Ignoring ExW??

[scew]

Just wonder how those of you that an interfering, manipulative ex wife on the scene cope with it. I know deep down that she is just bitter and jealous but i still find it very hard to forget about all the comments etc she makes. Dh gets texts every other night at the very least telling us what we should be doing with dss when we have her etc. We regularly get texts after our time with her telling us that we should have/shouldn't have done this/that. I would understand if we weren't fit parents but I know we are and that everything she blows up about is totally baffling. Her nails being painted, hair should be pony tail not bunches etc. Trivial and stupid things. Most recently it's been digs at us and our relationship. She likes to think that we are deeply unhappy tells him I don't really love him etc. It's getting to a point where I am very close to just sending her a long message with a few home truths that she wohldnt want to hear. But I'm not that sort of person. Never will be.

At the moment we don't respond to such messages, and if she and her circle want to believe what she says then that's up to them. We know differently. She has screwed him over for more than he is worth so if I was with him for money I would have run a mile by now.

I would much rather have a civil relationship with her where we can discuss dss etc. Since it doesn't look like this will ever happen I need to find a way of shutting off from it all.

Thank you for reading.

I mean her daughter not DSD sorry.

As I said I don't condone her behaviour at all.But often when the ex wife is acting like this there are reasons behind it,an overlap in the new relationship starting? the new partner being the other woman?.None of which may be relevant in the ops case i must stress.In an amicable split this rarely happens,the wife usually has no need for the bitterness.She obviously feels unfairly treated somehow? The dsd sounds quite young? And you said you have gone on to have two children with the dh of your own? What is the timescale,How long since they separated? Are they divorced?

And for what it's worth if the ex wife had started a thread with the title "Ignore the Stepmother?" I would feel exactly the same

"But often when the ex wife is acting like this there are reasons behind it"

Not in our case. She left DP for another man. Got the lions share of the house. Gets regular maintenance. DP has bent over backwards to do what she wants and to be amicable.

She has called police over him parking in her road to pick up kids (she has not once in 9 years done any picking up or dropping off - she refuses to), she has called social services countless times. Nothing has come of it. She has stopped contact many times for months on end.

My opinion is that she is angry at HERSELF for staying for so long but now feels powerless in her new life as she has tried to achieve things but after 9 years is still jobless and now has 1 of her children live with us for the last 3 years.

He took her to court and she now conforms and we hear virtually nothing from her.

I used to have many a sleepless night going over and over what I wanted to say to her in an e-mail or face to face but despite my offering, she has never met me although I bring up her daughter.

Sometimes people have their own issues that they try and blame on someone else.

Quite possibly Purplehen

In an amicable split this rarely happens,the wife usually has no need for the bitterness

What are you basing that generalisation on?

Certainly from posts on MN, the blame/responsibity/instigator of the split does not seem to dictate behaviour of either party.

There have been posts from mothers whose ex cheated on them but who have successfully overcome their hurt and accepted the OW as stepmum, and posts from mothers who have left their ex's and who seem determined to eliminate him from the DCs lives.

Your assumption that in most cases where the mum is bitter then she must have been the wronged party, is incredibly judgemental. It's not surprising that stepmums feel unfairly condemned by society if your opinions are commonplace.

Peruvian - I would love to see the posts from people whose ex cheated on them but have successfully overcome their hurt and accepted the OW as stepmum.

You might accept the situation for the sake of your DCs, but you never overcome the hurt and betrayal, you learn to deal with it and you never accept the OW as a step mum. A new girlfriend after the split is one thing but the OW getting acceptance - v v difficult.

We're another family here who I can honestly say we are harassed by the ex unfairly.

I am not the OW, there was nearly a year between them splitting and DH and I getting together. We actually used to get on OK but as soon as we announced I was pregnant everything changed. She became obsessed with me and our relationship.
Maybe she didn't think we were that serious, maybe she thought babies would have happened much further down the line (so did we), maybe she thought I was just a bit of a fling and that she could have DH back if she wanted him.

She just became so bloody unreasonable! Still is.

We've had to involve police because of the harrassment, even found her sat in her car outside our house late at night. God knows why! She became best friends with one of our neighbours which I don't believe was a coincidence. Yes probably a coincidence that they met, but that they became best friends and she would visit several times a week?
We've since moved but refuse to tell her why we live.
I use a different surname at work so she can't find out where I work. I don't want her to be able to make any contact with me.
Add in to the mix that she tries black mailing DH at every possible opportunity. I can't stand her!

I really think she's got a screw loose!

I'm not afraid to admit that I wish she didn't exist. If she dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow I'd be glad.
I love the kids to bits but their mother is a massive pain in the arse!

Things have got better with my DH's ex over time. I wasn't OW but she still called the police / SS and made allegations about me. Had DH arrested after she persuaded one of her boyfriends who had been beaten up by someone else to tell the police it was DH....it was awful for the first few years. Things have improved for us. I get on OK with her and speak to her most weeks now, I speak to her more than DH to only really emails. I don't particularly like her, I definitely wouldn't be friends with her if met in other circumstances and we have very different parenting styles.
I wouldn't say I felt harassed by her but I do feel she expects too much from me in terms of the time and support I end up spending on DSD. And I think she expects far too much of DH to the point where I'm pretty sure she knows full well she's taking the piss.
Contact has been stable and consistent for many years now but Mum will still use it as a threat to get what she wants every 12 - 18 months which I'll admit I resent her for; I would like the continuous underlying threat of drama and disruption to end. I never really feel I know where we are when it comes to DSD - whether she'll always be part of our family or not. I suspect we'll see less of her during her teenage years when her Mum's style of parenting will probably become more appealing than ours.

*expects far too much of DH financially that should have read!