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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My DP disciplining my DS and I don't agree !!

65 replies

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 15:50

Aggghhh what a nightmare!
Sorry had to get that off my chest !
My DS is 2 in January. He is admittedly a little tyke, wont do what he's told, but who isn't at that age !
So now DP has decided that i'm mollycoddlying him and that its time for discipline!
Well his idea of discipline is to have him sitting on the couch crying and being told not to move.
Now im not against discipline in the slightest, but I think that DS is far too young for this type.
I usually will give him into trouble there and then and thats it over.
I think DP is dragging it out by having him sit on the couch.
Well I have exploded twice over the past two days because of this and if we can't come to some arrangement then its going to damage our relationship or DP's health!
Admittedly DP has a pretty polite 12 year old DS, but I think he is being a bloody bully !
How on earth do you cope with the discipline of step kids !
How can we come to some agreement without me wanting to rip his head off !

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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eefs · 01/11/2006 16:06

without knowing more details it sounds like your DP is using a time out - something I would have used. 1 min for each year is a rule of thumb. My ds's would cry during time-out until they realised that I was not giving in. Thereafter the mere threat of it was sufficient and I haven't used a time-out in months (ds2 is not 3 yet).
I think you need to support your DP in this or at least make sure that your DS does not think you are going to "rescue" him, otherwise he'll never accept it and will be more upset than he needs to be.

Bozza · 01/11/2006 16:09

Yes my two were both sent to sit on the step at that age.

I don't understand what your form of discipline is. But I do think that you need to sit down and discuss the issue with your DP.

mumatuks · 01/11/2006 16:11

just how is your DS being naughty?

I feel like I have spent the whole of my DS's 2nd year of life saying "no".. and we're going on into the third.

I think your DS does need discipline, every child needs to learn to respect rules and boundries. If you don't deal with discipline now, he'll be an even bigger more monstrous 4, 5, 6 yr old etc. (we've all seen those nanny progs!)

I banned my DS from going to his friends birthday party the other week, he'd been warned all morning if he carried on hurting his DS2, he wouldn't be able to go. I had to carry out my threat and not take him, even though I felt really guilty about it for the afternoon!

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:11

I think that's what he is trying to do and I know he think's he is doing good, but i just think he's still too young.
Any comments gratefully received.
DP is incredibly hurt by my attitude

OP posts:

mumatuks · 01/11/2006 16:13

definately agree with one minute for every year of life...boy did DS get a shock when he turned 3! A whole minute longer...

Mud · 01/11/2006 16:13

what does 'give him into trouble' mean?

on first reading soudns like DP is doing the right thing and you are reacting badly becuase its your child not his - think you have to chose to bring child up togehter or not and that inclduse discipline - equal say in discipline and agreed methods

misdee · 01/11/2006 16:14

i think time out is fine for an almost 2 year old. dd3 gets sat on her bottom for 1min atm if she is 'naughty' (and that rarely happens)

Bozza · 01/11/2006 16:14

So hoola do you just tell him no and stop it atm? Really need to discuss it together.

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:15

Bozza, I usually take his hands and tell him "No don't do that"
Admittedly its not very effective.
How old are your kids now, do you feel it worked or it was too harsh?
We do discuss it, but I don't know if we'll ever agree!

OP posts:

misdee · 01/11/2006 16:16

well if taking his hand and telling him not to do it isnt effective, why not try time outs? but it needs to be done in agreement with you.

time outs have been our saviour.

WhizzBangCaligula · 01/11/2006 16:17

I think you need to sit down and discuss with him how much involvement you want him to have with discipline and what discipline strategies you're going to use. You have to sing from the same hymn sheet otherwise your DS will learn to play you off against each other and put enormous strain on your relationship.

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:19

He definetly feels like im reacting badly because its not his child, but its because I think he's too harsh.
I want us to look like a team when it comes to disciplining.
It sounds from the comments that I'm over reacting, I just find it hard to see DS so upset. He always looks like his heart is breaking when he crys, but hey he's my first and i'm still learning !!
All critisicms of me are welcome, keep them coming !

OP posts:

Mud · 01/11/2006 16:21

siounds like your being too soft and it is not registereing - think you need to read up on time outs and employ them

Bozza · 01/11/2006 16:21

Mine are 5 and 2 hoola. I have a feeling that I am harsher than you because DS used to walk down the hall to the step not crying and as soon as his bottom hit that step he would start crying. It amused me.

misdee · 01/11/2006 16:22

oh by the 3rd child you get a hard exteriour and dont think their hearts are breaking when they cry

time outs are a good way, but always use warnings first.

morningpaper · 01/11/2006 16:24

Don't be scared of upsetting your child - that's what disciplining often involves! You are not there to be your child's best friend - you are there to show him the rules and that there are clear boundaries which he must not overstep. Time out is perfectly reasonable at this age. His reaction shows that it is effective discipline.

I'm sure you need to have more time with your DP to talk about these sorts of issues, but in this alone I think your DP is doing the right thing.

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:25

LOL Bozza, I think I really need to toughen myself up then.
I'll just need to leave the room or something!
I think I am too soft, prob overcompensating for my own draconion upbringing!

OP posts:

Bozza · 01/11/2006 16:25

DS is my first child misdee. Still used to smirk as I heard him sit down, breathe and then cry.

misdee · 01/11/2006 16:28

lol bozza, that would crack me up.

dd1 used to have quiet tantrums. she would run into a corner and not look at us. very easy to deal with lol.

mamalamadingdong · 01/11/2006 16:29

I the problem here is that this is your child and it should be your decision, actually. And your partner should not be trampling over your wishes in regard to your child. Yes, sit down and decide how you think things should be handled, but I think a step-parent unilaterally deciding to punish someone else's child is unacceptable and is storing up a lot of trouble for themselves, the relationship and the whole family. I'm a step-parent myself by the way, and have children of my own too.
If you do want to look at how to manage your son's behaviour, what sort of things is your son being punished/told off for? There are alternatives to 'naughty steps' that are effective for small children.

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:29

Oh thanks everyone, I feel like i've got some prespective now and dp isn't the big bad monster!
Will let him carry on, i am definetly too soft !

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Mud · 01/11/2006 16:31

a stepparetn who lives in the house is a parent in all but name and shoudl be part of the agreement especially for a small child

mamalamadingdong · 01/11/2006 16:32

'agreement', yes, not overuling the child's own parent and doing things against her will.

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:33

He is his father to all intents and purposes except biologically.

OP posts:

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:35

He has stopped doing this since I blew my top, but we're still disagreeing about it (privately).
I understand what your saying though.
We need to come to an agreement that we BOTH agree on.

OP posts:

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