Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

To be annoyed with my dd's getting left out?

22 replies

Decemberbabes · 16/12/2014 17:15

My self and dp have one dc together (baby) I have 2 older dd's from first marriage and he has a son from his first marriage!

Now 2 things have annoyed me on last few days!

Firstly he went out with his son at weekend and went to card shop for his son to get cards for DP's bro and wife and his mum (so uncle, nan etc) and got his son to write these and told me how his son had written special cards to them, when I asked if he had picked up cards for the other children to give he actually looked shocked and said why would I....... Ummm because for a start our baby is related to them the same way as your son is!

Second thing that bugged me was when wrapping presents for his family I asked him to write tags, he wrote the tags from him, me, his son and our baby! No mention of my other two children, when I pulled him up on this he then added "the girls" at the bottom, AIBU expecting him to at least write there names and include them as part of the family?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

QueenofallIsee · 16/12/2014 17:21

You are not being unreasonable - you are a family unit and your daughters should be represented as such. Unless the flip side of this is you do not include your stepson in things like that for your family? The only way that would be OK would be if you both behave like that in complete agreement i.e. not totally blended. Otherwise he is being a bit of a wanker to be honest

supermariossister · 16/12/2014 17:37

sounds grim to me, must be horrible for your girls too and I would totally call him out on it how would he like it if you did the same from dds. baby and not his ds. even when my schildren dont know the recipient we all go on cards/gifts because that is our family

needaholidaynow · 16/12/2014 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greencurtain · 16/12/2014 17:42

Is he just a bit thoughtless? Does he treat his ds1 a bit differently because (presumably) he sees him less than the baby? i would expect the card to his parents to be from all 6 of you and I'd expect his parents to buy for all 4 kids if buying for any of them.

Original poster

Decemberbabes · 16/12/2014 17:50

He prob actually sees his son more than our baby! Yes we do live together in every sense of the word but like lots of families he works away mon-fir which actually is only 5 mins from his son so he has him twice a week after school as well as weekends at our home!

No none of his family buy my children Xmas present, not even a 99p selection box! And no Xmas cards either, from his brother we were sent a specail card for his son, one for the baby and then just one to him and me! Actually pretty hurt that they couldn't even include my children on the card

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 16/12/2014 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quirkycutekitch · 16/12/2014 17:56

This would annoy me too - he obviously doesn't see your girls as part of his family & neither do his family.

QueenofallIsee · 16/12/2014 17:58

His extended family will take their lead from your DP though - his brother won't think of them as nieces/family unless your DP represents them as such. You need a sharp conversation and fast.

Original poster

Decemberbabes · 16/12/2014 18:38

I must admit I'm very surprised by his bro and sil. His SIL and her family are the kindest, most lovely Christian family you could meet. Sil parents treat my dp as a son in law and have told him he is as much part of their family as his brother is.

Sil sister has a step daughter that they all treat as part of the family and even now that sil sister is no longer married to her partner they still have her step daughter EOW, half of all school hola etc just like they used to!

Guess it didn't bother me as much when we weren't living together, but now that we are a family and have a child together it really does bother me that they can't even address my dd's in a card!

OP posts:

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 16/12/2014 18:48

Stuff like this makes me really sad. I think kids should be remembered in families regardless of who their parent is. There is no way i would buy a gift or card for one or two children of a family and leave out others just because i was 'blood' related to only some of them. If is a a horrible thing to do to children.

Its realy not on that your DP is making such a deliberate difference between the children. You sre either family or you arent. Is this a recent thing he has started doing or has he always been like this?

paperlace · 17/12/2014 06:29

I agree people will take their lead from your dp.

Giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, these things can take time for everyone to adjust to.

My BIL has new gf with a ds. We are a nice, kind extended family (if I say so myself!) but have to admit it's taken us a year since they moved in together for me to say 'oh god we should buy her ds her Xmas present'! It's not that I don't like him or her, it's just we'd been used to just BIL and his two dds for 10 years and until they moved in together she was 'just' his girlfriend and we didn't see her son much.

Talk to your dp again calmly and ask him to set the wheels in motion ie always signing from all of you, even gently reminded family to include your dds if they're not included.

Princessjonsie · 18/12/2014 03:42

My step son doesn't live with us, we only see him once a yar and he hates me but I always put him in cards and gift tags if only for my husbands benefit

claraschu · 18/12/2014 04:01

I just wanted to point out he might have done the card as an activity for his son, who is old enough to write. It would never occur to me to buy people a card from a baby.

Original poster

Decemberbabes · 18/12/2014 21:01

Appears it not just my older dd's it's actually also "Our Baby" who is always going to suffer and not get the same treatment as her older brother!

BIL/SIL dropped presents today, dp son has a £50-£60 Lego set, the baby has a few pounds worth teething ring.

But totally agree what others have said that they will follow lead off dp! I have noticed that he diesnt treat them the same at all, always to busy having to work etc for the baby, even doesn't attend any of the hospital appointments due to a few health issues she is going through as he is always having to work! But leave work twice week early to pick up son from school and take to football training, will take day off at drop of hat if son is ill and exw needs to work, and always going to meetings at the school etc!

So thinking about it I don't think my older dd's bring left off a card is my biggest issue

OP posts:

paperlace · 19/12/2014 16:01

I think you have far more to worry abot than unbalanced presents.

You need a proper talk with him. But do really listen to him. He might be being thoughtless, he might be trying very hard to make his older son feel special and not overshadowed by a new baby or your daughters. As I said upthread you might want everything to be perfect and all kids thought of and treated as equal but these things can e mess and take a long while to adjust to from allsides. Only you know if he's a good guy really or an arse.

Btw on the presesnt front, I think you are being a bit precious. Baies do not need exppensive presents, they have no idea what's going on and it's a waste of dosh to buy anything more than a small token present or some baby equipment that's actually needed!

paperlace · 19/12/2014 16:03

Excuse all the mistakes, my laptop is having a meltdown today!

CheeseBuster · 19/12/2014 16:07

Most people don't spend a lot on babies at Xmas, I'm sure when she's older they'll give her presents that cost more too.

Bluegill · 19/12/2014 16:12

It's bloody horrible. My DS had to sit through present exchanges with his father and his family. When he came home he was absolutely devastated that they hadn't put his name on the gifts. Just dad, his wife and their Dd. they like to pretend Ds doesn't exist. I think it says an awful lot.

DaisyFlowerChain · 19/12/2014 18:06

Lots on MN buy token gifts for their youngest and spend far more on older children so it's not unusual.

Do you think with him living elsewhere during the week they don't really see you are living together?

You can't force anybody to buy presents sadly and presumably it evens out as your DD's get from their fathers side who don't buy for the other two.

Smileybutstressed · 26/12/2014 09:30

YANBU. If I had forgotten to write DSD's name on a card or present to the recipient it would've been curtains for me!!

TheXxed · 26/12/2014 10:09

YABU on the toy front, your DC is a baby they wont remember this Christmas. In my family no one buys gifts for child until they are at least a toddler and even then its a token gift.

nicknack9510 · 27/12/2014 19:31

I think that when you have a relationship with someone with children, then you have to treat them as a unit. You come with your DD's as a package and I consider his family snubbing them to be no different to them snubbing you. If DP won't do anything about it, you need to decide if you can live with that.

Flip