Why would she refuse maintenance?!

[Justkeepsmiling1]

Hi All,

Apologies if I'm posting in the wrong section, I'm new to the site and thought maybe some of you may have been in a similar situation. Bit of background, DP was paying his ex in a family based arrangment until he lost his job just under a year ago. He literally had no spare money whatsoever, his JSA and HB didn't even cover his rent & basic bills so he explained the situation to his ex and whilst she didn't like him not paying anything, she said fine and well really there wasn't much either of them can do. This last year has been a total nightmare for DP and even though he's been trying his hardest, he couldn't find a job. A few months ago, his ex had decided she'd had enough and went through Child Maintenance expecting to get money off him. Child Maintenance said he was on nil rate as he was on JSA and has his son (now 4yrs old) at least one overnight a week. She totally flipped out about this and made things so difficult for DP to see his son. Now, around three months after she submitted the child maintenance form, DP has gone to college to try and further his education and get a better job to provide for his son - he had his son young and was a stay at home Dad so his ex could finish college, so he never really got anywhere past GCSE's. According to child maintenance he's still on nil rate but neither of us thinks that's right - why should he not provide for his son just because he's in college?! Since DP now gets a grant for being in college plus we pool our resources together as we're now living together and getting married soon, he offered to pay for his school lunches (or the equivalent of) so £10 a week. I know it's not much but we can't afford much more, DP himself only brings in £8 a week plus whatever part time work he can get his hands on. But his ex is refusing. Why would she do that?! He's offering her money for their son. She paid £20 for child maintenance only to be told she's entitled to nothing, constantly complains he never financially provides for his son when he's with her and is always saying she's skint. His son is always in oversized, ripped clothes, she's a stay at home mum, her other half works full time minimum wage so it's not like they're rolling in it. And even if they were, he just wants to provide what he can for his son. Why on earth would someone say no? I really try my best to understand her as sometimes she can be a bit crazy but I'm really struggling with this one and DP is a bit disheartened she won't let him pay for his son (or basically have any say in his upbringing but that's another topic...)

Apologies for the length of this, I didn't mean to write so much!

I do apologise for assuming she was on benefits (that's why I mentioned FSM as they're universal depending on the benefit). I think it's terrible that Wales don't do the same FSM for littles like elsewhere.

I'm not sure on what exact benefit you need to qualify for FSM but if Dad is on a qualifying benefit would he be able to claim it through the school for his son (as I said, no idea how it all works). Or have his benefits stopped now because he's gone in to further education.

To be honest, I'm not much help am I?

I'm not trying to be inflammatory, but if you can afford to get married, can he not pay more than £10 a week?

Good point, Need, about the child's main residence and who lives there for FSM. I asked based on him being the dad and circumstances but obviously if it goes by address then it's no use. TBH the more I think of it, it does make more sense to go by address rather than residence.

When DD's dad was long-term unemployed, he paid nothing and I asked for nothing. This used to piss my then partner off as he thought dd's dad should contribute something (from what?!?). When DD's dad got a minimum wage job, he paid nothing for several months, till I asked him to assess what he should pay - and pay it. He pays less than 10 a week, which seems low to me, but I have not forced the issue.

So, why did I not take/push for maintenance? Basically because I have a job and while things are tight, I know I am better off than he is. Also, when I did finally ask for something, we had the mother of all rows, so it is better just to keep my distance and manage.

Need is right, since he's not RP he wouldn't be able to get FSM but his benefits have been stopped since he's now in full time education.

Apotnoodle - totally understandable question. We're having a super cheap wedding - vicar & church have removed their fees as we are regular church goers and we're only have a really simple buffet afterwards which my parents are paying for. Actually, the only thing we've paid for (by which I mean I've paid for) is our rings which were around £150 for the two. Everything else has been / will be paid for by either my parents, DPs parents or are favours from friends, we've got such a fantastic support network and there's no way we'd be able to afford it otherwise.

Xpost.

Romey thats not fair you had a huge row about it :( it sounds like you've been super understanding and if he did have a job, it's only fair he support his child.

