My DP disciplining my DS and I don't agree !!

[hoolagirl]

Aggghhh what a nightmare!
Sorry had to get that off my chest !
My DS is 2 in January. He is admittedly a little tyke, wont do what he's told, but who isn't at that age !
So now DP has decided that i'm mollycoddlying him and that its time for discipline!
Well his idea of discipline is to have him sitting on the couch crying and being told not to move.
Now im not against discipline in the slightest, but I think that DS is far too young for this type.
I usually will give him into trouble there and then and thats it over.
I think DP is dragging it out by having him sit on the couch.
Well I have exploded twice over the past two days because of this and if we can't come to some arrangement then its going to damage our relationship or DP's health!
Admittedly DP has a pretty polite 12 year old DS, but I think he is being a bloody bully !
How on earth do you cope with the discipline of step kids !
How can we come to some agreement without me wanting to rip his head off !

Yes, you may be right Bozza. I'm not sure though - I have a 2.1yo and I think he has been very aware of the difference between his family members, especially parents, and other people for quite a long time now.

I admit I might possibly be a bit biased because my mother moved my stepfather in immediately after my parents divorced (I was nearly 5) and her attitude was "he's your father now, do as he says", he was allowed to bath us, smack, shout, threaten, do whatever the hell he pleased. I think it's important to tread carefully where small children and step-parents are concerned.

But that is another issue, I may have become sidetracked by my own experiences.

hoolagirl, just wanted to say that i don't think you're oiverreacting. I don't think that your DP is using an appropriate punishment for a 2 yr old.
totally agree with everything spidermama has said.

my ds is 2 in february and there is no way I would treat him like that.

greeny I have a 5 yo and a 2yo - world of difference between a nearly 5 and a nearly 2 yo and can understand how you must have felt. I do suppose it depends though whether the dp has been on the scene for weeks or months/years.

I think the actual punishment is irrelevant really - only Hoolagirl knows if her DS is old enough for it, I can't honestly remember when mine got old enough for time out. Some kids would be ready at 2, some not. It's the fact that the two adults are not agreeing which is the problem.

Thanks for all your comments, I'm rubbish at parenting when it comes to discipline.
I am inconsistent and a blatant example of that happened this morning.
I know I shouldn't laugh when he's naughty, its at minor things, but i'll need to stop that.
Maybe if my own behaviour changes so will ds's.
I am off to the library today to see if i can pick up a good book, I take on board all your comments. Thanks.

Message withdrawn

I found Toddler Taming by Christopher Green really good, Hoola.

Naughty things, gosh there is soooo many!
Throwing things hard, hitting, nipping, grabbing things off people that he wants (i think this is natural at this age, but am trying to discourage it)
He is quite defiant at times and will watch you while he is doing something bad to see what kind of reaction he will get.

My mum also informed me today that she sits him on the couch when he's being naughty when she watches him.
According to her i'm way too soft and need to start bucking up my ideas!

Hoolagirl - may I just say that I think you accepted all the advice very graciously, considering how critical some of it was. You're obviously very keen to do what's best for your little boy. Good luck with it

It is normal not naughty (or defiant)for a child of his age to watch for your reaction when they do something - they learn about the world from your reactions and they need to know things are consistent. It is an important developmental stage and he will be absolutely driven to do it. In the (IMO fascinating) book How Babies Think the authors (three scientists) write, "A two year old doesn't even look at the lamp cord (as he reaches out to pull it). Instead his hand goes out to touch it as he looks, steadily, gravely and with great deliberation at you" and goes to explain, "This perverse behaviour actually turns out to be quite rational. Two year olds have just begun to realize that people have different desires. The terrible twos seem to involve a systematic exploration of that idea, almost a ind of experimental research programme. Toddlers are systematically testing the dimension on which their desires and the desires of others may be in conflict. The look is irected at you because you and your reaction, rather than the lamp cord itslef, are the really interesting thing. With these two year olds, as with scientists, finding the truth is more than a profession, it is a passion."
Grabbing is also totally normal and will fade as he gets older. Throwing is also normal and not IMO naughty. If it was dangerous I'd simply take away the object he was throwing and distract him. In fact he will naturally grow out of a lot of this behaviour. I would recommend that for hitting (which is mostly experimental as he has only the vaguest idea that he can hurt you, you just say no firmly and seriously and ignore him for a few moments.
My youngest child is a similar age to yours and I would not consider a 'naughty' step or anything similar. I think it is both pointless and unkind when used for babies.

"A two year old doesn't even look at the lamp cord (as he reaches out to pull it). Instead his hand goes out to touch it as he looks, steadily, gravely and with great deliberation at you"

SO TRUE!

I would guess that simply having a much more stern, serious and authoritative tone of voice and expression when you admonish him, ignoring undesirable behaviour, plus lots of encouragement for sharing, being gentle etc, will do much more for your son than being forced onto the sofa and shouted at not to move. My youngest simply would have no idea of what I was trying to achieve by that. That sort of discipline is usually inappropriate for under-twos anyway.

I should add there is no shouting, just an stern tone.
Gunpowder, I don't mind critiscim (sorry cant spell ).
There's no point beating about the bush when it comes to these matters I suppose and I appreciate all views no matter what they are, god knows my own methods don't work

Well, maybe you could agree to try the stern tone and brief ignoring as a kind of compromise between your different styles? Also, I'd suggest he might need to reduce his expectations of someone who is basically a baby.