Mum is happy for child to think she has two dads, but not two mums.. help

[rorowinner]

Hi everyone,

Im new to this, so i don't know all the acronyms, but here goes.

My partners daughter is 3, and has always lived with her mum. Mum got married 18 months ago, and I am due to marry my partner in the next few months.

We recently set up a youtube channel to document some fun times we have with her, nothing more. She doesn't feature on many of the videos and nothing posted is inappropriate. we checked with her mum before we began posting and all was good.

now she is saying she doesnt like it and doesnt want her daughter all over the internet. This has grated me and my partner because her facebook is full of posts, photos and videos.

Other thing is, little girl said 'i have two daddies' the other day, and in order to not confuse her, I said 'this is your real daddy, but you also have two mummies. me and mummy'

Apparently shes not happy with this because step dad, her partner does more so is entitled to be called dad, but i dont do as much so im not entitled.
what.

It annoys me that she thinks this kind of situation is going to be totally fair and totally 50/50 - these rarely are!

has anyone got any advice for me? shes really hard to talk to and always tries to make me feel like the wicked witch, and used the fact that she has little girl more to pass her own opinions as fact and the last word :(

that's nice..

I think you've totally missed the point of the post, she admits it wasn't the best thing to do, it's not a regular Occurrents and she doesn't insist little girl called her that. The mother on the other hand...

Yes the OP didn't say the right thing in calling herself mum or saying that DSD has two mummies. In her defence she did say it was more in response to the mum saying that the girl had two daddies which some posters have turn a blind eye to.

Step "parenting" is a minefield as actually it isn't parenting at all. It's bloody hard work and you just have to do what you think is best for the DSC.

I don't know if it constitutes 'emotional abuse' or not, but I'm not sure that trying to even the score for 'you have two daddies' is an appropriate way of dealing with the issue. The child herself will, over the years, make the decision as to whether the step parents in her life warrant a parent title. I would personally focus on my behaviour and how I treat the child, what boundaries I put in place and how appropriate my own behaviour is before being seen to stamp my feet and say 'but you have two daddies so why can't you have two mummies'. Essentially, OP, you are looking to even up the score for your partner which is an issue between adults and has absolutely nothing at all to do with the child.

Presumably, your partner isn't happy about his daughter calling another man 'daddy'? Or even if accepting of it, feels uncomfortable or upset or worried in some way? So why would you fight the issue with 'so the child needs to call my partner 'mummy'?' How does that work?

Feel so sorry for the OP, being a step anything is hard but I think it's so much harder for the step-mum. Keep going lovely, ask for support from your partner because from what I've researched and know its key!

She asked for advise and was pounced on, everyone makes mistakes. Those children are lucky to have four adults loving them
I see this lady who is doing her best asking for help and support so would it harm to give some help and support - telling her it's abuse is just ridiculous.

She's three. She doesn't really think she has two daddies. Maybe mum is ramming that concept down her throat, maybe it's something she made up in her own head and tested out loud. You said completely the wrong thing, but you know that.

If you aren't happy with the fact that you put in so much effort, and yet don't have the status/respect/love or whatever as mum, STOP DOING THINGS. Just because you choose to do these things, and your partner expects you to, maybe even your step daughter wants you to, and plenty of times mum will be happy for you to do things too because they will make her life easier (lifts etc.) - doesn't mean that it will ever elevate you to something special or worthy of thanks in dsd or her mums eyes.

That sounds awful I know but it is the harsh reality of being a step mother. I wish to god id realised that back at the start.

BrevilleTron That's really lovely, it's so nice to hear stories where people really have the child's best interest at heart and can get over any bitterness and/or jealousy.
RoRo, it's hard to know the right thing to say/do and at 22 I certainly wouldn't have had a clue so I think people should cut you some slack. I think you and your DP should talk to her and explain that she only has one mummy and one daddy but that you and your stepdad love her very much and are there to help. She is only 3 so doesn't really understand it all at the moment but best not to muddy the waters (and risk really annoying your DP's ex).

Just wanted to add some support RoRo to counteract all the stepparent bashing going on in this thread.

How does your dp feel about his child calling another man 'dad'? Her stepdad isn't entitled to be called 'dad' unless the child chooses to when she is old enough to make that choice herself.

I get your point about it being one rule for her and her partner and a different one for you and your partner. Not really got any advice to add - you either tell her it's none of her business and do what you want anyway or let it wash over you. Letting it wash over you might be the better option in order to keep good relations.

The OP is young and in a stepparent situation which is very difficult and I think it helps if you have children yourself first.

OP, hope it's been helpful. Don't be scared off coming back, there are lots of supportive posters.

