Adult son key to house issue - pls help

[Feelinghelpless2]

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final!

I mean that'll he love me less, not like me, not want to visit etc etc. I think your comment about approval is probably right. Just don't know how to get out of this hole I'm in - such a mess!

Ah, we have a Disney Mum here! Although she's bright enough to be aware of that :)

Ah that made me smile petal. I think your right but what do i do to move on!?

for what it's worth my dp is awful at locking up especially if he has stuff on his mind. he thinks he has locked up and I come home and find the front door shut but not locked.

whilst bloody irritating it isn't something I would ban dp from having a key over (especially as it's his house) Can you perhaps put a sign up on the back of the door saying Alarm and lock up?

I'm 35 and have a key to my Dad's. In part, this is so I can stay over if he's ever away and I need a place to sleep (our respective cities are many miles apart). I also know he wants me to have it in case I need a place of safety. No reason to suspect any issues but he wants me to know it's my home too. I find this really touching.

However, I would never dream of inviting others over without prior approval, always leave the house safe and secure and generally treat it as my own.

Maybe your DSS just needs to grow up a bit and learn about managing a household. Taking the key for pretend reasons now (loving the insurance idea) doesn't mean he can't have it again in the future.

Hi Zampa, I can't imagine at the moment my DH ever agreeing to my DS having a key - I guess one day things will change and my DS will become more responsible!

OP - you took the biggest step by getting him to move out, and he still appears to be talking to you! The key issue is small fry compared to that. Be brave - you are indeed tougher than you think!

Thanks Petal. I thought him moving would solve everything but there's clearly still work to be done. I feel like I'm cutting my DS out of my life then I think don't be so stupid he's a grown man and needs to get his own life! Right?

Feeling From a practical point of view you could have the locks changed. This would remove the need for you to ask for the key back from your DS, and also resolve your DPs needs of your DS not having a key.

However, it would be infinitely easier to just ask your DS for the key back, just explain you don't like the thought of anyone (friends and family) going into your house when you are not there. This is assuming you can trust him not to sneakily copy the key and keep one for himself anyway.

Hi ohsammyboy, him getting a key cut would require him to put some effort in so that'll never happen! Safe on that count.

Since when did you ever see someone with an entitled attitude love a parent/spouse more because they were able to walk all over them? All being a doormat does is feed feelings of contempt towards that person, not love.

You say you're worred DS won't like you but he's already been treating you as though he doesn't like you so what have you got to lose by concentrating on your relationship with your DH rather than your adult DS? Will DS be paying you ££££s when the insurance co. refuse to pay out if/when you get burgled because he's left the house unlocked again? You're not cutting him out, just refusing to let him dictate what happens regarding your home.

Stay strong.

Thanks Snoozy. We've just discussed it again and my DH just doesn't trust him to not have people in whilst we away, we go away in a few weeks and i don't want to be whittling so I need to do it! It is our home and even though he's my son we need to make the rules

Holidays brought it all to a head in our household: we had an Easter beak planned a few years ago, DSS would have been home from uni during our break, and there was no way I could have relaxed on a beach, wondering if my home was ok. So I told DH that I either wanted the key back, or we'd have to reschedule our holiday to a time when DSS wouldn't be home.

We pay DSS quite a generous amount each month towards his uni costs, and I know DH is grateful I never challenge this, and I suspect this is the reason he relented. DSS can't have it all his own way.

If you really feel you can't do it, then simply change the locks.

Hi again Petal - do you have your own children, if so do you think/act the same way? I'm on edge when we go away as I'm never sure what'll we come back to

I remember your previous posts, OP. He's gone to live with his Dad, is that right?

How do you feel about him possibly having a party or leaving the house unlocked while you're away? Would you be OK with that?

I have to agree with your DH. It sounds highly likely that your DS will use your place for mates/leave it unsecured whilst you're away and I would definitely want the key back.

But at this stage, as you have already asked and DS has refused, I'd be changing the locks. I know you say DS wouldn't be organised enough but if he thinks it's fine to use your home without permission in your absence then I am sure he'd get it together to take a copy of the current key.

