Why would she refuse maintenance?!

[Justkeepsmiling1]

Hi All,

Apologies if I'm posting in the wrong section, I'm new to the site and thought maybe some of you may have been in a similar situation. Bit of background, DP was paying his ex in a family based arrangment until he lost his job just under a year ago. He literally had no spare money whatsoever, his JSA and HB didn't even cover his rent & basic bills so he explained the situation to his ex and whilst she didn't like him not paying anything, she said fine and well really there wasn't much either of them can do. This last year has been a total nightmare for DP and even though he's been trying his hardest, he couldn't find a job. A few months ago, his ex had decided she'd had enough and went through Child Maintenance expecting to get money off him. Child Maintenance said he was on nil rate as he was on JSA and has his son (now 4yrs old) at least one overnight a week. She totally flipped out about this and made things so difficult for DP to see his son. Now, around three months after she submitted the child maintenance form, DP has gone to college to try and further his education and get a better job to provide for his son - he had his son young and was a stay at home Dad so his ex could finish college, so he never really got anywhere past GCSE's. According to child maintenance he's still on nil rate but neither of us thinks that's right - why should he not provide for his son just because he's in college?! Since DP now gets a grant for being in college plus we pool our resources together as we're now living together and getting married soon, he offered to pay for his school lunches (or the equivalent of) so £10 a week. I know it's not much but we can't afford much more, DP himself only brings in £8 a week plus whatever part time work he can get his hands on. But his ex is refusing. Why would she do that?! He's offering her money for their son. She paid £20 for child maintenance only to be told she's entitled to nothing, constantly complains he never financially provides for his son when he's with her and is always saying she's skint. His son is always in oversized, ripped clothes, she's a stay at home mum, her other half works full time minimum wage so it's not like they're rolling in it. And even if they were, he just wants to provide what he can for his son. Why on earth would someone say no? I really try my best to understand her as sometimes she can be a bit crazy but I'm really struggling with this one and DP is a bit disheartened she won't let him pay for his son (or basically have any say in his upbringing but that's another topic...)

Apologies for the length of this, I didn't mean to write so much!

Which is the thread about transport? Curious as I left a controlling r/s, and part of that was xH2's views on DD and her dad's situation. As it turns out, DD's dad should do more now, but at the time, I didn't really see how. Plus, it was not like XH2 was supporting DD, he used XH1s lack of contribution to justify that.

So, yes, there can be other issues behind maintenance discussions, which are nothing to do with the NRP.

Chief I meant that she'd already agreed to do some of the travelling before DP offered maintenance, I can't see why him offering maintenance would make a difference, but I kind of see where you're coming from in that perhaps she's thinking she can now say well she turned down maintenance therefore he can't claim he's skint.

Romey basically both DP's ex and DP have moved in the last year. Originally they agreed to meet midway but now ex is shouting and swearing at DP when he expects the agreement to remain the same. I asked on aibu to see if it was unreasonable of DP to expect her to stick to the agreement or if DP's ex was being unreasonable for changing it. To sum up briefly how I view the responses:-
I'm an idiot for supporting DP through college and he should find a ft job (from where?!)
DP's lying to me about his finances even though we're both incredibly open about it all
DP's a cocklodger
DP's ex is all sunshine and roses for being a Sahm but DP is a tosspot for being a sahd when baby was first born.

But here's the link for yourself:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2189659-To-expect-her-to-do-some-of-the-travelling

Best to stay away from AIBU

Haha Purple - I rarely do. I may have a nosey in there but I don't think I fancy posting anything in there - most are guaranteed a flaming.

Ah, okay - I am at work now, but will read later. I've been a step-parent and a single parent; xh1 is now re-married with DC, whilst xH2 has a first family, his ex has now re-married too. It is a minefield.

I think it is only England that gets the free school meals. Children in Northern Ireland don't. Are you in England?

Lesson learnt very quickly re posting in there about step issues, have only been on the site for a few days.

Romey you're right, it is a minefield and I'm just a stb step parent without all that comes with being a single parent too! Hats off to you for dealing with it from both ends :)

Lorne unfortunately we're in Wales. Apparently infant children can get a free breakfast - not much use to a Sahm who would probably find it easier to feed him herself instead of leaving the house earlier to take him to breakfast club.

