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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

brick wall

15 replies

wheresthelight · 08/12/2014 15:22

so after taking on board lots of what was posted on my Christmas thread dp and I had a chat and it was agreed that it would be unreasonable to have the kids for Christmas right through to the end of our contact weekend.

Dp emailed his ex to discuss the arrangements (she has form for concocting her own truth about spoken conversation) and said that as it was our turn for Christmas and then our contact weekend did she want the kids up to tea time on xmas eve and then from mid afternoon boxing day for the weekend to even things up.

as suspected she wants them for Christmas day and lunch and nothing else will do.

am really angry and hurt for dp and the kids. what do we do next?

OP posts:

Petal02 · 08/12/2014 15:33

Can you remind me what you previous thread was called, i don't want to mix you up with anyone else by mistake!

TheMumsRush · 08/12/2014 15:40

I'm guessing you are meant to be having them over Christmas?

Original poster

wheresthelight · 08/12/2014 15:54

can't remember petal!

but basically it's our turn for Christmas and it runs into our contact weekend so was asking for advice about court ordered contact as we suspected that she would refuse contact on Christmas

OP posts:

TheMumsRush · 08/12/2014 18:06

Can she do that? I would tell her that what she has suggested isn't an option. Sorry, not much help I know

Original poster

wheresthelight · 08/12/2014 19:51

Legally no mumsrush but as rp she holds all the cards.

she wants them for Xmas eve through to after Xmas lunch when she had them for the whole of Christmas last year as in xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day and then the year before we had them xmas eve, into xmas morning but had to have them back to her for midday so they got no time with us really. conveniently however she has forgotten all of this and is demanding she hasn't agreed to alternate years. unfortunately for her we have the mediation documents that prove otherwise but it's too near xmas to take her to court this year but it will have to happen in January because she is ridiculous.

OP posts:

HeadDoctor · 08/12/2014 21:05

Mediation (again) is your first port of call. You can't go to court without a mediator signing your court form.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 08/12/2014 21:48

thanks headdoctor - dp is going to speak to his solicitor and get the wheels in motion cos this is ridiculous. The kids are so excited at being able to wake up with their dad this year as they understand that its their turn to be with him this year so they will be devastated.

OP posts:

Original poster

wheresthelight · 14/12/2014 09:27

I am Sooooooo cross and upset for dp.

his ex had the kids for the whole of Christmas last year as it was her year. it should be his turn this year, the kids know this and are excited but she is refusing to allow him to have them until mid afternoon on xmas day because she has chosen to have them and he just has to suck it up.

they should also be with us for new year but she is refusing that too.

we really can't afford more mediation and then the prospect of court but I really can't see we have any choice.

Dp is devastated and has been really calm on email and fair, offering her to have them up to 4am xmas eve and then from 4pm on xmas day and she is flatly refusing. she is being a real cow and really nasty in her replies and has basically said he has no right they are her kids etc.

any suggestions what we do next to avoid court but get her to see how unfair she is being on dp and the kids?

OP posts:

newstart15 · 16/12/2014 14:10

If you have it agreed in mediation then I think you should consider taking legal advice. Perhaps a letter from a solicitor will help her see sense. I would then make sure you have a court order in place for next year. It saved us so much heartache and lowered the conflict levels which is in the children's best interests.

I wish we had taken legal/court action earlier as if someone is unreasonable then nothing you do or say will change them. I guess she hasn't adapted to the idea of not having the children christmas which is understandably but it's one of the losses of being separated.

How old are the children? Are they at an age to speak to their mum?

PeruvianFoodLover · 16/12/2014 14:18

she is being a real cow and really nasty in her replies and has basically said he has no right they are her kids etc.

If she has this attitude, and has already disregarded a mediated agreement then it's unlikely that a court order will make any difference, tbh. She knows she's being "unfair" on your DP and doesn't care - and probably believes theat it won't make any difference to the DCs.

It may be a case of accepting her position, not making a fuss about it - creating your own family traditions at other times (why not spontaneously celebrate Xmas with them in Late January, for instance?).

Often, this type of contact blocking is a way of "hurting" the NRP and the more the Rp sees their pain, the more they do it. If your DP backs off (as much as it'll hurt in the short term) then in time, his ex will lose interest - she'll only keep on doing something if she thinks it gets to him.

Whatever21 · 16/12/2014 20:05

It is his court ordered contact time and if she is going to be difficult, then she gets nothing and I am the RP.

Your DP was being reasonable and fair - she is not and he has the legal and moral high ground on this.

LAst year, it was my EXs turn to have DCs, - first time, it hurt like hell but they went. We skyped and it was bad. They never want to go back their for Xmas - this year is mine and next year - well he just dumped her and walked out, so I guess I will not be in the position of ahving to force them.

If she will not play ball then he has them the whole time.

duckduckgoose1 · 16/12/2014 20:48

Is alternate Chriatmas' written into the Court Order?

duckduckgoose1 · 16/12/2014 20:48

Christmas' even

StepMum87 · 17/12/2014 11:29

I can totally sympathise. DP and I have a similar situation with his ex just refusing any plan that is put forward. It's either what she has suggested or what she has suggested, she refuses to budge. We had similar last year and DP eventually backed down and regretted it. This year we are holding firm.
Only thing I can suggest is just grin and bare it.

Maybe let her cool off for a few days before trying another attempt at reasoning. At the very least it stops you worrying about it for a day or two.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 17/12/2014 13:01

the mediation agreement says they agreed alternating Christmas and details to be decided between themselves.

she is being down right bitchy just because she can. I had to collect the kids as dp was at work last Friday and they weren't quite ready so she slammed the door in my face!

the kids are 9 Amd 11 and whisky I haven't said a word to dsd as she is too young imo I have mentioned it to dss as he asked a specific question about what we would be doing on xmas eve. I was very good despite what I wanted to say and just told him that mummy and daddy both loved them and wanted to wake up with them on xmas morning, and although it was daddy's turn as mummy had had them last year mummy wanted them with her so her and daddy were still trying to decide what would happen but that he needed to prepare himself that they might nit be able to be here. he was quite upset and disappointed. he may say something to his mum but I am not sure.

she is having a fit about dss seeing his cousin (her sister's son) when with us, they are the same age and in the same year at school but mum and fallen out with her sister so the kids aren't seeing each other. he asked if he could invite his cousin to ours and I said yes if it was alright with mum and aunty. he mentioned it to mum and apparently she hit the roof and told him that her sister and daddy weren't allowed to be friends anymore so he couldn't seems cousin on our contact days. I mean who the hell says that?!

dp and her sister have known each other 20 odd years!! you divorce the adult not the kids and family imo

OP posts:

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