dss in bits advice please

[wheresthelight]

so dss has been hyper all evening and had to be told several times to calm down. he has just started senior school and is massively over excited.

however after being told off and sent to bed early for his behaviour after umpteen warnings I went up to hear uncontrollable sobs from his bedroom. knocked and gone in and he was beside himself, I asked him if it was because he had been told off or was it something else and he said it was "other things in life" (he has a very odd turn of phrase about things)

turns out he is terrified that he is going to get bullied because he has had a few occasions of kids teasing him at primary school. unfortunately as much as I love him he is very much the weird kid, think often found walking round the playground alone talking to himself out loud. he is incredibly smart and has been working on year 7 maths since early on in year 6, however everything else about him is still very immature imo. he still skips round the playground singing random things to himself for example.

have given him hugs to console him and tried to talk to him about trying not to worry about things that haven't happened etc

his dad is out at a meeting tonight butties will tell him when he gets home, but am really worried about him. outwardly he is loving it and very joyous - he was full of beans when we picked him up but clearly inwardly the poor kid is terrified and I have no idea how we best support him.

any ideas?

Secondary can be very scary.. stories abound of the bigger kids flushing your head down the loo, the idea of going from being the biggest in primary to the smallest again..
Is it worth having a word with head of pastoral?

I not sure there is anything to tell them though. the stuff at primary school was really minor and to be honest if ot was any other kid ot would have just been shrugged off. it's daft things like kids asking why he talks to himself and then when he gets irate and cries they laughed at him pr all the kids rushing to genius the hall after assembly and someone knocked I to him and he fell and he was adamant it had been done deliberately.

he is exceptionally emotionally immature as a result of having been babied hugely by everyone because he is "sensitive"

They can keep an eye on him - won't hurt..
Do you think there might be something going on like ASD for example? Asking because dd was like that ad she has aspergers, I was a bit too and currently awaiting tests for the same

Some schools have a buddy system which may help with some of his worries x

He has been tested for asd and found not to have it or anything else. but during the testing process and since he has been labelled by his mum and his behaviour excused with the "he is autistic" tag line. he has been seen and assessed twice and both times ot has been found that whilst he displays certain tendencies as we all do he has nothing wrong with him (sorry not sure how else to out it).

his birth was quite traumatic for his mum, he was footling breech and added complications which resulted in an emergency cs and then he had a lot of issues with his feeding as a baby and she definitely suffers from extreme precious first born, dsd has had a far more liberal upbringing and been allowed to get involved more etc where as she has always kept him as her little boy iyswim. it is very like you see often with the last of the children when mum doesn't want them to grow up if that makes sense. so he has never learnt to socialise or how to deal with his emotions like you would teach a child normally.

I do like the idea of the buddy system and will get dp to speak to the school about it as I think he would really benefit from it although my only worry would be if it put him in the spotlight if no one else has one

Firstly, as others have said, secondary school is a big jump for all kids. For those who had a good peer group friends network of support or maybe, older siblings at the secondary, it can be easier. For a child who has been bullied or at the very least has been picked on or made to feel "different", it can be really scary. Don't underestimate the effect of "mild" bullying on a child....THAT prior experience will raise anxiety yet further.

My ds has ASD. He knew he was different. He went to a great primary school but for secondary, needed a mainstream with ASD unit attachment. Once there he was bullies by another kid who eventually, after 18 months, was forced to leave. Ds developed OCD which started off as anxiety and progressed to something VERY debilitating. He's 13 now and we've just seen a specialist who says that DS's "MILD" autism is not mild at all. He was misdiagnosed if you like, because he is bright and articulate and actually has "SEVERE AND SIGNIFICANT IMPAIRMENT".

My point? People may (or may not) have thought I had "precious first born" syndrome (not a nice phrase IMO). They can think what they like now....I was right and they, sadly, were wrong. It's taken years and an NHS referral to a top ASD research specialist (no names mentioned) to get my son the "tag" he needed. Hopefully, the help too.

