Please give me some advice over dsd on whether im the problem

[trappedinsuburbia]

Me and dp dont live together anymore, we have a young dd together, i have a 9 yr old ds and dp has 2 dd's eldest is 21 which is the one im having a problem with.
Dsd is very clingy to her dad, everytime he has been round after work this week she has come with him and wont leave until he does, i get the hello but only if ive said hello first, then she will sit with her coat on and not say another word or i get one word answers to anything i ask, but always with a smile so she is being polite. She has told her dad she is spending new year with him, the thought of having her here through the bells is depressing me and getting up to her on my couch early the next morning with the baby then sitting through dinner ...... just told dp to leave after the bells and go to his mothers now.
I feel she is being really passive aggressive and would have a real problem if dp were to move back in here.
I have been with dp for about 4 years now and used to get on really well with dsd, i always suspected a small amount of jealousy from her but thought it would pass as she got older and always made an effort, now i just dont know what to do, any advice welcome.

Can you talk to your dp about it, surely he wants to spend some alone time with you?

She's 21?

Does she have friends/job/partner?

I dont want to raise it just now because of the time of year and it will cause a huge fight as i cannot hold my tongue.
Dp hasnt commented as yet, he will think its nice shes here im sure, but will start to wonder if it goes on too much longer.
No, she cannot hold a job down.
She has friends and yes at 21 what would you be doing on new years, i would have been out partying.
No boyfriend im aware of, although she wouldnt usually let us know.

How is she with everyone else?

Shes not the chattiest person but its never been this bad, used to be even just watching tv we would have idle chat about what we were watching, kind of normal chit chat about everything/nothing in general. We would hang out sometimes if she was a loose end with dd, i did always get the feeling she was holding back but thought this would diminish over time.
I remember once when dd was newborn and dp was holding her, the look of disgust on dsds face. Again i never mentioned it, it was fleeting and then the smile was back.
I think shes the way she used to be with me with everyone else, its quite subtle.

Oh and the last time she eas here we were all drinking, she had 2 glasses of wine and said she would get up with dd in morning, so me and dp went out to friends and slept in living room. Dsd in our room. Dd and dsd up and dp went to bed, dsd ssid was tired and did I mind if she crashed, no of course not. She went to sleep next to dp in my bed, now tell me thats not right. As soon as dp awake he came down and I don't think he thought it was right as very off with her.

What's her relationship like with her mum?

Relationship with her mum is normal as far as i know.
Any advice ??

I don't know really sorry, she sounds insecure and worried about her status in her dads life to me.
I'm not saying that you or her give her any reason to be though.

Well she clearly needs to get her own life. She sounds a bit dissatisfied with her lot and is unhealthily focused on your position in her dad's life. She shouldn't be getting into bed with her dad. Just tell your dp that you rather he didn't bring her round. Why Is she over every night? Does she live with your dp? Isn't she at work etc?

Well its hogmany tonight so will grin and bear it, after that though im going to have to say something and if dp doesn't like it then tough. I feel like she is trying to be me she's been fussing around doing his housework etc, not that I do his housework! Yes she announced on Sunday she would be staying with him till after the new year.

No she can't seem to get or keep a job, despite me showing her suitable vacancies she hasn't bothered applying for any.

She sounds very immature and unfocused. It could be that she has the hump with you over something ridiculously minor like she didn't like your Xmas pressure etc, you just have to focus on your own kids and be the bigger matured person. Treat her in a friendly manner but don't pander.

I think she's very immature its like she still wants to be daddy's little princess, thanks for the advice I thought I was being a complete bitch.

She sounds very challenging.

I'd be tempted to casually ask in front of DP what her friends are up to this evening.

I'd have no problem with a grown DSC staying in on NYE with us if they really had nothing better to do but they'd have to be polite and sociable and not sleep with their Dad

Just sent dp packing and sitting in tears, i really want to put on a face and get through the evening but dont know if ill be able to, i didnt realise how pushed out i felt. Dp not a clue whats up hes going to phone me in a bit to see if he can come back down, really feel like just going to bed but that'll be just giving in to it, no idea what to do.

I don't think you're being a bitch at all, it's such an odd position to be in.
I mean, if she was 8 you'd expect her to visit with him but at 21 it really isn't awful to expect some time alone with your dp, but frankly he should be telling her he has plans sometimes imo.

How did you evening go?

Well p didnt call me, i went to bed at 10 and switched off my phone.
I heard from him yesterday asking to see dd but i was out.
He called again today, he came by to see dd after dsd had went home.
Its over, we had other issues, but this was ridiculous, hes probably been on the drink all this time (the reason we no longer live together).