£40 a month? Damn right I'd refuse it. What a fucking insult. I work bloody hard to give my kids what they need and £40 a month is barely worth cashing the cheque for.

She's probably laughing her ass off that her ex thinks that £40 a month comes anything like close to providing for his kids.

I'd be offended if my ex offered that.

I've been getting £40 pm for years. There are good reasons that I don't wish to discuss here. People getting all po faced about these things is shockingly rude. So long as you are genuinely doing your best then no one can, reasonably, ask more.

As others have said, email her, keep her reply and save the money. Also keep a record of things like school uniform as it all counts as helping support your child. Not because you want brownie points but because it's possible she'll pull the line of "he's never paid a penny. .." which is annoying gossip but would be an actual lie if you ever ended up with court proceedings.

I would imagine she doesn't want to be seen as accepting his non-support of his child.

£10 per week is not ok. As a temporary measure while things are tight, maybe. But as a medium-long term arrangement? Nah.

Anyone who thinks £40 is barely worth casing the cheque for has clearly got more money than they need and never had to watch money carefully. How rude to say that about money someone had offered to pay our their student grant

Outer what do you exactly expect him to do. Long term unemployed and now college to get qualified to get a better job. Not being provocative but if he doesn't have more then £10 a week to offer, what can he do?

£40 a month? Damn right I'd refuse it. What a fucking insult

If that is all he can afford, what the hell is he supposed to do? If the money isn't there, it simply isn't there.

What a fucking insult

Bit like your comment then really

£40 a month? Damn right I'd refuse it. What a fucking insult. I work bloody hard to give my kids what they need and £40 a month is barely worth cashing the cheque for.

Thank you for reinforcing the observation I made up thread, outer

Those of you saying 'what an insult' that amount if money is-have you actually READ the thread?

This man supported his partner through her education and career, meaning his was put on the back burner. I'm sure that is directly affecting his employment prospects now.

OP-is it possible that the £40 would tip her over her tax credit threshold?

£40 not worth cashing in? Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!

OP,this thread caught my eye because I read the one about travel. I am wondering whether his ex is in a controlling relationship ?

She seems to have changed her previous willingness to travel. she went from going to CSA to refusing cash. I wonder if her new partner is behind some of this and not wanting her to have contact with, dependency on or any cooperation with your DP?

Sticking with his course and getting qualifications is efinity the best strategy especially if he stopped his studies to be a sahd. Do his generous parents contribute anything to their grandchild?

I've just read your other thread and realised that you started this one too.

Your dp is saying he can't afford to travel to see his ds. Yet he is offering £10 a week maintenance.

I think she is refusing it so that he has the money to travel, as she'd much rather their son sees his Dad than have a few extra quid each week. It is honestly heartbreaking to have to support a child whose Dad isn't bothering to see them.

Thank you so much to all of you who've said he should stick with college. The comments there were getting me down and made me question the decision to support DP in college, so thank you, I really appreciate it.

Blu (sorry I still haven't figured out how to properly tag people) I don't know. Her partner seems nice enough when DP sees him and has even helped with contact before when she was ill but who really knows what goes on behind closed doors. I do hope things are not / have not turned bad between them. DP's Mum is absolutely lovely and regularly buys toys / books for him and will always lend us money if we're really short. DP's dad tends to help more in terms of transport, though moans about it and doesn't tend to help financially - but then it's not really his duty is it, I mean he didn't choose to have another child. I know my parents aren't DSS's grandparents strictly speaking but they love him to pieces and constantly buy things for him.

Happy - I'm not sure. Maybe? Hadn't thought of that. She just insisted it's fine without giving a reason, even when he kept on insisting he wanted to contribute at least what he could.

Chief maybe that's her thinking. Nobody ever said that that was a condition of the maintenance though but maybe she just assumed, who knows. I agree that seeing him is more important than money. I would fund transport if it came down to it as when DSS is here, DP is brilliant with him and I would hate to see him miss out on seeing him because of money issues.

I'm not sure what you mean - nobody said it was a condition of the maintenance?