My DSS has quite a lot of characteristics you might associate with ASD, though he's never been assessed (he would have been if he was my DC though) But I've nevertheless found lots of the advice available on helping ASD children who struggle with social skills to be quite useful. For instance, they don't tend to just pick up on how to behave, but can learn well if things are spelled out to them - eg "DSS, if you look at people when they're talking to you then they'll know you are listening, and it's important to let people know you are listening to them, or they may get cross" . So if your DSS is worried that he'll get picked on for being odd, it might be worth talking to him about what behaviour he thinks they'll find odd (skipping, talking to himself, etc) and discussing whether he might like to curtail this a bit at school. Coupled with lots of reassurance that you love him the way he is, etc, etc of course. But learning to moderate your behaviour so as to fit in is something people learn, and he will learn too, even if he's slower than most kids to pick it up.

I see what you're saying about he shouldn't worry about things that haven't happened - buy maybe what he's saying (clumsily) is that he's starting to become a bit more aware of how he's behaving compared to other kids and would like to change it a bit.

Poor kid :(

I think purple is right, if you give him the same coping techniques and teach him 'people skills' in the way that you would if he did have a diagnosis then it can only help him.

Assessing children isn't always straightforward, nor are the results always correct.

I can understand your frustration with the way he has been 'babied' and not been given the same treatment as DSD but I think it is quite hard to know which is the chicken and which is the egg.

All you can do really, in your situation, is give him the same kind of support you would if he had a diagnosis and try to help him to learn socially helpful things.

He has come on leaps and bounds over the last year to be honest and we have had discussions regarding looking at how other people behave and trying to mirror it, telling him it's not wrong to talk to himself but perhaps it's better to keep it as a silent voice in his head etc.

he has an older step sister who he lives with at the school and I think she has been winding him up too which hasn't helped matters.

talking to him this morning he was feeling a lot better having told someone (the jaffa cakes may have helped that I think) and that he is going to see how things go over the next few weeks. he says he is loving the school and the people are really nice and the 2 people who were particularly nasty to other kids, but left him alone, at primary school have gone to a different school so he is feeling a lot better.

he is worried that as he shares a room with his sister at dms then the kids will pick on him and he won't be able to get all his homework done etc. he has his own room here so we have said that if it causes an issue then he can either come here and do his homework and then go back to his mum's for tea and sleep or he can move in here with us but that it ie entirely his choice and he needs to be happy.

Sounds to me his step sister might be a good part of the problem. I wonder if she finds some of his behaviour a bit embarrassing and resents him being at "her" school, so it's being nasty to him?

Is your DP able to speak to his ex about DSS's worries? If it's his step sister fueling his anxieties she or her DP might be better placed to get to the bottom of it.

But starting secondary is a HUGE change for any child. My sociable, usually-confident DD has been struggling this week. It should get a bit easier in a week or two. Also, ime, boys that age don't always manage to organise their own social lives. He might appreciate it if you can help set him up a play date or two to help him consolidate new friendships

purple thanks hadn't thought of play date type help.

Dp has spoken to ex today and she is going to have a chat with him. we haven't said about step sis as concerned it looking like we were having a go if that makes sense

yeah there are plenty of clubs but he isn't really a joiner so may have to be cajoled! though saying that I did force him into cubs and scouts and he loved it

I'd send to rugby or martial arts group, as the trainers for both those activities have reputations or being good with children who are different.

of his mither doesn't go storming into school on Monday to insist he is removed from pe he will be starting rugby after half term so I am hoping that will help and if he enjoys it will encourage him to join the school club hopefully (Dm has decided he is too precious and vulnerable to play) nut hadn't thought about martial arts, will investigate thanks

Hang on - he is yr. 7 and shares a room at their dm's with his older sister? That's not right for either of them. She must hate that and may resent him, which won't help. Can anything be done about that?

He and you sound lovely btw and I would also recommend the school lunchtime clubs route if possible.

his sister is younger Gloom but it isn't ideal. Dm moved in with the om and he has residency of his 2 girls and understandably om didn't want to force his youngest to share with dsd when she has always had her own room so dsd (9 in 7 weeks) and dss (11) have to share and Dm and om are in the living room.

to be honest it is a complete farce. dsd has a full lugged set of bags under eyes every time she comes and is usually flaked out by 630 because they don't got to bed til gone 9 at home and then dss is up reading or playing on his laptop or ds so the poor love just doesn't get enough sleep and 9/10 times dss is out cold by 8 here! I dread how it will be as his homework ramps up!