advice needed

[shakerashakera]

Dss (5) stays at ours 3 nights a week but in the past few months its been a night at dh mums or an extra night at ours every week.
Dss mum has been sending dh very nasty texts in regards to dss stating that their house is happy home when hes not around and he makes it an unhappy home. Also saying things like she and her dp are sick of him and had enough,which we find hard to believe as he is 5 years old he behaves in the way 5 year olds behave i find him very pleasant and well mannered and enjoy his company.
Dh has suggested we have him more but she doesn't want this dss cries when its time to go back.
What can we do? we dont want to rock the boat anymore but its becoming a weekly basis dh gets these awful texts.

You don't have many options - ignore the texts, have him more, involve social services. That's about it.

If you don't want to rock the boat you have to go with the first of those.

I would guess the reason she doesn't want you to formally have him more is so she doesn't lose maints. You could, if you can afford it, offer to be the RP and still pay maints but it would need a legal agreement I expect.

One option might be to offer to have him more as a temporary option and make it clear you're happy to go on paying maintenance. Then after a few months you can either apply to get it formally recognised (and stop paying maintenance) or maybe she'll be in a better position to have DSS back with her having had a bit of a break.

Are the problems coming from her DP do you think? Is he new on the scene? If so is it possible for DSS to see his DM somewhere outside her home - eg at yours or to take him out somewhere?

It's a horrible thing to say about your own 5 year old. I would also save the texts as potential evidence if it does go to court in the future.

Poor little boy. I'm shocked that a mother would say this about her own child, especially as he's only 5 and not unusually badly behaved. Is her partner influencing her do you think.
Your DH can't ignore this. I think he should insist on having him more often. Your DSS needs to know that his dad has his back and he can trust and rely on him (and you).

Keep all the texts.
Ask her to agree to full custody.
Keep the child with you and do not send him back. If your DP has parental rights and their is no court order in place there will be little she can do.
Involve SS.
Take her to court if she doesn't agree.

I would not be allowing my child to stay with somebody that shows such utter contempt for him. I would be too worried that her anger/frustration at his presence could lead to abuse.

Your DP needs to get of his arse and protect his son. It is not a matter of rocking the boat. He has hard evidence of her dislike of her son and the fact she doesn't want him there. Your DP's responsibility lies in protecting his little boy.

It could be that she's a really horrid mother.
Or it could be that he plays up with her cos he's attached to his dad and has a better time with you both? maybe she doesn't really despise her own child and is just venting to his father as parents often do...?
Might sound ludicrous but Perhaps she just wants some support.
I mean in my own situation, if I ever have an annoying issue with my own dc I always complain to their actual father rather than my partner, who is their step father.. Because I know their real father will be more sympathetic to his own children.
But I guess if my ex's wife were to read that "our sons being a lazy so and so or has been a real git" and then he's lovely at her house, she might come to the conclusion I'm not very nice to my son..
Just giving an example.. Being devil's advocate..
Although I respect it may not be the case with your situation.
Texts can be misconstrued though...
I find a good old fashioned conversation is often the best way to clarify...

My DSD's Mum says things like that to me, "it's so much nicer at home when X is with you", "I'm so glad she's your problem half of the time" and "I can't cope with her much longer".

I find it surprising too. From what I understand DSD does behave quite badly at her Mums. Mum emails DH every few weeks to say she's had some kind of meltdown which has spiralled into a big screaming match and she doesn't know what to do with her anymore etc. It doesn't happen when DSD is here. We have general disobedience, squabbling between the siblings and quite a bit of backchat (DSD is pre-teen) but not more than that. I'm not sure why DSD behaves differently at her two homes (she does 50:50). I wish I did understand what drives it. They are two very different homes; different family set-ups, different pressures, different rules etc.

I think the fact that your DH's ex doesn't want to give up anymore time with her DS could mean that she's just venting. Maybe her DP isn't that supportive. Maybe it's him writing the texts or pressuring her into sending them. Melonfool could well be right that it's down to maintenance.

It depends how far you're willing to go really. A court won't listen to the views of a 5 year old and I don't think SS would be interested unless there was evidence of neglect or abuse. If your DH is really concerned I suggest he does what Yellowdaisies has said and tries to negotiate some extra time on a temporary basis but continues to pay maintenance.

Mummyusedtobecool makes a good point. I sent my ex a string of messages about how I was at the end of my tether with our 9 year old and getting ready in the mornings. She is a gorgeous child and we are very close, I'd be heart broken if she went to live with her dad but looking after a child on your own is very tough. I am also most inclined to direct my complaint at her real dad because 1, he knows the struggles, and 2, he will love her unconditionally where as to moan to others feels cruel to dd... Painting her in a bad light.