The ex, dd, holidays

[lounear35]

I'm being selfish and horrible and have said nothing to anyone but I really don't want my dd (12 yrs old) to go on weeks hol with her dad. I know I'm horrible. She says she wants to go and i will never ever stop her but she then says she's not sure I told her to make a decision as he had booked tickets so she said yes and then turns round and says I'm making her go. I can't win In 10 yrs apart from her dad I have never stopped her seeing him even tho I hate him and can't trust him. Now I'm the bad guy as always either I "make" her go to him or I take her side and make him angry.... wished I had listened to my old nan 14 yrs ago and not marry him

You need some consistency and in my opinion she is wanting you to tell her to go. Kids don't really want choices and responsibility of letting one parent or the other "win" their company.

If dad's bought tickets already, presumably he thought she was going. She should be told to keep that commitment or it's pretty crappy behaviour. My ex has been a compete knob tonight - behaved toward DD exactly the way he used to to me and God there was a part of me that wants her to know what her dad's like and not want to see him but having seen my DSD go through the pain of being alienated from her dad (my DH) I wouldn't wish that on any child and so will keep smiling and telling her she must see her dad. If he and I were together she wouldn't have to decide if to see him or not, it's not fair to burden a child with that decision just because their parents split.

Ur totally right altho I don't want her to go last time he took her away he forgot her and she was at Heathrow on her own for three hrs aged 10. I'm jealous to cause I can't afford holidays yet he can't afford to pay any maintaince for her for 10yrs. When she was 3 he threatened to take her and never bring her back and by me allowing him her passport 2 yrs ago I broke the court order as it states she's not allowed out of the country

If the court order states she's not allowed out of the country, how has it got this far? Why has he booked tickets?

So, he has previously left her at Heathrow (I have no idea how it is even possible to forget a 10 yr old at an airport), you had reason to believe he would not return her from abroad to the point of getting a court order preventing her from leaving the country and yet you thought it a good idea to let her go away with him again...? Really?

Stop her going. I can't believe you said she could go in the first place.

I didn't say she could go. He said that they were going on holiday and X said she would like to go nothing more was said til yesterday when he messaged saying flights booked. In fairness she is 12 and old enough to decide herself whether she goes or not. Only good thing is his parents new wife and kids going as well this time.

The court order is for contact and states he is not allowed to hold her passport and any thing above the stated court order needs to go thru solicitor but when I went to them they said contact order only comes into practice when there's issues and non contact etc but he's been there every other weekend no issues and child is now 12 and is legally entitled to decide things herself

What country is he taking her to?

I don't think a 12 year old is old enough to decide given the specific scenarios you describe (negligence and the threat of abduction)

I didn't say she could go.

Yes you did. You gave permission when you put the decision in the hands of your child.

I think that your dd knows you are not happy about her going and that is why she has doubts about going. She is telling you that you are making her go as an out for not letting you down.

He may have been irresponsible in the past but you clearly don't think that is an issue now or your wouldn't have let it get this far.

You had agreed to her going knowing the issue with the passport He said that they were going on holiday and X said she would like to go nothing more was said til yesterday when he messaged saying flights booked. It is now really unfair for you to stop this. Holding of passports and going away for a week may well be a different in the eyes of the court, I am not sure.

I think that whilst you feel bad that you don't take your DD on holiday you need to stick by the situation and she should go. At 12 she is not old enough to understand the consequences of her actions and how if she is allowed to drift away from her dad now.

If I had written I didn't allow her to go at 12 yrs old I would have been shot down for not allowing her freedom or the chance to spend time with her dad and his family. That fact I allow her to go shows i am in favour of her her relationship with him and his family and encourage her cause I never want her to turn round and accuse me of not letting her see him and have a life with him. I have said no such fears to my dd and voiced my fears on here so no one else in my family could have their influence. When a judge talks to a 12 yr old their views are taken very seriously so according to solicitor if dd wants to go she can. His threat of taking her wad 9 yrs ago at the start of a very difficult separation and divorce and tempers were raw I believe he deserves another chance. When he left her at Heathrow thankfully my child had wit to find a police officer quickly and he admitted his fault and hasn't asked til now to go again. I hate him but he's her dad I don't and never have made decisions without taking my dd in account and as she got older was asked what she wanted regarding contact. I merely came here for support now feeling like even worse mother as it seems I have allowed my 12 yr old to much choice and that her dad who made mistakes isn't allowed another chance I'm pretty sure 99% on here have taken a chance with their ex !

From reading your post I get the impression that it's not so much you don't want your DD to go on holiday with her dad. It's more that you feel envious that she is because you can't as yet afford to do the same for her - although you really want to.

I think your DD senses your anxiety that you can't do the same yet and that is why she's worried about going. The best thing you can do (if you're happy for her to be in dad's care) is to encourage her to go. Just because you are unable to provide the same type of holiday as her dad doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy the things you do together from a day out.

If your worried about taking her away yourself - could you afford to save a bit of money and put it aside for a short weekend break? I'm sure she'd still enjoy going away with you and the one on one time together.