Not sure I can do this much longer

[wheresthelight]

Don't get me wrong I do love my step kids I just don't like my step son very much at the moment and yes I would admit to not liking my own day times.

His attitude towards me recently has been vile and even his dad admits that I haven't done anything wrong. I have told dp that I don't think I can continue having them when he is at work as it is so bad and he has agreed but I feel awful.

I hate feeling unwelcome in my own home, the atmosphere is awful and dp is clearly upset and stuck in the middle. Dss is a nice kid when he wants but his fm never disciplines him and Ada result he is very disrespectful and I won't tolerate it. When he is called on it by his dad and told to apologise he just glares at me like I am shit on his shoes and he refuses to speak.

I have told dp I will leave and take our dd with me because I am clearly the one causing the issue even if only by my presence (I am not the ow)

I don't want to be a single mum and I love my dp dearly but I simply dont think I can do this any more.

Wheresthe, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Like linerunner said, what reason does mum had for the special treatment of dss? It sounded like you have dp backing you 100%, that's half the battle

What kind of things do you do with just DSS? Once you share a set of 1/2 siblings I don't think you can put it all at arms length and hope DP sorts it.

We do special time (The Incredible Years) with our lot and it's made a huge difference. 30 minutes each day of the weekends it's 1:1 time and the child dictates what you do. My DSS is 11 and usually he wants to play video games. As a result I'm quite formidable in Marvel fighting games! He is far easier for me to handle since I actively started to bond with him. For a while I did refuse to have some charge of him. It can get better.

How long have you been in their lives? I found it took us a solid 3-4 years to really gel as a family.

I would say a SM is the other responsible adult in the household...certainly not a mother figure, and should not be expected or required to be!!!

Im sure that some stepmums are a mother figure to their DSC and have a very successful family life like that. But I find it 'odd' to think that is the way it should be for everyone. It's surely easy to see lots of reasons why that might not be a) necessary or b) desirable. For example in my case I was quite young when I met DSS and had no interest in or ability to mother a child. I didn't need to be a mother because DP was/is a fully effective father, doing all the pick ups/bedtimes/comforting/ disciplining. And I am pretty sure I have a better relationship with DSS as an adult friend/aunt figure than I would if I tried to be a mother to him.

Anyway, sidetracksidetrack.

I really sympathise with you OP, it sounds so hard. How does your DSS'S disrespect for you manifest? Is there any way you can detach and ignore even if it's not in your nature? Would it help to just not give a reaction if that's what he is looking for? Or has it gone beyond that point?

I do not think that it is unreasonable of you to ensure that he does not come unless your DP is there. If I have read your posts correctly - you used to have him when your DP was not at work and it is his mom that changed it to EOW regardless. That clearly isn't working so not unreasonable to revert back to the previous arrangements. It doesn't have to change the pattern with DSD if that works well. In fact your DSS may prefer this anyway.

You don't want to leave your DH, he doesn't want you to, the thing to me that seems to have started this is the arrangements.

FWIW I frequently have both DSD and DSS regardless of whether DH or my own DS is there or not and that is fine it works for s because they are expected to behave and show me respect. If they did not then DH and his ex would have to make alternative arrangements the same as my DH often watches (well as much as you can a nearly 16YO) my DS and has done once he was LO (lived together about 11 years about) because the same rules apply, if DS was disrespectful DH would not have had him and that would have impacted on me and my ability to work.

ALL family members who share residence be it full time or part time need to understand that basic respect of each other is a requirement, even if they do not like someone particularly at times and this is all you are asking.

There is a huge difference between being a mother figure and being a other to them. I do the mum stuff of washing and buying clothes, food shopping and cooking etc. but sorting them out when they are vile is not my job, not even close. They have parents for that. I am not and have no intention of being their parent.

I would insist that anyone who was that disrespectful to me in my own home left so it's not just dss!

I have been in their lives for about 4 years so it's not new. And to be honest he goes through phases of this behaviour. The school are pretty sick of it and have involved the educational psychiatrist in it but neither dss or his mum will engage. She dismisses it and says the behaviour is in school therefore it's their issue not hers.

