Not sure I can do this much longer

[wheresthelight]

Don't get me wrong I do love my step kids I just don't like my step son very much at the moment and yes I would admit to not liking my own day times.

His attitude towards me recently has been vile and even his dad admits that I haven't done anything wrong. I have told dp that I don't think I can continue having them when he is at work as it is so bad and he has agreed but I feel awful.

I hate feeling unwelcome in my own home, the atmosphere is awful and dp is clearly upset and stuck in the middle. Dss is a nice kid when he wants but his fm never disciplines him and Ada result he is very disrespectful and I won't tolerate it. When he is called on it by his dad and told to apologise he just glares at me like I am shit on his shoes and he refuses to speak.

I have told dp I will leave and take our dd with me because I am clearly the one causing the issue even if only by my presence (I am not the ow)

I don't want to be a single mum and I love my dp dearly but I simply dont think I can do this any more.

Surely it's just known ? Don't have to state that we love our dsc? I certainlydo ,
I do feel a little sorry for dss I think t

Think there's some underlying issues and he could do with some help,

Then you haven't read very well fastwindow because my opening statement was that I love my step kids

I agree he needs help but when neither he nor his mum will engage with the help on offer what do we do?

Fast - I do not expect my EXs DP to love my children. You can not make someone love someone.

I do expect her to care for them when in her home, treat them well and fairly, respect their right to a relationship with their father and his new family.

I also expect my DCs, to treat her with the same respect they do any adult and abide by the house rules in their fathers house. They can talk to me about issues in that house when they are there and I will give them advice on tackling them with their father - not me. I do not expect them to like her, love her, behave badly, be rude or ignore her - only they can decide who they want to like, love or care for and that is influenced by the relationship she fosters.

I expect no more and have no influence on that - sadly she fails on all of the above, she does treat them unfairly, badly, ignores them, and shows no respect for their relationship with their father.

Not the case with the OP.

Quesera21 that is all I ask and I truly wish my dscs mum was as sensible as you. I don't expect them to love me and I don't mind if they don't like me. However this is my home too and I do expect to be treated with respect.

I do love the bones of those kids which is probably why his behaviour gets me so upset. If I didn't love them then I would have put a huge stop to the blame placed at my feet over their parents split and would set them straight. However much I dislike her and her method of parenting I love the kids too much to destroy their relationship with her or hurt them in any way.

Dss has been much better this weekend, his dad has made it very clear that he will not tolerate his son being disrespectful and for once his ex has actually backed us up and has told dss that his behaviour has been unacceptable and she is very disappointed.

Thank you to the ladies who have understood my point and my frustration and have offered sensible advice.

It is hard, so many times I want to open my mouth!

Respect is such a difficult concept - my eldest now 9, told me hates her with justified and well argued reasons .Recently, DC said, she does not respect me so why should I respect her just because it is her house and she is an adult.

Very difficult conversation about what respect was and agreed that being polite to her was enough, as she had not done enough to earn their respect.

I asked what it would take for them to respect her and the response was sad -
say hello to me when we arrive,
not cover our room with her clothes when she knows we are coming,
talk to me,
not shout at me,
not let her DCs get treats when we do not,
cook food we like ( big issue)
and let us sit next to Daddy on the sofa.

I then find out that when they sit down together in the evening, they have to sit on the floor ( large sofa) - she sits next to Dad and her DCS on the rest of the sofa. Accompanied by photo proving it on his tablet.

Respect is undoubtedly earned and no one can expect it as a right.

