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Step-parenting

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Original poster

taking your stepkids to see YOUR family

51 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 10/03/2015 07:36

So on another thread of mine I had mentioned that dp wanted to take his kids to visit my parents.

I told him no because his kids had been really difficult lately and I didn't want to take them over when they are like that.

The kids have met my parents and rest of my family a few times. My dsd gets on great with my niece too. Or so I thought.

One of the last times we took my dsd to visit dsd accused us of forcing her to be friends with people and adding folk on Facebook(my neice doesn't have Facebook and we have never forced her to be friends with anyone)

DP was rightly hurt when I told him that I didn't want to take kids to visit. But I told him why and I was just being honest. If the kids don't want to go I'm not going to force them and when they have been difficult I'm even more reluctant.

I'm just wondering what others experiences are. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaystryingtobeafriend · 10/03/2015 07:39

I should maybe add that my family have been very generous to the kids. Eg buying birthday / Christmas presents, Easter eggs inviting them to kids parties etc.

OP posts:
StockingFullOfCoal · 10/03/2015 07:56

This is something that bothers me a lot. We have DSS and my DDs the same weekends - my DDs go to their Dads EOW. Should DHs family decide to visit us, it's all good, but God forbid my family want to visit. My family are very inclusive as we have a wide blended family; DHs family are terrible for excluding DDs and I. DSS is stroppy, ignorant and quite rude when my family visit despite them being lovely and making masses of effort with him.

needaholidaynow · 10/03/2015 08:24

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needaholidaynow · 10/03/2015 08:31

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yellowdaisies · 10/03/2015 09:34

We've taken the younger DSC once and they had a good time after some initial hesitation from DSS (11) about who they were to him. The older DSC didn't want to go so stayed with their mum, which my parents were fine about. I think it is a bit strange for some kids to acquire new "grandparents" when they're in their teens.

With DH's parents sometimes we take mine too and sometimes we don't. I think a mixture works well.

KentExpecting · 10/03/2015 10:11

My mum lives abroad, so when she visits, it's usually for around a week at a time and the DSSs will be around for part of that. Of DH and I go to DM's for a visit, we often give the DSSs the option to come along. But then they are 15 and 18 and can decide these things themselves by now...

What I find difficult is that my mum, brother and gran make a huge effort to be inclusive (buying presents and the like) and the DSSs would never think to reciprocate. I think they're old enough to do so - but they seem to be taking my family's attentions fur granted. Not sure if I can do anything about that though?

Scotchmincepie · 10/03/2015 10:43

My stepkids have probably met my family 3 times? Once for the wedding, once on another visit, once for a week on holiday (one bit of the family who live abroad). We are a very scattered family and my parents aren't alive so its my siblings and their kids.

To be frank the kids aren't very interested in these people they aren't related to and have a huge family of their own that they are very closely involved in.

My in laws have been lovely with the teenage step son of my B-I-L who has stayed over at their house, comes for Sunday lunch every other week and is part of the family.

To be fair I think they would be equally welcoming of my family if we lived anywhere near - they are naturally hospitable people. It does make weddings, christenings, Christmases all much easier if people know each other!

hoobygalooby · 10/03/2015 10:58

I never take the DSC to my Mum's house unless its just to pop in for lots of reasons. They can get quite whiny and start playing up if they aren't constantly entertained and there is not a lot for them to do there.
Also, and this will sound mean, but it feels like my parent's house is my DC's domain. They have their own rooms there (mine and my brothers old rooms) and I want them to have one thing in their lives that they don't have to share with DSC. They share everything with them at home and I know they love staying at their Nan's because it is a place that is just theirs.
However, my parents often come to birthdays/family occasions at my house and they get on well with DSC.

sanityseeker75 · 10/03/2015 11:00

My DSC see my family a lot - we are often pop in at weekend, we usually do NY with my family and have a lot of get togethers around my mom and dads and my sis and her family and my brother and his are usually all there together. My family treat them as family but have known them sine littlest was 9 months (now 10) and DSD was about 4.

My DH's dad has little to do with any of the kids bt gets on brilliantly with them when he does and like my family he has always treated my DS (his step GS) as bio family.

DH's mom on the other hand treats my DS as an outsider and barely tolerates him. My DS now can't be bothered with her. Even to the point where she has got the grandchildren loads of presents to open and my DS has had not even a token of her.

Her attitude bothers my DH far more than it does me and in the past it has caused arguments with DH's brother as she treats his step children the same and now they do not speak at all.

The weird thing is she does expect us to buy for her DH (DH's step dad) and is really close to her DSD and treats her children like they are her bio grandchildren. She does not like her other DSD though and is a bit weird about her children.

