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Original poster

Husband vs my adult son battle

98 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 01/02/2015 18:00

I've got a 22 year old step son who lives with my husband and I, we've been married for 4 years. My son works and my husband and sons relationship is up & down. My son works and pays digs but does very little around the house disputing me asking and this annoys my husband. Anyway, my son wants two friends to stay overnight as they going out drinking, we've never met them before, anyway my husband has said no as why we should do my son any favours when he doesn't help us. I've supported my husbands decision as the house is equally ours but this makes their relationship even worse as my son resents him even more. Am I doing the right thing by supporting by husband over this? Any advice would be wonderful.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 16/02/2015 20:00

i think you need to bag up your disrespectful sons belongings and tell him to do one if he cant be a contributing member of the family. What a pisstaker. No wonder your dh is fed up

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 16/02/2015 20:12

I know. Everything's snow balled and I've allowed it to get this bad.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 16/02/2015 20:56

I don't understand why you seem to see yourself as the victim, when you have actually contributed toward the problem.

I'd start by apologising to your DH in the hope you can fix things.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/02/2015 23:35

That's a bit harsh Chipped. The OP is suffering the results of the problem, emotionally and practically and, her OH's frustration about it.

Yes, it wasn't good to allow things to arrive at this point and it's crazy that she insists on placing herself in the middle, like a lion tamer, instead of letting them talk to each other but, she is having a really difficult time.

Even after DS moves out OP, you're going to need some space to recover yourself and rediscover where you stand, before you can get your relationship with DH back on track.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 27/02/2015 20:31

Hi all again. So still no major job contribution to the household from my 22 son and today was dig money due today. He said hes paying half this month as he's got some time away on holiday (1week) I said no that's not how it works. He's made me feel so guilty as he said I'm his Mum and I'm acting like a landlord and he can't do what he wants in his own home. He said 'most mums would want their children to keep their money to spend on nice things'. He has £1000 spare after digs to do with what he wants! I don't think that's so mean, is it? All the time I'm keeping this from my OH as it'll cause so much fall out. Just want to moan and talk it thought with my OH but it's just not possible. So coming on here instead to get some light relief.

OP posts:
SugarOnTop · 28/02/2015 08:18

stop being his doormat and give him notice to move out.....YOU are responsible for this situation remaining as it is.

Branleuse · 28/02/2015 11:08

laugh in his face and tell him to give you his rent money, stop acting like a spoilt little shit or he will find himself without a room after his holiday.

You can actually change this, you just habe to stop wimping out

Littleturkish · 28/02/2015 15:52

You say he is a 'nice lad' but letting him get away with this behaviour is turning him into a nightmare. YOU are the parent, this is YOUR responsibility. What happened to him going to his dad? I feel so sorry for your OH.

Your son has no respect for you, and he has no reason to, as you clearly don't respect yourself.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I'm tearing my hair out at how harsh he is to you, and how you take it! It doesn't have to be like this!

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 28/02/2015 18:52

Thank you all, I know you absolutely right I do feel like a door mat and am so shocked by his behaviour knowing he was brought up to be better than that. He has very little respect & I did tell him to go to his Dad's but that has happened as I know he hates it there, I think deep down he knows he's got it good here. He's away this weekend & the tension in the house is lifted between my OH & I as I'm not on egg shells and my OH is being aggravated by what he does & doesn't do. I've been reading other threads on dig money charged by parents and I know what I'm asking him to pay isn't unreasonable either. Thank you all for continuing to offer advice.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/02/2015 18:56

he wasnt brought up better than that OP. You're actually not doing hi! any favours at all by allowing this situation to continue. Bring him up short on it like you would if he was a teenager, because hes acting like one

Chippednailvarnish · 28/02/2015 19:24

So what are you going to do about it?

itsbetterthanabox · 28/02/2015 20:00

Has he not had friends stay before?
So strange that this is the first time this has come up at age 22!
I live at home and just let my dad know if I have friends staying I don't have to ask really. Will they stay in his room?

Littleturkish · 01/03/2015 07:11

You have to ask him to move out- he's being totally unreasonable and making you unhappy.

