As a step parent I feel like I have post natal depression/Im being a bitch..

[avocadosarentmiddleclassed]

All of the symptoms match how I feel in relation my DSD (8 years old)

I am feeling a lot like I want to escape and get away.

She tends to just want to either play on her dads iPod (Minecraft) or watch TV literally all the time.

I feel like I can't connect with her and very small things annoy me. e.g Today I bought some sushi and offered her some, she took some salmon off the top of a piece, played with it smelled it then said she didn't want it. I said that now you've played with it you have to eat it- she looked really upset and said it smells weird. In the end I told her to give it to her Dad.

I don't tend to respond with anger or irritation externally, I tend to just hide in the bedroom when she is here.

This weekend's been particularly bad.

I went into town to meet a friend earlier and when I got back suggested going around a local lake on bikes.

DSD was very excited about this but when we got there she wanted to stop every 2 minutes. DH is very patient and kind and he kept stopping but I wanted to have a bit of a work out so would go fast then when they caught up with me I sat on a bench to let them have a rest.

We headed for a cafe as DSD wanted ice cream but they were lagging behind, DSD shouted wait wait but I was so thrilled to finally be getting some exercise that I said "NO." I felt uncharacteristically irritated and inflexible and kind of like these 2 (usually) couch potatoes were cramping my style.

She shouted back; "you don't know what it's like for an 8 year old" and I said "I do" (when I was 8 I used to cycle miles with my dad.)

In the end I said to DH "why don't you two go back home and I'll bike back?" He agreed and off I went.

Since I got back they've just been watching TV for hours on end and Ive been staying away as I feel so bad that I can't integrate with them and I'm just this background figure in our house.

I just went down stairs to watch TV with them and after 3 of DSD's cartoons I took the remote and said I would choose something. (to make a point more than anything)

DSD and DH wined and wined that I had skimmed past a programme about the Clangers so I just put it on and left the room feeling pissed off.

Im just being an irritable grumpy bitch (my step mother was bordering on abusive) I feel an absence of love which really disturbs me.

To avoid messing this kids head up, I'm thinking about leaving. Literally leaving for good.

Thank you silverbirch I will try, I have been going to a psychotherapist for a year £40 per week to help me adjust to life as a step parent and to avoid being anything like what was modelled to me as a child. Today was a major FAIL I know that and feel shit about it but I can be lovely with her.
I was just asking for understanding really- its a very lonely place sometimes.

It does read like you did several quite goady things. The riding off ahead, the refusing to slow down when DSD asked (and the fact you cycled loads at a similar age is irrelevant, really), and taking control of the TV remote to make a point... well, it's not the nicest behaviour.

Are you actually the 8 year old? You're behaviour seems to suggest it!

Advocacos, there is really no need for that statement. I can't read anything at all in your post to suggest that you have depression - and I say that as a very experienced MH professional. Unless you are not mentioning all your symptoms on here for some reason. I hear that you are struggling, but I also hear that you seem to feel that your 8 year old DSD should behave differently in order to make you happy. Your frustration and anger is palpable but to turn on an ill person and accuse them of monopolising depression is appalling, you'd never do that about a physical health condition I hope

Do you have any children of your own?
You don't come across as someone who actually understands them and can empathise with them very well.

Your behaviour is more akin to a jealous sibling. You need to discuss with your dh really. Fake it to make it. You had a bad step mum but what was your mum like?

(And having nearly lost a friend to suicide through pnd I do find your op flippant and subsequent reply deeply unpleasant)

I have just apologised to her and had a cuddle and nice chat, explaining that I was very proud of her for what she managed to do today.
I can't do any more than that.

