Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

"You knew what you were getting into..."

75 replies

happygirl87 · 29/03/2015 19:52

Real genuine qu here- how come when a step parent posts, people often say "you knew what you were getting into when you married a man with DC", but no one ever responds to bio parents who say "help my baby won't sleep/toddler won't eat etc" in the same way? Isn't the fact that some babies cry through the night just as documented as all the problems of step parenting - and aren't they both just as hard to imagine, in terms of the reality and how you will cope, until youve actually been there?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FitouForMe · 02/04/2015 13:53

Oh and why namechange purely to take a swipe at stepparents? how cowardly

mikeandthemechanics · 02/04/2015 13:54

I name change about twice a month!

FitouForMe · 02/04/2015 14:02

I'm not surprised by this.

mikeandthemechanics · 02/04/2015 14:10

Cowardice is taking onto the internet about step children

mikeandthemechanics · 02/04/2015 14:12

Cowardice is taking onto the internet about step children and portraying yourself as victims

FitouForMe · 02/04/2015 14:13

Now you're just being silly as well as spiteful.

MaryWestmacott · 02/04/2015 14:14

Is it only cowardice to talk about problems with step-children, or is it ok for those of us with issues with our own DCs to talk about them/ask for help/solutions?

I'm not a step-parent, but from the friends who are,the difference in level of problems that have to be faced, comes from what sort of person the other parent is. That's not something that can always be known before moving it and becoming part of a family, so how can you know what you're getting into if you don't know all the major factors?

I thought I knew what I was getting into when I got pregnant with DC1, but already there's been so many challanges and issues that I'd not predicted (nor could have predicted), and I've not got to teenage years yet. It's rather unfair to hold step-parents up to a higher standard of foresight than parents.

mikeandthemechanics · 02/04/2015 14:14

as silly and spiteful as you are

mikeandthemechanics · 02/04/2015 14:16

the difference in level of problems that have to be faced, comes from what sort of person the other parent is

The difference in level of problems that have to be faced, comes from what sort of people you both are

mikeandthemechanics · 02/04/2015 14:18

It's rather unfair to hold step-parents up to a higher standard of foresight than parents

It's rather unfair of step-parents to hold step children to a higher standard of behaviour

SidandAndysSexToy · 02/04/2015 14:18

I'm not an abusive stepparent. I'm quite nice. I find that I get very different reactions on here depending on whether I refer to my stepson as my stepson or son, discussing exactly the same issues.

As for 'you knew what you were getting into', well, no. In that I didn't know my husband's ex would die, and that the kids would live with us full time, or that one of them would die herself after a distressing illness, and we would go through years of extremely difficult circumstances. I didn't know both children would have severe emotional difficulties and need supporting through those. I didn't know that my stepson would turn out to have ASD. I didn't know we would have serious financial problems as a result of some of the above. But you know what? Like most stepparents on here, and out there in the rest of the world, I roll with the punches and try to do the very best I can for my family, step and not. I've made many personal sacrifices for my family, and it's quite hurtful that MN has people posting who will think 'well, serves her right for getting into a relationship with a man with kids'.

To the poster who says that stepparents can just walk away and that's the difference between knowing what a baby involves and what stepkids involve, I don't think many of them are that shallow. When you love someone, partner AND children, it's not actually as simple as deciding that things have got tricky, and after all, these aren't your kids, so you're off. You need and want advice on how to survive a difficult situation, not just quit.

FitouForMe · 02/04/2015 14:18

as silly and spiteful as you are

oh dear are you twelve?

look, I'm not going to respond any more because it's too funny I'm too long in the tooth to be goaded into saying anything ban-able to you.

Nice try though.

MaryWestmacott · 02/04/2015 14:29

Mike - sorry, by 'other parent' I ment, your DP's ex - you can judge from the sort of person you've got into a relationship with, what sort of parent they are from observing them etc, but until living together, few step-parents I know met the ex, the other parent who will be the key factor in what sort of life you'll have.

slithytove · 02/04/2015 14:29

Reported

PeruvianFoodLover · 02/04/2015 16:44

mike if you're a regular poster here, you'll know that I'm not a stepmum anymore, but that my DD has stepparents and it from that perspective I post here.

I have, many times, expressed the hope that my DDs stepmum has someone, or somewhere, she can vent about my DD. If she didn't curse, swear and generally rant about DD now and again, she's unlikely to be as good a stepmum as she is.

My DD is a hormonal, irrational and illogical teen. I rant about her to friends and family at times - why the hell should her SM be held to a higher standard of behaviour? Why shouldn't DD know that her stepmum gets frustrated with her sometimes? She knows that her Dad and I do - does her stepmum somehow hold a role that operates on a higher plain?

