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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Why would she refuse maintenance?!

66 replies

Justkeepsmiling1 · 19/09/2014 16:51

Hi All,

Apologies if I'm posting in the wrong section, I'm new to the site and thought maybe some of you may have been in a similar situation. Bit of background, DP was paying his ex in a family based arrangment until he lost his job just under a year ago. He literally had no spare money whatsoever, his JSA and HB didn't even cover his rent & basic bills so he explained the situation to his ex and whilst she didn't like him not paying anything, she said fine and well really there wasn't much either of them can do. This last year has been a total nightmare for DP and even though he's been trying his hardest, he couldn't find a job. A few months ago, his ex had decided she'd had enough and went through Child Maintenance expecting to get money off him. Child Maintenance said he was on nil rate as he was on JSA and has his son (now 4yrs old) at least one overnight a week. She totally flipped out about this and made things so difficult for DP to see his son. Now, around three months after she submitted the child maintenance form, DP has gone to college to try and further his education and get a better job to provide for his son - he had his son young and was a stay at home Dad so his ex could finish college, so he never really got anywhere past GCSE's. According to child maintenance he's still on nil rate but neither of us thinks that's right - why should he not provide for his son just because he's in college?! Since DP now gets a grant for being in college plus we pool our resources together as we're now living together and getting married soon, he offered to pay for his school lunches (or the equivalent of) so £10 a week. I know it's not much but we can't afford much more, DP himself only brings in £8 a week plus whatever part time work he can get his hands on. But his ex is refusing. Why would she do that?! He's offering her money for their son. She paid £20 for child maintenance only to be told she's entitled to nothing, constantly complains he never financially provides for his son when he's with her and is always saying she's skint. His son is always in oversized, ripped clothes, she's a stay at home mum, her other half works full time minimum wage so it's not like they're rolling in it. And even if they were, he just wants to provide what he can for his son. Why on earth would someone say no? I really try my best to understand her as sometimes she can be a bit crazy but I'm really struggling with this one and DP is a bit disheartened she won't let him pay for his son (or basically have any say in his upbringing but that's another topic...)

Apologies for the length of this, I didn't mean to write so much!

OP posts:
PenisesAreNotPink · 19/09/2014 16:53

Because she doesn't want to rely on it or beholden to him when he doesn't 'owe' it?

fedupbutfine · 19/09/2014 17:01

Maybe offer a cash payment of £10 a week rather than demand it's a payment for school lunches? I wouldn't personally take money from my ex that had strings attached. It's not worth the hassle.

PeanutBitter · 19/09/2014 17:01

Probably overwhelmed and wondering what she could spend such a windfall on.

Or maybe she's waiting for your dp to stop selfishly 'furthering himself' and get a full time job and support his child properly.

Who knows.

jakejanebaz · 19/09/2014 17:04

put the money in a savings account for his son. Get her to put it in some form of writing that she is refusing child support.I would send her an email/text offering it again and keep any replies from her saying she does not want it. That way if it ever goes to court over contact arrangments and she tries to bring up that your DP does not pay support, he has proof that he tried, she refused so he now puts it in an account for his son.

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 19/09/2014 17:09

Yeah I get it, £10 a week isn't much but it's all we can afford. He's tried getting a job and he hasn't been able to. She only managed to get her qualifications because DP stayed at home with their baby so basically she should be allowed to further himself but not her? She doesn't even use the qualifications she's got as she gave up work as soon as she realised benefits paid more!

Sorry I didn't mean that there were strings attached just that we can't afford much so he just asked can we at least pay the equivalent of his school dinner fees. At the end of the day she could do whatever she wants with that money as he was going to give her cash / set up a bank transfer.

That's a good idea about putting it in an account for him. At least then it's going to him instead of remaining in our general pot and probably getting spent on bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 19/09/2014 17:10

Can't type! Meant she should be able to further herself but not him.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 19/09/2014 17:58

I think you and dp sound really lovely! and am not sure why some of the responses are being so nasty.

I agree to sending her an email or text offering her the money and keep the replies. if she still says no then pay it into a savings account for the child to use later.

hope it works out for you

PesoPenguin · 19/09/2014 18:11

Maybe she feels that she would be relinquishing some control or maybe she likes to have a reason to moan about him. You know that if you're in the UK he'll be getting free school dinners though? Or maybe she's planning a reassessment or feels that if she agrees to a small amount now she'll be stuck with that forever. I agree that all you can do us put the money aside for if she changes her mind.

badgerknowsbest · 19/09/2014 18:13

She probably just prefers being able to say that your dp doesn't pay, I would definitely try and get proof that she wont accept payment and put it in a separate account.