That is awful! I do expect theirs to give up their seat on the sofa for me it more because I have a problem sitting on hard surfaces after I fractured my coccyx but they spend hours climbing all over their dad, cuddling up etc and I would never stop that! They are ultimately here to see him not me so I try and stay out the way. I do my best to keep dd out the way but since I went back to worksheet gets no time with her dad without the dscs so it shard. Plus she absolutely worships they round her big brother walks on, he is her absolute hero so she hates not being with them

Oh please!!
If step mums were allowed to treat the dsc as their own then they would be able to discipline bad behaviour and set rules and boundaries.
It has to work both ways.
I'm sick of seeing posts telling us we must mother these children but we mustn't overstep or God forbid tell them off.
Whatever the reason Where's dss is behaving badly and treating her with no respect and his parents are allowing it.
No wonder you have had enough where - I'd have gone a long time ago!

hooby - am not sure anyone thinks they should not be told off by their SM if appropriate and I have no issue with that for my DCS.

Human nature is you will prefer one of your DCs over another DC - in terms of attitude, love, personality etc - I think this then gets compounded with step children.

The ability to be fair with all the DCs or all persuasions is what I want and most parents want.

I know 3 monkeys does not allow photos /video in the house by her DSD. For me is has been invaluable in confirming that my DCS were not the little exaggerrating liars they were being made out to be. However, all that they videoed was not bad, I saw them playing happily with her DCs and I heard some appalling behaviour by her. The most telling was when the ipad got left on recording the sound but no picture. The words were awful - there was no justification for speaking to any child or adult like she did.

It's never even crossed my mind to think about photos being taken in the house, we often do.
Re the sofa thing - last night dss and his mate were on the main sofa scoffing Doritos and dips, and rocky road, while I was squished on the little sofa.

I think it's a bit odd to be jealous of a child and not allow them time with their parent. dss and dp often sit together, they play fight, I encourage them to camp put, go fishing etc.

Sorry op yes you did. Apologies.

quesera,

sorry to hear how things are for your kids. simple fact is that many stepparents (as human beings who are inherently quite a selfish group) have no interest in bonding with theis stepkids. as animals, it is fairly natural for them to be unfairly biased in favour of their own children. i'llgo for an extreme example...if a dominant male lion comes into an existing pride, what's the first thing it does?! kills the existing cubs.

Of course it's disgusting that we tolerate this type of bias in stepparents (as we are now supposed to be 'enlightened' higher animals)...and that's where we need to change as a species.

it's no suprise that so much of our fairy stories and legends involve a wicked stepparent of some kind...it's just a fact in so many cases. the sooner we accept it and stop pretending otherwise, the sooner we can fix it.

and before the howls of unfair analysis begin, the 'cinderella effect' is widely accepted by psychologists.
according to roach and pease in a recent, peer-reviewed, paper... "stepchildren in Canada, Great Britain, and the United States incur greatly elevated risk of child maltreatment of various sorts, especially lethal beatings". If we want to look at extremes, it's known (through verified statistics from numerous government agencies and medical records) that step parents are, depending on country of statistics, up to a hundred times more likely to kill a child than biological parents.
so, you know, we should really deal with those facts.

Maybe you could put your anti step parent vitriol on a forum that isn't intended to support step parents and a thread where a step parent is trying to find a way through some difficult times? I am sure there must be many such fora as we are all so evil.

oh melonfool
i didn't say all stepparents were evil. i made it quite clear that there is a biologically evolved bias. it's not "anti step parent vitriol", it's a fact accepted by pyschologists, doctors, law enforcement, zoologists, and anyone who can dare to seperate themselves from the emotional shackles of the unpleasant truth.
i can promise you, if you speak to any professional with a background in the field, they would agree that we have to accept the hard facts if we are to move forward on this issue in general.
i notice that your ad-hominem attack on me didn't actually present any counter-argument to my points.
your response was the (upsettingly typical) "you have said something challenging and true...so you should go away and post elsewhere"

melonfool, i believe it would help the op greatly to consider that it is BIOLOGICALLY NORMAL for her to find it more difficult to deal with a stepchild, than to deal with her own child. accepting our limits and true nature is the only way we can hope to progress.

Of course it's disgusting that we tolerate this type of bias in stepparents (as we are now supposed to be 'enlightened' higher animals)...and that's where we need to change as a species.

