Mum is happy for child to think she has two dads, but not two mums.. help

[rorowinner]

Hi everyone,

Im new to this, so i don't know all the acronyms, but here goes.

My partners daughter is 3, and has always lived with her mum. Mum got married 18 months ago, and I am due to marry my partner in the next few months.

We recently set up a youtube channel to document some fun times we have with her, nothing more. She doesn't feature on many of the videos and nothing posted is inappropriate. we checked with her mum before we began posting and all was good.

now she is saying she doesnt like it and doesnt want her daughter all over the internet. This has grated me and my partner because her facebook is full of posts, photos and videos.

Other thing is, little girl said 'i have two daddies' the other day, and in order to not confuse her, I said 'this is your real daddy, but you also have two mummies. me and mummy'

Apparently shes not happy with this because step dad, her partner does more so is entitled to be called dad, but i dont do as much so im not entitled.
what.

It annoys me that she thinks this kind of situation is going to be totally fair and totally 50/50 - these rarely are!

has anyone got any advice for me? shes really hard to talk to and always tries to make me feel like the wicked witch, and used the fact that she has little girl more to pass her own opinions as fact and the last word :(

Completely agree OllyBJolly

I will admit that I was completely amazed by how many things DP's ex does in the week with the kids (no kids of my own, so very naïve on that point!) and I have a lot of respect for her. I'm moving in with DP in the next few months, and I hope this will mean we can do more to be with the kids in the week and the tasks that comes with, I hope that offer will be taken in the spirit it's meant by the kid's mum :)

Wow SunnyB that's harsh. Children put you on the spot sometimes and it's hard to know what to say to them! My DP's little girl asked me directly 'are you my second mummy?' and I was torn for the best answer - saying yes wouldn't have been right but I worried that in saying no, without being able to think of an alternative quickly, could be viewed as cold by the child. I didn't want her to think I did not care for her. In the end I opted for the 'no, you have a mummy who loves you very much, but I am your and you get to have a me who cares about you as well'. Not the most eloquent of my speeches, but I hope it got the right feeling across to her!!

Sorry, what I'm saying is I can see why people find it hard to know how to respond to that question.

rorowinner what are the actual access arrangements for example do you have 50/50 care of her or is it say 1 day every other weekend. It does make a difference and it would help people to advise you better.

Isn't it great that a child has so many people in their life that cares about them.

Don't ever, ever suggest on MN that a child has two mums, or call the mum bio mum. You'll be considered in league with Satan.

we have her all weekend every other weekend, like Friday evening to sunday evening, and then every thursday overnight till friday morning..

I can now see that what i said probably wasnt the best thing to do. i think my gripe now is that i just maybe wanted a bit more respect from her mother.. but this thread has been helpful to realise a)im not alone in this b) helped me to see how i should be more emotionally in touch with how a 3 year old things and c)how her mother might be feeling.. so despite the hate its been good!

roro it is very hard being a step anything - especially if you have no children yourself that you can use as a frame of reference.

Throw into the mix 2 different households, different expectations and the limited input that you have on the other household and the level of input the other household expects to have on your household and it all equals a regular headache and the ability to adapt and change frequently.

I did find looking at the lone parents thread can give a great insight into how resident parent feel because one you get your head around why someone responds and acts the way they do at least you either a) know to expect the fallout and prepare your response b) get that whilst some of the reasoning can seem outrageous/petty and unfair to you it usually comes from an emotional response that you had not thought of because you can only see things from the SM perspective and how it impacts you and your DP not the ex.

You will always be criticised by some degree from people especially on MN but try not to take it to heart.

Thanks Sanityseeker - thats really good advice!

Welcome to a minefield! Firstly I would advise calming down a bit - Its not a parenting competition and it doesn't really matter what you call yourself.

However, the child doesn't have two mummies, so maybe try to think of something more appropriate. You will probably only really understand how emotive this is if you find yourself in the same boat - and I do hope you don't!

I also wouldn't post stuff on you tube as once stuff is on the internet its there forever, and you don't know what may happen to it. Also bare in mind that as the girl grows up, she may not be happy to find pics of herself all over the internet. My DC hate parental facebook bragging which includes pics of them.

One thing that a divorced friend said to my DP was 'Remember that your children didn't choose this life, so you owe it to them to make it as easy as you can for them'.