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 19/09/2014 18:16

Thanks wheresthelight. I can sort of understand where others are coming from. Realistically £10 is peanuts compared to the actual costs of bringing up a child, but we're trying our best and always pay for things for his son like his uniform etc.

PesoPenguin - really? She told us it was just under £2 a day. My mum was adamant infant kids get it free but then DP's ex was adamant she has to pay. Can't understand why she pays if she doesn't have to :S

OP posts:
Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 19/09/2014 18:17

I really hope she doesn't think if she agrees to £10 it'll remain that way. DP would offer me if we could.

Thankfully the communication about maintenance was by text so there is proof she said no.

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 19/09/2014 18:18

I agree to either putting the money aside each week or getting him an item of clothing each week for a while maybe?
A school jumper in the next size up, pack of polo shirts and trousers the next.
Couple of packs of undies and socks, plimsolls that are one size too big etc.
Send them home with him and keep the receipts.
Agree he should be getting free lunches.

Whereisegg · 19/09/2014 18:19

Oh x-post about the uniform.

WakeyCakey45 · 19/09/2014 18:24

Or maybe she's waiting for your dp to stop selfishly 'furthering himself' and get a full time job and support his child properly.

That's a really bitchy way of looking at it.

Every so often, I'm reminded that some women do expect their ex's to earn a 6-figure salary regardless of qualifications or buoyancy of the job market. Oh yes, and be available to do his fair share of child care as well.

The OPs DP has very low earning potential, has tried and failed to get a low paying job and is now willing to financially provide for his son as much as he can out of his student grant while he studies in an effort to secure qualifications to become more employable.
It's no wonder there are deadbeat dads out there if any effort they make is met with such distain. I can well understand the "what's the f'in point?" attitude.

OP, my DH was long term unemployed and I know how demoralising it is, and how sensitive you are probably feeling to criticism of his situation. Please don't take the comments on this thread to heart - or his ex's odd behaviour; it really isn't you, or him, it's them!

lunatuna · 19/09/2014 18:24

They've only just changed it to free school meals for little ones this September. I think you've had good advice here, buy him some uniform and email her asking to pay her directly the £10 each week.

AlpacaMyBags · 19/09/2014 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 19/09/2014 18:26

Free school dinners aren't for the whole of the uk, Wales don't do them.

Tovi · 19/09/2014 18:28

Free school dinners aren't for the whole of the uk, Wales don't do them

If you're on benefits they do.

RabbitSaysWoof · 19/09/2014 18:30

My xp is having a hard time atm through no fault of he own, he gives me £10 per weeks also.
Im not even being patronising when I say that it is helpful and it does go somewhere. Monthly its all of my ds's nappies, wipes, milk, my washing powder and a decent amount of fruit (I do shop in aldi obvs).

Tovi · 19/09/2014 18:31

I'd send an email offering what you can and if she declines then put it in to a bank account for him. But keep all email correspondence of offers to pay maintenance and any replies you get back.

purpleroses · 19/09/2014 19:04

My guess would be she prefers bedding able to moan that she doesn't get a penny from him. And if your DP suggested he pays for school meals that she knows are actually going to be free then she'd need to admit to knowing or risk him finding out later and complaining.

I wouldn't save the money for later if money's tight for you and DSS's mum too right now, just spend what you can afford on clothes, etc for him. Maybe ask the ex of there's anything he needs so you get things she would otherwise have to buy herself, but if she won't tell you then make your own judgements.

PeanutBitter · 19/09/2014 19:21

Justkeep I'm in a grumpy ass mood today (bad day) and should never MN in that state of mind so while I stand by what I said in general it was worded unfairly and witchy and totally off subject to what you asked.

Thanks and I'm stepping away from the keyboard.

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 19/09/2014 19:48

FYCath is right, we're in Wales so unfortunately don't get it - we just looked into it briefly and the free school meals for all doesn't apply unfortunately. She's lost her benefits as her new bf moved in and he's earning. I have to admit, this government doesn't make it financially better for two parent working families. She does seem to be worse off now as she's lost housing benefit and income support as well as free school meals. But anyway, I digress.

In an ideal world DP would have a good job and be able to pay for everything but he just doesn't have very good qualifications and wasn't getting anywhere without getting them. A lot of people say the Dad should provide (and I completely agree!) but what about the Mum? She's been at home for at least 2 years now even though she has qualifications. She claimed she gave up her part time job as she couldn't afford childcare but at the time DP lived 20mins away and was more than willing and actually wanted him more but she wouldn't let him.

Rabbit you sound really lovely. It can't be easy only getting £10 a week but you seem to be taking it really well :)

OP posts:
WakeyCakey45 · 19/09/2014 20:01

peanut Flowers and Wine

needaholidaynow · 19/09/2014 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.