Mum is happy for child to think she has two dads, but not two mums.. help

[rorowinner]

Hi everyone,

Im new to this, so i don't know all the acronyms, but here goes.

My partners daughter is 3, and has always lived with her mum. Mum got married 18 months ago, and I am due to marry my partner in the next few months.

We recently set up a youtube channel to document some fun times we have with her, nothing more. She doesn't feature on many of the videos and nothing posted is inappropriate. we checked with her mum before we began posting and all was good.

now she is saying she doesnt like it and doesnt want her daughter all over the internet. This has grated me and my partner because her facebook is full of posts, photos and videos.

Other thing is, little girl said 'i have two daddies' the other day, and in order to not confuse her, I said 'this is your real daddy, but you also have two mummies. me and mummy'

Apparently shes not happy with this because step dad, her partner does more so is entitled to be called dad, but i dont do as much so im not entitled.
what.

It annoys me that she thinks this kind of situation is going to be totally fair and totally 50/50 - these rarely are!

has anyone got any advice for me? shes really hard to talk to and always tries to make me feel like the wicked witch, and used the fact that she has little girl more to pass her own opinions as fact and the last word :(

" in order to not confuse her, I said 'this is your real daddy, but you also have two mummies. me and mummy' "

how would that not confuse her? She does not have two mummies, she has her mum and her dad's partner.

She doesn't have two mummies. Nor does she have two daddies. You need to get your DP to sort it out.

I would not dream of telling someone else's dd that I was her 'other mummy' - that poor child.

We had this situation also. DSD announced in the car one day that 'if mummy marries my stepdad, that means I'll have two daddies'. DP had a very intense conversation with the ex and DSD has since been corrected.

Your fiancée needs to deal with his ex.

hi,
yeah i understand your replies..

i dont want her to call me mummy or second mummy or anything like that, i wasnt trying to give myself a name, i have a nickname and thats cool.. but i was trying to let her know that she has me as well as her mum, in the same way she has her dad and her mums partner.

little girlie calls her step dads parents by nan and stuff, but i wouldnt be allowed to include my parents in that..

but you said that you told her that she has 'two mummies'!
um no she doesnt , she has just the one.
the cheek of these 'new partners' is breathtaking!

Sorry, your post confused me because I know a child who has "two daddies and two mummies". Child is the result of an agreed liaison between female A (in a LTR with female B) and male C (in a LTR with male D). Both couples share parental duties.

You're not her mummy, and your partner's ex's DP (confusing writing this) is not her daddy. She has a Mother who has a partner, and a Father who has a partner.

Sorry, that sounded far harsher than I intended it to; her mother is her mother, her father is her father. Nobody else is - they are step-parents.

With regard to the videos, I think you should speak to DP. Fine to have these events for your own personal record, but I'm not sure I'd be very happy to have multiple videos of my DC on the internet.

I get how frustrating negotiating boundaries and the only real advice I can give you is to let things pass.

Your DSD does not have two dads or 2 moms she has a mom and step dad and a dad and a step mom. The best answer you could have given s just to say well your lucky because you have so many people that love you - or something equally as no committal.

As for FB and other social media - it is a minefield. As her mom (rightly or not) she may feel that you are rubbing her nose in the stuff that you are doing as a new family without her. Technically your DP can post what he likes on FB as it is his DD. You can't really as she is not yours. Although if your privacy settings are really private and you block her then I don't see how she would no. I have to admit though that I would not be happy about the youtube videos.

Also if she is hard to talk to don't. Let all communication be between your DH and her. There is absolutely no reason for you to have to engage with her in any way.

wow sunny, kick me while im down..

I dont think its being cheeky to expect to be recognised by all parenting parties when i put in the same time, love, money, attention, effort as everyone else!!

i told her she has two mummies, because she thinks she has two daddies. maybe what would have been better is to tell her the other way round, that she only has one daddy..

im asking for help, not to be berated. :(

well sorry roro but telling a three year old that you are her 'mummy' when you are not is just out of order. I do not think any parent would tell you otherwise. And I seriously doubt you 'put in the same time love etc.' no offence.

My step kids call me smummy. It works. They think it's funny and it doesn't threaten their mum. I call them my skids. Find a name that works that isn't just mum. Blended families are hard and you deserve a name all your own.

I dont think its being cheeky to expect to be recognised by all parenting parties when i put in the same time, love, money, attention, effort as everyone else!!

