Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Husband vs my adult son battle

98 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 01/02/2015 18:00

I've got a 22 year old step son who lives with my husband and I, we've been married for 4 years. My son works and my husband and sons relationship is up & down. My son works and pays digs but does very little around the house disputing me asking and this annoys my husband. Anyway, my son wants two friends to stay overnight as they going out drinking, we've never met them before, anyway my husband has said no as why we should do my son any favours when he doesn't help us. I've supported my husbands decision as the house is equally ours but this makes their relationship even worse as my son resents him even more. Am I doing the right thing by supporting by husband over this? Any advice would be wonderful.

OP posts:

DCITennison · 01/02/2015 18:13

4 years?
By "supporting dh's decision" do you mean you have the same opinion? In which case you just happen to be in agree acne.

Or do you mean it's not the decision you'd make if this was an issue to be worked out solely between you and your son but you're deferring to your dh's pov?

If the former, no big deal, though I find it weird a 22yo who contributes financially has to ask permission to have friends over.

If the latter, then that's pretty unhealthy and smacks of your dh coming along and trying to force his position as man of the house with no care whatsoever for the relationship your son has with either of you. Hopefully your son will soon decide to move, can't imagine how he can bare to be around either of you.

You deal with your son, why on earth would you need this bully to do the parenting?

DCITennison · 01/02/2015 18:13

Agreeance*

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 01/02/2015 18:43

I would probably let my sons friends stay but I'm respecting my husbands wishes as I can see his point of view. I think to call him a bully is unfair and also your comment questioning how he can bare to be around us a little harsh too. Neither my son or husband are faultless in the disagreement and being caught in the middle is very difficult. I'm not sure if you have any experience of step families personally yourself DCITennison but would welcome an opinion from someone who has. Thank you

OP posts:

daftgeranium · 01/02/2015 18:48

OP - sympathies with this situation. The issue is with SS's behaviour. He should be told clearly by BOTH of you that if he is to live with you then he needs to pull his weight with the chores as well as the finances. And if his mates come round to stay, he should be told the boundaries there as well with respect to behaviour and the way the house is treated, etc. If he messes up and doesn't behave, or has an attitude problem, then he is an adult, he can move somewhere else.

With respect to your OH, I don't think that two wrongs make a right - however he is clearly frustrated, as you are, at SS's behaviour.

Good luck....

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 01/02/2015 19:04

Thank you daft geranium. It wasn't always like this and OH didn't used to mind his friends to stay over a few years ago when my son was much more helpful around the house etc. Since this time my son has been uni and got a bit of an attitude and hasn't helped by having parties whilst we've been on holiday and not left the house in a great state. It's the constant reiteration of the rules which he as a rule ignores and I think that wears my OH down. My OH cooks from scratch every day for him for example and so isn't a total ogre but feels it should be a two way street in that my son helps around the house, he does the dishwasher and that's it and that's only when I nag. I find it very difficult being caught in the middle. I just want some reassurance I'm not being a bad Mum and feel terrible telling my son no to anything.

OP posts:

redredholly · 02/02/2015 09:16

I have to say I would begin losing patience with a child still living at home at 22. Especially if they weren't biologically mine.

PeruvianFoodLover · 02/02/2015 09:36

It's the constant reiteration of the rules which he as a rule ignores and I think that wears my OH down

Does it wear you down, OP? Or do you feel that this is part and parcel of parenting?

There are widely differing opinions here on MN as to when a DC can be held accountable as an adult, but presumably, if your DS has lived away from home, he has had to apply some of the adult skills required to share living space with others?

Personally, in of the "shape up, or ship out" opinion - maybe you and your DH need to find out from each other just how different your expectations are?

PatriciaHolm · 02/02/2015 09:40

He's 22, with a job, and seems to think he lives in a hotel, and has no respect for either of you (otherwise he would pitch in). I'm with your husband.

Any particularly strong reason he's still at home at not in a flat share/bedsit/ fending for himself?

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 02/02/2015 11:57

Don't think he fancies the option of a house share unless he knew the people are they were a good fit character wise, i.e. Similar age, not in a family unit. He would definitely house share with a mate but works in the complete opposite direction of his mates work places. My son says why should he help me when my husband doesn't do as much as me. My husband cook every day, goes shopping, works long hours & does all th DIY bloke stuff and does help around the house although I do the bulk of the housework but then I hate cooking & shopping! My son was given 3 or 4 weekly jobs and unless I nag he won't do them and even then it's later, later and then I end up doing it myself. That then adds fuel to the fire with my husband as all he sees is my son swanning in, eating his dinner and then disappearing back to his room. My OH thinks he treats it like a hotel so when my son asked for friends to stay too I knew the answer would be a bit fat no. But I would let him because I'm his mum and are more forgiving but I can't side with my son as my marriage would suffer. But why do I feel so guilty?!

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 02/02/2015 12:01

My son was given 3 or 4 weekly jobs and unless I nag he won't do them and even then it's later, later and then I end up doing it myself.

How do you feel about that? Do you mind?

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 02/02/2015 12:20

I get very annoyed yes as I wish I only had few things to do each week and things could be so different if only he helped a little more, as my OH would feel differently. But it's like a Mexican standoff :-(

OP posts:

hoobygalooby · 02/02/2015 12:23

Well by the age of 22 I would expect both of my sons to be adult enough to want to help me around the house and to be able to cook and clean up for themselves! The way your son is acting is how he will treat his poor wife in years to come and I do agree with your DH on this one.
If he wants his mates to stay then he needs to be more respectful.