Her 'special' attitude comes from her having a traumatic birth, complications, emergency c section and some pretty rough months when he was a baby. She smothers him and won't allow him to grow up but equally refuses to let him socialise and as a result he is awkward and withdrawn and has the single most self absorbed personality of anyone I have ever met. Everything is his way or no way. Which unfortunately is exactly how his mum is.

Dp spoke to dsd on the way to school this morning and she out of the blue and totally unprompted said some pretty telling things. He behaves the same at home towards her (she is 9.5) to the point that he didn't agree with how she had chosen to build something on minecraft so completely deleted it. She is devastated as it had taken her hours to do. He got very verbally aggressive towards her yesterday because he insisted she must be doing her sats at school and she said she wasn't. He was vile and told her she was stupid and of course they were doing them. Dsd hates it because her dm won't tell him off and just lets him get away with it but if she retaliates then she gets told offend punished. Dp is going to try and get his ex to engage when he collects them tomorrow but I think it might be best to make use of the ed psych next week and see what they suggest.

What is your dp doing to support you? How is dss punished or otherwise dealt when he treats you badly?

It sounds like no one is making it clear to dss that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Dp grounds him, removes privileges like being able to go to the park on his own, cancels treats for dss when his behaviour escalates. His tactics are to try and explain why it's wrong and tries to relate it to how dss gets treated by the older kids at school but to be honest because he goes home and gets told by his mum that it's all ok and daddy is just mean. Which is unfortunately how things were when they were married. She has told me herself that she doesn't believe in telling him off or telling him no.

When we are battling that sort of an attitude nothing is ever going to change.

The thing that concerns me most is her own dp refuses to have them in the house when she isn't there or when his own kids aren't there (he is rp). Everyone except his mum can see the problem

Alice I have tried to get involved with him on a 121 basis but here disease speak to me. He will put his hand in front of his face so as no to have to look at me. I have finally got to the point where I am done. I am doing nothing further for him. I am not cooking, cleaning, washing, giving lifts. Nothing. Dp is not happy about it but he does understand why. And he fully supports that his son needs to learn to respect people.

I think that's fine wheres, as a short term solution.

Has he processed his parents' separation properly? He sounds so angry, could counselling help him?

I wouldn't put up with being treated like that in my own house by my child or a step child, and I think by accepting it you wouldn't be doing him any favours.

Presuming that there are no other issues here, I think taking a hard line is fair enough.

Personally I think the biggest issue is that his mum refuses to allow the kids to know the reason behind their separation so I think he blames me (I wasn't involved at all his mum had an affair and kicked out dp) and he is a very black and white personal so he struggles with not knowing. I think he blames me and she is happy to let him I think. I am just guessing but it would make sense based on his behaviour.

She doesn't want him to hate her which as a mum I understand but equally allowing him to treat me so horrifically is not helping him grow into the wonderful young man he could be.

We have tried for years to let it slide and it has just got worse. My biggest fear is that if he is allowed to continue on the current path then he is going to become a truly awful adult.

He has times where he is lovely, when I was really ill earlier in the year he fetched me drinks without asking, cuddled on the sofa with me and was adorable but those moments are so few and far between.

His mum and stepdad are in the process of moving house so I wondered if he was unsettled but according to dsd he has been vile at home for months too

fastwindow...great post

Not criticising you OP

Your DSS wants time with his Dad, he is a boy surrounded by girls and he comes to see Dad - not you. I actually do not blame him for getting stroppy with the situation. He is asking for his Dad to parent him first - not follow up on your discipline.

Your DP needs to step up and sort it out, having a go at him is not going to help. The alleged lack of discipline from his mother is irrelevant -he needs his father to be a father figure.

melon - you comment is offensive. Contact time is for the NRP to see their kids and said NRP is in control of what happens during that time. The RP does not get a say in what they do, see, or who looks after them. To suggest it is a time for the RP to get free child care is uncalled for. The kids, father, in this case, is supposed to be doing his parental duty and looking after his own DCs - there is nothing " free" about it for the RP.

His time, his responsibility and his costs oh and stop treating his DP like a doormat and then being all conciliatory after the event.He needs to get off his arse and parent his DSS.

Having been in a similar situation with my DSS, you are not there to be childcare. If contact is for him to spend time with his father and he is at work then he can stay with his other parent, especially if he is difficult.