The thing is (and I say this as a SM who has her SC EW and goes to hosp apps etc and is currently the only one who communicates with her DP's ExP as they are both in a mood with each other at the moment) it isn't cheeky but the reality is that you will never be recognised by all the parenting parties as being an equal because it doesn't matter how much effort, love, money or attention that you put in - you are still not equal. In reality the best case scenario is that your DP will treat you as an equal and appreciate the effort you put in. Your DD will love and respect you for the part you have in her life and your DP's ex will swing between being grateful for the role you play and resenting it in equal measure.

It is really really tough being a stepmom and the hardest part is accepting that you don't have the influence really to change anyone else but you can slowly but surely change how you rect to situations and how much you let things get to you.

Roro I don't think anyone is berating you - some people are just giving you a different perspective, some of them being in the same situation.

This is a three year old. If she lives with her mum and mum's husband I can see why she would think this is mum and dad, and she also realises she has a dad. It's not for you to challenge that. It's for you to smile and bite your tongue. Labels don't matter to her, but as time goes on, the part you play in her life will matter. The relationship between you and your SD is special, but different from the relationship she has with her mum. Her mum is quite entitled to set the boundaries and have the last word.

Also, if the girl lives with her mum and partner, and stays with you occasionally ,then you are completely wrong to argue you are putting in the same time, effort, money etc as the others in the relationship. It's a bit of an inflammatory statement and doesn't do your position any favours.

Alice I love smummy and skids!

Believe it or not, we don't all want to have the title of "mum" or be called "mum" by our partner's children. Some of us would not like it at all. Of course though, if the OP had come on here to say how much she dislikes being called mum by her partner's 3 year old little girl, she'd be called cold hearted and the child should take the lead etc etc so it's a no win situation really

This with bells on.

I think the point the OP is making (or at least part of the point, as I see it!) is that whatever names are given, she would like to be accorded the same status as the child's mother's partner (rather than either parent).

I've often seen a distinction being drawn between the Res-parent's partner and the NRes- parent's partner on the basis that they spend more time with the children (hell, sometimes I've seen the Res-parent argue that their partner is more of a parent than the NRes-parent, never mind the step!).

Whilst it's true that some NRes-parents don't pull their weight, when they do and the children's residency was decided simply by geography or in the children's best interests, I don't think their seeing the children less should be used to diminish their status as a parent, nor their partner's efforts.

Sorry if I've wandered off topic somewhat!

I've just cross posted with you OllyBJolly and it's interesting that we've hit on a similar point.

You say "Also, if the girl lives with her mum and partner, and stays with you occasionally ,then you are completely wrong to argue you are putting in the same time, effort, money etc as the others in the relationship. It's a bit of an inflammatory statement and doesn't do your position any favours. "

I am not going to argue that the Res-parent doesn't put in more time. That's just one of those things that will follow naturally because of the children living there. But (feckless/idle/crap parents aside) I would dispute that the NRes-parent puts in less effort or money. I think that statement is equally inflammatory to NRes-parents who are only in that situation because that arrangement was best for the children or where they were given little to no choice.

You are not tthe mummy and should never describe yourself as such. Stop with the you tube presumably you cannot control who watches it.

OP, you talk of your SDD as if she was 13 not 3.

Please read some books on child development, and a few step parenting books wouldn't go amiss.

You can be a lovely friend/SM to the little girl but she is barely more than a baby. You need to read up stuff to make progress here imo.

I know little girls can appear to be 'little madams' but I would say it's not actually possible for her to do that so young, she doesn't have the mental development. So you need to read up and change your behavior to get the most out of the relationship, she's too little to understand that her comments eg about Mummy, can be upsetting for someone else. Far too young.

But as she is so young you have many years to slowly develop the relationship you want with her.

Take your point Stepcats and you're right I'm generalising and it will depend on how much and when the NRPs have any children.

If it's the usual one night and EOW, then the RPs will have childcare, after school clubs, play dates, birthday presents for classmates etc etc. All of this takes effort and costs money, but this is often "invisible" money to the NRPs. They don't often have to worry about that.

The relationships are different, and you can't quantify the "value" by using a formula of money+time+effort. The relationship doesn't have to be less special because one of these three elements is not equal.

Actually I would say that telling a THREE year old that you are her mummy when you are not would amount to emotional abuse.

I know loads of children who call their step parents mum and dad surely it's what works for your own family.

The original poster needs some positive advice, not a kicking. She sounds like she's trying to do the right thing but she's a human being, give her a break

woah please dont accuse me of abuse.

Im just a normal 22 year old in a sticky situation. yes i wont get it right every time, and im really thankful that some people have been so kind and gentle. i know ive not got it right, thats why im asking for help :)

look it IS emotional abuse. She is only three. She does not have 'two mummies'.