I don't know what your experience of stepmothers is or why you feel the need to staunchly defend stepchildren, but if it is as a mother of DCs with a stepmum, I can only emphasis strongly that you do not represent all mothers with your views.

needaholidaynow · 02/04/2015 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProbablyJustGas · 02/04/2015 20:25

Despite the divorce rate being what it is, I don't think nearly as many people have the experience of being a step-parent as being a bio-parent. For example, IME, no one in my own family was a step-parent. The step-parents I did meet throughout my life were not close family friends who would have discussed their feelings and issues with my folks. They were, in fact, the adult jerks who made my teenage boyfriends feel bad about themselves for one reason or another.

There is not nearly as much knowledge about step-parenting being passed down from generation to generation, as there is bio-parenting. So, to say "you knew what you were getting into," is unfair. Most of us aren't made aware of the negatives or the delicate balance of relationships that step-parenting can require at all, and we're often left completely on our own with our feelings and frustration. We're not made aware of the issues we might experience right away, nor the ones that we should probably anticipate over time - unless we go out of our way to find discussion boards like these.

ProbablyJustGas · 02/04/2015 20:29

In fact, I have said to DH "you knew what you were getting into" when he's complained about our high-maintenance baby DD, and how little time we've had for each other lately. Because he'd been through it before raising DSD. And because everyone warns you that babies cry, don't sleep, and put a wedge (temporarily) between couples.

Ginmartini · 03/04/2015 08:00

I think the expression 'you knew what you were getting into' is being slightly misinterpreted by some.

Of course no potential step parent is a fortune teller, of course you don't know what life with throw at you, how the SC will develop, what they will experience, how your relationship will grow (or not), what financial troubles you may encounter etc etc.

But I think any step parent has to think loooong and hard, to really consider what they are doing - to put aside their feelings of love and passion for their new partner and think dispassionately about entering a step situation. To remember your partner is going to be their parent forever and they will always be a priority, not just until they are 18 - is this something you really want or can cope with?

Because you only have to go on these boards to see how very very challenging step parenting can be.

All that said, OP, I agree it's not a very helpful expression for people to use!

Nightingalemumoftwo · 03/04/2015 08:16

Interesting thread!
My DP and I have been together 20 months or so; we do not live together. When he has his DC and I am on a day off I am expected to spend the day with them (I do, and the SDC are lovely), when I have my DC and he is not st work he never spends time with us. Should I say something?

FitouForMe · 03/04/2015 08:22

Where is he when it's your day off and you have the children, what would he do with them if he wasn't with you.

If the answer is they would be with Mum then, yes, something needs to change and quick. The presence of a new partner available to be an unpaid babysitter should not be the reason he has contact visits, they should be visiting with him, not you.

Ginmartini · 03/04/2015 08:22

Nightingale - I think it should be based mainly on what's right for the kids really. Maybe his children would love to have him to themselves sometimes, without you there, maybe your children feel the same or maybe they want to spend time together as a unit.

It's not really just about tit for tat and him doing it for you - though of course your feelings should come into it! Just have a talk with him about the whole situation, maybe you can come up with a plan that involves all of you together with both sets of kids and sometimes you both with your own...

rookiemere · 03/04/2015 08:33

I'm not a stepmum but I regularily read this board, I find the dynamics so interesting.

It seems to me that a lot of the step parenting issues are caused because society - men and ourselves, hold women up to much higher standards than they do men. So in Nightingales example he expects her to spend time with DP's DCs but he doesn't spend time with hers. Why would he have that expectation and why would she think it is reasonable?

In so many situations the new female partner seems to have to take on the role of pseudo mum so doing all grunt work with little thanks, expected to come out on all outings, when surely it would be more appropriate for DCs to spend time with their DF on their own if they see him rarely.

It's pretty much the same model that happens with the standard set up, but somehow it seems slightly less iniquitous there, because at least the woman is doing it for her own DCs.

Sorry hope you don't mind me intruding.

SidandAndysSexToy · 03/04/2015 09:00

GinMartini, of course life events happen to us all. But step parents on here get the 'should have known' line thrown at them for everything. Not just 'my partner loves his children, what a bastard' threads, which are pretty rare. Step parents just trying to figure out how to live their lives with stepchildren in them are given a hard time.

Wdigin2this · 03/04/2015 12:18

It's a statement that really gets on my nerves....of course you don't know what you're getting into! Nobody knows how any situation is going to turn out until it happens, you can have an idea, make plans, organise your thinking, and then wham...something unexpected happens that changes everything! Stepparenting is a damn difficult job, which you can't appreciate until you're in the middle of it!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread