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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ignoring ExW??

35 replies

scew · 04/03/2015 08:52

Just wonder how those of you that an interfering, manipulative ex wife on the scene cope with it. I know deep down that she is just bitter and jealous but i still find it very hard to forget about all the comments etc she makes. Dh gets texts every other night at the very least telling us what we should be doing with dss when we have her etc. We regularly get texts after our time with her telling us that we should have/shouldn't have done this/that. I would understand if we weren't fit parents but I know we are and that everything she blows up about is totally baffling. Her nails being painted, hair should be pony tail not bunches etc. Trivial and stupid things. Most recently it's been digs at us and our relationship. She likes to think that we are deeply unhappy tells him I don't really love him etc. It's getting to a point where I am very close to just sending her a long message with a few home truths that she wohldnt want to hear. But I'm not that sort of person. Never will be.

At the moment we don't respond to such messages, and if she and her circle want to believe what she says then that's up to them. We know differently. She has screwed him over for more than he is worth so if I was with him for money I would have run a mile by now.

I would much rather have a civil relationship with her where we can discuss dss etc. Since it doesn't look like this will ever happen I need to find a way of shutting off from it all.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

FireflyLight · 04/03/2015 08:57

Best thing to do is just rise above it all. If you send her a text back it shows her she's getting a reaction from you and that's exactly what she wants. By not saying anything it's probably grating on her more because she's not getting what she's trying to achieve.

Ignore all the comments with what to do with DSD. What you and your DH choose to do with her hair and activities while she's in your care are none of her business. If she doesn't like how her hair is, leave her deal with it but carry on as you are. If it bothers her that much - all she has do is take them out when DSD gets home.

freelanceconundrum · 04/03/2015 08:57

Don't reply unless it is about arrangements. She is looking for a fight.

slkk · 04/03/2015 09:02

Bide your time and hopefully it will improve. We now have a civil and friendly relationship with my dh's ex but five or so years ago this was unimaginable. The micro managing of her child's appearance hopefully will stop - I guess mums usually have so much control of their little kids that when she first starts seeing her dressed in unfamiliar clothes and with hair done differently etc it must be a shock and also a constant reminder of her situation and the fact that someone else is doing mummy things with her child (I assume it's you not your dp doing hair and nails etc). I'm not saying don't do these things as it is important that your dsd builds a relationship with you, but I'm suggesting where her dm's reaction might be coming from so try to be patient and not too angry about it.

Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 09:04

I would give her an email address and advise her any communication regarding contact arrangements is to be sent through that. You can get email as quickly as a text via the phone.

Block her number, advise her of this and also advise that she is harassing you and if it continues you will go the the police.

Do not respond to her other texts. She is trying to get a rise out of you.

Forget about her, do not waste your emotional energy on her. She is nothing.

slkk · 04/03/2015 09:05

Also agree don't bother replying to texts

heidiwine · 04/03/2015 09:05

My DP is in a similar situation. He ignored it for a long time and I think that has led to the children thinking that their mum is the only true decision maker (from school choices to bed times to whether they need a shower!)

My advice to your DP would be to reply politely saying that when their child is in his care he will make the decisions and he trusts her to do the same when they are in his care. If she has any serious concerns about the decisions he is making he will discuss these but from now on in he would appreciate her displaying the same levels of trust in his parenting as he does in hers.

Obviously not that long and garbled but you get the gist. I would also reply to any subsequent texts with the same message. And... You need to follow through and be persistent.

slkk · 04/03/2015 09:06

She's not nothing, she's important to dsd!

slkk · 04/03/2015 09:08

So many cross posts. Agree with heidiwine. Don't let her affect what you do but try to understand why she is behaving this way.

MinceSpy · 04/03/2015 09:14

Your dh needs to deal with this. Blocking her number on your phone's and creating an email just for contact re their child is a good idea. Keep all the messages he and ex send.
Hopefully she will become less angry in time.

lilaloves · 04/03/2015 18:38

She is NOT nothing,she is the childs mother!! I'm sorry but the step mother is more likely to be "nothing" in this childs life,it's the dh's responsibility not yours,You have no say in this really,you are a third party.It's between the parents,it's their child.
Do you have any idea how it feels for another woman to play the role of mother to your child? A little understanding to this woman's feelings wouldn't go a miss.Look at the reasons behind her behaviour,put yourself in her shoes?
And with comments like "she's Nothing" step mothers wonder why they get a bad name?!

Original poster

scew · 04/03/2015 19:24

Thank you for all your comments. I have never ever ever said that she is nothing to us. From the start I have actually included her as part of the family in front of the kids, and always made my Dsd (sorry I think I actuallg put dss earlier a few times - obviously there wouldn't be an issue with hairstyles and nail polish in that case!) open to talking about her with us etc. The last thing I was is any tension between us feeding on to the kids. I am fully aware that it must be very difficult for her, and for that I can excuse the little niggles but my point was that she is becoming very vicious with it and it's not healthy for anyone concerned. Maybe I didn't word my previous post very well, I was doing it in a morning rush.

I simply wondered if there were any other ways of dealing with such issues, or if anyone had any good tips on how to detach and forget about them.