Why? As a society, we have laws in place to deal with abuse and cruelty - including when a stepparent abuses or ill treats a stepchild. Why do step parents need to be held to a higher level of accountability?

Arguably, a child is less at risk from abuse from their stepparent than their own parent, as in a step-situation, the parent is there to provide a degree of protection. Unlike in a lion pride, a child's parent is not excluded from the pack, or killed, if she defends her cubs!

Why is it necessary for our species to change? Why is our current social model "disgusting"?

peruvian

You claim "Arguably, a child is less at risk from abuse from their stepparent than their own parent". No, you are wrong...ALL the verified, long-term stats show that a child is more at risk. honestly. you have a computer, go look it up.

Daly and Wilson carried out the most respected scientific research into this...their conclusion?!? "children residing with stepparents have a higher risk of abuse even when all other significant factors are considered".

We do have laws to protect kids...but the bias that exists does NOT only lead to death at the hands of 'evil stepparents'. Other contributors to this thread have given accounts of their children being unfairly treated by step parents in far more subtle ways (no treats compared to their stepsiblings, being treated with less patience etc...).

"Why is it necessary for our species to change"?!? are you serious?!? you ask "Why is our current social model "disgusting"?". Let's think about that...shall i list some general problems with our social system?!

a)(and on topic) children are up to 100 times more likely to be seriously injured by a stepparent.
b) children aged 0-1 year old are statistically the MOST likely age group to be murdered in the UK (official Home Office statistics...look 'em up)
c) more than 90% of the world's wealth is held by less than 10% of the world's population.
d) we're literally killing the planet and wiping out entire species
e)there are children suffering from malnutrition in THIS country.

your attitude is laughable, my friend

Hi OP I've just typed out a long post and lost it and come back to find your thread has been taken over by some people wanting to have a discussion about something else

The gist of what I was going to say was that you need to stick with protecting your boundaries (which seem very healthy and firm) and not go down the route of I'm obviously the one that's a problem, I'll leave etc. this child is behaving badly and needs parenting by his actual parents to sort it out. In the meantime you keep making sure they know where your line is and what you will and won't do. If his dad has him for contact, from now on he needs to make other arrangements if he has to work or whatever. There need to be consequences for dss's behaviour towards you and anyone else he is unpleasant to. Sounds like your DH has started.

Here's a great book about boundaries

helsbels Thank you for that reference, although I'm not sure I'd describe Roach and Pease paper as recent; it is 4 years old.

It is rather disingeuous to refer to the findings of Daly and Wilson back in 1988 as supportive of the Cinderella story, though. The research done in the USA, Canada and Australia specifically cites an increased risk to children at the hands of a male stepparent - whereas the "wicked stepparent" referred to in fairy tales is invariably female.

It is, in fact, a oft-expressed injustice felt by stepmums that step-fathers are rarely vilified in fiction or the media in the way that stepmothers are. far from being based on the fidings of the paper you quoted, it seems that there are other factors at play.

Of course, the literary history of those fairy stories are well known - originally, they portrayed mothers as wicked and evil - they were rewritten to accomodate the maternal sensitivities of victorian mothers. THere is very little to link the Psych research you cite with the Cinderella story, my friend!

Well said last poster, that gets to grips with all of this, and it's practical.

and helsbels - you really do need to get a grip. you sound like a prime example of someone who uses science to back up their own prejudices.

All those women on here who think it's OK to slate stepmothers every step of the way, should try seeing things from the stepparents' perspective. Step-parents with their own kids. Step-parents who don't have their own kids. It doesn't really matter - the point is that there are a lot of women out there trying to do the right thing by kids who aren't their own, because they find themselves in that circumstance due to their partner. They didn't ask for your kids to be there! Nor did they ask for you to be there!

It isn't easy. But these women deserve support and open-mindedness, not criticism. As does this OP, who is clearly having a tough time.

So please stop over-generalising to the point of offensiveness. It's women like you who get the step-parents' pages on Mumsnet a bad name.