If it means your DH (and you) will not be able to enjoy the holiday because of worry about this then surely it's worth it?

You don't need to say anything to DS about it. Just let the matter drop, change the locks and enjoy your hols.

It's hard to imagine why he would need a key for emergencies. Sounds like a poor excuse. At 22 he should be resourceful enough to cope or turn to his Dad/friends etc in your absence on hols.

As for the emotional side, you really aren't losing him. Your relationship will change and grow in different ways as he moves through life. I'm sure you have told him you love him and are there for him. You're not doing a bad thing.

Excellent post meridian.

OP - no, I don't have children of my own.

How about a compromise? Buy a key safe and put a spare key in there. If, for some reason, your son desperately needs to get in, or anyone else does, you can text them the code for the safe. Easy to change it so they can't have access again. We use Master Lock ones and they are very secure.

I'm not sure I'd trust him not to invent an emergency. And besides, given he already lives with his dad, I can't envisage what sort of emergency would necessitate access to the OP's house in her absence?

I don't think the OP and her husband should have to compromise. It's their home!

Petal is right - imagine day one or two of the holiday and he claims there's an emergency. You'd then have another 6/9/13 days to worry and wonder what's happening.

Do you have a neighbour or friend you could leave a spare key with instead? Useful if you ever lock yourself out, and your DS could get it off them if he ever needed to come home in an emergency (GF thrown him out or something?)

Hi Meridan, yes your post was excellent and yes im the one where we he went to live with his Dad, your post was very thought provoking. I'm coming to terms that my relationship with him HAS to change, he's no longer a toddler who needs his Mummy! With a key, I don't feel he'd ask he'd just come in and in an emergency I have plenty of family who'd come to his aid at a drop of a hat. His dad im sure can cope with any emergency anyway. He sees no wrong in the way he's bee, he's feels entirely justified as he thinks we're out of order, he doesn't see our rules our house, he see im his mum and he's entitled to do what he likes!

I'm sure it's hard but if you have come this far, it sounds like the last hurdle.

I was trying to remember being 22 and it wasn't an age when I was particularly close to my parents in that I loved them but was discovering the world and getting myself sorted. So although you feel as if you've cut him loose, I am sure he will 'come back to you' as he grows up.

Of course it's true that mums put up with a lot more than anyone else but I don't think that includes trashing the house and leaving front door open. So you're now managing his expectations, which can only be a good thing for both of you.

feeling I'm guessing that you've always been reluctant to discipline or put boundaries in place because you have lived with the fear of "losing" your DS since you and his dad split?

Look at the positives. Your DS has spent several years living away from home at university (I think I remember correctly?). You and your DP have formed a relationship and are now cohabiting. So, your DS does have some emotional resilience to cope with things not always going his way.

Maybe you're not giving him enough credit - yes, he's behaving in an entitled manner, but then many young people "try it on" when they think they can get away with it, and who better to emotionally manipulate than their mum, especially if mum has always been scared of losing them?

But, given his life experiences, I'm sure he's aware deep down that he's taking advantage, and I don't think he'll be that surprised if you lay down the law and tell him that it's time to stand on his own two feet.

If nothing else, your emotional dependance on him, and his manipulation of that, is going to be very unattractive to any love-interest he may have. Let him find his feet, fall in love and discover his own strengths and weaknesses independent from you.

I think the fact that he's left the door open etc and that he'll have people round without your permission means that he can't be trusted to have the key. Jeez, when I was 22 I had a house and was about to get married and have a baby, I had no choice but to lock up properly!

Peruvian - I've been a soft touch I guess and wanted to be the parent my DS preferred to be with, didn't want to ever drive him away and to his Dads. He has spent 3 years away at uni yes, and since he's been back that when boundaries were pushed. It doesn't help that at the moment I'm missing him dreadfully, im coming to terms with it as I'm guessing all mums and dads have to but that skews my judgement in the whole key saga I feel. I understand our relationship has to be different now, he's a man and I've got a life with my DH if we can put our relationship back on track.