Sadly a common approach here is that stepmums get a very hard time and are never allowed to make a mistake. Mums to young children are always supported.In contrast there are many posts from grown women about their abusive mums and go NC so the concept of mums never acting selfishly doesn't stand up for me.

I have experience of this however - my dsd's mum insisted that she called her new husband dad, she also wanted to change surname given that she now had other children with the step dad. DH was very involved in DSD life and would not allow the surname change but suffered an enormous backlash for his stance.

A few years later the mum had an affair and divorced the stepfather. She has rewritten history as she was never happy with SF, the new man is the love of her life etc. DSD has no relationship with the stepfather she lived with for years as the ex won't allow it.

So lesson is - Don't assume that the new partners are for life - the little girl is very young and a lot can happen in her lifetime. It maybe harsh but you and the stepfather may not always be in the little girls life. Be a positive influence when you can but don't expect gratitude or love in return (it may come but it doesn't always). Support your partner in his relationship with his daughter and always be positive about her mother.

Let the mum make her own mistakes - over time her daughter will realise them in her own time.

Yes the two mummies comment was a mistake, you know that, it's not the end of the world. Do hope it doesn't get back to mum though!

I met my SD when she was 3, she's always been a mummies girl and has a very strong connection so we never faced any problems with confusion of names. I think she accidentally called me it once right at the beginning when she was super tired and we just said "I'm not mummy I'm Bahh, silly!". Her mum has a partner and I'm sure it's accidentally slipped out once or twice with him as well. If she was encouraged to call him daddy as well my OH would be heartbroken and furious in equal measure and I'm sure SD would be confused. He should speak to ex, and not beat around the bush. Tell her it's not acceptable and he is her only daddy and she is her only mummy. Reinforce that when SD is with you.

Very inconsiderate behaviour from mum.

I think the fact that you are so young yourself here is part of the issue, tread carefully. Smile and be noncommittal when a baby says this stuff. Watch and wait and take time. Hopefully there are years ahead to develop this bind, but develop it slowly

Calling this emotional abuse is fucking ridiculous a complete overreaction but since that particular posters comments to the OP have been consistently appalling, unhelpful and counterproductive, it's not surprising that's they've thrown the abuse accusation in for good measure. Its just kicking OP when she's asking for help.

OP I understand that you were on the spot and probably fumbled for what to say in response to the 2 daddies comment and it's good that you realise it was the wrong thing to say. It's really hard navigating the world of step parenting, you are very often damned no matter what you do. My DSD used to call her stepdad by a nickname when she was 2 but he got very insecure about DP having contact (as it involved DP interacting with DSDs mum) and so he banned contact for 2 years. During that time DSD was taught to call the step dad "Dad" and even after the courts reinstated DPs access, she wasn't allowed to use the nickname anymore. She's 8 now and calls both men dad. This has been the source of some deep confusion and insecurity for her. That along with some other things her DM has allowed/done have made DSD one of the most insecure and sad little girls I know. When she was 4/5 she used to get upset about whether to call me mum or not because of the two daddies issue but I told her she doesn't have to call me mum, she has one mum and one dad. This then REALLY upset her because she didn't know if her real dad was the one dad or her stepdad IYSWIM. I was then accused of emotionally abusing her, for trying to help her understand. These day, she occasionally accidentally calls me mum but we make a joke of it (I call her the wrong name in response) because otherwise she feels the need to go into a long explanation about me not being her mum and justifying why she accidentally called me that. The joke cuts off that insecure need.

My point is, you're now in a minefield where, unlike her mum, you have to think very carefully before every step or word. You now have to plan for these kinds of moments, when DSD says something that could be difficult or awkward to respond to. You have to think ahead from now on and try to anticipate the reaction you might get from all other parties involved. I walked into step-parenting at 22 with no idea of what I was "getting myself into" but have learnt a LOT in the years since. Particularly that not everyone develops maturity/understanding at the same speed as you (i.e. DSD's stepdad).

Also this: Support your partner in his relationship with his daughter and always be positive about her mother. with bells on.

If I was the mother in this situation I would be extremely cross about you referring to the 'two mummies'. That's an awful thing to say to a little girl, regardless of what she said about 'two daddies'. It's very likely that she thinks she has two daddies because she lives with one man and visits another.

You do NOT have equal status to mum's partner as she lives with him and he will be far more of a primary carer than you. I also think you're completely out of line to turn your stepdaughter into a form of internet entertainment. It's really not on. Regardless, none of this is about any of you - it's about her. You have no entitlement or right to any expectations. The best you can do is be a good person and try to form a good bond with her, because with your current attitude of thinking about yourself and your 'recognition' in this parenting quartet you are going down the wrong track already.