Child free time.

[Sonny1]

My 3 DSDs live with us full time and spend EOWE at their mum's. I have asked (repeatedly) that those weekends be uninterrupted. It's the only time I get to relax, say what I like, wander around naked and generally be completely myself with OH.
This amounts to 2 Friday nights, 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays a month. Fewer than 6 x 24hr periods out of a possible 31.
DSS keeps turning up, piping in to get his watch or some other non critical item. The last time they were meant to be at their mum's house DSS walked in on us having sex FFS!! Yet in he wandered again today when he's not meant to be here.
Then I find out that OH has told him he can sleep here tonight because it's more convenient for him to get here from a night out than it is to get to his mum's. To say I'm a bit p*ssed off is putting it mildly.
What can't DSS understand about this situation?
I really don't think that fewer than 6 days of privacy a month is unreasonable given that I have no bloody life when they are here for the remaining 25 days of the month.

If there was a legitimate reason that he had to stay here, then of course he should, but just because the taxi is cheaper to our house?!?!
I do so much for OH and DSCs is it really too much to ask to have a couple of days without them when they're meant to be spending time with their mum?

Yes he lives here full time except for every other weekend when he's meant to be at his mum's. He's 18. So he really should understand privacy.
Can't I ban them? :-(

I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee. It's yours sdc's home. They are allowed to wander in and out at will, particularly at 18

All my sdc's lived with us. We never had a day of privacy never mind a weekend

I'm sorry but your home is more or less their full time abode. I think it's unreasonable to want to ban him during your days off.

I see where your coming from but this is what happens when you have kids or take them on.

I don't think you should be expecting an 18 year old to still be following a strict access rota tbh. It's his home, of course he should be able to pop in and out.

When parents are divorced /separated and the children live with the resident parent, the dc often stop wanting to spend time with the other parent when they reach their teens as they are building a life for themselves. At the age of 18 I'm surprised he's still spending every other weekend away from his home.

Seriously? You want to ban them from their home EOWE? If I were that 18 yr old I'd be popping in purely to piss you off. What did you expect when you moved in with a man who had 3 DC?

The thought of my ds at age 18 being banned from his home is pretty horrid.

Surely it's his own home so he can be there when he wants?

And re-reading the OP. you say you have no life when the step kids are there, in their home. If you didn't want to be a step parent then you shouldn't have got with a man who has children.

Really Alpaca? These SDCc haven't done anything OP wouldn't have been able to anticipate, they are just going into their home. How could the likelihood of this happening passed her by?

**

That sentiment may have been unfair if the OP was complaining about a step parenting issue she hadn't anticipated, but for moaning about the presence of the stepchildren in her home I'd say it's quite apt.

OP you're getting a hard time here. I can understand why you just want some alone time and some respite.

That said, I don't think you can actually ban them from the house at those times, perhaps you could let them know you're looking to quiet time..wink wink so they'd be too embarrassed to disturb you?

Why do you have no life when they are there? Are you expected to do all the catering? I would reduce the focus on child free time and consider how to make life more balanced the rest of the time.

Sympathies, I understand his important time with your DP is, especially when the vast majority of your time together, right from when you first met, has been fitting into a pre-existing family. It's a hard thing to lose. But as others have said, you can't really pass teenagers around between parents on a strict rota. It's their home and they will just decide to call round. My own DCs so it more and now, as do DSC (who technically live with their DM in the week but find our house more convenient) I don't think you can stop them completely. My advice would be to:

• help DSC pack when they're off to they're DM's to reduce the chances of them forgetting things they need.
• plan a weekend away from time to time to get some real time alone
• close the door if you're having sex when you think you've got the house to yourself

Is your DSS going off to uni soon? Of so you might soon get a lot more child free time

I would like to point out to all of the posters who are telling me, what did you expect when you moved in with a man with children. I did not move in with them. They moved in with me. It is my house.
I would also like to point out that I was not the person saying I would like to Ban them. The humour must have been missed when I replied to the first person who commented on this thread.
I have asked him to give us some warning if he has to come over and no, unfortunately walking in on us shagging did not seem to put him off. Now if I was Angelina Jolie, I could understand that, but I'm not
I am quite surprise by the number of people who see step parents as having no rights and no validity to their wants or feelings.
I see nothing wrong with teaching them to be considerate of other peoples feelings and that they can't have what they want all of the time.
It's my home too, so why shouldn't I get to enjoy it a little once a fortnight.

Sonny, what would you do if they were your bio children and didn't have another home to go to 6 days a month?

Op I think the disconnect here is that if they were your dcs with your OH, they'd be coming and going as they pleased. I don't doubt it's a minefield as a step parent (no personal exp) and it does sound frustrating but it seems a bit off to want to put rules on your step children that you wouldn't put on your own.

You can be a bit more relaxed about some things with your bio children eg walking around nude (eg from bedroom to bathroom, not strutting around the house.) I cover up when my DSC are here but my DS often sees me naked usually when he barges into the bathroom, but he is only 4

I only get the same amount of cholid free time as you and I am not a step parent. It's often "invaded" when one or other of them have something they need to be at near home without any kind of consideration for me.

It's called "life with children"

The trouble is, your DSS sees your home as his home. He presumably has his own key and dosn't see a reason to ask permission to pop into his own home to pick up something he's left behind - just like you wouldn't yourself. And I think yet trying to get his to start asking permission is going to seem that you're pushing him out of his home. From what you say he did ask about staying the extra night and your DP said yes without checking with you. But tbh both me and my DH quite often say yes to casual requests to stay extra nights for whatever reason, from my DC or my DSC - we feel we want them to feel at home so usually just check the family diary, and say yes if there's nothing to suggest it would be a problem, then let the other one know.

You could ask your DP to check with to you first, but I think you'll create a lot of conflict if you start saying he can't stay at home on nights when he's planned to be at his mum's. 18 year olds have their own lives and wanting to rearrange or cancel contact to suit his own plans is entirely normal