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Step-parenting

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Original poster

taking your stepkids to see YOUR family

51 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 10/03/2015 07:36

So on another thread of mine I had mentioned that dp wanted to take his kids to visit my parents.

I told him no because his kids had been really difficult lately and I didn't want to take them over when they are like that.

The kids have met my parents and rest of my family a few times. My dsd gets on great with my niece too. Or so I thought.

One of the last times we took my dsd to visit dsd accused us of forcing her to be friends with people and adding folk on Facebook(my neice doesn't have Facebook and we have never forced her to be friends with anyone)

DP was rightly hurt when I told him that I didn't want to take kids to visit. But I told him why and I was just being honest. If the kids don't want to go I'm not going to force them and when they have been difficult I'm even more reluctant.

I'm just wondering what others experiences are. Xx

OP posts:
Owllady · 11/03/2015 11:34

I don't think anyone has a perfect blended family by the way, I think it's hard work.

hoobygalooby · 11/03/2015 11:42

Nobody is talking about excluding DSC from their own home or social activities but surely they don't have to be included in absolutely every aspect of your life? I don't take them to work functions, or to the pub or to dinner parties so why should I be expected to cart them round my parents.

needaholidaynow · 11/03/2015 12:19

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hoobygalooby · 11/03/2015 12:27

Oh yes of course - Mothers Day is one day of the year that the DSC are absolutely nothing to do with me. !!!

needaholidaynow · 11/03/2015 12:39

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MeridianB · 11/03/2015 14:28

Don't get me started on Mother's Day. Last year my DH had a stream of very abusive texts from his ex demanding to know where her card/gift was. Shock We assumed DSD made a card at school as usual. Apparently not.

Original poster
alwaystryingtobeafriend · 11/03/2015 20:00

Oh my dp gets me flowers to say thanks. Nothing from kids but I'm not their mum so don't want or expect anything.

I did however take kids to buy present for their mum.

OP posts:
Owllady · 11/03/2015 20:14

I'm sorry if I caused offence to anyone on this thread. I think my emotions are too tied up with my own childhood alot of which is echoed on this thread, though not to say it's the same at all, so I'm sorry if I've upset people. It wasn't my intention

Original poster
alwaystryingtobeafriend · 11/03/2015 20:17

Not upset me owl. It's good to hear opinion. I don t neccesarily agree but it's good to hear. Flowers

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 11/03/2015 20:36

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thepurplehen · 12/03/2015 07:01

I too can relate to your own family having to be just another thing you have to "share" with the dsc. Whilst of course, they have a whole extended family on mums side which is exclusively "theirs". My dsc have been left significant sums in my family members will. And yet they have never said thank you for Christmas money yet!

WidowWadman · 12/03/2015 07:11

This thread makes me sad. My dad has never treated my half sister (i.e his step daughter) any different to his own children - and in return my sister's paternal relatives accepted me and my brother as family too.

Behavioural concerns are one thing, but if you wouldn't exclude your pen children then you shouldn't exclude his either. Could it e that she haves as she does because she feels second class?

Original poster
alwaystryingtobeafriend · 12/03/2015 07:57

My family are accepting of the kids. I am accepting g of them. But when they are acting up and being cheeky- why should my family have to put up with that. They are not their grandkids. And to be honest I don't always think my dps children deserve their kindness.

At no point have we forced his kids to do anything. So not like they can feel 2nd class.

DP puts them first all the time. (Albeit a bit frustrating sometimes especially when it comes to adult decisions etc)

I think it's more the kids mum who plants these ideas and they a ton the back of this out of loyalty. Which is a shame because they are going to miss out on my amazing family(!)

OP posts:
PeruvianFoodLover · 12/03/2015 09:11

but if you wouldn't exclude your own children then you shouldn't exclude his either

Putting aside the fact that many parents do treat their own DCs differently, and effectively "exclude" DCs from trips, visits or activities depending on the relative ages, maturity, interests and behaviour of each child, can I ask why the OP (or any stepparent) should treat their stepchildren the same their own DCs? It seems to be a reoccuring theme, and yet not something I could expect, or would even welcome, from my DDs stepmum.
I don't expect DDs childcarers, extended family or my close friends to "treat her as their own", so why would I place that unrealistic expectation on her stepmum?