How often is she with you..? I'm sorry if I've missed the information, but it sounds like it's the standard arrangement, ie every other weekend? If that's the case I think maybe you need to ease up on yourself about the whole 'step mother' role. If she comes every other weekend and is with her mum the rest of the time then chances are she just thinks of you as dad's girlfriend/wife and nothing beyond that, and that's how you should think of yourself too. It is terribly hard adjusting to this situation, I guess everyone who has done it has made mistakes. But the fact that you are giving yourself such a hard time (probably justifiably!) means that basically you know you fucked up today and you'll do better in future. Maybe just take a step back - it's their weekend together, they sound like they enjoy doing the same things and you don't particularly, so maybe just let them get on with it..? Use her weekends with you to catch up with friends, get your own things done, go upstairs and watch a film in peace with a glass of wine. Then when you are with her it won't feel like you're trying so hard and she probably won't annoy you so much and the relationship will (probably) evolve naturally.

Thank you, that is what I normally do but this weekend I have been a bit shit and yes fucked up and yes apologised- you speak a lot of sense thanks for understanding shewhomustbe

Now you've shared that you received shit parenting that makes a whole heap of sense to me. That was why I failed as a step-parent.

In my head I wanted to be everything I should be but in reality my internal child just imploded. I didn't have the emotionally resilience to cope nor did I have the skills to be parent on an emotional level.

It is very very hard when you've been brought up with no experience of what you need to be able to give.

Being a step parent is not easy, and IMO it just isn't possible to feel the same bond as you do with your own DC, and if you don't have DC then you probably don't have the child understanding skills anyway! I think the advice you've been given here is good, the child wants to spend time with her DF, doing stuff they like...so just let them! I'm sure you can find things to do while DSD is visiting, just be there to say hello, goodnight etc and be neutrally pleasant. Take a deep breath, stop beating yourself up about it, maybe if you're more relaxed, you'll cope better with it!

I am also outraged that you think PND might explain your self regard and resentment.

You sound ignorant, nasty and immature.

Hmm, I also had bad parenting as a child, abusive parents. I later tried to make my niece and nephew's lives perfect presumably because I saw the child me in them. When their lives weren't perfect (how could they be) I had a breakdown and had a month off work and 6m of counselling. Because I couldn't fix the child me.
I wonder if this is what you're trying to do with DSD? I wonder if you are trying to create the life you never had but somehow feel is perfect'? Eating sushi and cycling in happy families round lakes with wind in your hair is great. But only if everyone is into it.

Maybe mention this incident to your counsellor and see what you both make of it.
And yes, leave her to do stuff with her DF and you book a message. Then find one thing each weekend you can do with her - make a card, paint her nails, read a book etc.

Btw, I hate kids' films but have pretended to watch loads of them (often waking up in the cinema with dss staring straight at me saying "you were asleep!"). You can get more into them if you just relax.

I've 'monopolised' all the types of depression? And you think I lack empathy?

I've got empathy in spades. It's just it's for your SD, not you.

You only want to hear from people willing to stroke your ego and get snippy with anyone not willing to do that.

I think your next step is to concentrate on how you can change your attitude so that you don't end up alienating your DSD and then your OH, rather than trying to get sympathy for your depression.

The reality is that depression or not, you are, as you acknowledge yourself, unreasonable. The simplest instance of this is you making it clear to them whilst you went cycling that you didn't want to integrate with them because you wanted to make this activity something enjoyable for yourself, but then seem to have an issue with them watching a film together and not wanting to integrate you in this activity.

What you need to remember is that with every instance that you act as the above, your SD will reject you more and more. Making her feel that you care for her and that you want a relationship is your responsibility and not hers.

To be fair, what you've described is nothing to do with with being a step parent rather than a parent. I can't recall the times when I have taken party in an activity with the children when I felt I was doing it only for their benefit rathen than my enjoyment. It took many cases of playing tennis with them, when all I did was picking balls up and throwing them at them before they finally got to the point (now!) when I am struggling to keep up with them!!

I think you need to shift your mindset and look at all you do with your SD as an investment rather than a chore. Yes, taking her cycling at the moment might not be much fun for you now, BUT, it might mean that as she gets stronger, it will be something you share and could build your relationship on, or, even if she decides it is not activity she enjoys, at least she might ask you to participate in another she might be more keen on.

