Child free time.

[Sonny1]

My 3 DSDs live with us full time and spend EOWE at their mum's. I have asked (repeatedly) that those weekends be uninterrupted. It's the only time I get to relax, say what I like, wander around naked and generally be completely myself with OH.
This amounts to 2 Friday nights, 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays a month. Fewer than 6 x 24hr periods out of a possible 31.
DSS keeps turning up, piping in to get his watch or some other non critical item. The last time they were meant to be at their mum's house DSS walked in on us having sex FFS!! Yet in he wandered again today when he's not meant to be here.
Then I find out that OH has told him he can sleep here tonight because it's more convenient for him to get here from a night out than it is to get to his mum's. To say I'm a bit p*ssed off is putting it mildly.
What can't DSS understand about this situation?
I really don't think that fewer than 6 days of privacy a month is unreasonable given that I have no bloody life when they are here for the remaining 25 days of the month.

If there was a legitimate reason that he had to stay here, then of course he should, but just because the taxi is cheaper to our house?!?!
I do so much for OH and DSCs is it really too much to ask to have a couple of days without them when they're meant to be spending time with their mum?

Yes it is life with children, which is absolutely great if you're the mum/dad. I disagree with those saying I cannot expect them to spend EOWE with their mum. I absolutely can.
If this were the other way around and the mum was saying "no eldest boy, you don't have to go and spend time with your dad if you don't want to" there would be uproar. All of them need to spend time being a family with their mum. Just because it's easier to be here doesn't mean they should be. How do they maintain a family dynamic at their Mum's house if one if them is always here?
Besides my "clearly selfish" want to have a couple of child free days a month, people need to show respect for everyone in their life. I have made them very welcome in my home and even paid for an extension so that they have somewhere to sleep and relax.
I really cannot understand those of you who think that children (especially step children) should be held in such high regard that they come before everyone else. In my mind, that's just setting them up to fail.
In my opinion,if you're committed to being somewhere then you should be there and yes, I certainly would hold my own kids to the same standard. It's called having integrity and respecting those around you.

But OP, if they were yours and oh's then they would be at yours anyway so you wouldn't be holding them to any standard. So it just seems a bit off to have to hold your dscs to these standards.

As for paying for an extension. Are they meant to be grateful?

I have mentioned that I have no experience and actually part of me feels like I would feel the same as you in this situation so I feel for you. Is it a possibility to for OH to speak to his ex about it? She might have some sway with her dcs?

Difficult situation I can see.

I'm trying to point out that I have done a huge amount to make sure they have their own space and some privacy by having extra rooms added to my house. I'm not trying to suggest they should forever be grateful but now that you mention it, if my parents had a room built of me as a kid, yes if course I would have been pleased and thankful that I had a room of my own.
I think people sometimes forget that kids will one day become adults and whilst it's great to enjoy childhood parents and other adults have a social responsibility to help shape kids into considerate and empathic members of the human race so living our entire lives around them is kind of unhealthy.

I think it would be fine to say, x room is completely private, no children allowed at any time. But what you are asking for is that they only come in the house with your permission, even if they do have permission most of the time. No one needs permission to enter their own home. By all means enforce so.e sort of rule - but the one where they can't come in except by prior arrangement will communicate to everyone involved that this emphatically is your house, and is not their hone, and they are there conditionally. Is that something you'd be happy to be saying to them?

They won't be round forever, children fly the nest.

Sonny what does your OH/ their father say about the situation?

When my teen DD has planned to spend the night somewhere else - whether it is with her Dad, a friend or other family member, I expect her to let me know if she changes her plans and before she returns home unexpectedly.

Hell - I expect my DH to do that; if he was scheduled to be away for the weekend and suddenly waltzed in unexpectedly it would totally freak me out!

Like many blended families, ours operates differently when my DD isn't here - we'll plan to refit the bathroom, decorate the hall, or host a dinner party at a time when she's made plans to be somewhere else.

