"You knew what you were getting into..."

[happygirl87]

Real genuine qu here- how come when a step parent posts, people often say "you knew what you were getting into when you married a man with DC", but no one ever responds to bio parents who say "help my baby won't sleep/toddler won't eat etc" in the same way? Isn't the fact that some babies cry through the night just as documented as all the problems of step parenting - and aren't they both just as hard to imagine, in terms of the reality and how you will cope, until youve actually been there?

I see where you are coming from but once I had my baby that was it, no going back.

Meet a man with children then IMO you can have 'a taste' if you like if what life is going to be like with children.

If it's not to your liking them you have the chance to walk away.

A choice.

Well, I think the issue is more that a lot of people who develop relationships absolutely do NOT know what they're 'getting into'.

It is a particularly unhelpful response to step parenting problems, you are right it does come up in the threads every time.

When my DH and I got together, I knew what it was like to parent small children, I also had a good idea of how to parent DSS.

Now 8 years later, I had no idea how to parent teenagers, I do now. I had no idea how my DSS would change completely and how outside influences would change his attitude to me and my DC, nor all the problems that would cause and how to deal with them. I now know, would I have done this all if I had known 8 years ago? Probably yes. But it does not mean it is a tough road and one that needs support and help from others.

I also find that if I moan about DSS he is instantly referred to as 'poor boy'. If I moan about my DS he is never 'poor boy'.

Depends on what the step parent is complaining about really.

"I'm sick of having my space invaded by DSC every weekend/EOW" - yes well that should have been a reasonable expectation.

However, no one really understands how hard parenting will be until you are knee deep in the situation and sometimes you are allowed to have a moan.

Yes I do agree that it is a very particular position where you cannot fully relax and have confidence in decisions in your own home and your parenting. But this only occurs when the other parent is hyper critical.

...or that sometimes they will treat their bio parent really badly/thoughtlessly, aided and abetted/actively encouraged by their main residency bio parent and as SP you can't say or do a damn thing.
My teens get pulled up on all sorts that the SDs don't because if we upset them they just decide not to come. I'd much rather parent them all to the same standard, as we did when they were little. Sigh.

It's both valid and a totally ridiculous thought.

Some people do just sleepwalk into a situation that they then moan about. And it's appropriate phrase then. For example someone who doesn't like how their bf parents their child but goes ahead with moving in with them. They already knew.

And then there are other situations where they couldn't possibly have known what lay ahead.

I don't think it's ever on to say it to anyone. It's so judgy and unhelpful.

I feel like screaming whenever I hear this phrase said.

Actually no, not everyone knows what they were getting in to when they started a relationship with a man with a child/children. They may think they do but in reality often not. I certainly didn't.

I went into it with a few very naive pre-conceived notions of how I though things "worked". Such as; the other parent in the equation will be a rational person capable of putting their children's needs first, if it doesn't work out I can walk away, it's only at the weekend - how bad can it be? (yeah, that one makes me what to slap my former self), I love children and don't want to take their mother's role so it'll be fine just being friends, I've come from a background of being a step-child so I know the do's and don'ts, I'm a nice person and all in all a pretty positive person to be in a child's life (IMHO) so I can't see there being any difficulties etc.

Now fast forward a good few years. The step-children live with DH and I full time after being removed from their mother for their own safety. They have very minimal contact with her, which obviously has caused emotional problems. But their mother still attempts to turn the children against us at every opportunity she has, bringing massive complications to the children's emotional health. We have a child of our own. I love DSC.

So no matter how hard it is, walking away from them isn't an option for me.

I have parental responsibility for all the DSC (complicated story but it was deemed necessary), treat them like my own, love them like my own and I'm the closest thing to a normal "mother" role they have. But still if I dare complain about a difficult time with any of them, or a situation made more awkward by not being a biological parent I get this phrase thrown carelessly at me.

Rant over, can you tell it's a bit of a bug-bear?

I agree - very unhelpful (and usually warrants and imaginary slap!) thing to say to anyone! I had no idea that our blended family would be so challenging. I also had no idea that DH's ex would go out of her way to turn the DSC against and personally attack me and my DS at every opportunity. 3 years in and I feel so out of control at times - I don't want all the control, but I don't want to feel like a bit of flotsam being washed along in a tidal wave either!! I have just been diagnosed with Lupus, which my consultant reckons was due to the excessive stress. Who can predict that when they are in the warm glow of new love and happy families?!!

needaholiday I really empathise with you- DSD was born when DH was 17 and we got together when we were both 20- I had no friends with kids, no nieces or nephews, and no idea what the day to day reality of parenting or step parenting would be!