Thanks for the helpful advice everyone, I have been listening to DSD singing in her new band today and enjoying her company. Things aren't as bad as they seem, yesterday was just a bad day.
I understand from some of your generalising responses that you never have bad days or angry days or days when you need help reigning your inner child in to limit damage. Well good for you.

Glad you're having a better day today. This is the book that helped me, maybe take a look?

www.amazon.co.uk/Single-Girls-Guide-Marrying-Ex-Wife/dp/0451214196

Dare I say this ....

I think it's perfectly okay yo feel frustrated at times and just take yourself away from the situation. I'd be very surprised if a step parent could honestly say they had never felt like that. The difference is to do that, take yourself away, make your excuses and have some time out. My DPs kids always do things that bug me lol. It's not their fault they're kids and thankfully really good ones, we get on well on the whole. When I feel like that i realise it's me and not them (most of the time) and after a while by myself all is well again.

Don't beat yourself up for getting annoyed and frustrated just learn from the times you don't handle it well and adjust your behaviour. Your only human

We do have bad days and angry days, but you were mean. Children should come first. If you take an eight year old on a bike ride it is not an exercise session for you. And turning off cartoons when there is nothing else you want to watch is just silly.

Sorry if I've missed it but I can't remember seeing how long you'd been with your dp?

You were not just having a bad day OP you were down right mean and nasty while trying to justify yourself by saying it was your inner child

Grow up. Simple as that really.

Mumsnet is not the place to post if you're struggling with step- parenting. You can struggle with parenting but God forbid if you struggle with the considerably more challenging role of step parenting! Research has shown that rates of depression are higher for stepmothers than mothers and the general population (partly due to the lack of social support amply demonstrated on this thread) so I wouldn't let people tell you you couldn't be depressed. I certainly wouldn't go on to the thread of a pnd sufferer and tell them to suck it up, and to stop whinging about their poor child.
We all have bad days, glad today is a better day.
Btw, are you sure this relationship is for you? What difference you have from someone with pnd - you always have a way out. You could leave?

Yes, I agree actually - it's such a torn role isn't it?

I don't have dc (though I have had many interactions with other children, including originally training as a nursery nurse and being a nanny) so to me it's hard. I know no other stepparents in RL (except dss SD, but I don't have any contact with him) and parents tell you 'oh, we do this' - but 'this; doesn't work with a child who is only with you EOW.

On another forum someone recently told me that either me or dp should give up work to support dss at home because 'those are the sacrifices people make' - um, no. Dp works in a high earning job to support the family and pays the ex to look after dss most of the time with us having him as much as possible (about alternate weeks at the moment), plus she got most of the house equity (rightly) to home him - so dp has made his sacrifice. If dp leaves work then there's no money for the ex, is there? Because why would I support her?
dp had no money to put into our home [I am fine with this] and surely the money ex gets plus the equity is so she can work p/t (as she always did) and look after dss? (her dc) But she decided to change to full time work which has caused problems and has put more pressure on us to have dss and [IMV] been a contributor to his increasingly bad behaviour.

Dp giving up work isn't a sensible thing to consider (though we have done, as we will consider any option) and there's no way I am compromising my career/income/retirement for someone else's child.

None of that is relevant - my point is that parents who have always been the typical nuclear family really do not/cannot understand the difficulties of a split family.

Who do we ask? If we ask on a parental board you can be sure that within two posts someone will say 'it's not your child what has it got to do with you', if we ask here half the time we get the same. I'd love to ask how to deal with a 14yo who has poor behaviour (smoking now - sigh) but I know there is nowhere to get any support. Birth mothers are [understandably] very sensitive about this issue of another woman having any input to their child's life - especially if it's the OW [I am not].

People who know me face to face in RL say dss is very lucky to have me, that I do a great job, that they can see how hard it is. Which is nice.

But I can truly believe depression is higher amongst step parents. I get along better when I am working, especially at the moment because I am working away a few days a week, so I can leave him and his dad to it. Looks like he's going to be here all this week again, I'm off to London for the rest of the week from tomorrow, dp is working at home [dss is at school of course - unless he gets suspended again]. I shall see them both at the weekend.