It is not fair to expect you to spend time with a child who is disrespectful and rude.

12 is just the start of the horrid teens, set the ground rules now!

Thanks helsbels, I appreciate that.

OK maybe 'mother figure' wasn't the right word. Semantics, how about 'responsible adult who treats you the same as his or her own children whilst under same roof'

Of course it depends on the age of the stepchild. I have a stepdad in name. My dm married him when I was 17, and I have never lived under the same roof as him. I refer to him as stepdad, but he once admitted that he does not love either myself or my younger sister (who did in fact live with them for three years from 14-17) which I thought was a bit harsh. However, I was late 30s by then so took that one on the chin he's a bit of a twat anyway

Op you are not the problem, but neither is your poor dss. I'd point the finger squarely at your DH inability to manage the relationship. Limits and rules have to be set, children can't do that by themselves, and if the adults don't have a clear plan, what chance do the stepchildren have of figuring out where they fit?

Poor situation and I feel for you.

Firstly, I can't think what was 'offensive' in anything Melon has said! Secondly, I'd be pointing the finger most definitely at the DM in this case!! She has a very strange way of parenting, basically she is enabling/encouraging her child to grow up thinking the whole world revolves around him, and that his needs and wants are paramount over everyone else's...particularly it seems those of his poor sister! You, OP are taking the brunt of his behaviour, and because he's being allowed to be offensive, he is not learning that it's unacceptable. I would say, it's not just DSS who needs proffesional help (and his DF should ensure this), his DM does too, because she is damaging her children!!

Quesera21

Maybe you might re-read my post and see that I was saying the same as you have gone on to say?

it is not free childcare for the RP.

No it is not free child care for the RP, the OP is not giving the mother free chilcare, she is givng her DP and the father free childcare, that has nothing to do with the mother - the other parent needs to sort his act out. I get sick to death of the oft spouted opinion on this forum that contact time with the other parent is a favour to the RP - it is not. It is part of being a responsible parent

But dumping said child back with the mother everytime is a cop out and once again the DF is failing to take responsibility. Longstanding behaviour now being compounded by the onset of teen years.

quesera I agree, it is totally unreasonable, IMO, to say as calico has, that "if the father is not available, the child should stay with the mother".

Both parents have a responsibility towards the DC. If one parent is unable to meet their agreed responsibilities, then it is (again, IMO) reasonable to ask the other if they would like Or be willing for the child to spend that time with them (I have a right of first refusal arrangement with my ex), but equally, the parent who has originally agreed to be responsible for the DCs should be prepared to make childcare arrangements of their own choosing.

In the OPs case, it sounds like her DSS mum and dad have renegotiated the distribution of responsibilities so that the DCs spend more time in their dads care, and the OPs DP has failed to consider how he would achieve that, hence the OP is picking up the pieces.

Well, I never said it was free childcare for the RP, I specifically said it wasn't. Not sure why you can't see that.

I think the issue in my case comes because his ex does use me as free childcare. When her dp gets fed up of the kids bad behaviour he refuses to have them in his house and as up until a few months ago I was a sahp to dd she would ring me and demand I had them even though she knew dp was working. Any suggestion that it was convenient was met with threats to remove all contact. I agreed to do some childcare for my dp when he was at work - if she wants the lifestyle maintaining then he has to work the shifts he does in order to pay for it - what I never signed up for was for her to ditch the kids on me or throw a hissy for because the only week I can get off in the summer is the only week she can get off so she won't allow us to have them which is fair enough but now because we have said they can only come on dps days off she is not happy that she won't get any full weeks without them.

She doesn't see it as time with their dad she sees it as time she doesn't have to deal with them. Which is fine but when she then uses contact against him it makes it hard and k think contributes a lot to dss behaviour

"Contact is for the child to spend time with the NR parent, not for the RP to get free childcare"

Your words - I do not and nor do most RPs, see that contact time is free childcare. It is about their other parent, parenting their child. There is nothing free or a gift to me about it.

I didn't say you, or any RP did! You are misreading my comment/intent. But you're clearly determined to so I'll leave you to it.

I've reread the entire thread and not one poster has mentioned love for their stepchildren.