Wow, that was some thread! I skin read a lot of it. Having read it, I would quite simply respond as follows.

When DD's dad was long term unemployed, I also dropped DD off at his. He had no transport, and buses would have been a 40min journey each way for her. XH2 complained about this, though the fundamental point was that it was better for DD to have a 15 minute car journey than a 40 min bus journey (because of the roundabout bus route).

After DD's dad and I had the argument about maintenance, I told him I was no longer doing drop offs and pick ups, but would drop DD at the station, making it a shorter journey for them, but symbolically meaning that he had to make some effort to see her.

This is a long way of saying that your DP should prioritise seeing his dc and take full responsibility for doing that. Your offer of money is well-intentioned, but for a dc, it means much more that a parent makes the effort to come and collect them. Travel time on public transport can be made fun. If your DP has been assessed at nothing, then he has been assessed at nothing. Your DP should use his money to pay travel costs and what his DS needs at yours. A day with Daddy is worth lots to a small child.

FWIW, I can believe that finding a job is hard, and your dp is at a disadvantage having taken on a caring role. There are some good suggestions on there and your dp will get there. It took dd's dad five years and he retrained as well. Your DP is lucky to have you, but gae canny, as we would say here. You have a big heart, make sure you look after yourself too. You are young enough to wait till he is on his feet before getting married and having your own dc.

As for me coping, I did not in the end. I was a step-parent for seven years, in a 'chain' if you like, of reconstituted families. The one thing I took too long to learn was that it matters not one wit how the ex organises her life, where her money comes from etc. Legal financial obligations should be upheld, and it is important for dc to have consistent contact. Your only concern for your stepdc is to be welcoming in your home; to make sure he is cared for in your home, and your dp needs to make sure he gets dc there at scheduled contact times. There is no point getting consumed by thinking this, that and the other about the ex.

Those are brilliant posts Romey, and are exactly what I wanted to say. I too have been in the SM position, lone parent position and in a second step situation.

You really do have to focus on what is important, and in your dp's case, if she is refusing maintenance then it's a gift as it means he has the money to travel. If he doesn't start doing the travelling, for me, that would be very telling.

Thanks both for taking the time to reply. I completely agree we'll have to find the money for transport. I really don't mind being told I'm in the wrong it's just the thread got out of hand and (in my opinion at least) some of the posters weren't being very friendly and focusing too much on the maintenance / lack of job issue. Of course, there were some lovely helpful replies too.

The big bummer we've just realised is since DSS turns 5 soon we'll also have to pay for his fare. That combined with going all the way to his Mum's flat pushes the cost up to almost £40 every other weekend just for the transport! Still, £20 a week is less than the amount we were spending on DSS when he was here every other week of the summer hols.

Romey what did your ex retrain in? That's awful it took 5 years though I can well believe it. You're 100% right that the ex's life doesn't matter from my point of view when it comes to issues like financial obligations. I don't normally care, as long as DSS is loved, fed, clothed, kept warm etc then it doesn't bother me in the slightest what she does. I was just in a defensive mood.

Thanks again.

Unless your DSS is unusually large or wearing his "I'm 5 today" badge, in my experience the railway staff are relatively relaxed about the exact age of children - you can probably pass him off as an under 5 for at least another year or so

Purple good point. He is quite small for his age and unless someone specifically asks how old he is (to which he'll blurt out he's 5) then I can't see it being a problem. Not sure why but I've just got this vision of them being asked all the time how old he is and then DP getting fined or in trouble or something for not buying one. My friend almost got taken to court once for fare dodging (long story but he's disabled and it was a complete accident) and so I just panic whenever we've not had chance to buy a ticket - let alone deliberately avoided buying one.

He retrained as a mechanic, having been a software programmer. The retraining didn't take five years, he spent a couple of years trying to get a job in his previous field and anything else going. It was just after the financial crash that he lost his job, so an employment desert.

I've seen fare dodgers get caught too on trains, but I've never heard of anyone getting caught with a 5 year old passing off as younger. There's no way they could prove how old they are is there? You're not likely to have any ID on you for a young child.

You could always play the forgetful parent who's forgotten their child's now 5 if you did get caught out - My DH got one of his DC's ages wrong when I first asked him how old they all were