PeruvianFoodLover · 02/02/2015 13:14

But it's like a Mexican standoff :-(

OP what would you do if I turned up on your doorstep and demanded a room, food and laundry done etc? Would you tut, sigh and get on with making me comfortable? That's would be great, thanks!

You are choosing not to do anything about your DS's behaviour - despite your DHs unhappiness and your own annoyance.

Unless your DS owns the house and pays the mortgage, then it's your house, and you can choose who lives there and on what terms.

You've chosen terms for your DS that your DH disagrees with - how long are you expecting him to tolerate that?

maleenteringfemalefacilities · 02/02/2015 13:22

Perhaps you could increase your son's financial contribution till you feel it has compensated you for the jobs he should be doing?

Tell him (nice and cheerfully!) that as it is so difficult for him to do his assigned chores and you hate having to row with him all the time, you're going to charge him instead (make sure it's lots!) and that if he wants his rent to reduce back down, then his behaviour has to change permanently.

Then follow through - take the rent every week, and only buy the food and toiletries that you and your DH like.

If your son doesn't have enough money left to go out to the pub, and can only eat dinners that you and your DH like, he'll either shape up, or ship out (and then he'll find out how expensive it is to support himself).

Becoming self sufficient might be a good life lesson for him.

(I threaten something like the above for 18 yo DD now and again when she huffs and puffs about her chores - works a dream, however it also helps that we live too far into the country for her to get public transport to her friends houses - so she has to keep me happy for Mum's taxi to be available)

PatriciaHolm · 02/02/2015 13:24

You are enabling his pathetic behaviour and infantilising him. He's 22 not 12! So maybe he can't move in with mates - well, lots of people have to take a chance on their first flat share. Why do you continue to put up with it?

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 04/02/2015 21:10

Thank you for all your comments & taking the time to read my problem. I guess I feel guiltym (don't know why) for denying him anything but i know that I have to consider my OH in this which is why I've supported him over the friends staying thing. I can see my sons fault and lack of helping around the house but I do little if nothing to resolve it, I can see that's something I have to work on and it doesn't make me a bad Mum if u say no now & again. I need to remember he's 21 and no longer a child but an adult.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 04/02/2015 21:44

*22

OP posts:

springalong · 05/02/2015 17:18

No you are not a bad mum, but perhaps like many of us you haven't caught up in your parenting style with your son's actual age. My DS is now 9 and I was being ticked off on here before Xmas for letting him go into the ladies with me. It gave me food for thought and this year I will more actively let him go to the gents on his own.

I would say by age 22 I owned my own flat with a mortgage. I had flatmates - some interesting, others were strangers but became friends and are even today nearly 30 years on.

Your DS does sound entitled.

00100001 · 05/02/2015 17:49

Sounds like our son needs to move out and host his mates at his place!

I'm with your husband, why should you accommodate his mates?

Moniker1 · 05/02/2015 18:04

My DH's unmarried brother lived with his DM and did buggar all until he married at about 40 - then his house with his DW was immaculate and he spent his life D-I-Y-Selfing and making a perfect home. Caring for his DM's home just didn't cut it with him, it needed to be HIS home to make him care.

22 isn't that old imo, it isn't until DCs have their own home that they actually get how much effort it takes to run a home.

I might have asked DS for extra dosh for the trouble of having his DFriends, so at least there is some compensation. Perhaps ask for more keep money from him and use it to pay a cleaner.

Perhaps tell DS that by 23/24 you expect him to buggar off move in with some friends so you can look forward to that.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 05/02/2015 19:04

I'd agree springalong, I haven't adjusted for his age at all. It's good to know I'm not being a complete ogre as that's how I feel, thank you all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 06/02/2015 18:32

Oh it's all kicked off today again over something petty. Does it ever end? Already thinking the weekend is going to be rubbish as there's an atmosphere. So tired of the fall outs....:-(

OP posts:

Snoozybird · 06/02/2015 21:13

Oh dear feeling, what happened?

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 06/02/2015 21:24

Over what foods been opened in the kitchen cupboards & fridge by my son. I'm just at a loss, it's like my OH is purposely going out his way to look for problems. Why cant he turn a blind eye, so fed up & sad.

OP posts:

Snoozybird · 06/02/2015 22:15

Sorry you are so fed up, I expect you feel caught in the middle.

I have to say I sympathise with your OH, a situation that is petty in normal circumstances can so easily become the last straw, so whilst you are able to turn a blind eye to your son's behaviour your OH is probably struggling with what he'll see as yet another thing this adult member of the household has done to make everyone's home life unnecessarily stressful. Plus it's so much easier to turn a blind eye when you're the one who's making the decisions as to what's acceptable in your house and what's not.

Assuming your OH is a decent partner overall, it's him you'll be sharing the rest of your life with not your son (of course this advice wouldn't apply if your son was still a dependant child). You can always love and support your son whatever his age but ultimately as a grown man he either needs to pull his weight round the house or move out and get his own place where he'll be free to treat it however he likes.

I hope you work something out, you sound very overwhelmed

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread