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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

They're on the way here

16 replies

Cupcakes123 · 02/01/2015 19:29

And I'm dreading it. Already wishing the weekend away til they go home.

Baby DS is really poorly and sleeping badly, they are going to make so much noise and wake him up. They just don't understand be quiet and they are old enough to know better

Aaarrrggghhhh

Am I the only one that dreads Friday nights??!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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TheJingleMumsRush · 02/01/2015 19:57

Do they normally arrive so late? You don't say how old they are but that seems quite late. My DSC get here around 5 on contact weekends, enough time to see DS and have dinner together and wind down. Maybe if you could get them sooner they won't wake your Ds, and it won't be so hectic getting in

Original poster

Cupcakes123 · 02/01/2015 20:00

They are 7,9,12 & 13. Their mum won't let them come any earlier. So we get hyped up kids that fight going to bed. Yaaaaay.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakes123 · 02/01/2015 20:01

And they are here when he goes to bed Saturdays, still make lots of noise. They operate in 2 volumes, loud or louder!!!!!

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TheJingleMumsRush · 02/01/2015 20:05

Then you need to be firm with them, tell them it's late and its quiet time. I found that when my dsc don't listen, bringing bed time forward by 15 minutes each time they don't listen helps

jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 02/01/2015 20:13

Maybe try being pleased to see them. It is hard having 4 children around whilst looking after a baby, even more so if they are not your own. But if your relationship with their father breaks down you won't want your son turning up at your DP's new family's house with his new partner dreading it and complaining about it.

Original poster

Cupcakes123 · 02/01/2015 20:17

I'm trying to be pleased to see them they don't even say hello to me when they come in the door so it's hard

I feel incredibly guilty about my feelings but I can't help how I feel sadly

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wheresthelight · 02/01/2015 20:43

I agree with mumsrush about needing to be firm. my dsc's also operate at 2 volumes, louder and louder still but they also know that if they wake the baby then I am going to come down on them like a ton of bricks.

bedtimes get earlier if they fight (is very rare occurrence) or they have toys taken away until they earn them back.

however them turning up so late is ridiculous!! why on earth does their mum refuse an earlier pick up?!

Original poster

Cupcakes123 · 02/01/2015 20:59

Their mum is frankly a nightmare, she hates my DP with a passion, will slag him off in front of the kids, texts him and demands the kids back right that instant. Swaps access weekends but won't allow him to change, only sends some of them instead of them all, arranges things on our weekends but just doesn't care.
Honestly I can't imagine why they had so many kids together. But obvs I have to just think that!

They also do not listen to me or anyone else tbh at all. It makes no difference if I ask nicely, or get a bit angry they just pay zero attention and carry on. They fight to hurt each other, they just see red and go for each other, in public, at home, in restaurants anywhere the moment grabs them.
Their behaviour is getting much worse than when I first met them, my DP admits to this but feels somewhat hopeless as there isn't a great deal that can be done as he only has them 4 days a month (EOW)
I'm all for "our house, our rules" I don't care what you do get away with at home but this is how we do it here but that falls on deaf ears

I have a stepmother, love her to bits and I have a fantastic relationship with her, I just seem to have hit a bit of a wall with these kids

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thebluehen · 03/01/2015 06:17

I have 4 step kids too. It's hard work isn't it? Mine are older but it's been hard and I don't have a baby added to the mix.

Your dp really needs to support you on this. Can you really talk to him and tell him how much this affecting you?

Original poster

Cupcakes123 · 03/01/2015 07:53

If I try to start a conversation about the lack of discipline, he gets defensive. Which is annoying. It's just like he knows there's a problem but doesn't want to address it incase he upsets them by setting simple rules, I'm really not trying to turn my house into a prison but some basic rules would improve things hugely that way, they know where the boundaries are and when they're starting to push their luck!

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jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 03/01/2015 11:28

I think it is your OH who needs to set the basic rules. You need to talk to him again.

Spinaroo · 03/01/2015 11:32

How long have you all known each other? What are their interests? I would maybe see if I can get one or two at a time onside and they will hopefully bring the others. They must enjoy seeing their step brother. Can you involve them in his care?

Original poster

Cupcakes123 · 03/01/2015 12:07

I agree, it is him that needs to do it and not chicken out. It's not really my place. I would expect them to behave how I would expect my own DS to behave in our home though. No special allowances for them or him.

I've known them for 3 years, I've lived with their dad for a year and a 1/2. We've had holidays together, days out etc. I used to have a better relationship, I worry that their mum is saying all sorts of rubbish to put them off me, she really has nothing better to do.

They get bored v v quickly and that's when the fights start, organised fun sometimes goes very very wrong. And it's hard to do things seperate as if "a" gets something but "b,c & d" don't get it right there and then, "a" will just wind the others up. It had to be an all or nothing activity.

Things will be alright in the end. This is what I keep telling myself.
I really do want to enjoy them when they're here but it is a struggle.

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kittensinmydinner · 03/01/2015 22:12

Just want to send my utmost sympathy. I also have 4dsc. They have been here for 12days...and left yesterday. They are lovely individually but the ridiculous childish immature poking shouting and fighting between the youngest three (12,14 &15) drives me to utter despair.. This is exacerbated by the fact.that my 3dcs have never ever fought or intentionally tried to hurt one another (yes I know that sounds weird but it's true, nothing to do with my 'brilliant' parenting - just luck) so the two sets are like chalk and cheese except eldest dsc is firmly in the same camp as my 3. I have also tried to talk to dH about this but he gets defensive, but as eldest dsc has taken to coming to visit on the non contact weekend(old enough to make own choice) simply to get relief from the day to day racket at home, he has now had to acknowledge that it is not only me who finds their behaviour unacceptable. My solution for your problem. Do what I have done for nearly two weeks and take yourself off to visit friends/shopping/coffee and simply lessen the time you have to put up with it.

Original poster

Cupcakes123 · 04/01/2015 08:00

Kitten - 12 days Oh wow, you're much more patient than me! I would have got through a lot of wine by then.
I bet it's even harder when you have a set of well behaved kids and then bam, mayhem

My lot are going home at midday today, they are still asleep after mucking about til 11.30 instead of going to sleep so just enjoying some peace.

Then I start the tidy up operation as they also don't feel like they need to tidy up their bedroom so it's left to me....
(I would leave it a mess but I need floor space to put my clothes airers sadly)

OP posts:

Spinaroo · 04/01/2015 10:27

I am sorry it is so tricky cupcakes. I do think divide and conquer may be the way to go though- kids aged 7-13 will have a variety if interests that don't necessarily match each others. iWork's consider having a couple of 'open' activities- who wants to cake cakes, go swimming etc. whoever doesn't can play with the baby, watch tv etc.

Do you live near their other home ? The elder pair especially might resent being dragged out of their own area for 'family fun' when they could be seeing friends etched. Would it be a possibility to allow them to make arrangements with friends then return to your house after so they feel less if a wrench but consider your home as a home too.

Do they all sleep in the same room? I appreciate space may be a problem but they will have wildly differing bedtimes ( and 11.30 at the weekend for a teen is certainly normal in this house). I wonder if they feel the sleeping arrangements take little account if their individuality and confronts the notion they are blocked together as "the step kids". Would you consider offering a blow up bed in another part of the house to the eldest?

Sorry, I know it must be very hard but there may be some small changes you could make to make the situation easier for all of you.

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