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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Not sure I can do this much longer

107 replies

wheresthelight · 10/06/2015 18:23

Don't get me wrong I do love my step kids I just don't like my step son very much at the moment and yes I would admit to not liking my own day times.

His attitude towards me recently has been vile and even his dad admits that I haven't done anything wrong. I have told dp that I don't think I can continue having them when he is at work as it is so bad and he has agreed but I feel awful.

I hate feeling unwelcome in my own home, the atmosphere is awful and dp is clearly upset and stuck in the middle. Dss is a nice kid when he wants but his fm never disciplines him and Ada result he is very disrespectful and I won't tolerate it. When he is called on it by his dad and told to apologise he just glares at me like I am shit on his shoes and he refuses to speak.

I have told dp I will leave and take our dd with me because I am clearly the one causing the issue even if only by my presence (I am not the ow)

I don't want to be a single mum and I love my dp dearly but I simply dont think I can do this any more.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 14/06/2015 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helsbels1978 · 14/06/2015 18:53

daftie,,,

"They didn't ask for your kids to be there! "?!?!
another disgusting post brought to you by mumsnet.

"you sound like a prime example of someone who uses science to back up their own prejudices. "
laughable on so many levels...
for a start, i prejudged NO-ONE. you prejudged me clearly, because i have a stepchild...which shows your ill-informed opinion of me to be wrong.it'd be odd if i was 'prejudiced' against a group that i am proudly a part of.
I use fact to back up my opinions. my opinions are formed as a result of facts available to me. it's really quite a logical way to go about life...you should try it.

AliceAnneB · 14/06/2015 18:58

Lock arms ladies and don't make eye contact with the bonkers birth mother! She's gone so far off piste we may have to send the Mumsnet rescue sledge.

helsbels1978 · 14/06/2015 19:00

peruvian...i find it odd that you bring sex into it?!
even when the 'cinderella effect' was first described, it was named without care for sex bias...male stepparents are more likely to hurt their children than female...but it doesn't mean we have to call it something male oriented. the fact is that a non-genetically-related parent figure has less natural empathy for their stepchildren, than they do for their own children. I find it laughable that you could argue (or get offended by) this self-evident point.

and you don't consider a 4 year old paper to be recent?!?! do you think that our society has changed significantly over that 4 years?! we are talking about psychology that has developed over millions of years.

I notice you make every effort to avoid the real facts...just blindly mew on about trifles.
i'm glad we're friends now though :-)

2boys2girls · 14/06/2015 19:02

If my children hadn't had excepted my dp at the beginning and visa versa there would not have been a relationship as I would not have moved him in and like wise when I was with my xh if I had not excepted his dc nor they me I'd have walked away, or at least took slowly for a while to see if they would etc.. Thankfully neither was an issue

Reginafalangie · 14/06/2015 19:06

I notice you make every effort to avoid the real facts...just blindly mew on about trifles.

I have been saying this for ages :-D

Quesera21 · 14/06/2015 19:13

3 cheeky - apologies wrong person.

"All those women on here who think it's OK to slate stepmothers every step of the way, should try seeing things from the stepparents' perspective."

I freely admit that my DCs have the SM from hell, but equally I see examples on here from SMs who are working hard to do their best. On this thread the OP, is not the SM from hell. The kids parents both of them are.

"Step-parents with their own kids. Step-parents who don't have their own kids. It doesn't really matter - the point is that there are a lot of women out there trying to do the right thing by kids who aren't their own, because they find themselves in that circumstance due to their partner. "

er no they and their partner made an active decision to have a relationship that incorporated DCs from both sides. The DP of whatever persuasion is in the same position - this is not a blame game

"They didn't ask for your kids to be there! Nor did they ask for you to be there!" -
Oh god that comment is so offensive on so many levels. I never wanted my DCS to have a step Mum, I never wanted to be an EX and single Mum and I sure as hell never wanted the OW to have any influence on my DCs lives. That decision was taken away from me, I had not control over and that was decided by her and their father. It is a hurt that never goes away - time changes it but it is still there.

helbels - You are living in a very different world, the majority of SMs on this forum are decent, encouragingly on some recent threads there has been utter condemnation of some SMs who have posted quite malignant posts about their DSCs.

Life is too short to be that angry helsbels

Alice Anna you have it right!!

PeruvianFoodLover · 14/06/2015 19:19

male stepparents are more likely to hurt their children than female...but it doesn't mean we have to call it something male oriented

I'm not offended by your comments though. I'm not a stepmum.

My DD has a stepmum, and I learn a great deal about how DD, and I, can make her life easier in what is a very difficult role.

Ironically, I agree with much of what you say. There are both biological and psychological basis' for why stepparents find themselves vilified and why they struggle to meet the expectations of society.

However, I do not place responsibility on this generation of stepparents to change. As you say, society takes generations to adapt. And in the mean time, I firmly believe that there are ways in which I can make my DD's stepmums life more bearable.

FantasticButtocks · 14/06/2015 19:20

I don't understand why it's ok that some posters on this thread are having their own theoretical argument instead of trying to help the OP It just seems rather bad manners. Why not take your argument elsewhere and start your own thread about whatever it is you are trying to say?

helsbels1978 · 14/06/2015 19:41

fantasticbuttocks...
i clearly stated in one of my first posts that "i believe it would help the op greatly to consider that it is BIOLOGICALLY NORMAL for her to find it more difficult to deal with a stepchild, than to deal with her own child.".
seems supportive and practical to me. most of my other posts have been logical, structured responses to the knee-jerk statements and questions that followed. To me, it's bad manners not to reply to a question. or indeed an incorrect statement.

helsbels1978 · 14/06/2015 19:45

"helbels - You are living in a very different world, the majority of SMs on this forum are decent, encouragingly on some recent threads there has been utter condemnation of some SMs who have posted quite malignant posts about their DSCs."

let's be nice and clear. quesera..you seem to be suggesting that i think a majority of sm here on this forum are not decent?! at what point have i done that?!? i have simply pointed out that there is a general trend and bias for stepparents to care less about their stepkids than their own kids. often this difference is slight...but it exists.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 14/06/2015 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeruvianFoodLover · 14/06/2015 19:52

you seem to be suggesting that i think a majority of sm here on this forum are not decent?! at what point have i done that?!? i have simply pointed out that there is a general trend and bias for stepparents to care less about their stepkids than their own kids. often this difference is slight...but it exists.

Wel, you do refer to the "biologically normal" behaviour of stepmums as "disgusting" - perhaps that has been seen by some as less than supportive?

helsbels1978 · 14/06/2015 20:09

no peruvian....if you read properly, you will see that i find our societal acceptance (and really, more importantly, our denial) of the behaviour, to be disgusting.
nice try at twisting the words though.

FantasticButtocks · 14/06/2015 20:30

I don't understand why anyone is engaging with someone who has clearly come on to the thread to have an argument, rather than to help the op. Why feed this poster's need for attention a 'discussion' on their pet theory? It is not about them and their agenda it is about the op's situation.

If you've given up op on this thread, I wouldn't blame you.

momb · 14/06/2015 20:33

I hope this weekend went better OP.
FWIW: my YD is really pushing us at the moment, and the fact that she's pushing my DH (her SDad) is testament to a level of trust and comfort in his presence she doesn't have with strangers. Even her (barely present)n Dad doesn't deal with her struggles the way DH (and I and other DDs) do.
Although it doesn't feel like it: it may be a positive thing about how your SS perceives your relationship.

PeruvianFoodLover · 14/06/2015 20:40

i find our societal acceptance (and really, more importantly, our denial) of the behaviour, to be disgusting.

So, in your opinion, society is disgusting for accepting something that you say is proven to be "biologically normal"?

I guess it explains why you're posting on this thread.

helsbels1978 · 14/06/2015 21:22

fantasticbuttocks...
you seemed keen to engage until your argument was dissected. simple solution...if you don't have anything intelligent to say, don't try.

helsbels1978 · 14/06/2015 21:33

Peruvian...
you said "So, in your opinion, society is disgusting for accepting something that you say is proven to be "biologically normal"?"

yes...

there are lots of biologically normal instincts that we should strive to fight as a society.
it's biologically normal for the strongest individual to take things from the weakest...survival of the fittest, right?! but we have to fight that urge to have a better society...don't you agree?!

it's biologically normal for a male to breed with multiple partners and leave those women to raise the children (it means he leaves more of 'his' genes for the next generation)...shouldn't we fight that particular instinct?!

i'm not trying to argue with you...but you keep raising weird points that are easilly refuted. I have no wish to hijack this thread...i made my point quite simply over the course of 2 posts. then the cattle began moo-ing in with poorly formed arguments that simply have to be answered. i can't, in all good conscience, allow you to excercise such poor reasoning without at least trying to show you the cold, hard logic of your lack of understanding.

i understand the pressure of having a stepchild. i understand the natural condition of having more instinctive 'love' for my child than for someone else's... but i also understand that those base genetic urges can (and should) be overcome. that's all. i'm amused by your objection to my position though...it's very cute.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 14/06/2015 22:09

Thank you so much for utterly derailing my thread

OP posts:

LineRunner · 14/06/2015 22:41

whersthelight How are things for you this weekend? It's bloody hard, I know.

FantasticButtocks · 14/06/2015 22:44

I tried OP but I'm afraid this poster was utterly determined to take over with their own agenda, utterly rude and selfish, and totally unstoppable, and unfortunately others were provoked into responding. A determined sabotage.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 15/06/2015 20:32

Fantastic yeah I saw thanks! Shame some people are so self absorbed that they have to complete bulldoze other people's threads.

Line runner - his behaviour was a lot better, I basically kept out the way and left dp to it. I am just gonna take it day by day. Dd is really poorly so to be honest can't be bothered with him and his dramatics. My focus will be dd. plus I am going out this wed and have refused to arrange a babysitter for his kids as I don't trust dss's behaviour so have told him he needs to arrange something or tell his edge can't have them as he is working. She isn't happy but they are going back to hers. Probably a good job as I have a huge meeting at work so wouldn't be home to collect them from school anyway

OP posts:

daftgeranium · 15/06/2015 21:27

glad to hear it wheresthelight. hang on in there..... :)

TheMumsRush · 15/06/2015 22:01

Hope dd is on the mend soon wheresthe,

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