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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ok, I'm sharing too much now!

26 replies

FeelTheNoise · 07/06/2015 22:24

We have 12 yo DSD full time, which has been challenging, but is now getting much better.

I've just been up for a shower, and my razor and tweezers have been used I can't share these! DSD has her own, but keeps her bathroom stuff in her room while helping herself to mine if I ask her not to, she will have a hissy fit. I've put my sponge bags in my room, but I shouldn't have to!

OP posts:

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Wdigin2this · 07/06/2015 23:19

Oh dear, you think things are improving and then...bam, something else comes up! Under no circumstances should your DSD be using your personal items...no way! And you shouldn't have to be hiding things from her, you're going to have to be very firm in telling her that you wouldn't use her stuff, so she should not, must not use yours...and you'll have to get her DF on board too! Good luck with that!!

Melonfool · 07/06/2015 23:58

Yep, dss constantly takes my stuff to use, not personal stuff so much, but headphones, all sorts of tech stuff like chargers, oh towels (which annoys me immensely cos he and dp both get athletes foot and I don't), shoes.......

Recently he took a sex toy from my bedside table. It was at this point I had a meltdown over it all.

You need to be really stern with her. I guess if you were her mother maybe you wouldn't mind, I don't know, and I do sometimes feel mean about getting annoyed that things have been moved, but if you are unhappy with it you need to tell her.

Wdigin2this · 08/06/2015 10:46

OMG....Melon!!! He went into your bedside table and took a sex toy??? How old is he, did he know what it was?? I would have been soooo angry, not to mention mortified, no wonder you had a meltdown, time for some serious discussions about what is/isn't acceptable behaviour in the home!

stepmothersknockers · 08/06/2015 11:58

I do let my DSD use bathroom stuff - because I don't mind if my own DD does this. I don't like it!! But it seems unreasonable to make this into a battleground when it's really a visceral reaction to her not being my own child. (i.e. I don't mind when it's my DD.)

Sex toys errr no...

CaptainAnkles · 08/06/2015 12:00

Missing the point sightly but why did your stepson take a sex toy?
And OP, regardless of whether she'll get cross, you should be able to tell her that your things belong to you and are not available for her to use.

Maybe83 · 08/06/2015 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FeelTheNoise · 08/06/2015 12:43

Thank you all for understanding it's a rarity for me!

I spoke to DP, he initially didn't understand the fuss. I explained that it's that very razor that removes any hair, including pubes! I stated that it's for my foof only he will have a word later! I'm happy to give her a razor from my packet, but she does need to ask!

This'll be fun as she was awful this morning shouted at me etc. Bloody hell

OP posts:

Melonfool · 08/06/2015 13:20

He took it from inside my bedside table drawer. About a year before he went in the drawer without us knowing - until he told his mother in front of some friends of hers that I had sex toys in my bedside drawer. Stern words were had then.

He is 14, I think he knew what it was, he certainly knew he doesn't go in our room at all without permission, let alone in drawers. I don't know why he took it, I wasn't really interested in why, but I think it may have happened when he had a friend round.

MeridianB · 08/06/2015 14:10

Melon, I'd mention it to him myself. Look him right in the eye and ask for it back and ask why he took it. He should be embarrassed rather than you.

Feel, that is just grim. How would she feel if you used hers?! Not sure why a 12-year-old wants tweezers anyway...

MeridianB · 08/06/2015 14:12

Oh and Melon, no more friends round as a punishment, until he shows he can behave maturely.

I'm rather grumpy today

Melonfool · 08/06/2015 17:32

I'm not embarrassed, why would I be? I was just cross (it wasn't there when I wanted it...) he went in our room, went in my personal space and took something.

I'm not asking him about it, that's his father's job, and it was weeks ago now. And as I said to the OP, it's not my role to decide and dish out punishments. But he's only had a mate round twice this year so he wouldn't notice if we banned that really.

We are past that one now, he's had his sanctions, but I am sure there will be other times we can think up fun punishments .

Original poster

FeelTheNoise · 08/06/2015 19:08

Melon for him to go into your room with a friend is a massive intrusion! It is hard, because DSD would have definitely had a free reign of her parents room when they were together, but it's a barrier I'm not able to relax about

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 08/06/2015 20:39

Melon, you viewed this 'sex toy' situation in a much more composed manner than I could have, and I'm impressed you didn't get embarrassed especially as DSS is a teen, so ??????. I think if that whole scenario had happened to me, I would have been devastated....and it would very likely have coloured my feelings towards DSS!!

