Expected to look after DSS

[CalicoBlue]

I have a very stressful week coming up.

We are moving house, I am busy at work and Dh is working away when we move. This I have no problem with, I am organised and can handle it all.

DSS and I do not get on, mainly driven by his DM. Now DH tells me that the week we are moving and he is away his ex is away with work too and I have to look after DSS. I never have him on his own as he will not do anything I say and I will not wait on him and take meals to him in his room etc. I have said I do not want to and as his ex has created this situation she should be the one to sort it out, not me. Dh then guilt trips me that I am adding stress to him and all he is asking me to do is look after him for a week. Whilst I am moving house on my own!

Just a rant really.

No, no no. Don't do it. I would be verging on the hysterical at this point!

No, you are not adding stress to him. He is adding stress to you.

What does your DH do on his bisuness trips? As in how many family meals will he be cooking, how much laundry, cleaning, peace keeping between DCs, school runs etc will he be doing while he is away? And how much packing, unpacking and organizing for the house move will he do?

Absolutely not! The parent who should be caring for DSS during that week is the one who needs to make alternative arrangements if they're unable to look after him themselves.

It's not your job to be caring for someone else's child. What do they think you are, an unpaid frigging childminder?! How dare they try to force this upon you.

It's not your circus, not your monkey. Don't let yourself be bullied into it.

DH has PR for DSS, court appointed over 10 years ago. Though over the years he has spent more and more time with his DM. DH keeps an eye and makes sure that he is ok and pays for everything for DSS. So contact is not set in stone. Usually when DH is away with work DSS stays with his DM. He is usually here two or three days a week. DH is very Disney and never wants his DSS to feel he can not be in his home, I agree but do feel there are times when that is not possible.

I have been told tonight that ex and DSS do not want me to look after him when DH is away and ex has changed her work plans. Works for me! I have enough going on that week.

Horrible thread with horrible comments.

Yes, you're not an unpaid childminder expected to look after soneone else's child. You are, however - by choice- the wife of someone who has a child and you should help out with childcare if you can because you and your DH are a team and should operate as such. Not 'I'm alright Jack and you and DS can fuck off'

If I were DH I would not remain married unto someone who hated my child that much.

I thought pp were being supportive, who also felt that being asked/told to look after a very difficult child whilst I am very busy and trying to move house without the support of my DH, is unreasonable.

At no stage did I say that I hated DSS.

And as far as 'I am allright Jack...' I am already being very supportive moving house, for 5 of us, on my own with DH away for the week. He is also away for most of this week and so not a lot of help now either.

You are, however - by choice- the wife of someone who has a child and you should help out with childcare if you can because you and your DH are a team and should operate as such.

Surely that depends entirely on the DC? It can't be forced onto a child.

If the OPs DSS doesn't view her as a "parental figure" and defies, ignores and is disrespectful to her, then no matter what the OP, her DH or her DHs ex says, the reality is that the OP is not part of "the team".

It's all very well giving a stepparent the responsibility of raising their stepchild, but if the stepchild does not agree with that decision, then what?

The OP is not in a team, she is in a partnership with her DH. She's not in partnership with the ex and therefore has no obligation to assist her with childcare unless she wants to.

And even if she were in a team then who the hell appointed DH team leader?

Good luck with your move Calico

Ah….hang on. Your DH has PR for this boy? And you have other children either of your own, or between you anyway, so you'll have other children around, possibly other children of yours and your husbands? So he officially lives with you anyway, along with his step/half siblings…that puts a slightly different slant on things. You can't just send one of them away because he's awkward and keep the others…that looks bad. And there I was thinking he just stayed every other weekend or something, and you'd been given the job of child-minding him for the week while both parents were unavailable.

DH is very Disney and never wants his DSS to feel he can not be in his home, I agree but do feel there are times when that is not possible.

WTF is a Disney Dad anyway? I hate that phrase. It's snidey. He's just his Dad, being a proper Dad. Of course he doesn't want his son to feel that he cannot be his home. It's his home.

But I still do think that given his parents both know he won't cooperate with you, it would be best if they made arrangements for one of them to be around for him while you move.

There are literally thousands of posts from RP like the OPs DH on MN moaning that the NRP has changed plans and cancelled contact at the last minute - causing no end of complications, inconvenience and cancellations for the RP, who may be working, house renovating or just going out for the night.

While the advice to those RP is invariably along the lines of "don't rely on your flaky ex for childcare", I've not once seen the suggestion that the RP should find their DCs a stepparent in order to make the job easier.

But that seems to be the message in this thread.

Having PR doesn't mean that the child lives full time with the parent who has PR (in assuming we are referring to parental responsibility). Any child born to married parents prior to 2001 will automatically have 2 parents with PR (unless the court has removed PR from one parent). Any child born 2002 or later whose parents are both named on the birth cert will also have 2 parents with PR.

The parent who was due to have majority of care that week should change their plans or make alternative childcare plans, particularly as the DSS doesn't want to stay with OP. Fortunately it looks like the mother has now realised that.

I'm pleased that everyone got what they wanted.

I can't help but wonder where you live and where you are moving to because if it was local to me I'd love to offer some practical help.

Poor child, not only does he have a dad who puts his new girlfriend first he is also likely acutely aware of the OPs feelings towards him. No wonder he acts up.

Given your DP took on your children, it's very unfair to not have your DSS to stay when he is away. Why should he have to have yours yet you get to say no to his?

You were home anyway and with children so it was very petty to say no. It was a great chance for you to try and work on your relationship with him for the childs sake.

enderwoman

Thank you that is very kind.

I am organised and hopefully it will go well. I have removal men booked and am trying to move some stuff at the weekend to make it easier. I have offered to pay my DS's teenage mates to help at the weekend too.

It was just the thought of having to deal with a sulky, stroppy teenager who will not listen to me, whilst all this is going on, that was worrying me.

Littlemostersrule

I am not a new GF who has suddenly come into the poor child's life. I have been in his life for over 10 years. I do not see where DH is putting me before him either.

Yes, it would be lovely to spend time building our relationship with DSS but not when I am trying to do a house move with my DH away.

Calico I'm glad you've put your foot down, also glad it's sorted!

You are treated like absolute shit in your own home, and your DH allows it.

If your DSS refuses to be parented by you in any way, then at no time should he solely be in your care!

Given your DP took on your children, it's very unfair to not have your DSS to stay when he is away. Why should he have to have yours yet you get to say no to his?

The OP has not said at any point that she expects her DP to have sole care of her DCs for days at a time while she works away. Unless you know the OP in RL?

I'm not surprised that you didn't want to look after a child who won't listen to you. It's hard enough looking after teens who love you.
You sound like a loving SM who would like to get along with your SS but are realistically saying that you can't look after a child who won't listen.

hell no would i be doing that and I will happily have DSD for days that neither of them can cover in school holidays.

Having seen you on other threads Calico, and having read about your home situation, you haven't really described quite how dire it is. This isn't just a DSC that you struggle with, he's a teen that refuses point blank to have anything to do with you in your own home, and he ignores you completely. This means that you can't be his source of care until this is addressed. If your DH wants to change this, he needs to insist that you are respected!

maybe your partner and his ex need to start trying to encourage a relationship between their son and you if they are relying on you so much to look after him or is having fucked up children a goal of theirs?

FeelTheNoise

Yes it is a difficult situation, and I do not see how DH could have expected me to look after DSS when he behaves as he does.

However, the ex is a nightmare and I would not be too surprised if DSS just turns up next week after school.