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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Adult son key to house issue - pls help

62 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 08:57

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final!

OP posts:

Petal02 · 19/04/2015 09:13

Trying to look at this on a purely practical basis: does he actually need a key? Or is it just symbolic for you?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 19/04/2015 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:17

Petal - he doesnt need a key, I think he wants it so he can get back in whilst we're away which I feel he would. It's going to tear is apart as its a huge deal for my DH it seems but I hate backing down - don't know why why to turn

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 19/04/2015 09:18

Not seen your previous threads so what is dp's issue?

I have had a key for my parents house since I was 11 and still have it. I quite often let myself in if I calling round and she is in the loo or garden although I do ring and let her know I am heading over. surely this is normal (I am 34!) my mum also has a key to my nan's house even though she lives 200 miles away

Whereisegg · 19/04/2015 09:26

Well why would he be letting himself in while you're away?
If it's to water plants/feed pets, then that's great.
If it's to empty the freezer/just because he can, then take it off him.

Petal02 · 19/04/2015 09:27

It always felt a little intrusive when DSS had a key, although I totally understand that it didn't feel that way to DH. DSS never lived with us (he lived with his mum) and I never quite understood why having a key to a house you never lived in was such a big deal, but then step family dynamics are complicated.

My biggest bug bear was that DSS was completely unable to lock up/set alarm when he left the house, which, IMO, completely validated my unease at him having a key. The thought of us being on holiday, and him just popping in, then failing to lock up, really worried me.

There's rarely any good reason to make a unscheduled visit to a house you don't live in, when the occupants are out. In the end, DH agreed to taking the key back, providing it was me who asked. I just told DSS we needed his key back as we'd lost our spare key. He didn't bat an eye lid and it hasn't caused any problems since.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:30

My DS has recently left the door wide open for the whole day, leaves lights on, shorts the fuses etc (God knows how!) and has ppl in who are messy hence DH wants the key back as he has no reason to come back in whilst we not there. I've asked already but DS gave me a sob story of what happens in an emergency - not sure what emergency that would be but I folded and said keep it! Such a lightweight

OP posts:

Petal02 · 19/04/2015 09:31

OP - as you admit he doesn't need a key, except to let himself in when you're away, which is unnecessary, I think you have your answer?

Petal02 · 19/04/2015 09:34

Sorry, cross posted - OP, I can therefore totally understand your DH's point of view! What's more important to you? Your marriage, or indulging your 22-yr-old's irresponsible behaviour??

PeruvianFoodLover · 19/04/2015 09:38

feeling - if you are struggling to be the "bad guy" and need someone to blame (and don't want to blame your DP), then why not tell your son that you've recently had a home insurance review and the insurers say that they need confirmation of all key holders, or that they charge a additional premium when non-householders have a key....anything that places the blame elsewhere.

It sounds like you need a bad cop to enforce your rules, and insurance companies are great for that !!!!

Petal02 · 19/04/2015 09:42

So it sounds like you theoretically agree with your DH, but don't have the heart to ask for the key? In which case I agree with peruvianfoodlover's advice. Or failing that, your DH could ask for the key? If he's anything like me, he won't mind asking the question, he just wants peace of mind.

Moreisnnogedag · 19/04/2015 09:44

Ok I'm with your DH on this. So you won't back down to him but you'll cave easily for your ds? It's obvious it's a terrible idea for your ds to have a key, so it must be pretty upsetting to your dh that you're being so stubborn about it.

Findingpeace · 19/04/2015 09:54

Why does your DP want the key back? Does your DS steal from you?

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:58

No finding he's just not trustworthy with locking house up etc.

OP posts:

Findingpeace · 19/04/2015 09:59

Sorry cross post

Petal02 · 19/04/2015 10:03

I can'T imagine why anyone would choose to leave their key with someone they can't trust to lock up? OP - does burglary not worry you?

SoupDragon · 19/04/2015 10:05

Pic you don't want him to have access without your knowledge, change the locks and don't tell him. Or change the mortise lock if you don't use that all the time, just when you are away.

SoupDragon · 19/04/2015 10:06

Given you have already asked for it back and he has refused, I wouldn't trust him to not have a spare cut TBH.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:07

Yes it does petal and more so my DH. Plus he doesn't want anyone in the house whilst we not here, he's like that with everyone not just my DS

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 19/04/2015 10:15

It sounds like your DS is the catalyst for exposing fundamental differences in values between you and your DP.

Your DP is concerned about your home being left insecure while you're not there, but you aren't. Your DP values the privacy of your home while you are less concerned.

I'm not sure if this is a step- issue or a relationship issue, tbh. What if it wasn't your son, but a family friend or even one of your parents who had a key and refused to return it? Would you and your DP share more common ground then?

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:17

Hi Peruvian yes absolutely as if it was anyone else I'd be madder than DH!! Have I answered my own Q?

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 19/04/2015 10:25

OP your son no longer lives at your house, he repeatedly disrespects your property by having parties, leaving door open etc. Change the locks asap

PeruvianFoodLover · 19/04/2015 10:26

Not sure if you've answered your own question, but you've certainly confirmed that you have lower expectations of your DS than you do of other family members and friends.
I can only imagine how frustrating that is for your DP - especially when it is his home that you are placing at risk.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:31

I'm worried I'll lose my DS if I'm hard on him - I guess that's the truth but I've already followed through with asking to move elsewhere if he couldnt live by our house rules so maybe I'm tougher than I think I am!

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 19/04/2015 10:35

feeling your DS is 22 - he is an adult. What do you mean by "lose" him?

If you are seeking your adult sons approval to the detriment of your relationship with your DP, then you have much bigger issues than who holds a front door key!

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