while dss came back 'from school (from his mate's!) and she said "he'd better hurry up, I've got a tanning session booked". So I was having dss, and she had finished work early so she could get a fake tan. I was actually working (from home) that day, so had taken an hour out to sort all this out. Can see where he gets the lying from.....

I am fully expecting supporting him to go on well into his twenties, but by then the money will go from us to him so we'd have more say over when/what we give. But if dp gives up work I'm not sure how he'd get back into work at a sensible level in a few years time so then we'd not have the money to support dss as an adult either - so no-one wins.

Wow. Don't beat yourself up over the negative comments on here.
You were totally honest.
Some people like to pretend that they're simply perfect in every way, and love nothing more than to boost themselves by telling people how rotten they are!
What you're feeling is entirely natural.
For a start you don't have any children of your own (I'm assuming from this thread)
So it's quite normal to feel quite selfishly, no one is born selfless or loving All children unconditionally like many of the folks feigning to be some kind of earth mother on here!
I have 7 kids. 2 of which are step kids. My own kids irritate the hell out of me sometimes, But not as much as my step kids do. And it can be the tiniest thing.
It's not a nice feeling.
But aslong as you know when to pick your battles and accept your feelings then question your own motives.. Then you're trying.. And tbh you may have been antisocial that day, but you were aware of these feelings..
I can understand totally how you're feeling.
You're maybe feeling on the outside of the bond your DP and dsd have..
But dont be so hard on yourself it's quite a totally natural feeling.
Maybe talk to your DP... Im sure he really loves you and wants you both to get along.
Maybe you're just expecting to have maternal instincts and be an instantly amazing step mum.. It comes with time.. Chin up you're not a cow!

Also, what none of the parents on here, that also have dc has admitted is that some days are a FAIL! It's not all Mary poppins!

You accept it and then welcome a new day and start again!
Being a good parent isn't walking around with a fixed smile. Adults/parents have shit days sometimes.
You were off with the dsd and she didn't expect it or deserve it. But I'm sure her own dm has off days too.

Thank you, no I'm not beating myself up any more thanks. Im looking after DSD right now as she writes songs with 2 of her school friends, we've just had a hug and I asked her about her day at school. A very natural love has risen in my heart because one of her friends has given her some hilarious high heeled shoes and she is toting around in them clip clopping round the house.

I made a decision a few months ago to not force my relationship with her (as I'm here for the long term) I wanted it to grow organically.
I think this was a good decision, Im currently in my first term of primary teaching and am doing 50-55 weeks for school, I wasn't self aware enough on Saturday to realise that I probably needed some solitude to reboot and come back to my best self.

But I'm very much of the belief that in order to have authentic relationships with people you have to let them see your whole self- the whole spectrum from light to dark and know that within that they are loved, cared for and protected. I did apologise to her and my DH for my behaviour and explained why I behaved as I did.

We have a shame free policy in our house hold and all emotions are allowed to be expressed and self awareness is key to catching negative states of mind in order to take yourself away if you feel like your mood will harm others.
I didn't catch it this week and ended up having to say sorry (which I was)

Perhaps some of you who I took refuge in could do with a same free policy in your own lives, instead of telling people they are not depressed when they are, calling them names and telling them they are BAD.

I am not in any way bad- I have a lot to offer this little girl and she has a lot to offer me.

I will continue to rally against the step mother hating society that we live in (do you have any idea how much more irritating other people's children's fussiness/ naughtiness/ grumpiness is to people who aren't they're bio parents?) Well take how irritated you are and times by 100.

That doesn't mean I am not patient, I am but if you've carried that child and known them since they were babies then your mind has had time to become more flexible to their every whim and need. Getting into a relationship with man who had a child was also not something I took lightly believe me.

Fortunately for me DSD's mother and I get on very well to the point where we go out dancing together and for dinner. I have knocked on her door exasperated that I couldn't find many things to give DSD that she liked to eat and DSD's mother gave me a massive hug and thanked me for all that I do with/ have done with her daughter and thanked me for caring.

You should be careful about jousting people that you don't know, it says far more about your own narrow mind than it does about my capability as a step parent and human being.

I'm sorry this doesn't suit your wicked step mother narrative where all is back and white and there's nothing in between.

*shame free

I certainly agree and know how much more difficult it is to deal with every day irritations from DSC than it is with your own, all mine are grown, but believe me the irritations don't go away when they become adults! I have not called you bad, nor do I now, but maybe your earlier posts indicated a sometimes less than tolerant nature, and yes I appreciate that you are aware of it and are addressing it...good for you, it's not easy! You are absolutely right, that we all have our off days I certainly do, and we shouldn't be judged by them alone! By the way, you are so lucky to be getting on so well with DSD's DM....I have had years of decisions being made about my time, without any discussion with me!

