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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Expected to look after DSS

54 replies

CalicoBlue · 19/04/2015 09:27

I have a very stressful week coming up.

We are moving house, I am busy at work and Dh is working away when we move. This I have no problem with, I am organised and can handle it all.

DSS and I do not get on, mainly driven by his DM. Now DH tells me that the week we are moving and he is away his ex is away with work too and I have to look after DSS. I never have him on his own as he will not do anything I say and I will not wait on him and take meals to him in his room etc. I have said I do not want to and as his ex has created this situation she should be the one to sort it out, not me. Dh then guilt trips me that I am adding stress to him and all he is asking me to do is look after him for a week. Whilst I am moving house on my own!

Just a rant really.

OP posts:

Petal02 · 19/04/2015 09:30

No chance! DSS has two parents, and you're not one of them!

Azquilith · 19/04/2015 09:32

Uh no, not your child. His parents need to find other arrangements.

MythicalKings · 19/04/2015 09:35

Nope. Just no. Ex will have to sort it. Stand firm, OP.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 19/04/2015 09:36

I think it's unfair of your dp to do this to you. He obviously knows the situation. I'd have another word with dp. Tell him your sorry but your stressed too and this will add to it. Dss mum and your dp will have to arrange something else. ie favours from family.

Good luck with the move x

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 19/04/2015 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moreisnnogedag · 19/04/2015 09:39

What?! No. Fricking cheek. 'All' he's asking?

How are things between you generally?

PeruvianFoodLover · 19/04/2015 09:45

If you say no, and neither his Dap or his ex make alternative arrangements, then they will have abandoned their DC, won't they?

It really annoys me that irresponsible parents rely on the goodwill of their partners not to act in the way any other adult would.

If your DP and his ex left their son at school, expecting the teacher to take charge of him and care for him for a week alongside their own DCs, there would be serious consequences. This is no different.

Wdigin2this · 19/04/2015 10:08

If you agree to this, you are asking to be walked over in future! No matter how much DP (or anyone else) guilt-trips you, stand firm!! You cannot/will not babysit when you're moving house...on your own!

lunar1 · 19/04/2015 10:25

Should your dh or his ex have had him for this week? They should both sort cover for the time that they are responsible for. I feel sorry for the ds, both his parents arrange a week away without arranging childcare! The should have sorted out their arrangements before booking anything.

Original poster

CalicoBlue · 19/04/2015 10:28

Dh and I have a really good relationship, he gets on very well with my DC. The only blip is DSS and his DM, which I thought we had come to an agreement on.

Last time I had him on my own, DH had to leave for work early, DSS would not get up for school and kept going back to bed, I had to leave for work, the other kids were ready, and I was shouting for him to get downstairs. If I had left him he would have left the front door open. He did not like being shouted at and it was agreed that I would not have him on my own again.

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 19/04/2015 10:49

Ex will have to step up. Not your problem. If the DSS will not behave for you then his DM will have to cope.

AuditAngel · 19/04/2015 10:59

I would agree that this is not your problem to deal with. Either his mum or his dad will have to re-arrange their trip to care for their child.

wheresthelight · 19/04/2015 11:04

if you weren't moving house that Week then I would probably be saying that for once make a compromise and do it but on the understanding that your dh reads him the riot act about behaving and showing you respect.

does his not have a partner? what would they have done if your dh was single or they were still together?

Wdigin2this · 19/04/2015 11:16

Calico, you must just love having DSS to stay!

PesoPenguin · 19/04/2015 16:09

Your dh is being ridiculous. He hasn't asked you, he's agreed to you looking after your dss without checking first, he has broken your agreement that you will not have your dss on your own, he knows you are moving all by yourself and he's guilt tripping you. You need to hold your ground on this and say NO!

AmyElliotDunne · 19/04/2015 16:12

Just remind him if this and say you're not doing it. Bad enough at any time, but with moving house alone too, no way.

MeridianB · 19/04/2015 17:25

YANBU Calico, so don't let anyone try to make you feel that way. Stick to your guns.

I hope this isn't any time soon and they have enough time to make proper arrangements.

base9 · 19/04/2015 17:33

Why are you her childcare solution? She needs to find someone to mind her ds, or she can't go away. Say no, mean it and refuse to budge.

fedupbutfine · 19/04/2015 17:35

Ex will have to step up

Why? The OP has made it quite clear that the ex is going away for work reasons, as is her DH. Presumably both mum and dad need to keep their jobs and it's not unreasonable that either of them should expect the other to care for their child when they have to be away for work.

I know that absolutely doesn't make it the OP's responsibility, nor is it her problem. I do not agree, however, that the ex should simply have to deal with it. Both parents now need to work together to resolve the issue because they both need a job at the end of the week to be able to appropriately support their households and their child. Not working, not turning up for work, not going on a business trip, is presumably not an option.

HeyDuggee · 19/04/2015 17:41

Fedup, of course it's an option - what do you think married working couples do when both of them need to go away for work? One or both of them rearrange the trips so the dates don't overlap. It's ludirious to say their hands are tied and they "have" to go on those exact dates.

base9 · 19/04/2015 17:49

Because from the OP.it sounded like the trip was happening during dss's time at his mum's house. I can see that mum would turn to her ex in the first instance for childcare, but he is away and can't do it. So yes it is up to her to sort childcare. If they have a different arrangement, then fine, they need to find and fund childcare together. OP is not an option.

tribpot · 19/04/2015 18:06

Agreed. This is for DH to resolve with DSS' mother. One of them will have to cancel their work trip. Logically if this is during mother's contact time it should be her, but compromise could be made depending on who booked first, relative importance of each trip, etc. OP has made clear she will not be caring for DSS on her own again (and this would hardly be a trivial extra burden in a week of moving house).

OP I also find your DH's tone extremely disrespectful. You will 'have' to look after DSS, will you? He's not your boss. And the idea that you are adding stress to him is laughable.

fedupbutfine · 19/04/2015 18:28

but they're no longer a married couple and should be able to expect some freedom in making arrangements that suit them. To suggest that one should just cancel ignores the fact that either trip could be career-breaking for either parent. Or indeed, not at all important.

We have no idea if mum checked with dad prior to making arrangements for her trip - and even if OP's husband says she didn't, that's not necessarily the truth. He may well have known about it for months. Or mum may have known for months and assumed it would be OK.

It's a stalemate, regardless. Impossible to sort out.

BackCrackandNappySack · 19/04/2015 18:37

No. This is not on. His parents need to coordinate their work patterns better. They can't both be away at the same time, it makes no difference whether they are divorced or not! They wouldn't be able to do it if they were still married and he lived with both of them, so why is it different now? If you wanted to do it, as a favour to your DH and if your DSS was happy to cooperate with you then that's one thing, but given that he's not, you just need to speak to them both and say that there is no way it can happen and one of them needs to reschedule work or he must stay with his grandparents. Especially as it is not an ordinary week for you. You have bigger things to worry about than getting someone else's child up for school. Even if it is your stepson.

DixieNormas · 19/04/2015 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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