It is worth trying hard to do this - even if it means biting your tongue sometimes

My older two have two dads. This is because after I split with my first husband, we were NC for two years and in that time, I remarried and my second husband stepped fully into the dad role. By the time xh1 got his act together, both were known as 'dad'. (The children's choice btw) These kids are adults now and still call both men dad, even though I'm married to neither of them.

Once, one of them asked me if xh1's new wife was also their mum. This threw me. What I ended up explaining was that I would always be their mother, and 'mum' is a nickname for mother - because you can be a mum without being a mother - . So if they wanted to call her that, it was their decision (but I prayed they never would, because, I'm mum!). I think I'd say similar to my younger kids now, should xh2 ever remarry, but I also think I may add that since 'mum' is an affectionate title, maybe they could come up with a different nickname for her, or a different version of mum. I know I'd find it incredibly difficult to explain the difference between mum and mother to a three year old though. I can understand why the child asked, because at that age, the natural name for a female parent is mum.

I'd back down on the 'two mummies' thing. In that situation I'd probably describe myself as a mum-type person. As in "I do mum-type stuff, but you already call me 'nickname' and that's okay!"

I'm not sure I'd be happy with the youtube account, but I think I'd have to suck that up.

suggesting that a child being told they have two mummies is emotional abuse is completely ott. If the op were insisting she be called mummy that would be emotional abuse but reality is that many children do call step parents mum and dad esp if they grow up with them from a very young age.

When I was young my aunt remarried and her new dh insisted that the kids call him dad. (their own dads weren't in the picture) to the extent that the ds refused and as such he refused to do anything for him unless he called him dad. Now that is emotional abuse. However 30 years on they are still married and the kids who are now grown up still have a good relationship with them all.

What is most important is the relationship which the children have with the step parent, not the upset it might cause to parents. If you're divorced from your child's other parent the reality is that that other parent will develop a relationship with someone else who in turn will develop a relationship with your children. To dismiss that purely on the basis you don't like it says more about the parent than the incoming step parent.

Surely it is far preferable that children have a positive relationship with step parents than some of the relationships I read about on here?

My DSC call their mum's husband "daddy", well actually they don't but their mum refers to him as a father and their dad constantly. Whatever, that's her prerogative.

They have asked to call me mum and I have said no. I told them that they have one mum and that's the way it will always be. But that it doesn't mean that I don't love them tons and that they are my family. I feel this for me, and for them, is a much better way forward.

Maybe forget or ignore what her mum is doing as it's really not any of your business. Just try on having a loving relationship with your DSD without the need to be a "mum". It's hard as when they are little, you inevitably have to take on a caring role when they are with you. It's a tightrope to walk but it's worth it in the end.

roro you sound like you're in a similar place I was around 3 years ago. When DSS was two he was encouraged by his Mum to call her (now ex) partner Daddy A and his actual Dad Daddy B (A and B being their names). DP hated this but even though he brought it up with his ex, she didn't care. DSS, around the same time also started calling me Mummy. Not Mummy Faith, just Mummy. Every single time he said this, I would respond with something along the lines of, Mummy is at home / at work / elsewhere at the moment, I'm Faith. DSS's Mum found out, I can't remember how, but she flipped her lid and went mental. I can understand her not liking it but then don't encourage him to call her partner Daddy! DP and his ex had a 50:50 arrangement at the time (no longer the case because of school) so it would've been nice to have been recognised as having the same influence on his life as her partner, but I would never ever be comfortable being called Mummy. I did absolutely hate her encouraging DSS to call her partner Daddy though as I could see how much it hurt DP.

When she split up with her partner and got with a new partner, there was once again the encouragement to call him Daddy C. I think, though I'm not certain, DSS now calls him by his first name. He's called me by my first name for a while now. Lately he's been going through a phase of asking me what he should call me, but I just say Faith. I think it's really confusing for children, especially when there's a 50:50 split and all we can do is reassure them of our love for them but without stepping on anyone's toes - though it is a minefield! Like you, I don't have children of my own which I think does make it harder in some ways.

Ultimately though, you just have to grit your teeth and smile. There's absolutely nothing you can do so please try not to let her get any headspace. Also, never slag off her mum in front of her. As much as you may (or may not?) dislike her Mum, she is and always will be her Mum. I think as other posters have said, just say something like you're very lucky to have so many people who love you. Also, re youtube, I don't think I'd be too keen if it was my DC tbh. Facebook is one thing if you have very restricted privacy settings and there's nothing wrong with sharing the memories with your friends and family, but with youtube, anyone can see it which I don't think is fair if her Mum is against it.