I guess there is no right or wrong really and so many differing factors. I wouldn't let them not go if it impacts you and limits the time you get to spend with your family (my DSC were there ew so it was either take them or not see my family).

needaholidaynow · 10/03/2015 11:35

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hoobygalooby · 10/03/2015 11:51

Yes that's exactly how I feel Needa.
Sometimes it feels like the DSC and their issues take over everything at home. There is always some drama or other regarding them or their Mum so my parents house is like sanctuary from all that (for me as well as the DC sometimes!)

needaholidaynow · 10/03/2015 13:00

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Original poster
alwaystryingtobeafriend · 10/03/2015 17:52

Needs when I read your posts I genuilly feel it could be me writing them. I think your on the same wave length to a degree.

It's great hearing everyone's thoughts. I have no problems taking them over but when they are misbehaving and acting up I just don't wanna. Dp thinks it's nice for them to visit which I do agree and its nice my family try so hard. But sometimes I just feel the kids take it for granted that they get so much. And my family is the one things that's mine in our set up. I selfishly don't want to share them all the time. Xx

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 10/03/2015 19:34

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Owllady · 10/03/2015 19:37

They are kids, kids are ill behaved, obnxious etc even when they are your own! I think you have yo accept that and so does your family

MeridianB · 10/03/2015 21:12
  • Owllady Tue 10-Mar-15 19:37:37 They are kids, kids are ill behaved, obnxious etc even when they are your own! I think you have yo accept that and so does your family*

I disagree. The OP may have 'signed up' for the rough and the smooth of it all when she began her relationship but her family have the right to say 'sorry it's all a bit much for us, we want a quiet life' if they choose.

Owllady · 10/03/2015 21:18

Her family haven't said anything?
Life isn't like an American Rom com

MeridianB · 10/03/2015 21:19

OP, I know where you are coming from. My parents could not have been warmer or done more for DSD when she has visited them and she repaid them with bad manners - didn't even say goodbye and had to be got back out of the car.

But then she does that (and worse) with her own grandparents and is allowed to get away with it. So DH is to blame...

I completely identify with the comments about your parents' home being a sanctuary from the step parent issues and about selfish feelings. It would be very different if DSD behaved well there and showed any signs of appreciating their efforts or enjoying the trip but as she doesn't, I am happy to remain selfish and spare my parents the hassle

Owllady · 10/03/2015 21:26

But they are children?
My children are annoying and not perfect. Neither are any of you, but presumably you are all fully grown women?
Children are selfish, it comes with the territory I'm afraid
It's up to you as adults to help them model better manners and behaviour really

Original poster
alwaystryingtobeafriend · 10/03/2015 22:55

My family are accepting of my dsc. If they were my kids then I'd probably feel differently. But their not my kids and I didnt teach them about manners etc. Why should my family be treated like dirt when all they have ever done is be nice. I can just about handle the crap I put up with on a daily basis. I'm not putting my parents/ family throygh the same for kids that aren't even blood. Sorry.

Its just my situation And how I feel. I'd love to be the perfect step parent with the perfect blended family life. But sadly it's not to be.

OP posts:
robotroy · 11/03/2015 10:23

Some parents have HILARIOUS views on what other people's responsibilities are towards their children. No one 'has' to accept your kids other than you as parents, and frankly even then you don't have to accept poor behaviour you should aim to improve it.

I think i's completely reasonable to not want to take an ungrateful child into your family home and let them stomp around hurting people's feelings. If my step child were like that I would be the same.

I have the opposite problem, my family adore DSD, over the years she has grown to love them dearly and they know her as, and treat her has 'my kid'. They treat her the same as any other child in the family. What is disgusting is her mum's open scorn that they are not her family. I have had to say to her 'how do YOU feel about it. If you feel that they are then it is your business'. Its very shameful after nearly a decade her mum has this disgusting approach.

What makes it more disgusting is that she actually HAS a half sister, and so her own mother is a step mum, but apparently she is FAMILY, somehow I am mystically not family to my step child....... its a sick game where DSD has to pretend not to care about people she loves as it makes mummy fly into a rage.

hoobygalooby · 11/03/2015 11:10

Owl lady – so presumably any child can come to your house, be rude, loud, obnoxious etc and you will welcome them with open arms because they are “just children”.
I agree that we as adults should teach them manners and how to behave but as step parents we don’t have that luxury. You will saying “you knew what you were getting into” next!!!

needaholidaynow · 11/03/2015 11:25

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ItchyOldBint · 11/03/2015 11:26

Just a thought OP - could DSD be using her Mum's words re being 'forced'. How old are your step children?

Owllady · 11/03/2015 11:32

Excluding your partners children from your home or social activities is not necessarily the best course of action for a long term solution or relationship. It's up to you what you do though, but I think excluding your partners children is hoisting your own petard.

I've been both the stepchild and the steparent, neither is easy. That's for sure