Husband vs my adult son battle

[Feelinghelpless2]

I've got a 22 year old step son who lives with my husband and I, we've been married for 4 years. My son works and my husband and sons relationship is up & down. My son works and pays digs but does very little around the house disputing me asking and this annoys my husband. Anyway, my son wants two friends to stay overnight as they going out drinking, we've never met them before, anyway my husband has said no as why we should do my son any favours when he doesn't help us. I've supported my husbands decision as the house is equally ours but this makes their relationship even worse as my son resents him even more. Am I doing the right thing by supporting by husband over this? Any advice would be wonderful.

Good ideas although OH won't let him eat dinners in his room, tend to agree. I'm with you and him on the manners, I tell my DS that he should keep his mouth closed whilst eating but he just says I'm nagging. I only want the best for him and dont want people to think he's got poor table manners :-((

I said cut the cycle. If your adult son cannot eat properly and politely then don't eat with him. I am leaving this thread. I am starting to doubt its veracity.

Ok but I'm not sure why your doubting its veracity - and just say truthful, don't sugar coat it. I can assure you im being honest, it's so lovely to be able to be on here well that is until someone doubts you!

I am pretty much in your OHs position, although there is no crappy behaviour, my DSSs 19 & 22 do nothing around the house. It came to blow before Christmas with the oldest, I laid down the law because no one else would, and he left that day.

I came home today and just felt like crying because the youngest is unemployed and had done nothing yet again. I am so stressed juggling work, toddler, cooking and cleaning. I mentioned again what he could be doing to help. He went and played in his room on the laptop while I had to finish dinner. DH said nothing. I don't want to speak to my DH about it anymore but I can't handle the stress of living with an unemployed person who does f all. It makes me want to cry and not be around DH.

Sorry to hear that icenimist. I can totally relate toyour situation. Can I ask what the relationship is now with the oldest now he's left for both you and your DH following on from your outburst? Does you DH agree the youngest should be doing jobs and tell him? I do tell my DS to pull his weight but just doesn't happen, grinds us both down. I can totally see I need to the key to changing that cycle of events though going forward.

I can do that shouting and when I have done that before, few years ago my DS gets upset. Q the guilt....,

What do you mean by "my DS get upset"? How does he behave?

From reading your recent posts I'm beginning to wonder if your adult DS is actually bullying/abusing you and that is the reason for your guilt and desire to appease him.

Thank you all for your help and comments, I am going to take the time to re read the thread fully and try & move forward with the ideas and suggestions.

I've just given the shouting ultimatum after DS refused point blank to do a job in the house which would have taken him 20 mins max. Told him to go & pack a bag unless he does it now.... Feels like I've took control back & DH has kept quiet for the first time, probably because he sees I've grown a pair!

Thank God for that.

He's just said if he goes he won't come and visit me, I said fine. I'm devastated he's been so cruel :(

He's not being cruel, he's trying to blackmail you into changing your mind IMO. Frankly he sounds like he needs a swift kick up the arse, out of your house and into the real world.

I told him I won't be blackmailed. It's like I'm looking at a different boy to the one I brought up. He trying to blame everyone but himself!

'I love you and want you to stay, but for that to happen we need to change the way we are living. If you are not prepared to contribute as an adult to this household then you will need to live elsewhere. But you are my son and my door will always be open to you.'

He is probably horribly shocked by your outburst.

Wait for the dust to settle then set out clearly what needs to be changed. Stay calm.

Ok so DS has done some jobs tonight. But, OH saying it's not been done good enough it needs doing again. I am lost for words..... I said I wasn't asking him to do that, mainly because I'm exhausted from the fighting. He said I'd rather upset him than DS. I give up.... Feel at the end of my tether, will this ever end!?

What's not been done well enough? Do you agree?

If you don't agree and think the cleaning or whatever is fine then I think you might need to be having words with your DH.

Cleaning the kitchen floor and no it's not been done properly no, but then they don't do it like we do it do they?

I think you might have to ask your DH to cut you some slack. And I do mean you - your DS has been hopelessly prepared for adulthood if he has reached the age of 22 without being able to clean a kitchen floor properly.

These are lessons he should have been taught years ago. And, you may find yourself facing the ultimate consequence of your indulgence of him, and that your DH is unwilling to share his life with you while you belatedly teach your man-child basic life skills.

I suspect your DH is fed up with hearing your excuses. If your DS was a 12 year old who had done his best to do chores after you had given him a bollocking, then I'd say your DH was being harsh. But really? Even now you're making excuses for your DS; many men his age are responsible for daily cleaning of commercial kitchens - of course "they" can do it properly.

It sounds like your DH has had enough. You might have to swallow your pride and accept and admit your mistakes and hope that he is willing to support you.

What Peruvian said.

I'm going to leave this thread OP, as I don't feel you really want any advice, just a place to make excuses for you DS's terrible behaviour and therefore there is nothing constructive I can add. Good Luck.

Your son is spoilt. You have spoilt him. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. You take exploitation, emotional blackmail, manipulation and abuse from him, which teaches him that's how to treat women.

You are teaching your son to be an emotional abuser. Right now, you're his victim, and your poor DH. Of course he can clean a fucking floor. Of course he can eat with the bare modicum of acceptable table manners, so others can enjoy their food too. He doesn't want to because he is completely selfish.

He has a fantastic deal with you. A grand a month pocket money, and he abuses the people who enable that? At 22? Dear God.

You owe him one thing: to tell him to leave, that he cannot abuse you any longer and he has been given chance after chance. He treats you like dirt because you have taught him to do it. Stand up to him! He can't respect you because you don't!

Your son will leave at some point, when it suits him. That's inevitable. Do you really think he'll visit you much, if he treats you with such contempt? Kids grow up and leave home and build their own lives and that is as it should be. Your DH is the future, and you are at serious risk of jeopardising that over a 22 year old who holds you in contempt. Stand the hell up for yourself, for your marriage, and for your future. Or you may find that future is a lonely one.

So just an update my son is moving out to his Dad's tomorrow, it's finally happening after I said I could no longer carry on like this. I've told my husband, he is relieved. I feel imense guilt but the alternative was him walk all over me so there was no option. I'm sad that it's come to this but it will make for happier people & happier households. He won't tell me what he's told his dad as the reasons but I'm pretty sure he will have blamed my husband and the step son relationship, which I think is unfair.

So he's gone - feel distraught. Pls tell me I've done the right thing. My DH and I have just fall out as I didn't get his key back. Now I'm alone as DS gone and DH stormed off. I'm so sad :-(