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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My DP disciplining my DS and I don't agree !!

65 replies

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 15:50

Aggghhh what a nightmare!
Sorry had to get that off my chest !
My DS is 2 in January. He is admittedly a little tyke, wont do what he's told, but who isn't at that age !
So now DP has decided that i'm mollycoddlying him and that its time for discipline!
Well his idea of discipline is to have him sitting on the couch crying and being told not to move.
Now im not against discipline in the slightest, but I think that DS is far too young for this type.
I usually will give him into trouble there and then and thats it over.
I think DP is dragging it out by having him sit on the couch.
Well I have exploded twice over the past two days because of this and if we can't come to some arrangement then its going to damage our relationship or DP's health!
Admittedly DP has a pretty polite 12 year old DS, but I think he is being a bloody bully !
How on earth do you cope with the discipline of step kids !
How can we come to some agreement without me wanting to rip his head off !

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Spidermama · 01/11/2006 16:36

I totally disagree with the majority of people on this thread. My ds is also 2 in January hoola and he is certainly not old enough for any sort of 'time out' discipline. I agree it sounds bullying and I understand why you are upset. Time out only works if the child is old enough to understand what it's about./ This boy isn't even 2 yet fgs!

Your ds is too young to make the connection between whatever it is he's suppposed to have done, and this great big man forcing him to sit still for no apparent reason.

This must be very hard for you and you have my sympathy but you must put your ds first and your dp needs to bow to your methods.

Mud · 01/11/2006 16:37

how many children do you have spider?

Surfermum · 01/11/2006 16:39

I think hoolagirl has already established that this isn't an issue about her ds not being her partner's biological son, but about their differing views on discipline.

I'm with the rest hoolagirl. DD is 3.5 and time out works really well for her too, but boy does it pull at the heartstrings when I see her face crumble and the tears start to fall.

morningpaper · 01/11/2006 16:40

spider what DO you do when your child is doing something outrageous? e.g. hitting another child, sticking fingers in sockets? I already put my one year old on the floor when I have said NO twice - i.e. a third firm NO, plonk on floor, walk away to do something else. I think if you don't get a reaction to a firm NO, some kind of time-out surely has to be the next step?

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:41

I don't really have a method of discipline thats effective.
DS does understand that he's not to get down from the couch, but I don't think he knows exactly why, which is why I disagree so much.
He is just generally being naughty and believe me, he knows when he is naughty and does it deliberately, but then I always end up laughing!
I think we need to find some sort of inbetween if there is one at this age!

OP posts:

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:44

I need to go out, I will be checking back with interest later!

OP posts:

Bibliophile · 01/11/2006 16:44

What exactly do you mean by 'general naughtiness'? Can you give examples?

Bibliophile · 01/11/2006 16:44

What exactly do you mean by 'general naughtiness'? Can you give examples?

Bibliophile · 01/11/2006 16:46

If you seriously don't want a child to repeat a behaviour, laughing at it is totally counterproductive. I just think a lot of what people call 'naughtiness' is pretty normal (ie running away while getting dressed, wriggling at nappy changes) and punishment is inappropriate. How can you suggest how to handle behaviour if we don't even know what it is?

bluejelly · 01/11/2006 16:47

'how not to be a perfect mother' by libby purves has great tactics for managing two year olds behaviour

Original poster

hoolagirl · 01/11/2006 16:55

Certainly wriggly and running away are just expected and don't get punished or even mentioned!
Really need to go now!!

OP posts:

Spidermama · 01/11/2006 18:36

Mud I have four.

I would just say a firm 'No' to let him no I was displeased and concentrate on praising good behaviour and on distraction.

For hitting incidents I say 'NO' firmly, then make an extra big fuss of the hit victim.

SSSandy · 01/11/2006 18:43

Find leaving a child to sit on the sofa and cry at that age is totally inacceptable. I wouldn't allow dp to act like that towards my dp because it totally conflicts with my own methods of bringing up my dc.

Think you have to go with your feelings on this. I find it very wrong. Sounds to me as if dp simply can't cope/isn't very interested in the boy TBH. Perhaps he was less involved when his dd was this small or feels boys need a strong hand?

HappyMumof2 · 01/11/2006 19:18

Message withdrawn

DontBurnMeImJustATwiglett · 01/11/2006 19:35

oh I totally DISagree with the previous 3 posters

the child is 2 - more than old enough for time-out

I think if you are laughing at him being 'naughty' you are reinforcing his behaviour

WhizzBangCaligula · 01/11/2006 19:38

Reading between the lines hoolagirl, it sounds like your DP is frustrated with your inconsistency - laughing at behaviour that you don't like, is very unfair on your child because it sends him mixed messages about that behaviour and encourages him to repeat it. It sounds like your DP is trying to balance up your indulgence by being more strict, but that doesn't work either because you both have to be consistent and the poor kid needs to know what his boundaries are. And ideally they need to be the same with you and your dp. It's totally unfair that he might get punished for something which an hour ago was acceptable.

What is the naughty behaviour you're talking about btw? Do you and your DP agree on what behaviour is acceptable or not?

Greensleeves · 01/11/2006 19:39

I agree with HMo2

He's a baby, not even 2. I think it would be quite frightening for a child that age to have a man who is not his father discipline him in this way.

SSSandy · 01/11/2006 19:43

oh do you twiglet. Well, you know, if I ever agreed with you on any aspect of parenting, I think I'd get worried!

Greensleeves · 01/11/2006 19:49

I do agree about consistency and not laughing at bad behaviour though, there is no excuse for that really. If your child has you being totally inconsistent and confusing him, while your partner is being (IMO) too heavy-handed and frightening him, that's a pretty bad mixture for a little boy who isn't even two yet .

harpsichordsgoingBANGandWHOOSH · 01/11/2006 20:00

I think if the boy doesn't know why he is being asked to sit still, it is almightily pointless.
time out onlys "works" if he is capable of that kind of logical thought. he might be, or not - but hoolagirl doesn't think so.
though I only really use a "time out" kind of thing for calming down time and not for "punishment"

DontBurnMeImJustATwiglett · 01/11/2006 20:00

@ Sssandy .. I'm afraid I don't know if I agree with you on other parenting points or not as I've not really been aware of us crossing posts before ..

HappyMumof2 · 01/11/2006 20:45

Message withdrawn

Bozza · 01/11/2006 20:52

Greensleeves he is not yet two. If hoolagirl's DP has been on the scene for a while the fact that he is "a man who is not his father" will not be relevent.

There does seem to be some general agreement between the two camps re consistency here hoola. Hope the two of you can work on that.

GreenPowderPlotSleeves · 01/11/2006 20:52

Don't get used to it

HappyMumof2 · 01/11/2006 20:54

Message withdrawn

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