All that matter is that you meant well by your SD. The rest is semantics. Ok, you are not a mum to her and as it's been advised, it is better to accept this right away. You are not competing with her mum because you can't, just like you wouldn't want anyone to compete with your place in your child's heart when you become a mum yourself.

My advice is ignore her mum and do your best to be a good step-mum. Don't compete with her so she doesn't feel the need to compete with you back (and vice versa).

Most mums don't like step-mums to be neglectful nor to be too attached, but between the two, they feel much more reassured with the latter.

Agreed 3cheeky

DP's DD came into our room on mothers' day and said "happy Amy's day, because you're not my mum"!

I don't want to be her mum but she has obviously had it drummed into her that I'm not step-mum or mum in any capacity, just her dad's girlfriend.

To be fair, that's fine with me.

I'm not sure why you are so keen to be considered a mum figure roro To be honest, you're better off out of it. As Sanity says "It is really really tough being a stepmom and the hardest part is accepting that you don't have the influence really to change anyone else" - you get all the donkey work without any of the recognition, so carry on being dad's girlfriend , enjoy the 'video-worthy' fun times (although you shouldn't really post them on YouTube if her mum is against it) and don't get too hung up on a label.

Sorry, I'd only read page 1! Moved on a bit since then.

3cheeky's comments to which I referred:

Also, don't flatter yourself that someone would actually want to try and take over your role to your children!

and

the cheek of these 'new partners' is breathtaking

Believe it or not, we don't all want to have the title of "mum" or be called "mum" by our partner's children. Some of us would not like it at all. Of course though, if the OP had come on here to say how much she dislikes being called mum by her partner's 3 year old little girl, she'd be called cold hearted and the child should take the lead etc etc so it's a no win situation really

You were completely out of order to tell this little girl that you are her mummy. Until you accept and acknowledge that, you will continue to think that immature and idiotic game playing are more important than simply doing your best to support your partner in parenting his little girl. Which is all that she needs at the minute.
And as for the YouTube videos, is that for real ? You do know the difference between Facebook privacy settings and those on ?YouTube ?
There are plenty of brilliant, common sense step mums on MN. Read their posts and model your behaviour on their advice. Snap out of the evil Ex/adversarial approach and focus on the well being of this child.

Well firstly telling her she has two mummies was completely the wrong thing to do. No she has one mummy and you do not put in the same as her mum so should not be recognised the same way. You should have told her no you have one daddy.

Secondly facebook is different to YouTube. Facebook has privacy settings and is friends only(although I don't have my son on it at all) while YouTube has none so it's the mum's right to ask it to be removed.

Thirdly to be honest, none of this sounds that bad, it really doesn't so in terms of it all I would just move on and forget it all.

I think the mum is completely out of order for letting this little girl call her partner dad. The OP used it once in a comparison the ex-wife is allowing it to continue, to me that is far worse and confusing to the little girl. As for YouTube I would still well clear because I don't know what kind of privity settings you can put on there like you can with Facebook

If I were asked about this OP, I would tell dsd that she has one mummy and one daddy. I would also then say that she has (insert ex's partners name) and you. I would say they all 4 care for her. You don't have to, but it reaffirms to her who the people in her life are

This little girl has four people who love her and the op is feeling her way round a new situation. It's not emotional abuse fgs

I literally laughed out loud at the emotional abuse statement, I've heard it all now get a grip

'get a grip' actually telling a THREE year old that she has 'two mummies' is emotional abuse. If you think that is hilarious....then....whatever.

I do

My DD (14) refers to her DStepM as 'X' but we have in front of her referred to DStep as 'your other Mum or your second Mum'
I love my DD's stepmum to bits and as she has responsibility for DD she (in my view) has the right to be informally within family known as 'mum'. (She is also a fab mum to her own DC)
DD once got a bollocking from the two of us and the phrase was said 'See BOTH your 'Mum's' are saying 'x'

DD has never said to DStep 'you aren't my mum you can't do....' Because she knows that I would say 'well DStep has known you since you were 5 and I say she IS your other mum and we are equal!'