I agree that having EOW taken up with DSCs is realistic- but isnt having disturbed sleep or temper tantrums with a baby or toddler? As said upthread, it is a valid sentiment but often unhelpful, and I wish people realised that it's no more use (and no fairer!) saying it to a step mother about her DSCs than it is to a bio parent having a moan.

I had no idea what I was getting into and I've been a step mum before!

Every family is different, every child, every parent and every ex.

You can never predict how that entire mix is going to affect you.

It's not remotely a 'valid sentiment' it is simply a way to make unkindness, complete lack of sympathy and sometimes basic spite seem more socially acceptable.

I think I need to explain better balia.

It's a judgemental, unhelpful and unkind statement to come out with full stop. In any situation - in real life or on a forum.

The "valid" bit is that yes of course you could say it to your best friend, when they've got back with their boyfriend who has cheated on them for the third time. But it's not ok to say it ever. It just serves to make someone feel worse than they already do. We are all different, we all make different choices because of who we are/what we've experienced. Even if someone thinks another person "should" have known or the person just doesn't see it that way, it is never ok to say it in my book.

I agree also. Nobody knows entirely what they're getting in to and half the time it's too late once you realise how difficult it is. Every blended family's problem/s are different so to say "you know what you were getting in to" is a complete understatement.

You may have an idea what it may be like,^ but it's only when your in the thick of it do you realise the true depth of how hard it can be.

To speak for myself. I went in to step parenting as a parent of a child who was also entering in to a step parenting situation. I hoped her step parent would at worst tolerate her and at best love her.

I thought that I could be close to my step child and help her out as a mother figure when her mother wasn't present. I thought I'd be like a really close aunt or cool older sister.

I didn't have any idea what I was getting in to. So yeah. I think that kind of comment is unhelpful.

Thanks Firefly that's a really nice angle- will help me next time I read a thread with the usual line!

I certainly didn't know what I was getting myself in to, our little step family set up was quite lovely until I became pregnant...and then came the difficult behaviour from both DSC and the ex.
Contact was prevented, DH was blackmailed, courts were involved etc.
But by this time I was too deep in it, I was married and was expecting/had a baby with him.

I'm not a step parent but completely agree.

There are some things that you can be told and know logically but nothing can prepare you for the reality.

Having children is the ultimate example of this and it doesn't take much empathy to see that having step children is the same (ie you can't know what it's like til you experience it)

LargeGlassOfWhite - that is such a tricky situation. DH and I were both desperate to have more children but eventually decided that if DH's ex could continue her abuse even after the stress it caused had put me in hospital and her children were very clearly distressed (both are worryingly underweight and have serious problems interacting with people) then it would be selfish to bring another child into the situation. I'm not sure that I would have married DH if I had realised how she would react.

Asteria - your situation sounds scarily similar to mine.
Sorry just a bit unclear tho - was it having a baby or getting married which caused her to give you the abuse?
Part of me would love another baby and I think I'm not going to let his ex stop me, but on the other hand I don't want to risk getting ill again, that wouldn't be fair on my children or anybody else.
I blame her for the way the children are struggling too..instead of reassuring them that dad still loves them even though he's got a new baby, or letting DH prove that he still loves them, she stopped contact for months which only confirmed any insecurities they were feeling (in their minds any way)

As soon as we announced our engagement she flipped - her first reaction was to withhold access and the she started to attack/manipulate/lie at every possible opportunity. We decided that we wouldn't have another child (the grieving nearly ended our relationship) shortly after our first wedding anniversary, as it was clear that she was unstable (narc/bpd behaviour) rather than just a passing phase.
I have never wished ill of anyone, but I sometimes imagine how much better all our lives would be without her dripping poison into them. A woman who purposefully hurts her own children so as to hurt her ex, doesn't deserve to be a mother.

I think that comment is only appropriate when it comes with a hint that their partner and/or children should be change well established patterns to suit the step-parent whose suddenly came into their lives, or those who make it very clear that they wish the children didn't exist in the first place. Obviously biological parents might complain, but ask for advice on how THEY can make changes to suit the family and would never give away their children however frustrated they get.