When DH is away, I might plan a girly evening in our home with a couple of friends - no one would be happy if he walked into the middle of a cosmetics/ann summers party!

It's just courtesy to inform people who will be directly affected about your change of plans.

OP, what would you do if something happened which meant they stopped going to their mum's house?

Peruvian - the DSS did inform his dad when he asked to stay an extra night. But if you and your ex live close by I think kids will naturally just call in for things. If I plan to go out straight from work, but then realise I've forgotten something and call in home to pick it up I wouldn't feel I needed to ask DH first in case I surprised him. And I've have done just the same as a teen in my parents house.

Home is the one place in the world that you don't have to ask permission to be. That's almost the definition of what home is.

DSS is at 18 is an adult in his own right. Even if he lives with you 24/7, surely you should be able to have some time to do as you please (and by that I mean no babysitting so you can go out and about as you please as he wouldn't/shouldn't need babysitting).

If he's living with you FT then I think you're just going to have to accept that he will come and regardless of if he's with his mum. Your home is his main port of address and the fact that he's back and fore despite being at his mum's shows that he sees your house as that.

Also at 18 he's probably at the age where he doesn't want a set time/rota that he has to be at mum's.

I have DSC and DC with my OH - a lot younger than your DSS. I would love some "child free" time. It just isn't going to happen anytime soon. So I'm just going to have to suck it up - I'm a parent.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect the EOWE's that the kids are at their mother's to be your time. Having time with your DH without the kids is important. My Dh and I used to make sure that we went away at least once a quarter on our own, even for just a night. It helps get through the demands of a blended family.

However, I do agree with pp that once the kids are in their late teens it is really up to them when they see their other parent. My DS (17) has not stayed at his fathers for 6 months now. He sees him weekly and they do activities together, but DS always comes home after.

I think you are just going to have to get used to the kids being around more and not sticking to the contact schedule. Still do things for yourself though and try and get out of the house and do things just you and DH.

Yes op has step kids, yes she knew her partner had them when they met but her partner wanted to go into a relationship with her. Relationships don't happen if you're never allowed to work on it. We all need time to ourselves and time with our partners no matter who has what responsibilities. Plenty of first marriages fail due to parents to not making time for themselves and each other.

It might be the dsc home but they have two homes, not two hotels. When they pay the bills and have the responsibility, then they have the right to come and go as they please, but ultimately we all have a responsibility to ensure that everyone in the family gets their needs met.

Sometimes children and step children need to compromise and respect others needs for privacy.

thepurplehen so you aren't allowed to come and go in your own home unless you are the one paying the bills? Seriously? It doesn't stop being the DSCs home for 48 hours every fortnight.

Couldn't you just say to DSS something like "As you're going to Mum's this weekend? We were planning on having some time together so if you are planning on coming home could you let us know just before you arrive?"

Surely you wouldn't need to spell it exactly out to an 18 year old? Plus everyone is entitled to some alone time together - but so is he entitled to be able to come home when he wants. Maybe a little explaining will go a long way without expecting him to know you want time alone?

Looking at this from a different perspective - many divorced mums are very strong indeed about their need for break from their bio children, and go ballistic if dad doesn't have access as planned, so please spare a thought for the OP, who is spending most of her life with someone else's teenagers.

Your situation is exactly the same than my husband. I moved in his house with my children and we extended it just so they could have more space. If my husband view on the house was the same than yours, I would be utterly shocked and disgusted.

My kids are young teenagers, but my husband's house, which is now mine is also my children's home. We moved to his house because it was the logical thing to do, but we did on the understanding that it became our house. They used to go to their dad every Fridays so my OH and I used to have the house for ourselves. Now though, my DS has started a local activity which means that on some week-ends, he doesn't go until Saturday mornings. DD also once a month has an activity on Saturday which means that it makes no sense for her to go to her dad.

