"You knew what you were getting into..."

[happygirl87]

Real genuine qu here- how come when a step parent posts, people often say "you knew what you were getting into when you married a man with DC", but no one ever responds to bio parents who say "help my baby won't sleep/toddler won't eat etc" in the same way? Isn't the fact that some babies cry through the night just as documented as all the problems of step parenting - and aren't they both just as hard to imagine, in terms of the reality and how you will cope, until youve actually been there?

"Well established patterns" could be in place for the step parent too. In many cases the step parent and her children are expected to fit in with the "part time" family not the other way round.

I will never forget the upset when dp announced that him and his kids had put to the xmas decorations up while I was at work. When I complained he simply said "but this is what we always do". He just couldn't "get" that ds and I had traditions around xmas too and that maybe him and his children could have given us a thought!

When you establish a new family, it's a mix of old and new. Everyone should compromise, not just the step parent.

Needaholiday my DSD is almost 10 too- we must swap notes and ! Do you see her EOW?

i think step parenting is much more difficult to parenting because of the lack of control you have over the situation.
If you have a problem with your own DCs you have a quite a lot of power to fix things, I'm not saying it's easy, but you have your own DCs the majority of the time and you can invest your time and efforts in to fixing problems.
But with DSC if you have a problem you're often pretty powerless to fix them, especially when you have a limited amount of time with them and you have their mother dictating rules and conditions and telling you you're doing everything wrong.
When DSC were little it was fairly easy, yeh we had difficult patches but no major behavioural problems.
Now we do and we're pretty powerless to fix them.
I didn't know what I was getting myself in to and I never for a minute envisaged how my DSC's behaviour was going to cause so much distress to my own DCs

Agree with this, a lot of the tensions in step parenting come because you aren't actually parenting. You are dealing with (Usually) 2 parents who are the ones who make the rules, enforce the limits within that family - and, as a step parent, you have very little real say in that.

Not having any say can be really stressful. I'd like my step son (Uni age home for the holidays) to wash up after he cooks something for himself. His father doesn't want the rolled eyes and half arsed job done. I'm not going to tidy it up so its left with his Dad who feels like I'm not supporting him. Go figure.

This statement really fucking annoys me. My OH says it sometimes, when I am raising an issue about his daughter and I dare to have an opinion in my own home. As if he is doing me a favour!!

There seem to be standard sayings either sides, partners telling SM that they knew what they were getting into, SM retorting about their rights in their OWN home :)

Surely a SM has rights within her own home, regardless of whether she knew what she was getting into!!!

But what if everything seemed ok when you got together and it's only when your relationship turns serious (marriage, children) do problems start? How can you validate that statement then?

koala I think the expectation is that women who get involved with a man with DCs should have a crystal ball the foresight to predict all eventualities.

The DCs may become hostile, they may choose to live with the NRP full time, they may become violent/abusive towards the SM and her DCs. These are all things that could (and do) happen, and when they do, a SM is expected (by a significant proportion of society) to accept that it was always a possibility and that she should have thought about that when she got involved with a man with children.

Having no influence over consequences or support for a disturbed and unhappy child who is acting out towards you in your own home is often the price you pay for being a stepmum, it seems.

Of course, if she (the SM) ever does admit that she'd considered the possibility that things may be less then perfect, then she's likely to be blamed for the SCs behaviour, as they "obviously knew they weren't welcome."

Very true, Peruvian.

The statement "you knew what you were getting in to" is utter bollocks anyway. For example to quote from your post

The DCs may become hostile. they may become violent/abusive

These are things that can happen in any family blended or not (just take a look at the teen board). On there you're told to give consequence, phone the police and don't stand for it. Sowould those who frequently bring up the statement be saying "Well you knew what you were getting in to when you decided to have a baby!"

Even though the DSC may be behaving like it in the nrp's home, the RP would be told to not accept such behaviour. So why should the NRP and extended family?

Weather you knew what you were getting in to or not, such behaviour shouldn't be tolerated anywhere. And as for the "you knew he had children before" bit. Well yes you did. Doesn't mean you are prepared for such invasiveness from an ex in your own life with your now DC.

Obviously the ex is going to be in your partner's life to an extent because of the shared child/ren. But even when they overstep the mark in to your own relationship it seems to be "Well you knew..." Of course, we should all tolerate that....

I meant now DP not DC

CocaKoala, that's an astute post. And by the same token, if I were to say 'Because I have thought about what I might be getting into I am not going to live with DP until his DCs have all left home,' I imagine I might be labelled selfish by some.

My DP's teenagers all live with him full-time, which I think makes things easier, actually - as in easier to face up to the potential challenges ahead, especially as I have my own teenagers too.

We wouldn't attempt to blend them. That way lies madness. But we do have friends who express surprise we're not planning to do it. I tell them I have been reading the boards on MN and woken up to reality.

I totally agree that bad/hostile behaviour should not be tolerated anywhere - however sadly a lot of non resident fathers DO tolerate bad behaviour, simply because they're terrified of upsetting their children and having less contact. And as a SM, if your DH/DP elects not to do any parenting, and also tries to prevent you from putting your foot down, then you're rather stuck.

And that's the element of step parenting that many of us had no idea we were getting into ......

The DCs may become hostile, they may choose to live with the NRP full time, they may become violent/abusive towards the SM and her DCs.

The same could be said about hostile, mean and abusive to their SC and say horrific things about them online

It can't be that step mothers are mostly the victims, who have been anything but fair on mostly minor step children. That would be a lie, if going by this board

Or maybe step mums on Mumsnet's Step-parenting board just have better behaved children but hostile, abusive and violent step children and spineless husbands who disney only their previous relationships children.

Or the world has dealt all you a weak hand.

But the strangest thing is that most posts on here are just from step mums who claim to "not love, or hate" their step children but can miraculously not able to show it to them! All lies!

It is true, you all knew what you were getting into

I agree with the op.

In some respects it is easier not to have a biological child, after all it is preventable. So why do it and then complain when times are tough? Interesting question actually..
The fact remains that approximately half of all long term relationships breakdown and this figure is set to keep rising. Therefore the majority of single people will have children from a previous relationship. What should people do? Remain single for the rest of their life?

I think blaming the ex is not the answer.

Hard times all round.

It is true, you all knew what you were getting into

Really, you are coming off very hostile from your posts. Yes you can get abusive SP as you can RP - point being? Nobody said any different.

Are you telling me I knew before I married my partner that his ex would suddenly up the ante to hatred of the family - children included, even though she was fine with it at first. And that this hatred would damage my own DC, who for all accounts are as innocent as the DSC in all this?

Reallly??

I have nothing but respect for my DSC. But damn right I will say something if they were to verbally or physically assault my children or myself. As I would my own children. It doesn't make me a wicked SM. It makes me a parent and person who insists on mutual respect and believes that any child SDC or DC will face appropriate consequences for their actions.

Oh, and while I am a SP I am also a person with 2 SP's too. So I have experience of both sides of the coin.

Depends on what the step parent is complaining about really.

I agree with this. One thing that a woman who contemplates partnering with a man who has children needs to consider beforehand is the possibility that EOW and holidays may become full time, for a variety of reasons. Both of my step-children eventually came to live with us full time.

possibility that EOW and holidays may become full time

I agree with you there. That is one aspect I suppose that has to go through the SP mind - that there could be a point that you may have to have DSC living with you for whatever reason. You'd have to be open to that to a degree as you enter the relationship and understand that it could become a reality.

mikeandthemechanics

nicely proved the point for the OP there mike, you must feel better now.