Wdigin2this · 08/06/2015 20:40

Sorry that was meant to be applause!!!

Wdigin2this · 08/06/2015 20:48

FeelTheNoise, no matter what happened in the past, if you consider your bedroom your to be your sanctuary (and I certainly do) then DSD has to accept that, and her DF has to be on board with it....it's not too much to ask!!

Melonfool · 08/06/2015 22:15

Oh, I had a massive meltdown, but more at dp than at dss. You know, teenage boys are little shits, twas ever thus. I have a younger brother, he was a vile teen. I used to go through my parents' stuff, I know it's all learning.

But I couldn't accept dp's view that "well, he owned up (when we asked him) and that's enough", no punishment. I went mental. I left the house and didn't come back for several hours. Sadly my car battery went flat and I had to call dp to collect me

dss was made to write me an apology letter, which made him think, and he list a month's allowance.

But we've only lived together two years. some of these boundaries are still fledgling.

But, I get cross if he borrows a stapler and doesn't put it back so I'd be fuming at my razor being used.

Wdigin2this · 08/06/2015 22:23

Yeah, I agree teens, boys particularly, are vile creatures...but 'owning up' would not have been enough for me either!! Shame about the car battery, you should have booked into a plush hotel for the night, using his credit card!!

Needaglassofwinedotcom · 08/06/2015 22:42

I have the same. Dsd helps herself to my toiletries. I have to hide them away, she then goes through my drawers/wardrobe to find them - makes me fume :(

yellowdaisies · 08/06/2015 22:46

Don't give her a razor from your packet. Buy her her own packet in a different colour Some people are just a bit sloppy about ownership of a personal items. Best to make it as clear as possible whose are whose.

Wdigin2this · 08/06/2015 23:50

I can't believe that teenagers apparently think it's acceptable to go through an adult's bedroom drawers and cupboards, looking for stuff that doesn't belong to them, and then to just use personal items without asking! I would not have expected my own DC to do this, (and they never did) much less DSC! Where are their manners, and sense of what's acceptable and appropriate?! And no, I never did it as a teenager...I knew full well it wasn't allowed, so wouldn't have dared!

Needaglassofwinedotcom · 09/06/2015 09:01

I agree Whdin. I never did either. I have said its unacceptable numerous times but there is no change :(

Wdigin2this · 09/06/2015 10:54

This thread has outraged me, what next, helping themselves to your handbag or purse?? You should all keep up the battle, don't let it become the norm or acceptable, and if partners are not on board with you, do whatever it takes to make them see that this is hurting you badly...and I mean WHATEVER it takes!!!

ChinUpChestOut · 09/06/2015 11:05

You could also use this as a neat little opportunity to

a) acknowledge that she is growing up and wants to look and smell nice and

b) gently teach her boundaries about personal stuff.

You could get her a little basket of razors, nice shampoo conditioner shower gel etc and tell her you know how much she likes nice toiletries, and these are her own. But she'll have to look after them carefully though, and not leave them lying around, or your DCs/DP will swipe them........

hoobygalooby · 09/06/2015 11:56

Oh My Goodness. That would be my deal breaker. I would be livid if DSD did this.
She went through a stage at the beginning of spraying my perfume about and I had a stern word with her about it. Then DP bought her a bottle of her own (£50 a bottle!!!!!) for her birthday so she would lay off mine!!

Original poster

FeelTheNoise · 09/06/2015 12:29

To be honest, she has so many toiletries of her own, all of which are either name labelled in the bathroom or stored in her room. She does have a perfectly good sense of boundaries, when it comes to her own stuff!

She is going through a 'thing' of not wanting anything from me. Anything she wants, she asks DP or MIL for, even if I have what she needs. I understand that, and am ok with that, but if she can't ask me for stuff, she can't just use it anyway! She has so many bottles of things because every time she goes out with MIL, she returns with presents, and that is at least twice each week!

We did all have a talk, and I pointed out that she has told me she has her own tweezers; she said she couldn't find them, and my response was that unless you ask and get permission, you don't use irrespective of whether she has lost her stuff or not.

We have had issues with her going through my stuff before we all moved in, and I don't think she would dare risk getting caught out again! I was livid. Since we moved in we have heard her doing a make up tutorial in her room (not for posting online, just pretending); it was really sweet, until she listed the products she recommends, which are basically the contents of my make up bag! I know it's sweet that she emulates me, but I still want that space that is my own, that is not encroached by all the minefield issues that come with being a step parent, that space is just MINE

OP posts:

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