OP posts:

lilaloves · 04/03/2015 20:09

My comment was really in reply to QuiteLikely's comment.It's such an emotive subject.
Who ended the marriage? the dh or was it a mutual decision? It sounds like she Hasn't come to terms with the split and is still hurt?

Original poster

scew · 04/03/2015 20:28

Sorry I realise I sounded a bit snappy! It's been a long day. It was a mutual decision at the time, but as soon as I became involved that all changed and apparently it was all him and she would have got him back if he hadn't met me etc. She has always played mind games and always been bery manipulitive and I think the realisation that she no longer had 'control' over him hit her hard. We have our own children now and things have been a lot worse since ds1. I sometimes wonder if she thought he would go crawling back and didn't really want to give him up x

OP posts:

Original poster

scew · 04/03/2015 20:29

**Dd1 - why can't I get it right!!!

OP posts:

CalicoBlue · 04/03/2015 20:54

My advice would be ignore, ignore, ignore. I would even ask your Dh not to tell you about the texts. Try and keep her out of your relationship and not respond to her.

She will up her game (I even had my DH's ex coming into the house when we were out, pushing past the child minder and helping herself to contents of the fridge) to try and get a response. Don't if you want her to get the message.

It is very tempting to tell her exactly what you think but that just lets her in.

lilaloves · 04/03/2015 21:40

How would you feel if your marriage ended and he started another family? Would you be so keen for another woman to parent your dc ?
If people were saying to ignore you and your feelings?
You really don't know what was said between them in the interim period before you got together
Maybe she did want him back,maybe she still loved him? obviously there are alot of very hurt and bitter feelings.Not an excuse for any bad behaviour on her part but not easy for her to live with.

lilaloves · 04/03/2015 21:50

Also you say "we" keep receiving her texts,"we" try to ignore her,but is it sent to you or your dh? If messages are sent to your dh,its nothing to do with you,let him deal with it,let them have a relationship as parents,let them sort it out.If your dh feels its too much and wants to stop the texts why can't he tell her? There doesn't need to be any contact or input from you at all.Maybe you trying to be involved in their business makes her worse.

lilaloves · 04/03/2015 22:00

I don't think she is looking for a fight.I think she wants to feel heard.To know her opinion still matters.Maybe she finds "letting go "of her dd when she visits you very difficult.Maybe she is attention seeking,but behind that is usually a need for something?

EveDallas · 04/03/2015 22:13

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

You have to try to detach. It was the best thing I ever did. Ignored any communication from ExW - she was talking to DH not me. Ignored any communication that slagged me off - she didn't know me so her view was worthless. Ignored any instruction to do with DSD - I did as DH wanted me to do with his child. Ignored any comments from DSD - either I didn't hear them or "That's nice love" "Oh is that right love, never mind"

It's easier said than done - I've been on here stewing over yet another text, yet another email more times than I care to admit. But in the end - ignoring was all I could do, and you know what, pretty soon I didn't care. Fake it till you make it and all that. Now I couldn't give a shiny shit. I'm fine, DH is fine, DSD is fine. It's all water under the bridge.

PeruvianFoodLover · 04/03/2015 22:18

OP Just to put an alternative pont of view to lilas in relation to your DPs ex - I do have an idea of how it feels, I am in the "same shoes" as she is, and yet, I have absolutely no sympathy or understanding of her behaviour.

My DD has a stepmum - and I cannot relate to any of the sentiment that lila has attributed to mums in her posts.

Wdigin2this · 05/03/2015 00:10

I'm a SM of many years, but also mother to my own DC's who also have a SM! I am just glad they like her and she is very nice to them, so I accord her the respect she deserves. I don't understand women who use their children (young or grown) as weapons/tools in their war against the ex and his new partner!

TheMumsRush · 05/03/2015 07:33

If I were you I'd just let DH deal with her, ignorance is bliss after all I wouldn't block her number though, what I'd there was an emergency? Is hate not being able to call my ex when my child was in his care, only respond to relevant texts and let her leave a message and decide if it needs answering

TheMumsRush · 05/03/2015 07:33

Sorry, on phone app and I can't see what I'm typing after a while

lilaloves · 05/03/2015 10:20

I wasn't condoning her behaviour, rather looking to see the reason she acts like this,then it's easier to find a solution.
So often,but maybe not in your case, women become involved with a man who has previously been married with kids and seem to want the ex wife to disappear into thin air.To have no contact with the dh,to limit communication,her very existence seems to annoy.They are still parents to a child,they still need to be a partnership.
She still has a vital role but insecurity on the new wifes part seems to come into play.There is fault on both sides.But I believe there is a place for everyone in the dc's lives.

FireflyLight · 05/03/2015 10:34

Where I can understand what you're trying to say, Lila, the OP hasn't tried or wanted DSD's mum to disappear. That is something that's never going to happen as they share a child. By all means she can express his unhappiness about anything to trivial about her daughter. But weather the reasons you are suggesting for her behaviour are true or not, it doesn't excuse or give her the right to especially comment and send text messages about the OP's relationship with her ex. That is none of her business. Her only business with the her ex from now on should be about DSD and nothing else.

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