I am sure it hasn't even cross to my husband's mind to complain about it. I'm sure he doesn't even really notice. I suppose we don't engage in sex outside of the front door so it's never been a concern that we could get caught and would we hear the front door, and we were in the living room, we would just shout not to come in and laugh. Then again, it could happen with his mum, she has a key to the house and although always knock, she would come in before waiting for the door to open!

thepurplehen so you aren't allowed to come and go in your own home unless you are the one paying the bills? Seriously? It doesn't stop being the DSCs home for 48 hours every fortnight.

If the DSC were sharing a house, lodging with a family, living in halls of residence - whereever they called home, they would be subject to "house rules" until they owned the home themselves and those rules could well include curfews, restrictions on when they could stay and so on. Surely it's too permissive to allow an adult-teen to live in their parents house as if it were there own - no rules, restrictions or consideration?

I've seen posts from MNers who are furious that their au-pair or live-in nanny has change plans at the last minute and wouldn't be going away as planned. Many suggestions were that the nanny should book herself into a hotel for the weekend, rather than inconvience the householder at the last minute.

I agree that the OPs DSS should not be evicted from his home on a scheduled basis on the say so of the OP - but equally, she should have a voice when it comes to agreeing "house rules". If those rules include calling ahead before coming home when scheduled to be away for a weekend, then that's not unreasonable IMO.
Perhaps a long term compromise would be for the DSS to pay a token amount of board which the OP and her DP could use for a weekend away once a month or so?

I think the best you can do really is to make sure that psychologically you have a weekend to yourselves. As long as you avoid having sex outside your bedroom, it ought to be possible to spend some quality time together, do whatever you want to do, and leave DSS to his own devices. If he were demanding meals or attention, or your DP felt he needed to drop plans with you when he showed up, then that would be a problem. But if he's just stopping by to pick up some stuff or on his way somewhere I think you need to try to relax about it.

I too would be quite upset if my DH reacted like that about my DCs. Like you're DP, we have moved into my DH's house in order to live together. It's not easy moving into someone else's home, and trying to make it feel like home to your children too. I know that both my kids sometimes miss the home we used to have with just the three of us, and it wasn't their decision to move in with DH. They're teens and do call in when they forget things. I'd be quite upset if my DH suggested they shouldn't.

Can't I ban them :(

Oh do fuck off with your goady shit.

EveDallas, they are NOT her children, they are her partners'. Are you suggesting op should feel the same for them as she would for her own? And that they in turn should feel for her as if she was their mother? As that would be completely unrealistic.

No, that's not why I posted. OP said I really don't think that fewer than 6 days of privacy a month is unreasonable given that I have no bloody life when they are here for the remaining 25 days of the month my post simply asked how she would get her 6 days privacy if the kids didn't have somewhere else to go - ie if there wasnt another parent in the wings.

Lots of parents (step and otherwise) get no 'time off' from the kids.

Oh my god. It's so frustrating when posters comment on "if you had your own children you would have no free time". It is absolutely and completely different with step children. You do feel different about them, they are not your children and so you are more aware of just about everything. It can be draining and tiring (as well as pleasurable etc) so I completely get your need for space to yourself.
It's tough though as it is their home but i definitely hear and understand what you are saying!

As zebra said. V well put.

Could you go away for the weekend every few weeks?

"Could you go away for the weekend every few weeks?"

this!

OP you keep referring to your DSC as "children" and "kids" but they aren't, they are young adults, 18 certainly is anyway.
I agree that they need to have respect for the adults in their lives but you can't expect them to always do as they are told/what you want them to.
I don't think there's many 18 year olds who have a set contact structure in place, most have their own lives and will plan their own time as they please, allowing them to manage their own time, lives and relationships is part of allowing them to grow up.
I understand that you want childfree time, I think all parents can relate to that, but i think you need to appreciate that it is your DSC's home and as they grow older they will make their own decisions about where they want to be when.
With any luck they'll be going off to uni soon and you'll be child free X