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 13/03/2015 19:02

I feel your pain.
We are in the hardest boat possible.
I would do exactly as you have decided to do please don't beat your self up over it.
I believe that family. Any set up of family should aim to balance the needs and happiness of all members involved. If you're a silent shadow in the back ground and your opinion isn't valued you have to make your needs and wishes known.
Having spent 5 days of half term taking my ungrateful step daughter to visit my dear parents who treated her like royalty I am determined not to do that agin for a while. Im a teacher and had to go back to school and felt that I had no rest at all.

butterfly2015 · 13/03/2015 20:39

My parents and extended family accept my sc and they have been included in family events and meals, visits etc. However this has tailed off since both moved away and oldest has a bf so not seen her for months (she's an adult) while the youngest is here sporadically now. I admit I like my children having their grandparents to themselves now and again.

Sd (the youngest) has been invited to her aunts (her mum's side) for treats when she's stayed here before and my youngest (both my dds know the aunt) can't understand why she's not invited but is then told by sd that it's her family not dd s. I get this but it seems sd has her extended family while mine have to share. When my ex took my two out he offered to take sd so she didn't miss out but she declined. He sent sweets back for her instead.

Don't get me started on bedrooms. Sd has several in several houses and her mum thinks she should have her own here. We don't even have a bedroom so I'm not forcing my two to share and leaving an empty room. The bunk beds will remain.

jovialjulia · 14/03/2015 08:36

My experience is that I was always very strong on including my dsd with my family. I pushed that it was "our" family and that the four of us came as a package (my daughter included). All the family included dsd - presents, cards, pocket money for holidays etc. but she always refused to write thank you cards, and used to turn her nose up at everything that was done on visits - the food they cooked, places they went out to, family traditions. The only place she used to like to go was my dad's. He is quite wealthy and has a large property so of course this makes for good instagramming. Ironically, dad was the only one who really didn't warm to her or fully accept her.
She now comes less and less, hardly at all but of course still accepts the gifts. I feel I wish that I hadn't pushed for her to be included now as it is quite embarrassing to be honest. I feel like my family have been used.

EveDallas · 14/03/2015 08:53

We had a sad moment a couple of weeks ago. It was my mums birthday and I had made her a photo collage of her 10 GC, including DSD.

Both mum and dad said "who's that?" to DSDs picture Sad

It's a shame, but despite my parents and sibs trying to include her in everything (meals, get-togethers, weddings etc) she just isn't bothered and DH thinks it's because there is no money involved - mum no longer sends her anything because there was never a thank you or even an acknowledgment.

She's bought it on herself and I seem to be the only one sad about it. There is no 'blend' in our family. She is becoming more like a relative you only see at Xmas. I stopped making an effort a long time ago, and it's now obvious that I was the only one cared.

jovialjulia · 14/03/2015 08:57

Eve I think our families make an effort for us don't they. When we give up they are able to as well.

The saddest thing is that the dscs could have a whole extra family to love and support them but they're just not interested

needaholidaynow · 14/03/2015 10:26

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Wdigin2this · 14/03/2015 11:27

Shoot me down in flames if you wish, but personally I don't believe a 'perfect blended family' can ever be achieved, it's just unrealistic! I have 2 DC and 3 DSC who's lives I came into when they were late teens. I have one DGC and DH has 2, I try my best but I cannot be completely the same with his as I am with my own, maybe because I never thought I'd have GC, maybe it's a 'blood relationship' thing...whatever it's a problem, especially as DH treats them all exactly the same!

HerRoyalNotness · 15/03/2015 02:30

My family all live abroad, and no I won't ever take SD to visit them. They're my family and if her father hadn't met me, well, they'd never be interested in travelling to the country I'm from. It's something I keep for me and my DC. Just as my DC would never visit her mothers' family, she won't visit with mine. They'd treat her totally fine btw if we did take her, but it's my choice we don't.

needaholidaynow · 17/03/2015 09:49

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needaholidaynow · 17/03/2015 09:56

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LittleLionMansMummy · 22/03/2015 22:12

We've been at my dsis's for a roast today. When she invited us (me, dh and our ds) I said "thanks but we have dsd today and it's a lot of mouths to feed". Her reply was "we always invite you to do things in full knowledge that you have your dsd most weekends - she's always welcome." Dsd is 15 and just fits right in. My dsis even commented that she's better with her new cousins (my adopted nephews) than their own new sister (who is in her 20s). Likewise my parents and auntie always explicitly invite her. Tbh I've found that having my ds has actually brought us all even closer. She's great with her little brother too and we feel like a proper family when she's around. Maybe we just lucked out though. I've known her since she was 4 and she's always been the easiest little girl and now young woman to get along with and love. She's a fully fledged member of our family and most of our collective memories include her.

To even things out though we haven't seen my other sd for 3.5 years. She's now 18 and not remotely interested in being part of our family. This hasn't always been the case, but we've learned to live with her choice.