2fedup · 01/03/2015 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugarOnTop · 01/03/2015 08:04

so what if he doesn't like it at his dads!? he either puts up with it (the same way YOU are putting up with his bad behaviour/attitude) OR he moves out and starts standing on his own two feet.

the point now is WHAT are YOU going to do about it?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 04/03/2015 19:32

I told him that digs is paid in full or he moves out if he feels he can get a better deal elsewhere ....full digs have been paid! Still no jobs been done but hes said he'll do some this weekend, been here before though so we'll see. Feel like I'm only scratching the surface with it all and no real in roads are being made. On top of this OH & I have fallen out again over my DS as he was chewing with his mouth open and OH waited until he left and then said what he was doing was f*cking disgusting. Q me being defensive and the cycle starts again... Its so tough :-(

OP posts:
springalong · 04/03/2015 19:38

Cut the cycle - don't eat with him. Arrange "romantic" time alone with DH - ask DS to go out for the evening or eat in his room. Up to you and DH what you do with your quality time together!! (Personally I am with your DH - I cannot bear poor table manners)

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 04/03/2015 19:44

Good ideas although OH won't let him eat dinners in his room, tend to agree. I'm with you and him on the manners, I tell my DS that he should keep his mouth closed whilst eating but he just says I'm nagging. I only want the best for him and dont want people to think he's got poor table manners :-((

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 04/03/2015 19:47

Table manners?!? You're talking about a 22 year old, not a 2 year old. All you seem to do is make excuses for him and give him endless chances to improve. I feel for your DH.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 04/03/2015 19:49

I know it's pathetic, I'm reading this all back and your absolutely right. I feel sorry for my son along with guilt and I don't know why!!

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 04/03/2015 20:28

So what are you going to do about it?

You're in danger of losing your DH.

MaybeDoctor · 04/03/2015 20:56

  1. You sound like a very quiet, perhaps apologetic person. At the next opportunity of your son taking the proverbial, throw the most terrifying, voice-raising, plate-breaking strop that you can imagine. You have had enough and you are not fucking putting up with it anymore.

  2. Once the dust has settled, call a house meeting and divvy up the jobs, including agreeing WHEN they are to be done. If your son refuses, tell him that there is nothing less sexually appealing than a man who is scared of a Hoover. However, your DH must come to that meeting with an open mind and bite his tongue where necessary.

  3. Stop calling it digs. Board and lodging will henceforth be set at 75% of the local market rate for equivalent accommodation. It will be paid by standing order on the 3rd of each month. A proportion of this will be put aside in savings to assist your son with finding a place of his own.

  4. Try to see a long game here too. I remember making various callow and insensitive comments, remarks and decisions between the ages of 18 and about 23. It wasn't until I was a bit older that I was better at really thinking of other people.

Best wishes.

SugarOnTop · 04/03/2015 21:15

play it tough with him re the jobs around the house - either they get done on time or he can start making plans to move out.

Repeat the same with regards to his table manners and attitude.

Then give him a few months notice to start saving his deposit and move out - tell him you're going to use his room as a dressing room/chill out room/ dumping ground......and then start using it for whatever purpose once the date for him to move out has lapsed if he is still there.

he is taking you for a mug and ruining your relationship with your OH....and if you don't loosen the apron strings NOW then you may well end up on your own.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 04/03/2015 21:16

Hi Chipped, I am in danger of losing DH and it got so bad I told my DS this in the hope it would make him stop & think more of his actions. It wasn't a conversation I wanted to have but felt I needed to. Maybedoctor I have thought about the house meeting but I think it would be a nightmare, as currently neither side seem to want it resolved as they both think they're right but as you suggested once the dust settles it would be great to be able to do that. I can do that shouting and when I have done that before, few years ago my DS gets upset. Q the guilt....,

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 04/03/2015 21:19

Thanks sugarontop. I feel like im constantly moaning at him, and he says he can eat how he likes and hes not doing anything wrong. Then I think is it just his way of eating and should I put up with it. He says no ones perfect and we're expecting him to be, I don't think that's true although I do think we have high ish standards

OP posts:
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