Melon....you can fully expect to support some DSC for the rest of their lives, as I know well!!!

Of course I have days where I fail as a mum and a step mum but I fall short of being a nasty spiteful bully.

The op is actually being praised!!! Why because she was honest about her nastiness to a child I wonder how many would praise her if she was the stepmother to your 8 yo.

Being a SM is bloody hard but that shouldn't give an adult the green light to behave the way the OP has towards her DSD. I hope all of those who have patted the OP on the head and said there there realise that by doing so you have probably made her feel her behaviour is justified and she will continue to be cruel to this little girl. Give yourselves a pat on the back. I will support any poster who is struggling but I will never condone this type of behaviour nor will I praise them for it.

I'm glad you are so perfect Regina-lucky you!
I also I hope it makes you feel good to call people whom you've never met, nasty and spiteful bullies.
I think you are projecting this upon me because of something within yourself.

So because I am not childish and nasty to my SDC you think that makes me perfect? I never said I was.

No it doesn't make me feel good but what makes me feel worse is reading how you behaved towards this child because you were having a bad day what you did was spiteful and it was bullying. What would you call it?

Me projecting ha ha ha that's rich. I have nothing so wrong in my life that would cause me to behave in such a way so I do not see what it is I am projecting. I call it as I see it and you were straight up nasty to the little girl.

She was being antisocial I'd say. She admitted she could have done things differently and felt like she'd been a bitch.
But I don't see how riding off by herself was being a bully..?

It's always best to be by yourself if you're not in a friendly mood Reginafalangie.
And she apologised fgs. She's learning on the job. And having a fully grown 8yo with all their irritating habits is like being thrown in at the deep end!
She's had a stepmother herself and so can put herself in her dsd shoes..

Your most recent post claiming how rosy everything is normally and indicating that the behaviour on your part described in the OP was an anomaly doesn't really tie in with how you "tend to hide in the bedroom" when she's there does it?

If I was cycling with my DP and my 8 year old child and he charged off petulantly on the grounds of "wanting a workout!" when she couldn't keep up, I am afraid I would cease to find him attractive immediately and that would be the end of that.

There's nothing to praise here and I am surprised posters are attempting to. You're unsurprisingly very defensive in your later posts so hopefully it's given you something to think about for when you next interact with this child.

Great so you can behave like a twat to a child as long as you apologise what the OP did went beyond losing patience or snapping verbally when you have answered the same question 100 times. The OP actually went out of her way to be mean for example switching over the TV. What the OP describes in her first post is not a normal reaction to having a bad day she was purposefully nasty.

Hey if it makes the rest of you feel better by soothing the op because you yourselves have behaved so spitefully towards your SDC then carry on who am I to stop you. I have posted my thoughts on the OP just as others have this the joys of an open forum.

Oh, no one is having a go at step-parents, so please stop the conquer and divide nonsense, OP.

People are unhappy with your treatment of your stepdaughter.

I don't understand why anyone is praising you either. Your behaviour was petulant and spiteful. Your attitude here to anyone disagreeing with you is childish - 'you don't agree so obviously you feel guilty about something/oh, aren't you just perfect'.

I'm actually of the opinion that you're here to start a row between step-parents and non-step-parents, with all your 'let's stand together against the others' crap.

And you don't know people's backgrounds here, but I do. Not everyone disagreeing with you is a non-step-parent.

Wow, that was a fast fix

Oh and as for learning on the job I was 23 when I became a SM to twin preteen boys. I didn't have any DC at that point so I was very inexperienced but I knew that being a nasty bully towards them was not the way to go no matter what.

Learning on the job/no DC of your own should NEVER be an excuse for treating a child badly and I am shocked so many of you think her behaviour can be excused.

Please be honest if this was YOUR 8 yo and you found out that her SM had behaved in such away against her how would you feel?
Would you be praising her or would you be upset at the thought that not only does her SM find her irritating but she thinks she is lazy and she has shown little compassion for your child even going as far as to choose to be mean to her just to prove a point? Frankly I would be concerned just how far this women would go to get one over on an 8 yo.

And a primary school teacher too!

God help the kids who get her as a teacher.

Hope you have more compassion in the workplace, OP.

Scary.

Wow you had a quick change of heart op . I bet they love your mood swings in your house. 52 sessions with a therapist and you still feel jelousy towards an eight year old.

Wow, you go out dancing with your DH's ex - that is amazing.

You know you were totally out of order with your DH's DD and hopefully you've now realised that when you are feeling like that you need to take yourself off for some quiet time.

Good luck with the primary school teaching - am sure that will help you get a better idea of what small children are like and capable of. At this point of the school year it is quite normal for children to need quite a bit of down time at the weekends in my experience.