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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect her to do some of the travelling?

235 replies

Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 17:42

DP and his ex used to live about a 10-15minute walk away from each other so travel for contact of their 4 yr old was never an issue. About a yr ago his ex moved 10 or so miles away, which doesn't sound far but since both rely on public transport, is actually about a 40 minute bus journey - buses really suck here! She expected him to do all transport which was unfair (IMO) but he did it as it was the only way he was able to see his son. We've now moved another 20 miles (a 50 min train journey) in the opposite direction and when he spoke to her about it before moving, she agreed she'd meet in the place they used to live so they'd share travelling. Unfortunately, that's not happened and DP faces huge arguments if he tries sticking to the agreement of meeting halfway(ish) instead of taking him / picking him up directly from her flat. She says it was our choice to move (fair enough) but fails to see it was her choice to move in the first place!
Aibu to expect her to help with transport? If we were the only ones that moved I could understand it but at the end of the day she moved too so IMO should help! Yesterday she started shouting and swearing at DP as he said he'd drop him back in the middle tomorrow (like originally agreed) instead of flat! We would never ever expect her to come all the way here but she thinks it's DP's duty to go all the way to her.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/09/2014 17:44

Sorry I think yabu....In her situation I would expect exp to travel.

PumpkinBones · 20/09/2014 17:46

I don't think you are unreasonable to be annoyed by the inconvenience but if I was your DP I don't think I would choose this battle.

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 17:55

I don't see how their transport issues involve you? It sounds like she is being unreasonable but could the cost of transport be an issue for her?

Either way it's your DPs problem not yours.

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 17:55

Former can I ask why you would expect exP to get a train & a bus if it was you who moved too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 17:56

Mrs it's my problem as I'm the one having to pay for it, DP can't afford both a train and a bus without me paying.

OP posts:
Vinomcstephens · 20/09/2014 17:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your partner and his ex made an agreement about travel arrangements and she's the one who's gone back on it. You moved, she moved, and meeting halfway seems perfectly fair. I don't knowing this is a battle you'll win though, you can't exactly force her to keep to her word!

formerbabe · 20/09/2014 18:01

I'm only going by how I would feel in the ex'es situation. I think it would also depend on how the time is divided up between the parents. If I was doing the lion share of the parenting, then I would expect the non resident parent to make the effort to travel. If time was split 50/50 then I would think it reasonable to meet halfway.

Triooooooooooo · 20/09/2014 18:01

Since you've both moved his ex should meet half way IMO. Which was the courtesy your do had originally shown her.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 20/09/2014 18:18

YABveryU for 3 reasons

1 - It's none of your business and It's not your responsibility to pay his way or to ensure he has contact with his child
2 - Your DP shouldn't have moved so far away that he couldn't afford the fare to see his child.
3 - Of all the millions of men to partner up with, you've made a conscious decision to choose to be with someone whose earning power is so small, he can't even afford the fare to visit his child.

Can I ask how much the fare is?

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 18:21

Just well that's STILL not your problem. If he cannot afford it, that's HIS problem. You should not be paying.

macdoodle · 20/09/2014 18:24

He needs to travel, am guessing she is parenting the majority of the time 24/7, so poor diddums needs to make a plan for his EOW. YABU.

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 18:27

Is he paying maintenance? Working full time? He'll have to get a rail card or something to make it more affordable in the long term.

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 18:35

Mrs it's my problem too because we're a couple and don't see things as his problem or my problem. Excellent point about railcard, I don't know why we didn't think of that before, thank you!

IAm - I don't think who I choose to be with is any of anyone else's business. He moved away to develop his earning potential which is currently pretty poor since he have up his education to be a stay at home dad when his ex chose to remain in college after giving birth.

I can totally understand the point of her doing the majority of parenting and hadn't thought of it that way before.

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 18:39

As a couple, unless you have children between you it really isn't your problem. If he can't pay his way then it becomes an issue for YOU and if you are willing to live with a man who can't look after himself, his child or his responsibilities then you will be unhappy in a general sort of way for many years.

Has he got a job?

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 18:40

Being a Stay at Home Dad because your partner is in college is not something most men would choose to do. They would get a job and the child would go in the college creche....and on low incomes there would be ample help with costs of childcare.

It really sounds like he's not willing to earn. Does he have a job?

basgetti · 20/09/2014 18:43

I've read your other thread. He doesn't pay maintenance. Why should she be even more out of pocket to facilitate his contact?

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 18:46

Mrs yes he's part time earning as many hours as he can and looking for an additional job as well as in college so gets a grant too but unfortunately jobs around here for people with little qualifications are few and far between. I know the situation sucks financially but it won't always be like this and as soon as he's qualified he stands a much better chance of getting a good job. I don't know exactly what happened but I'm pretty sure they wanted at least one of them to stay at home with lil man instead of him being in childcare and somehow that ended up being him.

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 20/09/2014 18:48

the resident parent incurrs far more costs in general I think it's fair that your dp travels to get his ds. Particularly if his isn't paying much in the way of maintenance

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 18:49

Basgetti he doesn't pay maintenance because she refuses to accept it - what do you want him to do, hide it in little mans bag when he drops him off? Even when he was paying maintenance she still refused to do any of the travelling.

I think those who've said she's doing majority care and so feels like she shouldn't have to may be right - as in may be right in that's probably her thinking. Thinking back, after they split up and before lil man started school, they had 50:50 split care for a while and she was more willing to travel then.

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 18:49

Well he could have worked in the evenings. That's what I did when my babies were small. DH worked in the day and I worked in the evenings.

He needs to pay his way if he isn't even paying maintenance. It's bloody cheeky to expect other people to pick up his travel bills. You OR his ex. And if she's not getting anything from him then why the hell should she be meeting him half way!?

He needs to man up by the sound of it.

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 18:50

Just by the sound of it he'd be better keeping that money that she won't accept for travel OR he could use it to buy "lil man" some clothes or something.

basgetti · 20/09/2014 18:53

So why doesn't he use the ten pound a week she is refusing for his travel costs? I'd probably refuse it as well if I was expected to pay it straight out again to facilitate his contact. What would be the point?

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 18:56

Exactly.

hippo123 · 20/09/2014 18:56

Yabu. I can see it's annoying but that's life. It could be worse my dh had to travel for 5 hours on a train, each way, for 2 hours of contact.

Viviennemary · 20/09/2014 18:58

Yes she should have kept to her side of the bargain but she hasn't. Which really your DP should have suspected in the first place. If he doesn't pay maintenance because she won't accept it, he should use the money to pay for his travel expenses. And you have moved another 20 miles away which is a fair distance even by car never mind unreliable public transport.

You'll just have to make the best of what is a difficult situation for the time being and hope things improve soon.